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Original poster

DP's friendship with older woman

72 replies

Lajumelle1 · 26/03/2021 00:52

I'm 39, DP (well, now ex) is 33.

Around 6 months ago a woman aged 51 got in touch with him to offer her friendship. She works for his dad's company and apparently his dad had told her my DP didn't have many friends in the city we live in and was worried he was suffering from depression.

She started to invite him out for coffee, weekly walks or to go to her house for Sunday dinner. Occasionally, her daughters were there but mostly not. She also asked him regularly to do odd jobs for her which he obliged. Apparently, she knows all about me and he talks about me to her (including details of our relationship which I think are private) yet not once have I been invited along. I have never met her.

About 6 weeks into this 'friendship' it emerged that she is in the process of going through a divorce. I just found the whole thing totally inappropriate and disrespectful to me even though he assures me he doesn't fancy her and doesn't know why I have a problem with it. It made me so angry but he continued to see her anyway. He never agreed to go on a walk when I asked him as said he couldn't be bothered. She is also attractive and I admit this made me insecure. I also to my shame admit to checking their messages on his phone but nothing incriminating except for XXX after all her messages. He didn't reciprocate with that.

The last straw came a few days ago. He knew Wednesday was my day off and I wanted us to spend the day together. Yet, he messaged her to ask her if she wanted to do something as said his dad would be annoyed if he didn't make more of an effort with her as he had been the one to suggest the friendship. She wrote back to my DP and asked if he wanted a walk and then dinner and he just agreed without even talking to me. I lost the plot at this stage and he said he didn't care and if I didn't like it I knew where the door was. I packed up my stuff and left.

My question is do you think I was justified in not putting up with this or have I let the green-eyed monster get the better of me? I have been to pick up the rest of my things since then and he did meet her in the end and I suspect one more time after that. I can't stop thinking about them together but wonder if I was just being crazy trying to stop the friendship, weird as I believe it is. Opinions would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 26/03/2021 07:12

What he is doing is so bizarre. Okay it's nice to have a friend to meet up with once a week. Did he want to spend all of his spare time (e.g. days off and evenings) with her? I'm trying to understand If they just met once a week, or far more.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/03/2021 07:15

Sorry, I think this is all bullshit on his part.
I can't imagine my DH suggesting our adult sons pal up with a woman in her 50's, why would the father even think of this. It doesn't ring true.
In the extremely unlikely event that it was true, why would you not be invited along on walks, for meals etc? Why wouldn't he want you to meet, or take notice of your misgivings?
There's another agenda here.
You've done the right thing by leaving, he's not fully committed to your relationship, and you deserve better.

jessstan2 · 26/03/2021 08:34

PassionForFashion Fri 26-Mar-21 06:43:37
How are you absolutely sure it was his father’s idea? Because he said so?
......
That's a point I hadn't thought of. The op could ask his father a few questions, I think I would in her position - however, boyfriend is now an ex so not much point..

Without going back to re-read the opening post, I thought she said ex was 33 in which case the woman is 17 years older; quite a lot.

It seems seriously dodgy but who knows?

LavenderLollies · 26/03/2021 08:50

Yeah, that’s all very bizarre.

I have male friends (I’m female) of different ages and two of my closest friends in the world are guys in their forties (when we met, now fifties). Met them via volunteering and just hit it off as friends. Been friends a decade and never a hint of anything romantic from either side. I consider them family.

But in both cases partners and families were included at the earliest opportunity. The former I got to know his wife well when I’d pick him up for work stuff and have become an auntie figure to their child over the years, they are both uncles to mine. The latter as soon as it seemed appropriate we met up for dinner with partners or invited them along for coffee and so forth. Nobody in either of those friendships has ever had an issue with it and it’s all been very transparent and above board.

But I think it’s very strange she hasn’t once said ‘seeing as we’re such good friends i’d love to get to know your other half’ or that he hasn’t ever suggested bringing you along to meet such a good friend. It’s not that you have to attend every hangout by default but the knowledge you’re always welcome if that makes sense. So no, I wouldn’t be okay with this. There’s a natural progression with nearly all friendships where if you become very close you start to include family and partners to some extent, and one that’s so close they’re frequently going for dinner together and for walks and so forth should surely include you unless you’re being deliberately shut out.

Bin him.

Geppili · 26/03/2021 21:53

@gutful fair point actually. I suppose I just wonder what a 51 year old could see in someone his age but I suppose that's being niave.

I think she sees your DP as the son of her powerful and monied boss.

Geppili · 26/03/2021 21:54

I also suspect the story of it being his father's idea.

