Online dating app suggestions please.

[Muuuuuummm]

Hello, I have never tried online dating before but I have a friend who isnt having much luck on Tinder. I wonder if another one might be better. She is in her early fifties but seems younger. Could you give me some recommendations. Shes looking for a relationship not a fling. Thank you x

@Sillyduckseverywhere

We live in a digital world now.

There will be a much higher proportion of people who are socially inept, spend all their time stuck to their computers, and don't have many interests. It's just common sense

Much like mumsnet?

You need to open your eyes more.
This really is cringingly judgemental.

Yes, much like Mumsnet. That's a good point.

If you and a couple of other on the thread find me overly judgmental... well, you are judging me even by saying that. I find that cringey. But if I find something you say cringey, it won't stop you saying or thinking it, will it. Because my opinion has no impact on your life. And that goes both ways.

I think you need to open your eyes more, but, again, you won't be taking any more notice of me than I do of you. Nobody is interested here in being told by you or anybody else who to be.

The comment policing here is astounding, and fascinating. All over the thread. It's assumed that I've never used dating apps so I don't know what I'm talking about, it's assumed that I'm not single/have no idea what it's like to be single, I've been accused of calling people names on other threads, with absolutely no foundation... It backs up what I'm saying, really. Like you say, dating apps, MN, any online forum. Full of people with unfounded ideas, calling people who don't agree with them names.

I can only assume that people are feeling defensive of dating apps because they use them. 'It's a digital world' is a very weak argument, and really only proves my point. If people think that it is only a digital world, that's a sad state of affairs. There's a lot of other stuff to do other than digital. Granted, it's tough in lockdown, but unless you're expecting the right partner to fall into your lap instantly, waiting for weeks, months, sometimes years, for the right person is part of the process.

Sorry I'm too socially inept to construct a reply shrug

Yes, people use them. Yes they are defensive when people call them names like "socially inept"

I would say that internet daters are in the majority now. The vast majority of relationships I've seen blossom over the last few years have started online.
If you don't want to believe that articulate, intelligent people with meaningful and busy lives can find each other on an app then that's up to you.

@Sillyduckseverywhere

If you don't want to believe that articulate, intelligent people with meaningful and busy lives can find each other on an app then that's up to you

Thanks for giving me permission to think what I want to think. It means a lot to me. You've actually misquoted me and clearly don't get what I'm saying, but never mind. As I said, it doesn't really matter what you think of what I say.

Sorry I'm too socially inept to construct a reply shrug

You don't need to be socially 'ept' to construct replies and write them in message boxes to strangers. Do you not see that that's my point? I'm sure you are very socially inept, as you say, but it's not stopping you posting, is it.

Good lord Eckhart, you are very rude. For someone who spends their time with lots of far more interesting things, you are here quite a lot, aren't you?

@cantgetmyheadroundit

Good lord Eckhart, you are very rude. For someone who spends their time with lots of far more interesting things, you are here quite a lot, aren't you?

Good lord!!

Yes, I'm covering a helpline. It's very quiet some days. I intersperse it with piano practice and reading about history, until the work day ends and I can go out marathon training (I'm doing a half later in the year, to raise money for my local hospice) That's when I'm not studying for my acupuncture course, or out with friends.

I haven't been rude. Your comment was rude though, and sarcastic.

I've been told what to think, quite a lot, and had a lot of assumptions made about me (including by you just now; I've never said I spend my time doing lots of interesting things. I said that lots of people who use dating apps don't)

Are people here incapable of thinking conceptually? It seems like it.

I think a lot of us are thinking conceptually, just not in a way you agree with @Eckhart

Let’s think of it another way...

Say a woman hoping for a male partner goes to a running club. At least 50% (probably more) of the people there will be female. Of the men, many of them will already be in relationships, others will be considerably older or considerably younger than her. They’ll almost definitely be there to run not to date. The chances of there being a man there who is single, in the ‘right’ age group and interested in her are low.

The same woman could go on Tinder, set her search parameters for the right age group and distance from her home and swipe right only on men who are also interested in running (identified by their photos or their profile) and have a much higher chance of meeting someone they could have a relationship.

Like you said right at the start, it’s a numbers game. Right now, the odds are better on OLD than anywhere else.

@TheJackieWeaver

You've just argued the point for why everybody was single before apps existed.

But hang on. They weren't.

You're also missing out 2 very vital parts of the equation (rendering the equation to be balderdash) One is that it's a lot easier to lie about yourself on an app than it is in real life. If you don't think lots of people do this... well, you're wrong. The other is... why do they choose this method of meeting people? People don't have to be 'narrowed down' into those who are 'looking for dates'. That's synthetic. It's a natural thing that happens in the right place at the right time. The happiest couple I know met when she saw him fall in a hedge in a car park! Neither of them were looking. One of them was married. If people needed to be 'narrowed down', affairs would be hugely unlikely to happen, and yet strangely, they happen all the time.

It is a numbers game. OLD enables you to meet many more people you don't want to be with before you meet the person you do. What a miserable process. Meeting people in real life is a much clearer process. Far from flawless, but you're more likely to spend your time single and enjoying life until you meet the partner that you want than on 20 dates with mismatches.

Agree it takes longer OLD but some people ( me included) don't have the time or motivation to join all these clubs where men "might" be.

It is like sifting through shite, no denying that, but there is the odd good one I think!

@Eckhart, with respect (because I remember reading some of your posts on other threads on here before, and you have always struck me as a very wise and kind person), I think people are bridling because, although you aren’t saying exactly this, there is kind of an implicit implication that a lot of people who go on the apps (and I hear that you are not saying all) are people who squander their whole time on the internet rather than engaging fully with Real Life.

