What does your DP do if you cry during an argument?

[Doggotired]

Just wondering how other peoples partners react if you have an arguement and annoyingly start to cry?

@middleager & @Doggotired I don't really have any good advice, just wanted to say that sounds really sad. I couldn't imagine not comforting someone if they were crying and I think I'd be really hurt if my DH wasn't totally ambivalent towards me when I was at my most vulnerable

Was totally*

I have always cried very easily, it’s not manipulative at all as all you are trying to do is stop yourself, but it’s an involuntary response. My partner gets angrier if I cry. I probably cry less now though, I think it’s probably due to caring less. So I would suggest to men to be careful what they wish for in that regard!

I’m quite a cryer ( we are under huge pressure for few years with various things) it always softens him. He normally leaves and comes back for a cuddle and hug. I don’t do it deliberately as it’s normally when we’ve argued for ages and I cry out of frustration and worn out!

@crosstalk, I rarely cry now but did when I was in an abusive relationship. Some partners will be so horrible that they will not stop until they make their partners (usually women) cry then laugh once they see how upset their partner is. This I imagine is a more common scenario than crying to be manipulative.

It's what bullies do in the playground and some people never grow out of it.

Crying is a release, a visible expression of upset. If it's during an argument then it should signal that emotions are too high and time out needed. Conflict resolution skills are critical to a relationship, so is the ability to self soothe and soothe a partner.

I would comfort someone who was crying and wouldn't assume it's manipulative, why would you? I think someone who can easily ignore crying either lacks empathy or is disengaged from the relationship.

This assumes you are in a non toxic relationships. If however the relationship isn't healthy then there are probably clearer signs than crying to worry about.

Depends a bit on how easily you cry, surely? I cry quite easily, so wouldn't necessarily expect someone to be soothing me when they might be feeling exactly as upset / angry as I am, just not physically crying? Maybe time to take a break or breather, but not the end of an argument.

It's not manipulative to cry when you're upset, and of course it's horrible for someone to be angry with you or laugh like some of the abusive partners above, but I think it is very unreasonable to expect that a disagreement should just go away because a person is crying, any more than if a person is shouting.

“Oh bear we go, turn on the tears”

There is something very different with how his brain works

Why do women cry more than men during arguments? I wouldn't expect my husband to stop the argument and change his point of view if I suddenly cried. I say equally bad things to him during rows and he doesn't cry.
In short, his reaction really depends on why you're crying. Not just the crying itself.

We've never had a big blazing argument, only ever grumpy words or storming out of a room. But I cried recently when we'd had a sort of argument over a disagreement on tiles and DH had left to go back to the room he was doing some work in. He heard me crying and came out to hug me and we quietly resolved the issue.

We don't ever get nasty when we argue though so any heated discussions are quickly resolved when I inevitably cry or we start laughing at our own ridiculousness.

I cry generally because I’m angry and frustrated rather than because I’m upset.

If I cry for upset reasons he’ll give me a hug. If it’s down to frustration in the middle of a discussion he’ll generally just give me time to compose myself. Which is what I want him to do.

Why do women cry more than men during arguments?

I imagine a mixture of hormones and socialisation.

My ex husband would get really annoyed and be like "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS CRYING" and made out I was ridiculous.

My partner now would be devastated if he made me cry (never has, thought he did once and felt horrific about it!) And he would cuddle me and we'd talk it through and he'd try and get to the bottom of it and made me feel better.

I don't know if I necessarily blame my ex for the way he was, more his parents for doing the same to him and making him think it was normal. He does the same thing to our young children now as he did to me and it upsets me and makes them struggle to show proper emotions around him and usually ends in anger. I'm constantly trying to talk with him about not doing it to them

DH would be astonished because I very rarely cry. He’d hug me and I’d tell him to get off and stop being nice to me.

If anyone cries during an argument with me I get very annoyed and feel they’re trying to manipulate me. This is due to issues from my childhood. I should add though that if DH or anyone else cries in any non-argument setting I am very comforting and warm. It’s just during arguments I can’t stand.

I rarely cry unless I am worn down and totally frustrated by our argument/situation . But if i do my husband is cold about it, literally doesn't give a damn. even if my heart is breaking he just gives me a withering look or looks right through me. I think I fall out of love more every time he does it tbh.

