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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Saying "no" to my divorced parents who each rely on me

57 replies

Maria53 · 28/03/2021 22:18

I'm in my late 20s and my parents are divorced. They now each seem to expect me to go on holiday with them seeing as they no longer have each other.

In the last week, each parent has asked me to go on holiday with them this summer. I'm an only child and I dont want to.

Tonight I finally told my mother I am struggling to cope with the pressure each of them is placing on me. She said, clearly upset, 'well you dont need to come away with me then'.

The fact is I am in my late 20s. I like to travel solo, with friends or with a partner. I don't want to spend my precious hols with them. Every year since divorcing they start asking me to go away with them. Last year I went away with one parent for a week and lied to the other, as I knew how it would be received.

There are times I feel so depressed about this. It is the lowest I have felt for a long time. Has anyone else been through this or can offer advice?

The guilt I feel knowing they dont really have anyone to go with is awful too

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 28/03/2021 22:22

& as if this wasnt bad enough the last time they were both at my home, they screamed at each other which I had never really witnessed before.

I was mortified about neighbours hearing and also just feel it is so selfish.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 28/03/2021 22:23

What about a compromise of a weekend away with each, but not in the same year? They are being very unfair to you, but can understand that they maybe find it daunting to go away on their own. Do they have friends you could suggest they organise hols with? Or look into group holidays with them.
You should definitely not go away with if you don’t want to, you’re not a child anymore!

Hadalifeonce · 28/03/2021 22:25

Can you suggest they go on organised group holidays? They are a good way to meet other people.

Original poster
Maria53 · 28/03/2021 22:28

@Hadalifeonce I suggested this to my dad but he thinks it sounds awful. He is quite introverted so I can see why but I just dont feel it is my problem.

I actually dont mind going away with my mother occasionally but my father is hard work. And I know going away with one leaves the other out in the cold.

Regardless I'm not willing to be guilt tripped every year when I want to live my life.

I've actually had suicidal thoughts about this in the last year. I am ok but thinking my life now is to be beholden to them and their arguments is overwhelming sometimes.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 28/03/2021 22:30

Just say no to both of them. No compromises of weekends, nothing. Rip the plaster off. Covid is giving you the best opportunity to say no and mean it.

You are in your 20s, would you be going on holiday with them even if they were together? Highly unlikely.

Both of them need to learn new holiday habits.

Then in, say, 5 years time, you might go on a weekend break with one of them. As long as they were long enough divorced not to turn it into a competition. If they start that again it's back to no holidays.

DPotter · 28/03/2021 22:34

They are emotionally blackmailing you and this is totally wrong. Your feeling are valid and appropriate.

Anna has it spot on

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 28/03/2021 22:35

I think the odd weekend might be OK but like most people you will have very little annual leave. It's good you've told your DM now maybe tell DF. Both of them need to build relationships of their own and no longer rely on you. Don't feel guilty, just make sure both of them know you love them

BRB2021 · 28/03/2021 22:38

They are both being utterly selfish. You are not there to make up for the fact they are alone. Tough. That is their decision, not yours.

I am a divorcee who has no partner (v happily!) but i wouldnt DREAM of making my dc feel bad and expecting any of them to come of holiday with me.

So your mother may sulk. Let her. But dont back down or you will be their companion for ever!

Original poster
Maria53 · 28/03/2021 22:41

They have been divorced a few years now. Last year my dad started up asking me to go with him, went on about it every time we met until stopped taking his calls. Finally he gave up but he has started it all over again this year.

Last year I did go away with my mum as we bubbled together and had a nice time. I played to take her away for her 60th next year. But I am not willing to go away with them every single year.

I feel like I am fighting a constant uphill battle, having to repeat myself and say no every year. Saying 'no' once should be enough.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe exactly I'm fine with the odd weekend as a compromise but not willing to use up large chunks of my annual leave on these trips

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 29/03/2021 01:11

Honestly OP you'd be doing them no favours in the long run if you did go away with both. At your age your life is only going to get fuller and busier and the more they rely on your company the less likely they are to build new social circles, what happens then when your life naturally moves on and you don't have unlimited time for them anymore? The kindest thing you can do is set firm boundaries and encourage them to find social outlets of their own, you can't fill that void for them.

OldWomanSaysThis · 29/03/2021 01:24

You poor thing. They are emotionally manipulating you. Are they competing with each other, too?

Just keep saying No. No No. Noooooooooooo.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2021 01:48

I'm a parent to children in their 20's, and your parents are being astoundingly selfish and unreasonable. Make firm boundaries, op, and say NO as often as you need to. Children, no matter what their age, are not responsible for their parent's happiness.