And I don’t think that’s true by any means. Some people might be on them all the time - but it’s easily possible to engage with them in a more limited way. For example, some of my brief time Tindering was while I was on holiday with my daughter. We did loads of things together and had an amazing time (she speaks of it as the best holiday of her life). But, I still had chance to dip into Tinder occasionally - after she was asleep say, or if she was browsing in a shop that didn’t interest me, or when she wanted to spend ages sketching the sea. (She loves to draw - I don’t!)

In fact, I was already chatting to the guy I am now with, and I remember him saying, don’t feel you have to message me - you are on holiday. But while I didn’t message him loads, I easily found time to at least daily, just as I messaged my mom and my closest friends every day. I also spent a little time on Mumsnet I think, and certainly would have spent a little time on the Facebook group I admin (which reflects my most passionate interest). Likewise DD spent a little time gaming, and a little time watching TV in the room. But we also spent LOADS of time walking, talking, seeing the sights.....It was such a special time for us. But didn’t preclude the odd bit of Tindering.....

It’s just not that time-consuming that it stops you doing real life things......

@Lovelydiscusfish

Thank you for the 'wise and kind' comment, I appreciate it.

an implicit implication that a lot of people who go on the apps (and I hear that you are not saying all) are people who squander their whole time on the internet rather than engaging fully with Real Life

This isn't an implication, it's the very core of what I'm saying. There's a lot of people on dating apps who do that. Dating apps are filters that filter out many people who want to meet genuinely nice people. They allow people who like to lie and dupe to present an acceptable and believable front, which is much harder in real life. They don't filter out the terminally lazy and the terminally bored, they don't filter out the people who can't really be bothered to make any effort.

It's a pool of people which contains a far higher percentage of unhealthy traits than the pool of people who go out and pursue their interests. I'm not saying there's no cross over. There are success stories and horror stories either way. But there's a lot more dating horror stories since online dating came along. The older generations are horrified by the dating stories younger people tell. There's considerably less respect, things move much too fast, and people don't turn out to be what they said they were.

@bangheadhere40

Agree it takes longer OLD but some people ( me included) don't have the time or motivation to join all these clubs where men "might" be.

It is like sifting through shite, no denying that, but there is the odd good one I think!

And don't forget, you must only join clubs for things you are passionate about. And that must not be sewing (even if you are passionate about sewing) but table tennis is allowed. Because miraculously you will meet men who are single, your age, attractive to you, who fancy you, and who love table tennis and are prepared to overlook your inability to play table tennis and the fact you just joined to snag a shag, on the basis he has a lot of buttons that need sewing on.

😁😁

I’m actually starting to worry about you @Eckhart. You must have had horrible experiences of OLD. Mine have been positive.

@TheJackieWeaver

I’m actually starting to worry about you *@Eckhart*. You must have had horrible experiences of OLD. Mine have been positive.

That's very nice of you. What a kind person you are. I'm very happy though. No need to concern yourself.

I have my own experiences and I've heard those of others. There's often threads on here, too, about OLD nightmares. It's not unusual.

Maybe you think it is unusual, and that informs your view?

If you think it's miraculous to meet a person without using a website, via the means of living your life happily enjoying your interests, VanGogh, how do you think people used to meet each other? How old are you?

Life does happen offline. It's not miraculous to fall in love without trying, it happens all the time, and often even to people who don't want it to. People who are already in relationships fall in love at work, at the school gates, at badminton on Thursday evening, at meditation on Saturday morning. It happens by mistake whilst you're doing something else. If you think it's miraculous that Geraldine and Bobby from work had an affair, or that James and Caroline met at a wedding, then... well, your standard for miracles is rubbish.

Your fixation with sewing and table tennis is interesting. You are aware that they were examples, and that there are billions of activities available at all times of day and night to all of us, all the time, aren't you? Your view of hobbies seems as narrow as your view of miracles...

So we are all narrow minded and should seek affairs with married men at badminton classes?
Or maybe I should put on my best "fuck me" boots and hang around the school gates.

I'll take my chances with the dregs online ta.

Oh hang on. I'm off the market owing to my online dating success.
As you were.

Can't think of anything more tedious than badminton types really.

Really?
You've resorted to attacking my written English?
Bravo slow clap
It's an Internet forum, I'm entertaining myself inbetween tasks. Do you have anything better than that?

You seem to think you're a cut above all of the poor sad souls that languish on dating sites. Please, enlighten us?

(No really do, we are all desperate to know why you clog up these threads going on about how awful dating online is despite most people giving anecdotal evidence that it works)

You used sewing and table tennis as examples and the reason you said NOT sewing was because it is female dominated.

You also said people should pursue their passions. But clearly we must only pursue passions that men also like.

How very 1950's.

I can't meet men at work due to the nature of my job but I would never have an affair anyway. I think it is YOUR standards that are low if you think that's a better way to behave.

I have met men in "real life", and dated and had relationships, I have also met men via OLD and had relationships. OLD is just a sub section of real life by the way.

The things I do don't generally lead to dating.

But that doesn't mean I am online all the time as you seem to be suggesting.

Life is not as binary as you state. It's possible to have hobbies, be interesting and interested and yet still use OLD and find it a reasonable experience.

I've never suggested anyone have an affair. WTF.

I'm not suggesting you're online all the time. Don't take my comments so personally. Not everything is about you.

I don't state that life is binary.

What a load of crap interpretation of things I've said quite clearly.

@Sillyduckseverywhere

I didnt attack your written English, it was your comprehension that was at fault.

What a load of crap interpretation of things I've said quite clearly

Obviously you haven't. Or we wouldn't all be misunderstanding you...

My friend rates Facebook dating and match!

Anyway, @Muuuuuummm get on tinder is my advice 😃