DP's friendship with older woman

[Lajumelle1]

I'm 39, DP (well, now ex) is 33.

Around 6 months ago a woman aged 51 got in touch with him to offer her friendship. She works for his dad's company and apparently his dad had told her my DP didn't have many friends in the city we live in and was worried he was suffering from depression.

She started to invite him out for coffee, weekly walks or to go to her house for Sunday dinner. Occasionally, her daughters were there but mostly not. She also asked him regularly to do odd jobs for her which he obliged. Apparently, she knows all about me and he talks about me to her (including details of our relationship which I think are private) yet not once have I been invited along. I have never met her.

About 6 weeks into this 'friendship' it emerged that she is in the process of going through a divorce. I just found the whole thing totally inappropriate and disrespectful to me even though he assures me he doesn't fancy her and doesn't know why I have a problem with it. It made me so angry but he continued to see her anyway. He never agreed to go on a walk when I asked him as said he couldn't be bothered. She is also attractive and I admit this made me insecure. I also to my shame admit to checking their messages on his phone but nothing incriminating except for XXX after all her messages. He didn't reciprocate with that.

The last straw came a few days ago. He knew Wednesday was my day off and I wanted us to spend the day together. Yet, he messaged her to ask her if she wanted to do something as said his dad would be annoyed if he didn't make more of an effort with her as he had been the one to suggest the friendship. She wrote back to my DP and asked if he wanted a walk and then dinner and he just agreed without even talking to me. I lost the plot at this stage and he said he didn't care and if I didn't like it I knew where the door was. I packed up my stuff and left.

My question is do you think I was justified in not putting up with this or have I let the green-eyed monster get the better of me? I have been to pick up the rest of my things since then and he did meet her in the end and I suspect one more time after that. I can't stop thinking about them together but wonder if I was just being crazy trying to stop the friendship, weird as I believe it is. Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Your partner obviously likes women who are older than him. That way he will always be a youngster.

It seems bizarre that his father would ask someone to contact and befriend his adult son, especially an attractive women, when he knows his son has you and it takes time to make friends in a new area. It's almost like 'setting him up' and is rather a snub to you. You say you get on with his dad but does the dad really like you?

How much older is this woman? It sounds as though your man is using her as a therapist and the fact that she is so compliant makes me think she has ulterior motives. In a 'normal' friendship, with nothing to hide, she would want to meet and befriend you too; it appears she virtually ignores your existence.

It is not a healthy relationship with this woman, she'll soon be giving him a motherly cuddle in bed. However your relationship doesn't seem too healthy either.

You have to work out for yourself if you want to commit to this man-child or run for the hills while your self respect is still intact. You're worth much more.

"He went out with an older lady (over 10 year age gap) in his 20s and wouldn't stop harping on about it at one stage so I do think there's more to it "

He has a history of "enjoying" older women
You are an older woman than him
He is hanging out with an older woman you say is attractive.

Pretty obvious this is not all above board

He doesn't respect you - you need to leave.

PS: I did read the whole thread but just re-read the opening post and see that you have ended the relationship (also noted the woman is 51). He is now your ex. Good, keep it up; learn from the experience but try not to dwell on it, it's over.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone. Maybe he is looking for a mother figure type girlfriend and she is looking for a surrogate husband. I doubt she would actually be interested in my DP long-term but he is male company and somebody to have around for now.

I wish I hadn't let my boundaries be trampled over for so long but he kept saying I was the unreasonable one and was wrong to disapprove of the friendship. Also, I loved him and I still do so it's going to take me a good while to get over it. Also I am soooooo angry with him and need to find a way to let it go. Maybe a bit of Headspace is in order. I can't believe in the end up in let him say he didn't want to continue things with me. Fuck him!!! See, that's what I mean about the anger.

As somebody else asked, yes I heard every excuse under the sun as to why he was right and I was wrong:-

-As if I'd be interested in someone her age
-I've known her for years through DF and she's a family friend -yes, knew of her, didn't have a friendship with her. Also, she isn't a family friend and I know this.
-She is just trying to help me
-I can't invite you to somebody else's house for dinner

Etc, etc, etc

She's welcome to him!!! Grrrrrr!

Is it his house? Do you have family who can support you.?

It does all sound very familiar.
If you had not left he probably would have started creating arguments to get out of the house more often, or storming out staying elsewhere and stating he's doing it to stop arguments.
You can't win when they have to be elsewhere.

You are well rid.
Find someone who is not an ambitious sycophantic pig.

"I doubt she would actually be interested in my DP long-term but he is male company and somebody to have around for now."

You've never met this person & you seem to be interested in your DP long term - so why wouldn't somebody else?

Also she may not even know about you or much at all, if your DP is downplaying your relationship, or lying by omission about your existence.

Has your Ex's Father engineered this break up OP 🤔

@Onthedunes I'm fine in that respect thanks as I have my house and he has his although I was spending most of my time at his in recent months.

You're right about the arguments things except he knows exactly how to rile me up enough so that I leave. He actually sits there smirking sometimes whilst I'm upset and knows this will push me over the edge.

All he had to do the other day when I was annoyed about him making plans on our day off was message her and tell her he had plans with his actual girlfriend and had forgotten. But, oh no!!

