When should I bring up kids? Am I overthinking this?

[melononapear]

I've been talking to a guy a met on OLD for about a month. We've not met yet but probably will be soon when restrictions lift. I'm starting to really like him, we have are on the same page with a lot of things, lots of common interests etc.

His profile was quite short but in it he mentions that he doesn't have kids and then some other stuff, phrased like:

I don't have any kids *etc etc I'm X kind of person and I'm looking for someone the same'. I'm just getting a bit worried because I understood this to mean 'I'm X kind of person and I'm looking for someone the same' but I'm not sure if he is also referring to the 'I don't have any kids and I want someone the same'. We haven't discussed kids or anything similar.

Thing is, I do have kids. I don't want to date someone with kids and I don't want any more in the future but my situation with them is quite complicated due to one of my dc's being severely disabled so I feel more comfortable discussing it in person. I'm just worried that the more time goes on he'll be upset to find out about them and feel like I've wasted his time if he doesn't want to be involved with someone with kids.

I've not explained myself very well but I'm getting more and more nervous about it! Obviously if we get on he will have to know eventually but at this very early stage it's not something I felt the need to talk about. Should I bring it up soon so I don't waste either of our time if it's a dealbreaker for him or wait and mention it when we meet as I'd planned?

It is on my profile. Many, many people do not read the profiles and I don't know, to what extent he has, if at all.

I never said anywhere in my post that I deliberately intended to not tell him until now, in fact I've actually said the opposite several times.

It's a pet hate of my when people go on about their kids on dating profiles or when you've only just met.

There are many, many other things to talk about, especially if you don't know if this person is going to be a long term prospect. The particularly sensitive and awkward nature of my specific circumstances make me even less likely to bring it up with someone I don't know.

As I said, I will have a conversation with him and clear it all up either way. No harm done 😊

It is strange as personally my children are my world. My eldest has moved out now but, i cannot imagine communicating with anyone for a month and not discussing either of my children with them. Even if it was only to say that i had just spoken to,or was meeting up with DC1 for a socially distanced walk and giving him a lasagne i had made him, for his dinner that night. Small talk about my life, of which my children are central , then work.

I cannot ever imagine a scenario, where i would be more concerned about the reaction of a man i had met online above that of the love i have for my children. I appreciate you have a complex situation with yr children OP ,but i am sure you love them and are proud of them.

The fact that you have mislead not talked about yr DC, suggests that you feel that the circumstances specific to your situation may put your suitor off. The issue here really revolves around you and the situation with your children and maybe even how you think people will view you?

You have posted here and you are nervous as you clearly know you should have been open from the start. You, in all likelihood , now feel that when you come clean the relationship may possibly end. I hope the call goes well but pls do not allow this continue and wait for the face to face meeting, in hope that seeing you may make him more mailable. It is not fair on him.

Personally, and i/we do not know all the facts but , i would like to think that you are putting as much consideration and thought into your children, as you are this OLD match.

If i had been speaking to some one for over a month and they never once mentioned their children, and then said this, i would end it there and then. Not because of the circumstances regarding the children but because they lied and hid their own children in order to facilitate a relationship with me. Anyone who is not invested enough in their children and proud to tell me about their children , is not worth my time or my affection or any place in my family.

"No harm done "

Well,that is for him to decide and not you.

@KatherineofOregon

Very well said.

OP, it sounds to me like you have been able to sweep them under the carpet (at least in relation to this man) because they don't live with you. But they must surely still be in your thoughts, and a sufficiently large part of your life to warrant mentioning them in conversation.
Previous poster was right, in that you have been more concerned that he's not put off you by having them.

Honestly, your post has absolutely blown my mind.

You may well be wasting your time if you don't tell him.

I too have a severely disabled child.

I'd just send him a message saying "I'm not sure if you read my profile but I thought I should mention that I have children"
The end. You don't need to explain that they don't live with you or that one is disabled- that can be done in person.

When I dated I made it clear I had children but I would not explain about my daughters disability until in person, usually a few dates in.

"When I dated I made it clear I had children but I would not explain about my daughters disability until in person, usually a few dates in".

I personally feel that this is something that should be mentioned at outset/ first /initial conversation stage or even in fact profile.

Leaving it a "few dates in" or a month in, is misleading. To say , i have x children, one of whom is disabled, from the outset and on profile is fine. You will then match with others with shared experience.

If people are worried about disclosing this and purposely withholding this fact, in order to attract dates first , with a view to be discussed later, is misleading.

This is exactly why i do not touch OLD with a barge pole!

If i met someone and knew from the off they had a disabled child , i would research and try to understand first what is involved. Armed with that knowledge i can then decide to continue in the initial stages and fall in love with that person, or not , and leave.

Withholding key information like this from the outset , has all the hallmarks of manipulation.

