When should I bring up kids? Am I overthinking this?

[melononapear]

I've been talking to a guy a met on OLD for about a month. We've not met yet but probably will be soon when restrictions lift. I'm starting to really like him, we have are on the same page with a lot of things, lots of common interests etc.

His profile was quite short but in it he mentions that he doesn't have kids and then some other stuff, phrased like:

I don't have any kids *etc etc I'm X kind of person and I'm looking for someone the same'. I'm just getting a bit worried because I understood this to mean 'I'm X kind of person and I'm looking for someone the same' but I'm not sure if he is also referring to the 'I don't have any kids and I want someone the same'. We haven't discussed kids or anything similar.

Thing is, I do have kids. I don't want to date someone with kids and I don't want any more in the future but my situation with them is quite complicated due to one of my dc's being severely disabled so I feel more comfortable discussing it in person. I'm just worried that the more time goes on he'll be upset to find out about them and feel like I've wasted his time if he doesn't want to be involved with someone with kids.

I've not explained myself very well but I'm getting more and more nervous about it! Obviously if we get on he will have to know eventually but at this very early stage it's not something I felt the need to talk about. Should I bring it up soon so I don't waste either of our time if it's a dealbreaker for him or wait and mention it when we meet as I'd planned?

I have kids and wouldn’t want to date anyone with kids either but apparently that’s totally unreasonable and people that don’t have kids and don’t want any wouldn’t usually want to date someone that does have kids if they don’t want any of their own so maybe it’s best to be honest and tell him as soon as possible? That should be before meeting btw otherwise it’s just deceptive.

Might as well be honest, or you're wasting your own time too. Is there some reason why you didn't mention it at the start?

@ravenmum

Might as well be honest, or you're wasting your own time too. Is there some reason why you didn't mention it at the start?

I’m with this^

I would have thought that the fact you have children , whatever the situation with them is , should have been mentioned from the outset .

I don't know how you've managed to speak to someone for a month and not dropped into conversation that you're with the kids..at the park...doing school run...playing guess who for 2629th time etc! I'm chatting to someone who doesn't have children at the minute even though I have 2 and I often drop into conversation that I'm up with the children or sorry I didn't message I was doing bath time etc. I'd definitely mention it, otherwise you're wasting your own precious time if he doesn't want someone with kids x

You should tell him ASAP.

A month is plenty of time to bring it up - “how’s your weekend been?” “kids and I watched x on tv, how was yours” “oh you’ve got kids?” “Yep” - and it could well be a deal breaker for him in which case you’re both wasting time you could be using to meet someone more compatible.

Yeah you need to tell him before you meet him, you shouldn’t hide the fact you have kids in case it puts people off as surely if someone doesn’t want to date someone with kids that’s their own choice?

One of the first things I'd do is tell someone I have kids. Tell him like yesterday.

Also as mentioned if you don’t want any more kids and you don’t want to date someone with kids then you are basically looking for someone who never wants kids but is happy to take on yours? That’s not going to be an easy find, most men that don’t have kids or don’t want them aren’t going to want to date someone that does have kids are they?

I think after a month it's only fair he should know. I definitely wouldn't date anyone with young kids so would be a bit pissed off if I'd spent a month getting to know someone and then they dropped that they did in fact have young kids.

It's also a waste of your time too if he also doesn't want to date someone with kids

If you have them, then bring it up now.

If you dont have them, but want them in the future, bring it up way way down the line.

Existing kids is a deal breaker for many (including for those who have their own).

Op you are not being fair to yourself or the gentleman you are speaking to. He maybe catching feelings for you too. Its really important to say this from the outset as you are now seen as hiding a really fundamental part of your life that cannot be hidden or swept under a carpet. Please tell him immediately and let him decide if he wants to continue. It might be a good idea to put this on your profile so it would weed out people who do not want to date anyone with children.

Always best to tell people up front that you have kids.

It's usually a good idea to mention it on your online dating profile. You don't have to mention the children's health issues or anything. I'd just state it as a simple fact "I have 3 children". You can explain your situation when you actually meet someone.

I do think it's quite deceptive not to mention it in your profile though. I'd definitely mention it before you meet up. I have a child but like pp wouldn't be keen to date someone else with children (as odd as that sounds). If I'd faffed about getting ready for a date and then got there to discover the guy actually has children, I wouldn't be too impressed. I'm far too selfish to be dealing with potential stepchildren and all the drama that can sometimes entail. Not everyone is like me but it's still best to mention it.

It's better to be up front and honest so that you meet someone that is right for you. Plenty of people are happy to date parents.

As I said my situation is very complicated because of my dc's disability so it's awkward to talk about over messages. They don't live with me at the moment.

There hasn't really been a good time to bring it up in conversation so far, I've not been purposely avoiding the subject but I just wanted us to get to know each other first before we get into the more difficult stuff. My children are both teenagers and their father is not involved so many of the issues that you would normally run into with dating someone with kids are not relevant for me.

Are both of your DC living away from you?

Even if it's complicated you really should have mentioned it by now, it's only fair.

Sorry, OP, I think it's deceptive not to say anything.

You should have told him by now.

By the sounds of it you are deliberately keeping it from him, it doesn’t matter if they don’t live with you they are still your children. Would you say a single nrp father shouldn’t tell women he has kids because they don’t live with him?? My child has disabilities (although she lives with me) that isn’t a reason not to tell someone? It’s important information when dating someone.

You could say "I have two teenagers" to make it clear that you don't have childcare responsibilities. You don't want to be leaving it until you actually meet him and then throw it all at him at once. It comes across as dishonest, even if that isn't your intention.

Yeah I think you should have dropped it into conversation by now. I would do it asap if I were you. Sounds complicated though of they're both teens and not living with you. Is it that you don't want to explain the situation to him?

It sounds like the children are in foster care or some kind of residential care and you aren't sure how to approach it with potential partners, have I got that right?

Could you speak to him on the phone before you arrange a date?

Yes I do see what you mean. It was never my intention to 'hide' it, and if he had asked me I would have told him but we just haven't talked about anything in that subject area so it's not come up naturally.

I do have very good, valid reasons why they don't live with me but they are complicated and take time to discuss hence why I'm reluctant to do it via texts. It's a very long story. If I'm honest I guess I'm also worried because people can be quite judgmental when they hear that fact in isolation so it's something I only tell people I trust, including those who are just friends.

Definitely tell him. You don’t need to explain the details.