Boyfriend has a strange relationship with his baby’s mum?

[Lulabelle21]

So I’m just posting for some guidance really.

I met a lovely guy 7 months ago. We hit it off right away, we made it official early on. He had a baby with someone he wasn’t in a relationship with and he admitted they were still ironing out some issues with co parenting but for the most part he said they got on fine.

Early on he said he told her out of respect for her he wouldn’t get in a relationship straight away, because she had feelings for him but he didn’t feel that way with her. I let it go even though I felt uncomfortable she didn’t know I was around.

Then I found out he actually lied about the nature of their relationship when she was pregnant they tried to make it work but to him it was clear they wouldn’t. That caused a big argument because he did not have to lie. He obviously did it to make me feel better about the situation.

Lastly I used his phone and saw his last call was to her, I looked and they had been on the phone for two hours late at night. All of these things together don’t make sense to me. He’s told me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him, we spoke about moving nearer his baby together. It’s not a competition at all and the fact he’s lied about this situation makes me very weary but I’m very much in love with him, I know he feels the same way. He doesn’t like when I bring this up because to him he knows he doesn’t feel that way about her. How do I approach this without looking so insecure

It doesn't sound like he is in a position to commit to a relationship right now.

From an outside view, it looks as though he is stringing you both along, telling each of you what you want to hear.

I'd bet that she believes she is the significant relationship in his life.
Otherwise, why would he need to keep you a secret, why would it matter what her reaction was?

He sounds quite manipulative and secretive, you already don't really trust him, and you've already caught him out in some lies. None of these are good qualities. They are early relationship red flags, waving at you from all directions. Ignore them at your peril.

You would be foolish in the extreme, to move anywhere with him, least of all closer to his baby and its mother.

At this early stage in a relationship, everything should be fun and joyful as you get to know each other, but this man has too much hidden, too many secrets, for that to be possible for you.

He will have noticed your insecurities, possibly even selected you because of them, and he is certainly playing upon them in order to get what he wants from you.
Run for the hills while you still can!

Please say you know you are worth more than this. I've just finished reading the thread about what people regret. Crappy relationships with men who are playing at life was a common theme. Just walk away and find someone who values you for who you are.

He is still in a relationship with her and I'm sorry OP, but he's stringing you along. You need to take control and dump him - you are worth far more than that!

Just walk away. Sounds like a massive migraine.

He will have a bond with her that he doesn’t have with you. They have a child together. I’m not sure what’s going on with them but I’d imagine at the very least, it will be chats about “making it work for the kids sake” with one of them pushing that.
If you look at this longterm, would you be happy and content knowing that he will ALWAYS talk to her. He will always have a reason to speak with her whenever he wants, he will likely see her for contact, she will be in touch every time the kid is ill or she needs childcare at the drop of a hat etc.
It’s a lot to take on.
And while you don’t trust him already, is it worth it?

Look, he's fucking you both because he can. You can choose to accept that or you can walk away and have a fulfilling life that doesn't involve being second best. You can choose to have his next baby or you can be your own person. We all make choices. Choose wisely.

You met when his child was 5 months old? He shouldn’t have time for dating. He should be too busy with work and child contact. With a baby contact is going to be short visits so it’s going to be somewhat time consuming. The fact that he is not is enough of a giant red flag to run very far from this man.

@Lulabelle21

I suppose I do get wrapped up in how we feel when we’re together. He’s very good at talking and is so loving he makes me feel the same way. I will admit I am insecure to some degree, and he did a lot of things he shouldn’t of done to make me feel better.

One thing that really stood out is he would call me ranting about her, or things that had happened or arguments they had. He always said he never had his dad around so he wanted better. I just feel uneasy about the situation but I suppose that’s what happens when you get involved in these things

The baby is one

What? He is calling you ranting about his child's mother?! And you think this is ok?

Jesus raise your standards.

There's so much wrong with even your opening post that I don't know where to start. What do you actually think it happening here? I am baffled tbh. I haven't read the whole thread so I'm sure others have pointed out tje obvious. Just this post... well it was so ridiculous I felt I had to reply without even reading the rest.

