Saying "no" to my divorced parents who each rely on me

[Maria53]

I'm in my late 20s and my parents are divorced. They now each seem to expect me to go on holiday with them seeing as they no longer have each other.

In the last week, each parent has asked me to go on holiday with them this summer. I'm an only child and I dont want to.

Tonight I finally told my mother I am struggling to cope with the pressure each of them is placing on me. She said, clearly upset, 'well you dont need to come away with me then'.

The fact is I am in my late 20s. I like to travel solo, with friends or with a partner. I don't want to spend my precious hols with them. Every year since divorcing they start asking me to go away with them. Last year I went away with one parent for a week and lied to the other, as I knew how it would be received.

There are times I feel so depressed about this. It is the lowest I have felt for a long time. Has anyone else been through this or can offer advice?

The guilt I feel knowing they dont really have anyone to go with is awful too

Thanks @BadMouses. I will occasionally go on long weekends with them but their demand of going away with each of them for a week is ridiculous. I reminded my mum of the fact that my job only gives me the minimum holiday requirements. I suggested a long weekend and she fought against it, asking why not a week.

I sometimes feel very depressed as I dread this being what the rest of my life is like. I am still young and I am very independent, always have been. If they are like this now in their late 50s, what will they be like in 20 years? I am even in the frame of mind that I'd consider leaving this city if it continues.

Both of my parents think it is 'sad' to go away by themselves. I don't - I have always loved solo trips & also enjoy trips with others.

My mother used to have friends while I was growing up. But one by one they all disappeared, until only one friend was left. I have encouraged her to go away with her this year, as they sometimes do, but she didn't seem keen and I don't know why.

Some people here have said I seem like a nice person. I am a nice person but some people mistake that for 'pushover'. I'm not a pushover. I have an idea of the life I want to lead and it doesn't involve bending to the every whim of my parents. Being an only child to divorcees is a nightmare for this reason. I know they love me and I love them. But I don't want to live in their pockets and vice versa. Why can't they respect this?

@lightand I feel like sending letters is a semi-nuclear option. Maybe that is just my interpretation?

If one of them brings it up again next time I see them, I will tell them I think we should take a breather from spending time together until this changes. They will be shocked and might think I'm being ridiculous but it is affecting my mental health.

If this persists over the coming months I will write a letter to both of them as you suggest. Parents should be there for you, I hate feeling like I have to avoid them.

I did write a letter to my mother once, trying to explain.. she was so cross she barely spoke to me for about three months. (This was a mixed blessing.) Then she did because she had spent that time compiling a dossier about why I was wrong, featuring letters and emails from her friends. Lordy!

Role model a good life by enjoying time on your own, your own company, and show them that a single holiday or travel can be good too. Eventually they will come to terms with things. Or if not, compile a dossier about why you are wrong... Good luck!

Find /fake a hobby that keeps you VERY busy op.. Wean them off you if you feel they and you would cope better with a 'genuine' reason to back off. Yanbu to not allow them to use you as their social management..suggest clubs /online stuff they can do. Offer to set up their tech if necessary.

Even my 31 yo dd loves online bingo!!

My divorced parents tried to push me in similar ways. Now I'm in my 40s I'm quick to block it and avoid unfair expectations and demands.

I'm divorced, work long hours & 2DC so now have clear reasons to be busy for unfair requests.

It's possible for your parents to make new friends, meet a new partner, go on coach trips in a group, or as you do solo options.

Always remember you are not responsible to be their entertainment. What would happen if you decided to live in another location/country?

It sounds like you've learnt a lot from your parents, about boundaries and I think this will help you a lot in future if you have your own children.

They are both probably feeling lonely, vulnerable and sensitive right now so they will be more defensive or prone to being hurt than usual. However, what they need to realise is that you are not, and never will be a substitute husband or wife. It doesn't matter how much they think they gave you growing up - that is not a slot you should fill. Deep down, they know this, despite any outward sulks or protestations they may give you or a desire to punish you for not doing what they want. However, they may not want to admit that and you might cause a lot of embarrassment or offence if you point this out to them. To them, they are probably following the narrative that it's only natural that they want to spend time with their own child, whilst ignoring the deeper reasons that are behind their needs.

In your shoes I would stick to a long weekend. Most people don't get much annual leave if the work full time. Maybe 25 days? That's precious 14 days free time that you, as an only child, could be spending on your own network or putting more roots down. Offer them both the same thing and don't tell that parent which dates the other parent wants. If they both happen to want the same date, either say you're not free or something's come up, or toss a coin.

I think you need to be blunt with them, otherwise they probably think they are wearing you down over time and you will finally agree.

Yes they will be annoyed at the time but they will get over it, sometimes a bit of an argument can be good to get your thoughts out in the open and they should stop asking you