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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Saying "no" to my divorced parents who each rely on me

57 replies

Maria53 · 28/03/2021 22:18

I'm in my late 20s and my parents are divorced. They now each seem to expect me to go on holiday with them seeing as they no longer have each other.

In the last week, each parent has asked me to go on holiday with them this summer. I'm an only child and I dont want to.

Tonight I finally told my mother I am struggling to cope with the pressure each of them is placing on me. She said, clearly upset, 'well you dont need to come away with me then'.

The fact is I am in my late 20s. I like to travel solo, with friends or with a partner. I don't want to spend my precious hols with them. Every year since divorcing they start asking me to go away with them. Last year I went away with one parent for a week and lied to the other, as I knew how it would be received.

There are times I feel so depressed about this. It is the lowest I have felt for a long time. Has anyone else been through this or can offer advice?

The guilt I feel knowing they dont really have anyone to go with is awful too

OP posts:

JeeWhizz · 05/04/2021 09:07

This sounds a very difficult situation and you sound lovely. But you are being 'too nice' and from experience I know this gets you nowhere as people expect more and more of you.
Actually book a holiday of some sort or even a couple of breaks using most of your annual leave for the whole year, then present it to each of them as a fait accompli, but adding that you can use your remaining days to book a Friday or a Monday to have a long weekend away.
Once you have done this (preferably with nonrefundable deposits) for a singles holiday or with a friend or work colleague then there will be no room for negotiation from either of them. The peace of mind for you will be tremendous. Just keep repeating the mantra 'well I've done it now'.
Surely they have a friend/relative or work colleague to go away with?
Imagine if you were in a new relationship, wanting to go away with your partner and you were being pressured by them what would you be expected to do, bring them along? Good luck! X

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 05/04/2021 09:45

I’m divorced with three DDs in their late 20s. They still pressure me to go on holiday with them all twice a year, to the two places we’ve always loved as a family. It really surprises me that they want this but I go along with it, it’s fun. Their partners come too. I never expected this and when it stops (as it will) I’ll go away with my friends or in an organised group.

Basically, I’m their mum, I do what they need. I don’t need or expect anything from them: that’s the deal when you have children.

Write a kind letter to each of them, setting out how you feel about the pressure they put you under and that - aside from the trip already booked, and maybe a similar ‘big birthday’ one for your DF - there will be no more holidays, just visits to each other’s homes.

They need to grow up and stand on their own two feet.

Ragwort · 05/04/2021 09:56

They are emotionally blackmailing you, sounds awful. I am over 60 and frequently holiday with girl friends (I do have a DH but we have different views of holidays ) or on my own ... wouldn't dream of asking my adult DS to come with me, much as I love him I wouldn't actually want to spend a holiday with a twenty year old.

I think it's very sad that neither of your parents seem to have their own friends - they are only late 50s/60 - they have years of holidays ahead .

Be firm.

rawlikesushi · 05/04/2021 10:26

If they don't ask when you're in a relationship then maybe they think it's something you'd welcome.

If they ask a question and you say yes, or avoid answering, how are they to know otherwise?

It's not selfish or manipulative to ask the question imo.

But once you've said no, that should be the end of it.

Fireflygal · 05/04/2021 10:50

Has this only started once you became single? If so you might need to explain that you have holiday plans such as solo or with friends. They shouldn't guilt you into a holiday. Your parents are young so no excuse for them to go on organised trips or with friends. It might help them to heal if they started building their own lives.

lazylump72 · 05/04/2021 15:42

OP it is not down to you to make either of them happy,They are grown ups even though they are barely acting like one would.They have lived and experienced life that you wont have yet its time they got a grip on themselves and had some dignity. They equally are behaving like children with demands,Do we reward children when they whine and winge? No we dont,They need to both make friends,find hobbies and depend far less on you and I would be telling them so at every turn,Be busy be unavailable and only be available at your choosing, Step away a bit you dont need their one upmanship or games, Just tell them to stop organizing you and your life you dont need their help if you did you would ask for it,

Original poster

Maria53 · 06/04/2021 00:27

Thanks all. My mum has brought it up AGAIN tonight. I said it is now getting to the point I can't spend time with her without the pressure. I said I have already agreed to a trip with her for her 60th next year. 'It seems like you're now expecting me to come away with you every year and I'm sorry, but that isnt going to happen.'

She got a bit upset. She occasionally goes away with a friend but is grumbling about being the single one of the group now. My dad has a lot of friends he spends days out with but when it comes to hols they are usually with their family.