Seriously OP. Grow up, and go find a real man who behaves like an adult and doesn't blatantly lie to you because you let him treat you like a mug.

And maybe stay away from men who've got babies with someone else that they have (apparently, or really) abandoned in future? If he has, he's a shit. If he is pretending he has, he's a shit.

Even if not "with" the mother, who'd be looking for a new relationship when their child is ONE? Not trying to use all of their energy to be a decent parent, whether "with" the mother of not?

Raise your bar, by a mile or two, before you even consider a relationship with anyone.

@Lulabelle21

He made such a show of him deleting all women from his social media, and we spent literally every day together. It’s not even that I’m worried that they’re together. From what I’ve seen of their conversations it’s not like that. I just feel uneasy about it, I have text him and asked if we can talk.

If he’s serious about us and has all these plans the least he can do is tell her now or I’m out the door

Hahahaaa ok, let us know how that went.

Like I said, grow up!

There is a child involved here. How old are you to behave like this?

He will have a bond with her that he doesn’t have with you. They have a child together.

What a dickish comment and in all liklihood, total projection. They will always have a link via their child, that's not the same as having a bond.

OP, just because he has spoken to her for a couple of hours, doesn't mean he's actually in a relationship with her still. However, if he also hasn't told her about her, and she has feelings for you, it could be that he's stringing her along. This could be out of genuine fear of her stopping him from seeing the baby (this does happen) or it could be an ego boost for him, or both. Whatever it is you need to draw your boundaries and if he doesn't stick within them, or hasn't been sticking within them then move on. Don't be scared to speak to him, if you actually want a functioning relationship you need to be able to do this without worrying about appearing insecure. Why did he delete all the women from his social media though? That's a bit odd.

@Tallybeebloom

He will have a bond with her that he doesn’t have with you. They have a child together.

What a dickish comment and in all liklihood, total projection. They will always have a link via their child, that's not the same as having a bond.

OP, just because he has spoken to her for a couple of hours, doesn't mean he's actually in a relationship with her still. However, if he also hasn't told her about her, and she has feelings for you, it could be that he's stringing her along. This could be out of genuine fear of her stopping him from seeing the baby (this does happen) or it could be an ego boost for him, or both. Whatever it is you need to draw your boundaries and if he doesn't stick within them, or hasn't been sticking within them then move on. Don't be scared to speak to him, if you actually want a functioning relationship you need to be able to do this without worrying about appearing insecure. Why did he delete all the women from his social media though? That's a bit odd.

"Functioning relationship"?

😂

Did you read the OP?

I think he sounds more stressed than bad. He is conflicted.

Him saying his dad wasn't there for him and he wants to be for his child is something to take on board.

So I think he's anxious of pissing her off and that impacting on his involvement with his child. Remember he's the one who said it wouldn't work. He left her.

Apparently. But you only have his word for all of this.

Two hours on the phone to her at night is not an ex who he is done with. It's someone he talks to. But then again they have a kid together.

But you seem to have a close relationship with him.

I think:
He wants you
But
He's attached to her through the child
He may be pacifying/keeping her on board because wants her on side so he can be part of his child's life

I think that in continuing with this, you need to be wary. I suspect only time and moving closer will bring the issues and actual situation out more clearly.

I do think it must be very hard to have your first baby and not be there every day with him/her.

This man is not a keeper. He should already be living as near as possible to his young child, and have a consistent relationship with the child - it is very simple to get it organised. He is already lying to you, his excuses are just that - excuses. If he had sensible, legalised contact/joint residency of his child then there would be no affect on this with his “ex” knowing about you. You think he’s sensitive and caring but he’s not actually doing the parenting/adulting that IS that.
Also, deleting all women from social media is pathetic. That doesn’t “prove” he’s faithful why would it? In fact it’s creepy. You either trust your partner to want to be in a monogamous relationship with you or you don’t - and if you don’t then you are wasting time/life. You deserve more than this you know.

So, you're the official girlfriend this year; but he hasn't told last year's OGF yet because he thinks it would annoy her/ damage their relationship.

