When should I bring up kids? Am I overthinking this?

[melononapear]

I've been talking to a guy a met on OLD for about a month. We've not met yet but probably will be soon when restrictions lift. I'm starting to really like him, we have are on the same page with a lot of things, lots of common interests etc.

His profile was quite short but in it he mentions that he doesn't have kids and then some other stuff, phrased like:

I don't have any kids *etc etc I'm X kind of person and I'm looking for someone the same'. I'm just getting a bit worried because I understood this to mean 'I'm X kind of person and I'm looking for someone the same' but I'm not sure if he is also referring to the 'I don't have any kids and I want someone the same'. We haven't discussed kids or anything similar.

Thing is, I do have kids. I don't want to date someone with kids and I don't want any more in the future but my situation with them is quite complicated due to one of my dc's being severely disabled so I feel more comfortable discussing it in person. I'm just worried that the more time goes on he'll be upset to find out about them and feel like I've wasted his time if he doesn't want to be involved with someone with kids.

I've not explained myself very well but I'm getting more and more nervous about it! Obviously if we get on he will have to know eventually but at this very early stage it's not something I felt the need to talk about. Should I bring it up soon so I don't waste either of our time if it's a dealbreaker for him or wait and mention it when we meet as I'd planned?

I think you are exactly what is wrong with online dating, thinking only about yourself and lying by omission.

I’m in a similar unusual/complicated situation and I say, my dc are at boarding school. Then if I only see someone a few times and it doesn’t work out, I haven’t had to tell them the whole personal story.

@Gettingthereslowly2020 not foster care no. Definitely not a traditional set up though. I've only dated one person since splitting with their dad 8yrs ago so it's not something I'm very familiar and comfortable with talking about with new people.

Agree with others, if I was in his shoes after a month I'd feel annoyed you hadn't said it sooner.

I met my DP online and spoke nearly a month before meeting. Had he said he had children on our first date, I'd have felt quite shocked.

Ok on your online dating profile there’s normally a question or bit that says do you have kids? If you answered yes then he should be aware if you’ve answered no then it’s wrong. I’m online dating and I’ve put on my profile I won’t date anyone with kids so it only shows me people without kids. If someone lied and said they didn’t and then said they did I wouldn’t talk to them again. It’s nasty and deceiving lying like that.

You need to tell him and before the date. Ideally the next time you speak with him. I have 2 dc's, now grown, and i would not want to date a man with children under the age of 18. I would feel extremely mislead if i were in his position now. If he calls it off he calls it off. You will have to respect that. He has been open from the start.

Even if it won't affect your dating or potential life together, I'd say that if you don't mention you have children near the beginning, that would come across oddly to anyone; as if you might have an unpleasant secret or have major trust issues. Not that you have to be an open book, but "I have older children but they don't live with me" at least, then if they ask more you could just say you'd rather not talk about the kids until you've met IRL. They'd just assume you were being private.

[quote melononapear]@Gettingthereslowly2020 not foster care no. Definitely not a traditional set up though. I've only dated one person since splitting with their dad 8yrs ago so it's not something I'm very familiar and comfortable with talking about with new people. [/quote]
I think telling him over the phone would be a good idea. You could just say that you have two teenagers with health issues that don't live with you. You can drop it into conversation and keep it light and positive.

That makes sense, like I say it has never been my intention to hide things or deceive anyone. Phone call is a good compromise I think, I'd be happy to talk about it over the phone.

In normal circumstances I wouldn't have talked with someone for a month without meeting them and in other cases I've always mentioned it very quickly. I don't lie, it always says on my profiles that I have kids. I actually didn't realise we had been talking so long which is what's prompted me to think it might be time to bring it up.

This is very deceitful. It should be in your profile!

I still don’t get your logic about them not living with you so you don’t have to tell, does that mean a NRP shouldn’t have to tell people they have kids if they don’t live with them? Now you are saying it is on your profile? Which one is it?

It is on my profile, it always has been.

This makes no sense. So he knows or doesn’t know you have children?

So now you are saying he does know? If it’s on your profile then he does know so that contradicts your op? Tbh when I was old I found a lot of men openly put on their profiles that they didn’t want to date women with kids so I think the fact that he said he wanted someone the same probably does mean that he doesn’t want to date someone with kids but the only way to find out is to actually speak to him about it

It's on my profile so I'm not hiding the fact. He didn't specifically say that he did or didn't want to date someone with kids and it wasn't really obvious from his profile.

I always read the profiles but not everyone does so I'm not sure if he does know but the information is there. Neither of us have brought it up yet so maybe he does know and it just isn't a big deal for him or maybe he hasn't read or didn't see that bit and it could potentially be an issue.

Either way I think I should have a phone call with him and then I can clarify and figure out if it's an issue.

I'm confused! So does he know about the kids or not? Surely he has viewed your profile, so he would know? So what's the point of the thread then?

If it’s on your profile, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s his fault if he can’t be bothered to read it.

It is weird in the extreme to be chatting with someone for a month, without mentioning you have kids. And extremely disingenuous.
Sorry, but it's true.

And of course it was your bloody intention to hide it from him!
You're unbelievable!

By choosing never to bring them up in conversation.

@eatsleepread

And of course it was your bloody intention to hide it from him! You're unbelievable!

It's on her profile.

But that does mind of make this whole thread redundant.

*kind

I don’t believe it’s on the profile, I think the op wasn’t expecting these comments so has changed it to “it’s on my profile” which is completely different to what was said in the op, as if it was on her profile what’s the point of the post? In her op it’s clear she intended to deliberately not tell him now all of a sudden he does know because it’s on her profile but she’s not sure if he’s read it 🤦‍♀️

On her profile, yes, but probably one of those standard yes/no questions you complete, rather than the OP waxing lyrical about them on her bio.
The fact that she hasn't brought them up in the chat completely negates the above anyway.

Sorry, that was to @JustAVerySmallVoice