I'm not going to book anything yet until I know the lie of the land with restrictions and shouldnt be under pressure just to get them off my back. I want to visit a few friends abroad and am saving my hols mainly for that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 06/04/2021 00:29

@rawlikesushi that is the thing - I've said no to my dad repeatedly and 2 weeks ago I told my mum I feel under a lot of pressure. But she has brought it up twice since.

Today I had a really nice walk with her, really enjoyed the afternoon, but she just had to bring it up again. I am not finding it easy to deal with.

OP posts:

WisnaeMe · 06/04/2021 02:04

Stop engaging, when she brings it up, you leave 🌸

Thelastlightbulb · 06/04/2021 02:10

Try the stately homes thread on the relationships board. You are not their patent and its not your job to parent them.

Saltyslug · 06/04/2021 02:14

Agree to a yearly long weekend away with each parent?

WisnaeMe · 06/04/2021 02:49

@Saltyslug

Agree to a yearly long weekend away with each parent?

Why ??

EasterBunn · 06/04/2021 07:10

This is awful. I'd send them the thread and be done with it. Wait for them to call you. You need to seriously detach - time to really put your boundaries in place and reduce calls, at least for now.

EasterBunn · 06/04/2021 07:10

[quote Maria53]@rawlikesushi that is the thing - I've said no to my dad repeatedly and 2 weeks ago I told my mum I feel under a lot of pressure. But she has brought it up twice since.

Today I had a really nice walk with her, really enjoyed the afternoon, but she just had to bring it up again. I am not finding it easy to deal with.[/quote]
Stop walking with her then!

SuperSange · 06/04/2021 07:23

You need some immovable boundaries and quickly.

Sunbird24 · 06/04/2021 07:28

They’re both perfectly capable of going on holiday either on their own or as part of a small organised group, they just don’t want to! Do not be guilt-tripped into doing something you don’t want to just because they’d prefer it over their other options.

joystir59 · 06/04/2021 07:30

You are not responsible for their happiness. Repeat daily. Spend your holidays doing what you most want to do.

joystir59 · 06/04/2021 07:32

They are pushing you away with their neediness.

rookiemere · 06/04/2021 07:37

Goodness YANBU at all.

Your DM is 59 and your DF is presumably a similar age, it's not like they are infirm octogenarians. There are loads of travel companies for baby boomers looking to go on solo holidays. Maybe worth looking up a few to give them some ideas. I bet once they've tried it once they won't be using you as their holiday companion.

Other than the trip for your DMs 60th you need to break the chain. They aren't going to meet anyone else - if they want to - when they've got you to rely on as a companion, and in your 20s you should have the freedom to travel when and where you want, before you have DC - if you're planning to.

Rubyrecka · 06/04/2021 08:47

They need there own friends/going away buddies. Introvert or not sometimes you have to make an effort and be out of your comfort zone for a short while to make new friends. I'm sure there's lots about for the older generation. Every time they bring it up I would ask if they have looked into joining any social groups ( ok but hard with covid but they can still have a look and with restrictions easing they'll be able to meet people soon) and deflect it back to them. Ultimately it's their own responsibility not yours.

Sameoldconstellations · 06/04/2021 10:40

Well done for raising your boundaries, OP. Unfortunately you may find you need to raise them still further until they get the message!

As other people have said there are plenty of ways for them to go on holiday without "needing" you - what would they do if they'd not had children!? My widowed MIL goes away with a group of girlfriends, my long term single friend had just started getting into singles holidays before the pandemic (she is very introverted but researched and booked a walking holiday in the non-snowy mountains in Europe which included some time in a group and some optional activities so you didn't have to join in with everything and could have some time on your own if you wanted).

seriousandloyal · 06/04/2021 11:03

Hold firm OP you are doing really well so far x

lightand · 06/04/2021 20:37

Write them both the same letter. Make several copies. If they still bring up the subject, keep giving or sending them a copy of the letter. Some people "learn" in different ways. Telling them both over and over is clearly not working.

Personally I would be spending some holiday time with both of them, but that is me not you.

tattycoram · 07/04/2021 09:50

I think that while you are still feeling guilty they sense that you are wavering and will keep pushing.

At some point you will get to a stage where you say no, mean it, and they will realise that you are serious.

They are being completely unreasonable and you should not feel bad about this.

BadMouses · 07/04/2021 09:54

You poor love. I was in this position at your age. I did compromise by doing weekends with my mother. My father eventually found a new partner.

I was clear with my mum that’s it has to stop. It’s 20 years later and she still asks: I say no, she needs to find friends to go with. She has actually done this a few times now.

They are being selfish and unreasonable. Put your boundaries in place. You sound like a fantastic and kind young woman: don’t let them take advantage.

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