You know he lies to both of you.

Despite you being a big secret, he's planning to move you closer to her . Even though you've never even met the child .

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

It's perfectly rational to distrust a lying liar that you know lies to you.

You should catch yourself on and stop calling it insecurity.

Surely you can do better?

It sounds like it was her who dumped him not the other way round. They’re clearly still tied in some way other than their baby. Why would he lie? Guilty conscience!

Find someone who’s really invested in you as a person not just a stopgap while other women aren’t available. He also sounds quite immature. There are better men out there, OP.

Why would you chose this man above all other men?

What are we teaching our daughters?!

I think he lied to make me feel better about their relationship. She’s less of a ‘threat’ if they were never together and they only slept together a couple of times.

He obviously went the wrong way about it. I agree he wasn’t seeing the baby much. When he would have the baby it would be for a few days at a time at his own house. Never met the baby.

He used to stay there prior to us meeting but he said he didn’t want to moving forward because it’s not fair to me.

He lied because it was easier. That's not a positive.

He made such a show of him deleting all women from his social media, and we spent literally every day together.

Genuine question - do you think the deletion thing is healthy behaviour?

And you say 'spent' every day together (past tense) which as you've acknowledged means he can't have seen the baby much at all. Didnt that hugely turn you off at the time? The fact he wasn't that bothered about seeing his own child?

These are genuine, not accusatory questions I think it's important you consider.

He lied because it was easier. That's not a positive.

Don't you think he's being careful how he presents the reality here? I think he likes the OP and doesn't want to put her off, but he also doesn't want to put off the mother of his child. I think he's totally mixed up.

How old are you, OP? And him? Sorry if I've missed that somewhere.

It all sounds to me like everything is first time here - first child, first relationships - it sounds like immaturity, inexperience, not knowing quite what to do.

Which indeed could make life miserable for everyone. The only way forwards, OP, is to try an all cards on the table scenario. If you like him so much, and he seems to like you, then I would say this gets one shot: make him feel he can actually tell you the truth without it being a big deal. Explain how him telling you exactly what the issues are is the MOST important thing if he wants to have any chance of keeping seeing you.

IF he's just all over the place and doesn't know how to deal with having had his first child with a woman he doesn't want to be with, but who wants to be with him, then IF you think he's worth it, your way forwards is going to be to work together with him on this. To support him. To help him get into a situation where he can see his child in a fair and reasonable way without the threat of losing that because he doesn't want to be with her.
[Note: a lot of people on here will now think I'm being at best idiotically nice, and at worst facilitating a lying cheating SOB who should fuck right off - but, you OP wanted advice and options, and that's what I'm giving you.]
IF you go this way, then you are going to have to park your worries on a shelf and trust him. Trust, crucially, his feelings for you.

But if he can't do it, can't or won't tell you properly, can't or won't trust you, then to be honest you're on a bit of a hiding to nothing. If he fobs you off or reassures you in a way that doesn't feel so reassuring, that would be much more likely to suggest he's playing the two of you, as well.

EITHER way, this isn't straightforward with him. But then it was never going to be, with a 1-year-old with another woman who still wants him.

Is he worth the hassle? That's really the question you need to ask yourself.

What a dickish comment and in all liklihood, total projection

What are you on about? Dickish? As in my comment was me being a dick? No it wasn’t. It’s true . He has a baby with a woman who he lived with and spends hours with on the phone. Of course he has a bond with her? And projecting? I have no idea what that refers to.

God knows what triggered you in my comment. But this man ain’t a keeper. And a functioning relationship? Lol.

So many red flags he's practically got the bunting out.

He is not being truthful and then is turning it back on you to protect your feelings. Good manipulation technique there. Expect that to continue.

He hasn't clearly communicated to his last GF what the situation is, so for all she knows they are still in a relationship. Coward at dealing with people and being honest. You can expect the same behaviour towards you.

You need to put the rose tinted spectacles down and take an honest look at how he is behaving.

They're probably at it.
Toss him back and cast your rod again.