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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex has now got verbally abusive

52 replies

Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 18:40

So yesterday my ex husband showed a new side to him.

He decided to slam the door in my mums face and call her a scummy tramp, a scumbag c* and told her to fuck off and all in front of our children!

My mum has been the middle person for the last 8-10 weeks because I do not want any contact with him what's so ever. He's a typical narcissist. I've been doing so well too, I did post a few weeks ago about him acting different and starting to come to my house, looking for my car, wanting my mum to get me to ring him, buying our 8 & 5 year old a phone and the list goes on. He cheated on me and is with the woman he cheated on me with, I have been through some tough shit with him the last 8 months and it's not been until I've told him which I was advised by the police to change my number, and get a third person involved. Which I have done and now he's getting nasty. I've had to report him to the police yesterday because of what he did and said and in front of our children, it was only last Monday that the police had called him and warned him not to keep coming to my house as I feel uncomfortable in my own home now when he has the kids and is due to bring them back because I'm worried he will just turn up as he has been doing.

I need advice on what to do? He's taking me to court in June as he wants contact set in stone and is now acting like this and being a complete asshole.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 27/03/2021 18:45

I hope someone with more experience comes along to advise you, this sounds so tough. You definitely don't want your children to witness this sort of abuse, yet you don't want him to use them as pawns if you try and impose limits on his behaviour. Can someone drop the children off for you, rather than him coming to the house?

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 18:48

@AudTheDeepMinded

I hope someone with more experience comes along to advise you, this sounds so tough. You definitely don't want your children to witness this sort of abuse, yet you don't want him to use them as pawns if you try and impose limits on his behaviour. Can someone drop the children off for you, rather than him coming to the house?
Well my mum now doesn't want him going to her house and she was the only one willing to do it no one else would? He's kind of burned that bridge now really? I just don't know what to do
OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 27/03/2021 18:57

You said it yourself - he's burned that bridge.

He can meet them in a contact centre from now on.

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:00

@StephenBelafonte

You said it yourself - he's burned that bridge.

He can meet them in a contact centre from now on.

Will that stand in court? It's just a joke I don't get why he's being like this..... 🙄
OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 27/03/2021 19:03

Of course it will stand in court. If he's too agressive to pick them up from you and your mum and you have evidence from the police to back this up then yes, it'll have to be a contact centre. Did he give them phones? Does he honestly expect a five year old to remember to charge a phone. Does the 5 year old even know how to use one.

AIMD · 27/03/2021 19:03

Can you get a restraining order or non molestation order?

I would call a domestic abuse helpline and ask them for specific advice.

If he is being abusive and he goes to court for contact you can try to access legal aid for it.

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:04

@StephenBelafonte

Of course it will stand in court. If he's too agressive to pick them up from you and your mum and you have evidence from the police to back this up then yes, it'll have to be a contact centre. Did he give them phones? Does he honestly expect a five year old to remember to charge a phone. Does the 5 year old even know how to use one.
Ok. I've got the police coming to see me and my mum tomorrow. I will also talk to them about all this too.

My 5 year old has no idea how to use a phone no. I don't get why he got them a phone? 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 27/03/2021 19:05

I don't get why he got them a phone?

Because he wants to bypass you and speak to them directly probably. Which is fine when they're teenagers, not when they're 5 or so.

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:06

@AIMD

Can you get a restraining order or non molestation order?

I would call a domestic abuse helpline and ask them for specific advice.

If he is being abusive and he goes to court for contact you can try to access legal aid for it.

I'm going to ask the police tomorrow for a mole station order as I think this is all a joke. Was disgusting the way he spoke to my mum I'm was furious!
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:07

@StephenBelafonte

I don't get why he got them a phone?

Because he wants to bypass you and speak to them directly probably. Which is fine when they're teenagers, not when they're 5 or so.

See I see this differently. It's to get to me because he don't have the control anymore. Now he's getting nasty.
OP posts:
AIMD · 27/03/2021 19:08

Are you keeping a log of all of this.
Make any communication via writing (email/text) so you can keep a log of anything he says.
Report any abusive behaviour to the police.
Keep a log of this all so you have it in case you need it in court.

Is it recorded with the police that the incident with your mum took place in front of the children?

Sidewalksue · 27/03/2021 19:09

Keep good records. Start now and write down everything that has happened with dates. I think it’s useful to write down that you felt scared/intimidated etc as well.

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:10

@AIMD

Are you keeping a log of all of this. Make any communication via writing (email/text) so you can keep a log of anything he says. Report any abusive behaviour to the police. Keep a log of this all so you have it in case you need it in court.

Is it recorded with the police that the incident with your mum took place in front of the children?

