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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think I can't make this work now

67 replies

Anonymummy19 · 25/03/2021 18:37

Hi everyone,

I don't really know how to start this, but I've been married to my husband now 3 years this year, we have 1 little boy together.

I feel like as soon as we where married he changed over night, suddenly I was going to be this housewife who done everything for him, he expected me to want to try for another baby on our honeymoon, which I disagreed with, I want to make a good life for the child I already have and I didn't feel wee where in a position to have had another baby at that time. Anyway I've just noticed over the course of the past year things haven't been great, not that we have blazing arguments but I've just noticed he is all for himself really and we don't really communicate.

But anyway I've been on our shared tablet today and I've seen that he's been Googling that he's in love with his wife's friendConfused now I have one very close friend, childhood friend that I would spend a lot of time with, she knows everything about me. But we are opposites really, she's very confident, can be forward, dare I say outspoken, posts very provocative pictures on social media etc, but she's like my sister and has been there for me through everything. Back last year this friend started asking me to come on nights out with her and helped me put outfits etc together and if I'm honest made me feel good about myself again, but I don't think my husband liked this and he used to pass comment about my friend saying she was a bad influence etc. I never would have imagined he would be 'in love' with her. I just don't know how I can move past this or what I'm going to do now that I know this information. I feel lost and empty.

Sorry this was sort of rambly, my head is scattered at the minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 22:59

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87

Aww OP my heart broke for you reading your posts your husband sounds like a controlling arsehole! Get your ducks in a row OP and remove your money from the joint account, keep hold of all and any important documents you need. Don't worry about his family turning on you their opinions don't matter and if they turn nasty block them. I think you need to seek legal advice OP and if you want him out pack his bags and change the locks!
Thank you @WickedWitchOfTheEast87 Thanks

I hope people reading my posts don't think I'm being dramatic, but I honestly feel broken. My friend keeps telling me that it may be the best thing to happen to me and in time I will meet someone who makes me happy etc but I can't imagine anyone wanting me now, with a child and a divorce under my belt before I'm 30 Blush

But to be honest I can't even think of wanting anyone else, I just want to concentrate on finding myself again and making sure my little boy is happy.

Thank you for you're kind words, I really do appreciate it, I appreciate everyone who is interacting with me. You have no idea how much it means to meThanks

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 28/03/2021 23:02

Are you kidding? MN is full of women of single parents who remarried in their 30s! You'll be fine. You've got so many good things ahead of you.

Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:07

@stackemhigh

Do you have online banking? Just open up a new personal savings account and move the £2,000 into it as a payment transfer.

You don't need his permission to move the savings from a joint account.

You need to speak to a lawyer about your rights on the chalet.

I hope he moves out, but if it's his family land, I'm not sure what your rights are here. Do you have deeds for the chalet?

@stackemhigh

I will definitely try get this sorted asap, it's the only savings I have and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of taking it! If the shoe where on the other foot I wouldn't dream of taking money this isn't mine, but when it kicks of dear knows what he could be capable of.

I would be quite close to his Father and work quite closely with his brothers, his father would often refer to me as a daughter to him and to be honest they think the world of my son. So I really wouldn't like to think they would try and out me out of my home, if they do they would be putting their grandchild out too. The land it sits on is in my husbands name, the Charlet itself doesn't have deeds because it was just bought and set on if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
Eaaaar · 28/03/2021 23:09

@Anonymummy19

I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all and I understand how hard it is because you wanted it to work out with him - thinking why did he have to do what he did!
However, it’s a behaviour that has nothing to do with you and must of been there all along. 3 years is better than finding out at 10 years.
It will be difficult with a busy week ahead as you need to process your feelings and decisions carefully so take the time you need.
To make sure he plays ball, try and take the lead on things. Make it clear that you’re unhappy with him and set out your expectations for him to get on with. If that doesn’t work I’d remind him that you’d like to remain amicable but if he wants to go down a different route, you’re happy to send evidence around.

