What does your DP do if you cry during an argument?

[Doggotired]

Just wondering how other peoples partners react if you have an arguement and annoyingly start to cry?

Like many pp’s my last two exes would be even more horrible. I found it staggering - it disgusted me if I was honest.

This one gave me a hug, the one time (so far) I cried when we were having something approximating an argument. (We probably do argue sometimes, but I find it hard to think of them as arguments because they are way calmer and more polite than the ones I had with previous partners, even tho we may be dealing with difficult topics....)

I cry when I get frustrated and I can shut down for a while when it happens. Usually DH gives me a bit of breathing space and doesn’t continue arguing and the pause is usually enough for us both to have calmed down or in my case the crying has helped with the emotional release so we can now start discussing rather than arguing.

Crying isn’t something I see as a bad thing. It is an emotional release not an emotional manipulation for me.

Obviously I try not to cry in work but it has happened once or twice as I worked in an incredibly stressful and notoriously fraught field for a long time.

I instruct him to ignore the tears and concentrate on the words I am saying. I always inform him that crying is my unfortunate stress reaction and I would change it if I could and that I am not manipulating him in anyway and I want him to ignore it and be honest. I say this every time eventhough he knows it by now.

So basically he just sits there and tries to ignore it.

Most people don't cry to manipulate others. Crying is an honest , human response to stress and/ or sadness. It is not a weakness. OP, he sounds avoidant, and you need attached.

Tells me to relax and calm down... and if that doesn’t work he asks if he can help me relax and calm down. Usually I don’t want it , hence why he tells me to relax or calm down.

Most people don't cry to manipulate others.

Completely agree with this. Lily

Ignored.

Men are a waste of space and effort

Hasn't happened for ages but if it did he feels bad. But it doesn't usually mean I'm really hurt, it means I'm feeling frustrated and I can't get my point across, or I'm feeling really emotional or conflicted about whatever the topic is. So I normally say to ignore the fact I'm crying because I'm just trying to say something, and he will.

I've never cried in response to my husband saying anything hurtful, that simply hasn't happened. It happened a lot with my ex though.

@Lily73423

Most people don't cry to manipulate others. Crying is an honest , human response to stress and/ or sadness. It is not a weakness. OP, he sounds avoidant, and you need attached.

Agree, but without a shadow of a doubt, some people do.

Totally depends on context. I cry very rarely, DH even more rarely.

If I cry because I am upset (not because of an argument), then DH would comfort me immediately. It doesn't happen often, but when it does he is great.

If I ended up crying during an argument...well, again that would depend. If it was in response to something he said that was hurtful in a way he didn't mean (it would be definitely be accidental) then he would apologise immediately. As would I, if the situation was reversed.

If it was because I was frustrated or angry or whatever, then he wouldn't necessarily react. But why should he? We are equals, and if we argue (which isn't often) we argue as equals. I don't see why he should capitulate to my point of view just because I happen to cry. His feelings are just as valid as mine, even if he expresses them differently. Crying is just another form of expression that shouldn't automatically trump someone else's.

I absolutely hate that I cry. There’s nothing manipulative in it- it’s horribly humiliating. I don’t think dh does anything differently if I cry. We just keep talking the issue out until we’re back on hugging terms again.

Writing it out like that makes him sound cold, but he’s anything but. He always wants to talk things out if there’s any kind of problem between us. He hates me to be upset (and I feel the exact same way about him).

I am rather shocked that anyone’s DH would be such a shit as to make their wife cry, no matter what the argument was about.

But you are probably judging people as being 'peope like me' as many of us do, until we find out there are some quite manipulative and disturbed people out there.
Some people cry at the drop of a hat.

As other posters have said, probably most don't do it to be manipulative on purpose - though that still leaves an acknowledgement that some do.
However, there are some that have grown up finding that crying gets them their own way, so it isn't deliberate now, but still happens without the other person in the disagreement having to be aggressive or cruel.
I think as is often the case in these discussions, unless we've had to live or work closely with someone who does this, then it doesn't cross our minds that people do cry 'to win that argument'.

Of course, there are also probably people who are so horrible they would be happy to make someone cry. At which point you have to question if that is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Your focus should be on the hurtful things he said. Would him comforting you negated the hurtful words.

My DP has never made me cry and would, I imagine, be horrified if he did.

@crosstalk

DH may not make their wife cry. Some people (mostly women) use it as a tool or are just more sensitive or can't argue rationally.

I have never cried at home or at work.

Agree with this. Some of the posters here seem to cry a lot.

@HappierTimesAhead

My partner seems to think I do it on purpose to be manipulative so it seems to annoy him more than anything. I don't, I just cry very easily when I feel overwhelmed. I think it's to do with his emotional needs not being met as a child and not really understanding that crying is totally normal.

Same

I tend to cry if I get frustrated or if something hits a nerve. For example if I'm already feeling bad about something and then DH brings it up as a point he's unhappy about it tends to be a bit painful and then I'd normally cry while explaining why I find whatever it is so difficult.

But it's not him making me cry as such.

I don't cry a huge amount TBH but those two things set me off.

My stress reaction is to cry. Especially when it is something personal which discussions/arguments with partners or friends or family tend to be. He doesn't specifically go out of his way to make me cry, but it is how I react. If you have tips on how to stop other than "don't take it personally" I'm all ears. Maybe they can do tear duct removal surgery or something. I wish I didn't do it and I am jealous of people who dont have that reaction.

My exW used to cry if she couldn’t win an argument / get her own way.
Towards the end of my marriage I realised she just used it as a tactic to get her own way.

I very rarely cry and we very rarely argue properly but sometimes he just winds me up so much that I angry cry, also I currently have PND so very hormonal... he realises he’s gone too far and hates to see me cry as he knows it’s usually his fault, so gives me a cuddle and asks if he’s a knob which then makes me laugh and that diffuses the situation and we can talk.

Op, how long have you been with this man? You said partner but it can’t have been that long. I think you probably moved way too fast. You dont live together, do you? Call it a day now.

I very rarely cry. If we had an argument that led to me crying I think DH would be absolutely mortified & would be very quick to comfort me.

On the 2 maybe 3 occasions he's seen me cry he's been very quick to comfort me regardless of what we've been talking about/how he's feeling.

Sorry OP I just read your update and my reply is completely unhelpful now.

That's really sad that he doesn't even acknowledge that you are upset, even more so after saying hurtful things.

I'd be considering if I wanted the relationship to continue to be honest.

It makes no difference and prompts no response. In fact, I feel he finds it pathetic and over the years I have become a little hardened and rarely cry in front of him.
He has always been this way and I'm always really surprised when I hear/see somebody else's partner being gentle and comforting.

I guess I got used to the ambivalence.

We have been together 4 years, we don’t live together. I very rarely cry so i haven’t experienced him like that before. He’s a wonderful partner in every other way but it just seemed cold to ignore someone who is upset and made me think. I wanted to see how other men responded to it.