To think I can't make this work now

[Anonymummy19]

Hi everyone,

I don't really know how to start this, but I've been married to my husband now 3 years this year, we have 1 little boy together.

I feel like as soon as we where married he changed over night, suddenly I was going to be this housewife who done everything for him, he expected me to want to try for another baby on our honeymoon, which I disagreed with, I want to make a good life for the child I already have and I didn't feel wee where in a position to have had another baby at that time. Anyway I've just noticed over the course of the past year things haven't been great, not that we have blazing arguments but I've just noticed he is all for himself really and we don't really communicate.

But anyway I've been on our shared tablet today and I've seen that he's been Googling that he's in love with his wife's friend now I have one very close friend, childhood friend that I would spend a lot of time with, she knows everything about me. But we are opposites really, she's very confident, can be forward, dare I say outspoken, posts very provocative pictures on social media etc, but she's like my sister and has been there for me through everything. Back last year this friend started asking me to come on nights out with her and helped me put outfits etc together and if I'm honest made me feel good about myself again, but I don't think my husband liked this and he used to pass comment about my friend saying she was a bad influence etc. I never would have imagined he would be 'in love' with her. I just don't know how I can move past this or what I'm going to do now that I know this information. I feel lost and empty.

Sorry this was sort of rambly, my head is scattered at the minute.

It doesnt sound great. It sounds like a serious discussion with him is needed.

Is he trying to drive a wedge between you and your friend?

but I don't think my husband liked this and he used to pass comment about my friend saying she was a bad influence

Aside from what he's been Googling, he's abusive. Changing as soon as you're married is a big sign that he is a manipulator. Is he controlling in other ways? Do you have to be careful what you say? Does he help with DC and housework or expect you to do it all?

Thank you for your replies everyone, I really appreciate it. I'm really struggling this past couple of days.

I don't think he would try and drive a wedge between us, she's my closest friend and he obviously didn't know I would see what he was Googling. He's never expressed any interest in her in that way if you know what I mean, if anything I sort of thought he hasn't got much time for her

He's a fair number of years older than me, I'm still mid 20's and I think he feels threatened/jealous of me sort of finding myself abit and enjoying myself. To be fair he does help around the house, but he does have the tendency to be very selfish and put himself first a lot.

I just don't know what to do, all weekend I've been either in complete despair or I'm coming to terms with living on my own.

I opened a can of worms when I came across this because there are a lot of things I've come across that I'm not happy with. It's so weird I almost feel like I have no feeling towards him at all now, it's like I flipped a switch. I'm just really sad for my son in all this, he doesn't deserve this.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to read this

Me again

So I took photos of the 'evidence' as such, I have been in this situation before when I've seen something and I've asked him about it, had nothing to back it up then it miraculously disappears But anyway he was still denying everything I've put to him, might I add I took a quick look again to make sure I wasn't going mad and low and behold there is a lot more that I missed. Such as him seeking women who want affairs, I'm not going to use the wording he used because it actually disgusts me! Is this even the man I married

So I sent the photos to him and he didn't respond as such but he came home shortly after and was very teary etc didn't say much and when he did his voice was breaking, he seemed quite upset. My problem is he has really really hurt me, he's lied to me, he's basically making a mug out of me, so why the fuck do I feel sorry for him? Why do I now feel like the bad person?

It's just a tactic, fake tears to make you feel sorry for him.

He sounds sleazy, perving on your friend and looking for women online for affairs.

The fact that he 'changed overnight' is worrying, sounds like he wanted you to be trapped in a marriage with children.

Do you work?

Time to start getting your ducks in a row.

This is a line that he's crossed that I'd neither forgive nor want to forgive.

I'm glad you have photographic evidence - he can't deny it or gaslight you.

You deserve more than this from the person who is meant to love you.

I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

I'd ask to get your thread moved to Relationship board where you should get more responses.

My friend said the exact same thing. I have told him that I can't get past this and that if I had any where to go I would be away, his response was so you want me out then, I said yes because it's not fair on me to feel uncomfortable in my home and it's not fair on our little not to be around us. Might I add that we aren't arguing or screaming at each other, I am just blanking him. But I don't want my son picking up on this.

