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Relationships

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Original poster

DP's friendship with older woman

72 replies

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 00:52

I'm 39, DP (well, now ex) is 33.

Around 6 months ago a woman aged 51 got in touch with him to offer her friendship. She works for his dad's company and apparently his dad had told her my DP didn't have many friends in the city we live in and was worried he was suffering from depression.

She started to invite him out for coffee, weekly walks or to go to her house for Sunday dinner. Occasionally, her daughters were there but mostly not. She also asked him regularly to do odd jobs for her which he obliged. Apparently, she knows all about me and he talks about me to her (including details of our relationship which I think are private) yet not once have I been invited along. I have never met her.

About 6 weeks into this 'friendship' it emerged that she is in the process of going through a divorce. I just found the whole thing totally inappropriate and disrespectful to me even though he assures me he doesn't fancy her and doesn't know why I have a problem with it. It made me so angry but he continued to see her anyway. He never agreed to go on a walk when I asked him as said he couldn't be bothered. She is also attractive and I admit this made me insecure. I also to my shame admit to checking their messages on his phone but nothing incriminating except for XXX after all her messages. He didn't reciprocate with that.

The last straw came a few days ago. He knew Wednesday was my day off and I wanted us to spend the day together. Yet, he messaged her to ask her if she wanted to do something as said his dad would be annoyed if he didn't make more of an effort with her as he had been the one to suggest the friendship. She wrote back to my DP and asked if he wanted a walk and then dinner and he just agreed without even talking to me. I lost the plot at this stage and he said he didn't care and if I didn't like it I knew where the door was. I packed up my stuff and left.

My question is do you think I was justified in not putting up with this or have I let the green-eyed monster get the better of me? I have been to pick up the rest of my things since then and he did meet her in the end and I suspect one more time after that. I can't stop thinking about them together but wonder if I was just being crazy trying to stop the friendship, weird as I believe it is. Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Maria53 · 26/03/2021 00:57

This whole situation sounds bizarre. First off, it essentially sounds like he is going on dates with another woman and thinks this is ok.

Secondly, this father asked his daughter to befriend your husband worrying about his welfare...knowing he has a wife? Is he trying to engineer a set up knowing full well he has a wife? All 3 of them sound like they dont know how to behave.

Is your husband depressed? Clearly something is going on with him. The way he spoke to you speaks volumes too.

WisnaeMe · 26/03/2021 00:59

YANBU

it's a bizarre situation and you're better off out of it 🌺

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 01:06

Thank you for the responses so far. Just to clarify- we aren't married but he is/was my DP for 2 years. Also, it was his dad who employs her who apparently asked her to check in on my DP. Yes, he does suffer from depression and I obviously wouldn't care about (and be happy about) him making more friends as he doesn't have many but it was just the whole way this played out that I find ridiculous. It made me so angry. I'm lying here and can't sleep thinking about it but I'm also very sad as I do really love him.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 26/03/2021 01:07

you are definitely not being unreasonable.
it is unacceptable of him.
move on please.

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 01:09

When I picked up my things he just went on about how he still loves me but didn't want us to be together anymore as he couldn't cope with the arguments. And he said, "you even had a problem with [insert name of this woman] for some reason". Yes, I did and was never listened to!!!

OP posts:

Maria53 · 26/03/2021 01:10

Sorry, it is so hard when you love them. With that clarification, I think you should move on.

The fact you have never met and they have never included you is a red flag as well. A male friend of mine made a new friend ad they share a hobby and he goes to meet her with his wife generally.

WisnaeMe · 26/03/2021 01:13

He's putting ALL the blame on You .. isn't he a doll 🤔

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 01:16

@Maria53 thank you. I do but it's really hard. I honestly don't think I would have minded as much if I had met her or been invited on at least some of these 'dates' as I saw them. He's trying to make out to me that I'm being ridiculous because she's just being a friend and looking after him making him dinners etc. Could it really be that she only see him as a son-like figure? Just strange all round to me.

OP posts:

Maria53 · 26/03/2021 01:22

He chose to not be transparent with you and actively harmed the relationship. As you say, things might have been different if you had met her.

I don't know about a son figure. Given she is going through a divorce, is it not likely she is trying to fill that space in some way? Cooking the Sunday dinners for him etc.

Anyway - you know you aren't being ridiculous. He sounds emotionally immature. Hope you feel better soon.

timeisnotaline · 26/03/2021 01:23

You did the right thing. He really said I don’t care about you, so can’t see where else the relationship could go

Giantrooster · 26/03/2021 01:29

She probably started out doing a charity case on your dp. But HIM confiding personal things about your relationship, ignoring you in her favor and them having dinners without you is him crossing a line.

It's a strange situation, his df seeking older friends for his ds, your dp having no boundaries towards her. Seems both he and his df are thinking you (and your feelings) are not to be reckoned with.

Don't believe the it's your fault for arguing, he is justifying his actions. Find your anger about being treated badly. And next time don't team up with someone whose dad hooks him up. What a wet lettuce .

Onthedunes · 26/03/2021 01:37

Has this woman got money?

Sounds mercenery, the father the partner, why would his dad encourage this, sounds like bullshit to me unless there's money involved .