@gutful fair point actually. I suppose I just wonder what a 51 year old could see in someone his age but I suppose that's being niave.

@WisnaeMe could be although he has always seemed to like me. Thinking about it I don't even know how she first got my DP's phone number. Maybe added him on Facebook. There was some excuse at the time but can't remember as wasn't as concerned to begin with until I realised I was never going to be invited along.

But you fought all the time?
So he gravitated towards her and the friendship
He's a grown man with choices he is not owned he is his own person
He's out and about enjoying life
Your looking through his phone-- mental!

@relaxingforme who said we fought all the time? We had repeated arguments about him prioritising this woman over me. Also, even if a couple are having problems in their relationship does that give one partner free reign to 'gravitate' towards another person in an inappropriate way?

@relaxingforme

Are you the cougar monopolising op's partner?
Or the partner with a key logger downloaded on op's computor?

Take no notice op.

" I suppose I just wonder what a 51 year old could see in someone his age but I suppose that's being naive"

So which is it? Is the relationship inappropriate or is it not?

Yes you're naive/ignorant etc.

Of course older people find younger people attractive & vice versa.

@Onthedunes thank you!! Maybe it is her!!

@gutful

" I suppose I just wonder what a 51 year old could see in someone his age but I suppose that's being naive"

So which is it? Is the relationship inappropriate or is it not?

Yes you're naive/ignorant etc.

Of course older people find younger people attractive & vice versa.

Think 'sex'. Older women often have affairs with much younger men and the young men get points for pulling an attractive older woman. This one is probably grooming the op's ex.

Lajumelle, he has been acting like a single man and lapping up OW’s attention (and vice versa). He manufactured all the lame excuses and accusations of you being unreasonable to create emotional distance and justify his disloyalty.

Devoting his day off to OW instead of you says it all and shows where his allegiance lies.

Your anger will help you move through the grieving process. When he slithers back, tell him you’re not interested.

To the person saying that people this age usually have someone lined up before splitting up with their husbands. That isn't true for me and friends that I know. Women our age leave their husbands because they find them intolerable and the kids are older now and it isn't as hard to leave.

The whole thing sounds odd op and it sounds like he has a thing for older women. But even if he was going out with his male friend, to make plans with a friend when he has already made plans with you isn't right.

I find the age gap yuck but I know lots of people don't mind such large age gaps.

Sounds like you are well rid , but I would highly doubt that your exs father set this up in anyway. Sounds like just another excuse.

I think the key question is would you habe reacted this way if she was a man. What strikes me is it was only six weeks of him being friendly with her before you kicked off.

It does sound like he gave you the big “fuck you I’ll do what I want”. But in reality I habe to be honest, if my husband kicked off that I had a male friend and told me not to see him I’d do the exact same thing. I’d be all “no way are you dictating my friends and you can fuck off if you don’t like it”.

The relationship has run its course. You don’t trust him. And he’s ended it and was not prioritising you.

Whether they are just friends or there is more to it, time will tell. Right now you don’t know, and neither does any random on here. They could just be friends and not remotely physically attracted to each other, or they could be ripping each other’s clothes off as we speak. You’ll know soon enough because either they will become a couple or he will meet someone else.

You've done the right thing, OP.

The issue isn't whether he fancied her or not, the issue is that he had a close female friend he never introduced you to, and prioritised time with her over you. That is unacceptable and no friendship should happen in total exclusion of a partner. It's just weird to want to spend so much time with someone and not introduce your partner to them.

He has been very disrespectful and I suspect he never thought you'd actually leave. Or would beg for him to take you back. I know you love him, but don't go back to him. He should have loved and cared for you enough to not place you in this anxiety inducing drama that was completely unnecessary. He's selfish and only focused on what he wants, and if not this woman, there would be some other issue, he refused to compromise on.

I know you're angry, but soon you'll be sad and miss him. Mourn the loss of the relationship but take strength from standing up for yourself and exerting your boundaries. You deserve to be with someone who puts your needs first and can find compromises rather than shut you down. He's shown you he isn't that man. Better now than after a decade and marriage.

Do not go back as the damage is done and you'll only show him that he can carry on with this shitty behaviour with no consequences. Every time you falter, think about how hurt and humiliated you felt when he chose to spend a day off with her, excluding you!!

I would not have a problem with the friendship, but it is the lies and the disregard for you, I would have expected an invite to the dinner etc

Wow, you are right to be thinking wtf
Im 50 and i know a man of 40 ish seems like a grown man to me, the idea of wanting to mother a grown man when she has kids is ludicrous.
He values her. Flowers etc
But not you. She gets flowers. You get to witness him dating before your eyes. V dosrespectful!!

How are you absolutely sure it was his father’s idea? Because he said so?

Use the poor treatment of you as impetus to help you move on and not allow this disrespectful man to take up anymore of your mind space.

Anger hurts you, not them. This woman may have been told false things about you and the legitimacy of your relationship for all you know.

Do some lovely things for yourself in the coming days.

Older women with younger men sometimes have an agenda (could be from the innocuous to the not so), and he may not like all of the plans she has for him. I wouldn’t naturally assume he’s having a grand old time. You could make your own time as grand as you like!

You’ve done the right thing. He was out of order totally and loving the attention of two women.