I feel so lost, yes I have my very close friend who I have told but I haven't told anyone else. I don't have family, I've been no contact with them for years. I have no one to turn to and I feel like when I do make the move and get him out of the house his family may side with him and I'll be the biggest bitch in the world!

Yes I work full time, so at least I'll be able to get my head showered for a few hours before reality hits again. One minute I'm quite calm and can think things through, next I'm balling uncontrollably and I'm thinking we where supposed to be looking for our forever home together and not shit has hit the fan

I'm sitting here with a cup of tea just thinking of all the little things that I found weird but never passed remarks on. For instance, once we got married we opened up a joint account, the idea being that we transfer money over every week or when we can afford it to save up and put towards a deposit for a house/land. Now we had our life insurance rep out at the end of last year and he asked about savings etc, he then piped up that he had a savings account which he puts money into. He has never put money into our joint account, I have almost £2000 in it Wee both have separate cards, and I have the app on my phone so I can keep track of it, he has never activated his card but I'm sitting thinking now that he could try take that money if he really wanted to.

I wanted this to be my forever, I really did. I'm so heart broken, more so for my little boy. He worships him and he is a good father, they are as thick as thieves. But obviously I wouldn't dream of stopping contact, it's just going to be hard at meal times etc.

Has anyone else experienced divorce or anything mid 20s? I haven't got a clue what to do or where to go, so any help is defo appreciated!

Thank you all so much

Thank you, does anyone know how I can get this moved?

I'm sorry I don't know how you can move your thread.
Just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this and not that it matters I suppose, but I find it incredibly disrespectful that he hasn't at least attempted some type of explanation.
I think he will come running back for you shortly so be prepared for that and stay strong!

Move your savings out of joint account into your own account straightaway.

You need a good lawyer. They will talk you through the process.

Divorce application: very straightforward, you can fill it in yourself. Cost is £550.

However, as you have children, you should see a solicitor on how best to split assets. Do you own the property with him?

And it doesn't matter what his family think of you, they won't be your problem.

Op, if you click on 'Report', you can type a comment in the box saying 'please move my thread to Relationships' and it will be moved.

But AIBU is fine too.

Thank you Eaaaar!

He done the whole I swear on my life, if I drop now it wasn't me bs, and at first I didn't let him know I had evidence. Then it went on a day or so and I basically said I wasn't speaking to him because I was lying, he isn't the best with tech and didn't realise that his Google account on his phone is on the tablet too, which means that whatever he Google's on his will show on the table history as well. So I sent him the photos and I explained this point to him and he has no response for me as yet because I have him gunked so to speak.

I guarantee he will text me tomorrow though, he isn't very good with talking things through face to face, he never has been. Generally what happens is we will have words or disagreements, he will go to bed and expect everything to be fine and dandy the next morning. And to be honest, I don't think I could fight the tears, I am very weak when it comes to my emotions and if he sees me crying he will see that as a weakness, so I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants and try my best I suppose!

You can report your own post and ask for it to be moved.

Sorry, my grammar is atrocious in some of my posts, I'm trying to reply meanwhile the tears are tripping me

I've reported your thread to get MNHQ to move it for you.

Move your savings into an account in your own name so he can't take the money.
You need a solicitor, and you need to have all your documentation to hand, including any copies of his individual bank statements if you can get them.

@Anonymummy19

Yes it sounds like a classic ‘I can’t think of an excuse right now so I’ll text when I’ve made one up and pretend the time it’s taken me to make one up, is because I’ve been deep in thought about how bad I’ve made a mistake’

If you’re worried about your emotions maybe only speak through message when you have to speak.

Even when I’m angry I can end up crying and I hate it because it looks like I’m a sad sap lol.

Like others have mentioned, use this time to organise yourself. Write yourself a list of what you need to do.
Also write a list reminding yourself of why you feel like this right now as it will help you stay strong no matter how much he tries to act like everything is normal.
It’s all easier said than done but you can do it.
No matter what decision you make, make sure it works for you! Don't take his feelings into consideration, he doesn't deserve it xx

@stackemhigh

Move your savings out of joint account into your own account straightaway.

You need a good lawyer. They will talk you through the process.

Divorce application: very straightforward, you can fill it in yourself. Cost is £550.