Good luck, you've got this Thanks

Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:10

@LittleOwl153

Empty that account now. He can clear it out as quick as that and then deny he has it. Clearly he is hiding money from.you so make sure you have control of yours. If he hasn't activated his card then he isn't going to realise its gone is he - if he is as nieve as you say - I'd not be convinced of this however.
@LittleOwl153

This will defo be done ASAP, I can't risk loosing it! See that's the thing he's very good at playing dumb and acting all innocent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:13

@stackemhigh

Are you kidding? MN is full of women of single parents who remarried in their 30s! You'll be fine. You've got so many good things ahead of you.
@stackemhigh thank youThanks I really needed to hear this!!
OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 28/03/2021 23:14

Can you move the money now? Online banking? Move it into your account. Once he does it, it is gone forever.

Thehop · 28/03/2021 23:17

I divorced younger than you after being married 1 year and with a 3 month old baby.

I remarried years after yet another failed relationship and in my 30s with 3 sons! I had a second marriage to a wonderful man and a surprise menopause baby girl. We’re a very happy family and my kids love both their dad and my husband.....and the feeling is mutual. I spent years feeling like I was spoiled somehow but couldn’t be happier now and so glad I didn’t let my first husband ruin any more time for me.

Keep going OP x

Thehop · 28/03/2021 23:19

Also, you can open an online account with someone like Monzo bank or starling immediately and transfer straight in

Avoid Revolut like the plague

Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:20

[quote Eaaaar]@Anonymummy19

I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all and I understand how hard it is because you wanted it to work out with him - thinking why did he have to do what he did!
However, it’s a behaviour that has nothing to do with you and must of been there all along. 3 years is better than finding out at 10 years.
It will be difficult with a busy week ahead as you need to process your feelings and decisions carefully so take the time you need.
To make sure he plays ball, try and take the lead on things. Make it clear that you’re unhappy with him and set out your expectations for him to get on with. If that doesn’t work I’d remind him that you’d like to remain amicable but if he wants to go down a different route, you’re happy to send evidence around.

Good luck, you've got this Thanks[/quote]
@Eaaaar
Thank you for understanding me! When I look back I feel like he has always been doing things that most women probably wouldn't tolerate, but I was young and head over heels for him. There are many many things that I wanted to do but I was so in love with him I didn't pursue them because I was so in love. Things that I couldn't do now because of my son, but I wouldn't change him for the world, he's the sweetest little boy and if anything he will be my reason to stay strong.

I think when push comes to shove he won't want me to show the evidence, but I'm just wondering how he's going to explain to his parents and his family why he's back home and I'm wondering what do I say to them if they ask me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:26

@RachelRavenRoth

Can you move the money now? Online banking? Move it into your account. Once he does it, it is gone forever.
@RachelRavenRoth

So I've been on my app, I've never transferred money from them account before, only ever into it. So I can only transfer £500 atm, so I transferred it anyway. I think I'm going to try and arrange to go to the local branch tomorrow to get it all transferred, or see if I can open up another account in my name only. To be honest I'll just go with whatever is quicker!

OP posts:
Eaaaar · 28/03/2021 23:26

@Anonymummy19 If they ask you I'd say he's been deceitful and let the family (as in the three of you) down.
If they want anymore information redirect them to him and says that's all you'd like to say on the matter, unless ofc you'd you'd like to discuss more with them.

Well hopefully there are some things you wanted to do that you can still do with a child and if not, you'll find some new things a long the way and won't have a twat to think about Smile

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/03/2021 23:29

and I'm wondering what do I say to them if they ask me?

You say 'you'd better ask [his name]. This is down to him.' he'll have to come up with something, knowing that you have the evidence and could use it.

(On which note, send the screen shots to as many other places as you can - email to yourself, memory stick kept hidden, send to your friend - in case he gets hold of your phone and tries to delete them.)