PurpleTrilby · 29/03/2021 04:39

I had this shit and I really feel for you. Keep saying no, they have fuck all say on how you spend your time. They were responsible for seeing you into adulthood and that's it. If they can't sort their own social life out that's their problem. Don't look back like me thinking shit, I really should have done my own thing. Instead of looking after them. Because it's never enough, they come to expect it.

merrygoround88 · 29/03/2021 05:18

This is a slippery slope so do be careful. From my mid 20s I brought my mum on (and paid for) breaks to various European cities and short sun breaks and was happy to do so as she is not well travelled. Fast forward and I have a job that generally requires 2-3 nights away per month and children and I no longer want to spend much longer away from home and money is tighter, better jobs but mortgage, kids etc .
In the last 12 years with DC I’ve brought mum on 4 breaks with the children to France and Spain and 3 with just me to NY and Portugal. Add about 3 staycation short breaks and it is still not enough. Unless I brought mum on every family holiday she wouldn’t be happy.

It’s very easy for your single parents to look to you for holidays but the expectation can get un manageable.

custardbear · 29/03/2021 05:47

Just say no. Thanks dad but I've already made all my holiday plans - why don't you go alone or with a friend?

Mum, yes were going away next year so this year I'm using my annual leave from work to go with friends

Compromise with weekends perhaps? Maybe even meet them in say Spain foe a weekend they're on holiday for longer so you're just there a few days

In the grand scheme of things though you come first - don't forget that - also don't feel obliged or bullied, say no if you don't want to go

jessstan2 · 29/03/2021 06:58

@Maria53

& as if this wasnt bad enough the last time they were both at my home, they screamed at each other which I had never really witnessed before.

I was mortified about neighbours hearing and also just feel it is so selfish.

That is appalling. I sincerely hope you told them both off. They could at least exercise some self control under your roof, it isn't your fault they split up. Make them realise that is just not on.

Regarding holidays, your parents have no right to expect you to holiday with them. Maybe a short break, somewhere interesting if you fancy it, would be a satisfactory compromise but you have your own independent life to live - and they need to do the same.

glassshoes · 29/03/2021 07:35

It sounds like they put you under pressure to have prioritised their holidays above your own mental health.

I think boundaries is key. With your dad, I wouldn't compromised. Give him an inch and he will take a mile.

I wasn't in the same situation but a not too dissimilar one and found this helpful (excuse the language, and hear it out!)

Be kind to yourself xx

GoWalkabout · 29/03/2021 07:41

Go with your mum whenever it suits you. Tell your Dad you don't want to. Duty is over rated.

Original poster
Maria53 · 29/03/2021 09:48

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the responses as I've been struggling alone with this.

I feel a huge sense of guilt - "but they wont get a proper holiday unless I go with them" and then I think "is this how it is to be for the rest of my life?" and I can't really cope with it tbh.

I also think it is selfish. My mum asked me to go a big trip with her next year - I agreed, it's a big birthday so ok. It would have been my dad going if they were still together.

I'm still a fairly young woman and what I cant understand is how they think these requests are reasonable? They also never asked me to go away with them with them when I was in a relationship - but I seem to be fair game when I'm single.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maria53 · 29/03/2021 09:50

@jessstan2 I told them I wont be seeing them both at one time until they can meet civilly. They were getting on fine in my presence but not anymore.

I'm in a new place and don't want to make a bad impression on the neighbours either. I found it really embarrassing.

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 29/03/2021 12:13

You are not out in this earth to be a partner to your parents. Just say no. They might be lonely or bored but that's really not your problem.

Original poster
Maria53 · 04/04/2021 20:30

Thanks everyone.

My mum brought it up again today, saying 'oh wouldn't it be nice to go here' as though as I didn't say I didn't want to do that just recently!

I actually like spending time with my parents in small doses, so the fact they keep bringing up a holiday every time I see them is making me not want to see them at all. Sick of it.

OP posts:
PennyArcade · 04/04/2021 20:40

Just tell them you have made your own plans for hols.

I wouldn’t dream of asking my adult children to accompany me on hols. They have their own lives/friends/family/plans. And I’m so glad they do. I love to see them all when it’s convenient for them, but no way would I expect them to drop everything for me to have a social life. Just learn to say “No”. Everyone has to at some point in their lives.

Original poster
Maria53 · 04/04/2021 20:46

@PennyArcade and I can't believe they can't simply appreciate I have my own life. I understand they are lonely and want someone to share holidays with but it can't always be me. And they never used to be like this. They used to respect my independence more.

The fact is I haven't made my plans yet because of the pandemic. I have a rough idea but I'm saving the hols for when I can go on the trip with my friends. I have already told them this and they keep pushing.

I'm a calm person but I'm getting close to losing temper over this. I am usually good with boundaries but find it harder with my parents.

OP posts:
PennyArcade · 04/04/2021 21:44

Maria53 If you can’t say “no” just be vague.... “OMG I’m not sure what I’ll be doing for summer yet, what with Covid restrictions etc.... I have friends wanting to make plans.... I don’t think anyone can make definite plans at the moment..... When I have a plan for what I’m going to do this summer I’ll let you know.... “ xx

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