Wow my child has autism and there is no way I would mention that on a dating profile! Not mentioning you have children is wrong but no you don’t need to mention personal things about them! Wtf

"Wow my child has autism and there is no way I would mention that on a dating profile! Not mentioning you have children is wrong but no you don’t need to mention personal things about them! Wtf"

Agreed . If you are looking for casual and disposable relationships with no family involvement or longevity , fine.

If you are OLD and matching with others who are looking for longer term/lasting relationships then yes, you need to he upfront from day one and at the start. Not wait a few dates in or leave a whole month. Waste of peoples time if that is not what they want.

I agree with telling people that you get speaking to but writing it on your profile? I mean come on 😂😂 I wouldn’t as an adult list my personal medical information on my profile.

"@Happycat1212 Wow my child has autism and there is no way I would mention that on a dating profile! Not mentioning you have children is wrong but no you don’t need to mention personal things about them! Wtf"

No, you don't disclose your full medical history. You are being pedantic. But, if you are looking to form a relationship with someone , you do need to make it clear , from the very start,that you have a child with additional needs. You should be proud to put that on yr profile. That is your child, whom you love and are proud of. That child is who you are.

You are inviting someone to form a potential relationship with you.. but you also come with a child who has specific needs. It should be clear what your family needs are. Be honest from the start and match with the right men from day dot. Look to match with someone who respects your family dynamic.

If you are looking for a man life partner, you need one who is aware of yr child's specific needs from the off, not withhold details for the sake of a date or a few socially distanced txts or a bunk up in the park!

I’m going to go against the grain here.

OP has not lied. She just had not mentioned she had a child. It has only been for 4 weeks and no meet up in person?

If your kids don’t live with you I definitely would not discuss that over a message it’s not appropriate OP.

You don't have to 'go on about it' but you could have said ' I see you haven't got kids ? I've got two '.

So would you expect an adult to list their disabilities or health conditions on their profile? Or just there children’s 🤔 it’s not about being proud/not being, it’s personal and I wouldn’t give any personal / private information about my child on a dating profile.

I have never seen any adult write any of their medical information on their profile, for example someone that suffers from a mental health condition would you expect them to list that on their profile?

Are the children likely to come back to live with you?
If you only explain to people you trust, do you trust him enough?

"@Happycat1212 So would you expect an adult to list their disabilities or health conditions on their profile? "

Yes i would. That would determine who i want to get into a relationship with.

I would not be giving any details of my child’s medical info online. Saying you have a child is one thing. Mentioning their specific medical condition (ie autism epilepsy etc) or needs is something entirely different. I think it leaves you vulnerable to the many predators that lurk online.

[quote KatherineofOregon]"@Happycat1212 So would you expect an adult to list their disabilities or health conditions on their profile? "

Yes i would. That would determine who i want to get into a relationship with. [/quote]
Thank god I’m not looking for someone like you online dating.

I have 2 health conditions and I’m certainly not putting them in my profile. If a guy walks away after I tell him while dating then he’s the shallow one and that’s on him . The whole world doesn’t need to know about your health. Kids on the other hand you do.

Glad it’s not just me that thinks it’s odd, imagine having to list yours or your child’s medical information on an online dating profile! Mad, literally no one does that. It’s nothing to do with not being “proud” either, I don’t mention my daughters autism to every single person I meet, I only mention it if relevant or someone needs to know because I don’t think it defines her and I certainly wouldn’t mention it on a dating profile. I don’t think OLD is for you KatherineofOregon you won’t find any adults listing their medical conditions on their profile, you won’t even get that irl on the first day you meet someone, it will usually be brought up as you get to know someone and that’s completely different from stating you have a child 😕

"I don’t think OLD is for you KatherineofOregon "

No, me neither thats why i have never joined any OLD sites or ever will.

Mentioning major health difficulties is different to mentioning your kids.

I remember reporting one guy on Plenty of Fish. He had put down his job as 'doctor of children with autism'.
These particular 'credentials' had alarm bells ringing for me, because he could barely string a sentence together, and such a role doesn't exist. He was trying to target vulnerable women and children.
A friend of my mum's is disabled. She stated this on her profile, and all sorts of weirdos came out the woodwork.
It's a fine line, isn't it? You want to be honest, but have to protect yourself/your children.

That said, I would be upset if after chatting to a guy, I discovered that not only did he have kids, but he had kids who were disabled. I'm really sorry, I know that sounds bad. I work with children with special needs, and I adore them. I work hard every day to ensure they're happy and safe at school. One child I work with has Down's, and is extremely challenging. I'm incredibly fond of this child, but would I want him/her entangled in my personal life or relationship? No way.

Certainly wouldn't be mentioning any medical issues, but that's very different to not mentioning having kids at all.

I now think you've kinda made it a bigger deal than it would've been if you'd just slipped it into general conversation. Now it's more of an announcement and a full on conversation rather than a basic 'I have 2 kids.'

He probably knows from your profile but would rather meet you, see if he likes you etc before talking about your children. I think you are over thinking things.