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 28/03/2021 23:30

@Anonymummy19 you're very welcome. I don't think you're being dramatic at all and believe me you will meet someone who loves and appreciates you and doesn't go looking online to start affairs. Don't stick around with an arsehole like that or it will eat away at your self esteem. Being a single parent is hard but honestly its better than staying with someone who has no respect for you and treats you like shit.

My mother had a very very messy split with my father and she met my stepdad six months later when she was starting divorce proceedings and raising me and my siblings it didn't put my stepdad off not even when my father found about her seeing someone else and he caused world war 3 over it! My mum and stepdad have been together for nearly 26 years now and I'm surprised he didn't run for the hills when I think about everything that happened in the early days. So don't feel worried about no one wanting you if he's a decent guy he'll have no problem with you being a divorced single mother. Out of curiousity has your husband put that idea in your head?

Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:32

@Thehop

I divorced younger than you after being married 1 year and with a 3 month old baby.

I remarried years after yet another failed relationship and in my 30s with 3 sons! I had a second marriage to a wonderful man and a surprise menopause baby girl. We’re a very happy family and my kids love both their dad and my husband.....and the feeling is mutual. I spent years feeling like I was spoiled somehow but couldn’t be happier now and so glad I didn’t let my first husband ruin any more time for me.

Keep going OP x

@Thehop This sounds awful but it kind of gives me abit of hope, if you know what I mean! I'm sorry you had to go through it but I'm glad you found happiness! That's the thing, people often think I'm spoiled with my life, but I have never asked my husband for money or anything, but then I've always worked and anything I have I've bought myself.

I just can't imagine starting off again, I've been with my husband from I was 19,he wasn't my first boyfriend but first time if you know what I mean!

I just hope and pray I can get in with my life and find contentment!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:48

[quote Eaaaar]@Anonymummy19 If they ask you I'd say he's been deceitful and let the family (as in the three of you) down.
If they want anymore information redirect them to him and says that's all you'd like to say on the matter, unless ofc you'd you'd like to discuss more with them.

Well hopefully there are some things you wanted to do that you can still do with a child and if not, you'll find some new things a long the way and won't have a twat to think about Smile [/quote]
@Eaaaar
Yeah I think I'll leave it to him to explain, it's really up to him to explain his actions, not for me.

Awk yes definitely, me and him will have lots of little adventures to look forward to. I just hope it doesn't effect his mental health or anything, but I'm going to do my best to keep everything as normal as possible for him. Another question, sorry! But if he asks why daddy isn't here anymore or something like that, what do I say to him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 28/03/2021 23:58

[quote WickedWitchOfTheEast87]@Anonymummy19 you're very welcome. I don't think you're being dramatic at all and believe me you will meet someone who loves and appreciates you and doesn't go looking online to start affairs. Don't stick around with an arsehole like that or it will eat away at your self esteem. Being a single parent is hard but honestly its better than staying with someone who has no respect for you and treats you like shit.

My mother had a very very messy split with my father and she met my stepdad six months later when she was starting divorce proceedings and raising me and my siblings it didn't put my stepdad off not even when my father found about her seeing someone else and he caused world war 3 over it! My mum and stepdad have been together for nearly 26 years now and I'm surprised he didn't run for the hills when I think about everything that happened in the early days. So don't feel worried about no one wanting you if he's a decent guy he'll have no problem with you being a divorced single mother. Out of curiousity has your husband put that idea in your head?[/quote]
@WickedWitchOfTheEast87
I know if it was one of my friends in this situation I would be telling them exactly what you are telling me I think we will probably have to come up with a plan for co parenting, I know he will want to remain a big part of his life so we will have to work out what's going to work for both of us and also some boundaries.