I have been I've logged everything down. The police have been called three times I've got the incident numbers too.
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:10

@Sidewalksue

Keep good records. Start now and write down everything that has happened with dates. I think it’s useful to write down that you felt scared/intimidated etc as well.
I have been everything has been logged with the police and written down too.
OP posts:
AIMD · 27/03/2021 19:13

Sound like you are doing as much as you can for now.

What is the situation with the children’s school/nursery. Do you pick up/collect them. I’m just wondering what would happen if he turned up there or tried to collect the children from school?

Has he actually applied to court yet?

Princessbanana · 27/03/2021 19:14

Is there any court order for him to see the kids now? If not then I would email him and let him know that he can see the kids when a court order is out in place. Tell him you were fine with the arrangements with your mother doing the handover but now he’s fucked that up it can’t continue. I would be surprised if social services didn’t tell you to stop contact until court after what he done on front of them. Did they give you any advice? Could you ring for advice? Make a new email address just for him and only log in when you really need to.💕

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:15

@AIMD

Sound like you are doing as much as you can for now.

What is the situation with the children’s school/nursery. Do you pick up/collect them. I’m just wondering what would happen if he turned up there or tried to collect the children from school?

Has he actually applied to court yet?

I get them from school and have been since we split up. He's already applied to court he did this in January and the first hearing is the 7th of June. He was only warned by the police Monday because he's started to come to my house and stuff when I've asked him not too. Then he does this the Friday? He told my mum to that the phone was because he wanted to ring the boys once a week on a Wednesday he has rang them 3 times this week?
OP posts:
Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:17

@Princessbanana

Is there any court order for him to see the kids now? If not then I would email him and let him know that he can see the kids when a court order is out in place. Tell him you were fine with the arrangements with your mother doing the handover but now he’s fucked that up it can’t continue. I would be surprised if social services didn’t tell you to stop contact until court after what he done on front of them. Did they give you any advice? Could you ring for advice? Make a new email address just for him and only log in when you really need to.💕
No there's no court order at the moment. He's taking me to court in June. That's when our first hearing is. I think I'm going to have to stop contact for now because of what he's done. I will have to just say what you have just said. I've not had social services involved as of yet but I'm sure the police may involve them?
OP posts:
AIMD · 27/03/2021 19:19

@Leanne1191 that sounds so stressful for you, your mum and the boys.

How have the boys been since Friday?

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:21

[quote AIMD]@Leanne1191 that sounds so stressful for you, your mum and the boys.

How have the boys been since Friday?[/quote]
Well they went with him. Because he was picking them up. I spoke to the police about it and they said to get someone else to meet him Sunday when he drops them home.

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 27/03/2021 19:29

If you do get a custody order make sure that you specifies that it has powers attached and then email any copies of non-moms etc to the police so it can be entered on the PNC database. Then if you have issues with him ever not returning them you can get police involved.

Original poster
Leanne1191 · 27/03/2021 19:31

@Babysharkdoodoodood

If you do get a custody order make sure that you specifies that it has powers attached and then email any copies of non-moms etc to the police so it can be entered on the PNC database. Then if you have issues with him ever not returning them you can get police involved.
I will be looking into that too, a residency order, because he's done that to me before aswell told me he wasn't going to bring them home until I spoke to him face to face
OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 27/03/2021 19:37

He not happy having you removed from the pick up process - so behave abusive with your num to stop her doing it

My next tack would be ok

You pick the girls up each week from outside the police station, ( outside won’t be hurting anyone) it’s a public space on neutral ground and stops him in his tracks but puts you in a safe area

Added to which it’s all under surveillance

Hopefully your local cop shop isn’t far

PicsInRed · 27/03/2021 19:41

The end is nigh for post separation coercive controllers like your ex, OP...

www.gov.uk/government/news/new-laws-to-protect-victims-added-to-domestic-abuse-bill

Bide your time, soon he will be committing chargeable offences.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 27/03/2021 19:43

@ivykaty44

He not happy having you removed from the pick up process - so behave abusive with your num to stop her doing it

My next tack would be ok

You pick the girls up each week from outside the police station, ( outside won’t be hurting anyone) it’s a public space on neutral ground and stops him in his tracks but puts you in a safe area

Added to which it’s all under surveillance

Hopefully your local cop shop isn’t far

@ivykaty44 is spot on. He wants your mum to stop being the middleman so that he has an excuse for contact with you.

If there's no-one else that can do it (and I can quite see why you don't want to get anyone else involved, or why anyone else would want to. Though if you had a 6'6 brick shithouse of a brother that would be perfect) then definitely have handover in a public place rather than at your home. Or would pick up from school work?

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