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Original poster

Boyfriend has a strange relationship with his baby’s mum?

62 replies

Lulabelle21 · 28/03/2021 18:44

So I’m just posting for some guidance really.

I met a lovely guy 7 months ago. We hit it off right away, we made it official early on. He had a baby with someone he wasn’t in a relationship with and he admitted they were still ironing out some issues with co parenting but for the most part he said they got on fine.

Early on he said he told her out of respect for her he wouldn’t get in a relationship straight away, because she had feelings for him but he didn’t feel that way with her. I let it go even though I felt uncomfortable she didn’t know I was around.

Then I found out he actually lied about the nature of their relationship when she was pregnant they tried to make it work but to him it was clear they wouldn’t. That caused a big argument because he did not have to lie. He obviously did it to make me feel better about the situation.

Lastly I used his phone and saw his last call was to her, I looked and they had been on the phone for two hours late at night. All of these things together don’t make sense to me. He’s told me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, we spoke about moving nearer his baby together. It’s not a competition at all and the fact he’s lied about this situation makes me very weary but I’m very much in love with him, I know he feels the same way. He doesn’t like when I bring this up because to him he knows he doesn’t feel that way about her. How do I approach this without looking so insecure

OP posts:
Peace43 · 28/03/2021 18:47

He’s lying and is still in a relationship with his ex or is trying to be...

Bluntness100 · 28/03/2021 18:47

I’m very much in love with him, I know he feels the same way

I’m sorry but if that was true you’d not have started this thread. You may be in love with him, but you’re not sure he is with you, and you think he wants his child’s mother and prefers her to you

Anyone who genuinely believes their partner is very much in love with them does not have the concerns you do. I’m sorry op.

Sanchez79 · 28/03/2021 18:48

He's still with her, you're the other woman.

expectopelargonium · 28/03/2021 18:49

How old is the baby?

Original poster
Lulabelle21 · 28/03/2021 18:52

I suppose I do get wrapped up in how we feel when we’re together. He’s very good at talking and is so loving he makes me feel the same way. I will admit I am insecure to some degree, and he did a lot of things he shouldn’t of done to make me feel better.

One thing that really stood out is he would call me ranting about her, or things that had happened or arguments they had. He always said he never had his dad around so he wanted better. I just feel uneasy about the situation but I suppose that’s what happens when you get involved in these things

The baby is one

OP posts:
Sstrongtn · 28/03/2021 18:52

You haven’t posted about this before with him promising not to be with anyone for a year then you stalking her social profile?

Sorry if that’s not you.

That aside he sounds like he lies easily so I wouldn’t be taking it any further.

Original poster
Lulabelle21 · 28/03/2021 18:53

That’s not me, but sounds like men do this a lot...

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD · 28/03/2021 18:56

Does she now know about you or are you still a secret?

Original poster
Lulabelle21 · 28/03/2021 18:59

She doesn’t know about me, at least that’s what I think. He sort of framed it like he doesn’t know what she will do if she finds out. He said he will tell her soon he just doesn’t want to rock the boat.. especially when they haven’t ironed out contact etc.

Seeing it written down I just think how could I be so gullible. I think I need to talk to him, it’s a bit weird because a lot of our future plans depend on how she takes it

OP posts:
MoveOnTheCards · 28/03/2021 19:04

He doesn’t like when I bring this up because to him he knows he doesn’t feel that way about her.

I would imagine it’s just as likely he doesn’t like it because he has a guilty conscience.

Sorry, I think you’re in different places and he’s still got something going with her. Either way he’s not being honest with either of you.

Goleor · 28/03/2021 19:05

Honestly it sounds like he is stringing you both along. I doubt he would know the truth if it bit him.

MoveOnTheCards · 28/03/2021 19:06

I wouldn’t base your future plans on ‘how she takes it’. Instead think about how much you can really trust this guy and go from there.

00100001 · 28/03/2021 19:06

I don't think there should be future plans with this guy other than ending things.

If you stay with him, you're going to be step-mum a child of a guy you've known a few months who has already lied to you.