Following with interest. I am seeing someone at the moment, only a few months in. We were having dinner together and I started crying as we were talking about the last time we saw each other which was a really difficult evening. He just carried on eating.... and he's a therapist. I found this very odd and concerning

@afaloren

DH would be astonished because I very rarely cry. He’d hug me and I’d tell him to get off and stop being nice to me.

If anyone cries during an argument with me I get very annoyed and feel they’re trying to manipulate me. This is due to issues from my childhood. I should add though that if DH or anyone else cries in any non-argument setting I am very comforting and warm. It’s just during arguments I can’t stand.

My husband is the same and it seems he had a dysfunctional upbringing. Could you please elaborate on what happened in your childhood that led to this please?

My ex partner just used to say stop crying or stormed out and drove off. Wanker.

I can’t imagine not comforting someone who was crying??

It depends. My OH and I discuss things. We don't really argue. Neither of us has made the other cry and I would think if that happened we would be mortified and apologetic. However, I have encountered women in my work and personal life who cry to manipulate a situation. I recognise that some people may genuinely be upset and be crying as a release. However, others do it because they want you to back off from something they don't like and don't have the courage to face. It really pisses me off because it feels deeply manipulative.

IME there are just some people who will start crying if a discussion isn't going their way because they think you will then just back off. It's usually women, because even in 2021 there's still an idea that 'boys don't cry'. In that case, no, I don't offer sympathy. Now it may be that any man who doesn't comfort a crying person is deeply maladjusted, or they may just be annoyed and feel as if they're being played.

OP, my ex used to ignore me if I cried because he was a cold fish. And that is why he is an ex.

We don't actually argue.

Urgh I hate the trope that women crying are manipulative or playing men. It's such nonsense- as evidenced by this thread. Lots of women saying I cry because I'm overwhelmed, cry easily, cry in anger/ frustration, I dont mean to cry, wish I didn't cry, find it humiliating, etc etc and yet still it can't be any of those things. It's because she wants to win an argument . My ex husband would 100% say the same of me- and did often (as other women have already reported "oh time to turn on the tears" " don't start your waterworks")

Actually I cry easily, in both sadness and frustration, and in relation to ex h- by the end, and I'm sure if I had to engage with the idiot now, every argument was pointless, circling the same issues with no real solutions so yes, in utter exasperation, exhaustion, frustration and misery I inevitably cried earlier and earlier in the fight. He'd say I was crying because I knew I couldn't "win" and wanted to manipulate him.

Current husband, I don't cry as much and when I do he comforts me physically, by hugging me, and we can continue the discussion.

@merrynelly Without going into too much detail, tears were used as a weapon in my family and frequently employed to ensure I came off as the bad guy. As a result I have a strong reaction to it now. I do try to recognise that not everyone uses tears that way and that most people would rather not cry at all!

This is all rather academic as I’m pleased to say in my adult life I very rarely argue with anyone and certainly not to the point that anybody would be crying

Usually tries to hug me or makes me a cup of tea. If it's a really bad argument he waits a few minutes and then comes cuddle me and apologises.

During our early days, my DH never used to react to me crying, it turned out his mum used to cry a lot in front of him trying to get him to do things he didn't want to do in despair or to get a reaction, I think he found it manipulative. Anyway it never worked and he became immune to her crying that carried over to me.

We've been together nearly 20 years now, things are much better and very different. MiL still cry's...

Urgh I hate the trope that women crying are manipulative or playing men. It's such nonsense- as evidenced by this thread. Lots of women saying I cry because I'm overwhelmed, cry easily, cry in anger/ frustration, I dont mean to cry, wish I didn't cry, find it humiliating, etc etc and yet still it can't be any of those things. It's because she wants to win an argument hmm.

Has anyone said it can't be any of those things? Or have they just pointed out that whilst it often is, it is at times manipulative? And if you've been on the receiving end of the manipulation, you do have to take a deep breath and work out what's going on in this particular instance.

I've been on the receiving end of someone at work who had worked out that if she did the whole 'poor little Jane, so upset I'm crying' people would believe her side of the story and not anyone else's. And yet she was quite capable of being surprisingly vicious when the bosses weren't looking and she thought that tactic would work instead. Not something I've encountered in my personal life, but a few times at work. And I'm female.