However, as you have children, you should see a solicitor on how best to split assets. Do you own the property with him?

And it doesn't matter what his family think of you, they won't be your problem.

@stackemhigh Thank you for replying!

Do you think I could go into the bank and get his name removed from the account, or would he have to sign anything?

The property we currently live in is on his families land, it's sort of a long story but basically we couldn't get planning approval for a house, so we bought a chalet type house with the idea being we could save for a few years and hopefully the right home would come up at the right time for us and we could sell our Chalet. I had to take out a loan for it you see so I'm paying for it, and will be for the next 3 years, so I'm sort of tied. I have been looking at places to rent in the local area but it's £600/month and I can't afford it. I'm hoping he will cooperate and go back to his parents, he won't be far away mind you, not even a mile but at least I won't have to lie on the sofa anymore.

I know, and this is probably really weird but it kind of felt good to have a family unit and be part of it if you know what I mean.

Aww OP my heart broke for you reading your posts your husband sounds like a controlling arsehole! Get your ducks in a row OP and remove your money from the joint account, keep hold of all and any important documents you need. Don't worry about his family turning on you their opinions don't matter and if they turn nasty block them. I think you need to seek legal advice OP and if you want him out pack his bags and change the locks!

@JetBlackSteed thank you
I know this is so silly of my to say but I feel embarrassed that I actually have to go and look about a divorce with not even 3 years of marriage under my belt.

I would never look down on anyone that has been through it, because I know friends parents that have been through it and I know there are many many reasons why it may happen but I feel because I'm so young, with a young child, the older generation will definitely frown upon me. But then really they should be frowning upon him, at the end of the day I really haven't done anything wrong. I need to keep reminding myself of this!!

Do you have online banking? Just open up a new personal savings account and move the £2,000 into it as a payment transfer.

You don't need his permission to move the savings from a joint account.

You need to speak to a lawyer about your rights on the chalet.

I hope he moves out, but if it's his family land, I'm not sure what your rights are here. Do you have deeds for the chalet?

I know this is so silly of my to say but I feel embarrassed that I actually have to go and look about a divorce with not even 3 years of marriage under my belt.

You need to shift your mindset, and think of the positives. You are extricating yourself out of this marriage to a man you've only wasted 3 years on. You will look back and be glad it wasn't 5 or 10 years!

You are also going to be so much stronger, and all in your 20s!

Empty that account now. He can clear it out as quick as that and then deny he has it. Clearly he is hiding money from.you so make sure you have control of yours. If he hasn't activated his card then he isn't going to realise its gone is he - if he is as nieve as you say - I'd not be convinced of this however.

[quote Eaaaar]@Anonymummy19

Yes it sounds like a classic ‘I can’t think of an excuse right now so I’ll text when I’ve made one up and pretend the time it’s taken me to make one up, is because I’ve been deep in thought about how bad I’ve made a mistake’

If you’re worried about your emotions maybe only speak through message when you have to speak.

Even when I’m angry I can end up crying and I hate it because it looks like I’m a sad sap lol.

Like others have mentioned, use this time to organise yourself. Write yourself a list of what you need to do.
Also write a list reminding yourself of why you feel like this right now as it will help you stay strong no matter how much he tries to act like everything is normal.
It’s all easier said than done but you can do it.
No matter what decision you make, make sure it works for you! Don't take his feelings into consideration, he doesn't deserve it xx[/quote]
@Eaaaar

I am the exact same, even when I'm angry I just cry, such a bad trait lol

He's very good at doing the whole feel sorry for myself thing and he knows how to play with mine to brush it under the carpet.

I'm trying to compile a list as wee speak so hopefully I can get all in line and prepare for what's to come. I'm just so sad about it, I have a busy week ahead at work and in a way it may be a good thing, but I just know it's not going to be a good week because this will always be in the back of my mind.

Hopefully he will leave quietly and if push comes to shove and his family get narky I have evidence, but if he has any sense he would not want them to see it, because it is filth and it would only damage their opinions of him.

I want to try keep it amicable, for the sake of my son, I'm the main care giver if that makes sense so I leave him to nursery every morning, he always leaves for work early so he wouldn't be able to kick me out and do all this himself, not unless he changes his jobs around. But I'm just praying he will want to play ball.