What do you imagine your future to be like with him and his child in it? Happy days of having the child every other weekend? Not seeing him every other weekend (at least) because he's not ready to introduce you to his child and you possibly wondering if he's with the child's mother?

Original poster
Lulabelle21 · 28/03/2021 19:23

He made such a show of him deleting all women from his social media, and we spent literally every day together. It’s not even that I’m worried that they’re together. From what I’ve seen of their conversations it’s not like that. I just feel uneasy about it, I have text him and asked if we can talk.

If he’s serious about us and has all these plans the least he can do is tell her now or I’m out the door

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 28/03/2021 19:29

‘ He made such a show of him deleting all women from his social media, and we spent literally every day together’

This is ridiculous

cookiecreampie · 28/03/2021 19:34

If he was genuine and trustworthy he wouldn't have had to make a show of deleting women off social media. To me that sounds really immature and something someone would do to prove a point, whilst having something to hide. I would leave this guy. He's in a relationship with both you and his ex by the sound of it and surely you want better than that?

Hugexfilesfan · 28/03/2021 19:34

Sorry if it's y not you, sounds v similar too a poster who had her thread deleted a few weeks back, baby was the same age

1forAll74 · 28/03/2021 19:34

You seem quite young, and have only known this man for a few months,and made things official ,whatever that means, very quickly. and have talked about future plans. He seems to have problems,,still involved with his ex, they have a child,with issues to be sorted re the child, She does not know about your love for this man, and you are at odds about what to think and do now. So probably, all too much to soon, in this relationship !

seensome · 28/03/2021 19:46

If it causes issues now, it always will do, he will always have contact with the mother.
He lied which means you can never trust him and it all seems too much to get involved with someone with baby. Don't get pregnant by him.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/03/2021 19:54

How can you be spending all day with the father of a one year old baby?
He's clearly in some sort of a relationship with the mother, and if he isn't, why not? Is he the sort to abandon his girlfriend when she is pregnant? Why hasn't contact been sorted? Is it because she doesn't trust him?
There are clearly huge issues here, all of which should be red flags for you.
He doesn't sound very lovely at all!

FelicityPike · 28/03/2021 20:01

”they haven’t ironed out contact etc”

In other words your feckkess “boyfriend” hasn’t gotten off his arse and went to mediation/ court to get positive, meaningful contact with his baby?
Does he even pay proper, regular maintenance?
Do either of you work? If you spend all day with each other?
Oh and if you spend all day with him, when does he see his child?!
How old are you, you sound incredibly immature.

FoxgloveBee · 28/03/2021 20:04

Why is he deleting women off social media?

It sounds very messed up and not healthy at all for any party. But the only person you should concern yourself with is you.

What reason could he possibly have to speak to her for two hours? You shouldn't have checked his phone but clearly you're worried about the relationship if you're checking in the first place.

He may be great at talking but he doesn't seem very available and you are going to get hurt.

Eckhart · 28/03/2021 20:10

How do I approach this without looking so insecure

You are insecure. It's not a crime or a sin. He's doing things and those things make you feel insecure. You keep saying words like 'uneasy' and 'uncomfortable'. Regardless of what's going on with this guy and this woman, look at yourself. Why do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who makes you feel insecure and uneasy and uncomfortable? Those are feelings that you need to cut off at the source, rather than worrying about how you look when you feel them.

Get a partner who makes you feel secure. Someone it's easy to be with, drama free. Someone who doesn't make you want to post on forums. Someone you're too busy cuddling up with or laughing with to need to ask strangers advice about on the internet.

Love doesn't feel the way you feel.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/03/2021 20:14

This guy has no business being in a relationship right now and if he was truly interested in his child he would realise this. It sounds like he lives too far away to have the little and often contact that is recommended for small babies. Why is that?? He’s has a long time to make the move, why hasn’t he done it by himself? Why is contact not sorted? Have they been to mediation? Has he taken any meaningful steps to formalise contact??
This guy is not a keeper. And yes it sounds like he still has her on a string
Sorry op.

00100001 · 28/03/2021 20:15

If you're spending every day together. When is he seeing his child?

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