Awh, I'm so glad your Mum got through it and that he found a good man to support her aswell! They always say everything happens for a reason don't they! Well he would pass comment you know like I'm going to 'trade you in for a newer model' and say things like how lucky I am to have him

It's actually kinda funny just when I mention the comment about trading me for a younger model, it just so happens that he has a thing for hairy grannies not that grannies can't be attractive or anything. But to be looking at the complete opposite of what you tell me your trading me in for - I have no words!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 29/03/2021 00:00

@Feedingthebirds1

and I'm wondering what do I say to them if they ask me?

You say 'you'd better ask [his name]. This is down to him.' he'll have to come up with something, knowing that you have the evidence and could use it.

(On which note, send the screen shots to as many other places as you can - email to yourself, memory stick kept hidden, send to your friend - in case he gets hold of your phone and tries to delete them.)

@Feedingthebirds1

I wouldn't mind being a fly on the wall when he tries to explain it. They are the sort of people that will want to know exactly what the problem is and will keep probing until they get it! Hopefully make him sweat abitWink

Good idea actually, I never even thought of that in all of this! Thank youThanks

OP posts:
WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 29/03/2021 00:14

@Anonymummy19 wow your "DH" sounds like a right charmer 🙄 tell him he's more than welcome to get a younger model as you're looking for a much better upgrade yourself 🤣🤣

I'm all for each to their own and I have nothing against grannies having sex but reading your comment that he gets off on hairy grannies makes me wanna 🤢🤢🤮🤮 get this fucker out of your life ASAP you deserve much better!

Original poster
Anonymummy19 · 29/03/2021 00:47

[quote WickedWitchOfTheEast87]@Anonymummy19 wow your "DH" sounds like a right charmer 🙄 tell him he's more than welcome to get a younger model as you're looking for a much better upgrade yourself 🤣🤣

I'm all for each to their own and I have nothing against grannies having sex but reading your comment that he gets off on hairy grannies makes me wanna 🤢🤢🤮🤮 get this fucker out of your life ASAP you deserve much better![/quote]
@WickedWitchOfTheEast87

He always tried to make out like it was a joke, but I always thought there was a kick with itHmm

But maybe that's what's wrong, maybe I'm not a hairy granny haha if you didn't laugh you would cry! It just makes me want to be sick, we haven't been intimate in almost a year now and I have nothing against porn, I think most men probably watch it from time to time. But he's watching that sort of porn a few times a weekConfused this is just a mess, isn't it!

Thank you for your support, I can't tell you how much it means to know all you posters took time to chat with me! Xx

OP posts:
ThatchersCold · 29/03/2021 01:21

Oh OP. Just wanted to say you sound lovely and like you’ve got your head screwed on. You’re definitely doing the right thing in planning to separate. It will be hard, you will waver, he will minimise his behaviour and try to guilt trip you into staying together for the sake of DS. Stand strong.

FWIW, different circumstances but at 24 I had a one year old with a man much older than me, and I ended it. I was terrified of being a single mum and felt so guilty for DD. But I was so unhappy and being treated like shit really. Someone asked me when I was crying wondering what to do, what I was afraid of? By staying with him, I was guaranteed unhappiness, but by leaving I had the chance of happiness, so what was there to be afraid of, I should be excited not afraid! That really stuck with me.

You’ll be fine, you’ve got this.

thenewduchessofhastings · 29/03/2021 01:42

@Anonymummy19

That savings account he told your life insurance agent about;in the event of a divorce you're entitled to half of that.I wonder what else he's got stashed away behind your back?

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 29/03/2021 01:59

@Anonymummy19 you seem very sensible no matter how much of a mess it seems you're in now it won't last forever.

I also agree with @thenewduchessofhastings if he's stashed money away then god knows what else he's hidding.

What a shame he didn't hide his thing for hairy grannies as well I'm sure thats one thing you wish you hadn't discovered 🙄🤣

SionnachGlic · 29/03/2021 04:00

I'm all for leaving it to him to explain...but only if he won't lie & say it is your fault & paint you as something ypu are not & he's a victim here ..

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 29/03/2021 11:43

We're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic for the OP. Thanks to everyone who's given advice and support so far.