True to type, knight in shining amour, saves poor monied up divorcing woman. Your partner is a creep, don't let his vulgar behaviour make you trust your judgement about this, he's a shit.
The ow also knows exactly what she's doing.
She may have even booted the ex out as she now feels all strong and invincible with your partner at her side.

Onthedunes · 26/03/2021 01:49

By the way how old are her daughters, could he be interested in them?

SilverBirchWithout · 26/03/2021 01:50

How was your relationship before this woman came on to the scene? Did you meet and get on well with his DF?
I can’t help wondering whether DF was concerned about your relationship in someway and felt having someone to talk your DP would be helpful.
There is a bit of an age gap (albeit small) between you and your Ex, did this cause any issues at all?
I don’t feel we have enough info to really judge what was going on, tbh if your DP was depressed maybe he needed a friend to talk to and this older woman was more like a mother figure. Is his own DM still around?

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 01:51

@Onthedunes thank you. It would be hard to explain without being too outing but yes, she does have money but so does my DP's father so I can't imagine that would be the motivation. But what do I know as I just don't understand the whole thing at all.

I just remembered as well that a few weeks ago it was coming up to Mother's Day and he said about getting his DM flowers. He then said that he must also remember to get this woman flowers (not in relation to Mother's Day as this was a bit before it) to thank her for all the dinners. He hasn't fucking bought me flowers in over a year!! He never did actually get round to getting her the flowers in the end but I was really upset that even the intention was there.

OP posts:

MsDogLady · 26/03/2021 01:54

Lajumelle, you are not overreacting. You have been disrespected and devalued. It sounds like your Partner and this OW are in Emotional Affair territory.

He has prioritized her by investing his emotional energy, time and attention while dismissing your feelings/boundaries and excluding you. They are building intimacy by sharing 1:1 experiences and confiding in each other. He is enjoying the ego massages this attractive woman provides.

You absolutely made the correct decision in walking away. You deserve better than this selfish, weak-boundaried loser.

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 01:55

@SilverBirchWithoutdo get on with his DF although haven't seen him in ages. You're right he could possibly have wanted him to have more friends but this is during a lockdown and was breaking the rules anyway, although I admit that wasn't my concern about why I was uneasy with it.

His DM is still around although he had a very bad childhood with all her issues. She just isn't a very nice person although she does appear to be trying to make amends for it in recently albeit with actually apologising.

OP posts:

Marineboy67 · 26/03/2021 01:57

You were right to leave, he put his needs and wants before your relationship together.
The fact he called your bluff saying "you know where the door us" is an illustration of how little he really cared for you.
Keep running and don't look back.

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 02:00

@MsDogLady thanks so much. I never even really thought about it being an emotional affair but it does certainly appear to be that. Whilst I'm fairly sure nothing physical actually happened between them I hated that he was going out with another woman and doing things with her that didn't interest him if I suggested them eg he hates walks. I wonder what her DH would have thought about this 'friendship' if they weren't going through a divorce. I bet he wouldn't like it either!

It's quite possible the woman is just trying to mother him a bit but it seems to me that he was gearing up to take things further if the opportunity arose. I don't even know what her intentions were/are as I never met her. That might have out my mind at ease.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 02:02

@Onthedunes the daughters are 21 and 23 so possibly. He went out with an older lady (over 10 year age gap) in his 20s and wouldn't stop harping on about it at one stage so I do think there's more to it than him just viewing this new woman as a friend. As I say she is attractive from her photos.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 26/03/2021 02:03

I wouldn't let her age put you off thinking this is innocent.
If she has money, she will have confidence, she sounds dreadful if she knows you exist as his partner.

She is a predator.
Your partner probably admires her in some way, personally I can't stand women who do this, knab someone elses partner to boost their confidence whist splitting up from previous partner.

You have my sympathy

Onthedunes · 26/03/2021 02:07

I bet his dad has nothing to do with this aswell.

alexdgr8 · 26/03/2021 02:09

so what were you supposed to do while she was cooking him nice dinners ? open a lonely pot noodle ?
she knew he had a live-in partner, yet thought nothing of this strange behaviour, akin to alienating his affections.
she is old enough to know better, esp having grown-up daughters.
how wold she feel if her daughter had a partner who treated her like this.
for whatever reason, your partner did not want to continue the relationship with you, so he started behaving as if he did not have a partner. he was behaving as if you were just flatmates.
real partners want to be together, do things together, put each other first, support, encourage, confide in each other.
you are better out of that situation.
don't get eaten up with blame. just move on. good luck.

Onthedunes · 26/03/2021 02:23

I would also say women like this usually separate or file for divorce when they have lined up the next option, so they could have been friends for longer than you think.

Sorry if I sound so cynical but I've seen so many of these scenarios.
For the partner there are usually so many convincing excuses......

She's too old
She's a customer
She's a friend of such and such
She's a work colleague
She's just upset because she's divorcing/separating.
She's going through a bereavement.

So many excuses.
His response to you and your concern is the only thing you should believe and that was pretty shit.

Dump him and find someone with integrity.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/03/2021 02:29

Good riddance to this fuckwit.

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