Geppili · 26/03/2021 21:55

Or else he is in deep thrall to his Father.

WiseOwlOne · 27/03/2021 09:49

Yeh, nobody embarks on any kind of relationship (emotional or physical) because their parent is upselling the idea to them!

I reckon he is killing time with you @Lajumelle1 and enjoying her company/being admired with the "safety" of having a relationship so he can enjoy her in whatever way she is available to him without him owing her anything..... cos he has a girlfriend.

meanwhilebacktobasics · 27/03/2021 10:24

Hope you keep your resolve to leave them to it. It's odd behaviour. Sounds like you would always worry that it's on the cusp of becoming more than friends ( if it isnt already).Otherwise you have a life of watching and wondering. You deserve someone who you can trust. Be thankful that you're getting out instead of finding out years down the line with marriage and children in the mix.

HappydaysArehere · 27/03/2021 10:29

If she really wanted to befriend him she would be including you in the invites and communicating with you as well. This is very odd and I would have packed my bags as well.

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 27/03/2021 10:47

Thank you everyone. I keep trying to forget about it and move on and get out of my head. It's difficult when you're used to messaging and being with somebody most of the time to going no contact. I'm sitting on my hands sometimes stopping myself from messaging him either to see how he is or in anger. I am flitting between one emotion to the other. If only he has seen how disrespectful this was to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 27/03/2021 10:48

Ps No word from him either so he either mustn't give a shit or still think I was in the wrong to be upset at the 'friendship'.

OP posts:

gutful · 27/03/2021 10:50

He does see it
He just doesn’t care
Trying to make him “see” your hurt is pointless

PigletJohn · 27/03/2021 11:08

you said at the beginning "DP (well, now ex)"

what your ex does should not be of great concern to you. Write him off.

backtothebacktothe · 28/03/2021 11:39

Sounds like his dad is having an affair with this woman and your DP is being used as a beard / friend / cover up / something else

Shaz786o · 28/03/2021 13:15

Dealing with this too op. Year in and still not allowed to meet his best female friend or attend their dinners or walks. More and more wondering what a mug I am.

Dickdickgoose · 28/03/2021 13:22

I’ll bet his DF is the one having the affair with this woman and he’s so thick he’s being used as cover. His mum is being nice because she suspects something is fishy...

sadie9 · 28/03/2021 15:14

Sorry for your troubles. The issue here is that your ex DP is emotionally immature.
He seems to be seeking mother figures and this was also the case with you. He's not seeking an equal female partner and never was. Maybe he will never be able to relate like that and develop emotionally unless he has some therapy.
Maybe in hindsight I wonder did he treat you as if he was a teenage son and you were the mother. Like when he annoyed you/got you riled up on purpose and then sat there smirking. That's not normal behaviour for two equal adults, is it?
It's nearly like he relates to you either as if you are his Mother or as if you are the pesky little sister he can tease.
Therefore he did not see anything wrong with going 'out to play' with this other woman. He has no friends (big red flag) and also seems to do what his Dad tells him even though he's 33.

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 28/03/2021 16:21

@sadie9 thank you. Yes, it very much annoyed me that he always did what his mum and dad wanted him to do and would never say it wasn't what he wanted. The amount of times I had to remind him he's an adult and can make his own decisions. Eg his mum insisted he go home at least every other weekend which is quite a distance away to stay with his parents and he went, even if it clashed with our plans or even if he didn't particularly want to. It was so frustrating!! I mean I don't like to annoy my parents in any way myself but they certainly don't tell me what to do and I'm not a child/teenager anymore.
At the start of this friendship he said to me he couldn't be bothered seeing her but didn't want to upset his dad as he had arranged it. That's ridiculous in itself, I suppose!!
He has absolutely no friends left at all as doesn't keep in touch with anyone properly so he might regret leaving me in the end as I was the main person he had. I'm so glad that at least I have good friends and a support network around me after this breakup.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lajumelle1 · 28/03/2021 16:22

@Shaz786o that's terrible. I'm assuming you've had numerous discussions with him about it? It's really not on and I feel for you.

OP posts:

Easterbunnygettingready · 28/03/2021 16:26

Imo he is way too busy with his new 'friend' to give you a second thought... Of course when you do find out it will be that your suspicious mind forced them together...

5128gap · 28/03/2021 17:28

OP, please don't let her age become a red herring.
A women doesn't hit 50 and all of a sudden have only maternal feeling towards younger men. Equally, all men don't see older women as mother figures.
People can be attracted to each other regardless of age, and people's difficulties in accepting that can enable those like your partner to hide in plain sight.
Forget her age, and consider their behaviour to assess whether its appropriate or not.

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