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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating dilemma

86 replies

adagiok5 · 25/03/2021 14:27

I am a very active 62 year old with a young looking outlook. I have had to dip my toe back into online dating again due to a relationship break up two years ago . After meeting several men ( socially distanced ) I thought I had found a really nice man. However after 3 months he still has a profile on a dating site . I have asked him about this but he says he is just waiting for his subscription to run out . I too had a subscription but suspended my profile ( maybe that’s just me ) I am also aware that he still checks the site everyday . I only know this due to unsuspending my profile and looking at his . The crunch of the matter came last night when we had a lovely evening ( he is now in my bubble ) . He messaged me when he got home to say how he always enjoys his evenings with me. A few minutes later I checked out his profile on the dating site and he was online . This doesn’t seem right to me . What do others think? He has been very attentive buying me flowers and has even booked and paid for us to go to a concert in August . But I am feeling very uneasy

OP posts:
wobblywinelover · 26/03/2021 18:13

How awful but a great response from you OP and you were totally in the right. Making the most of his subscription hey? well I bet he wasn't expecting that. 3 months of your time wasted - he will never see it that way, they never do.

One of the reasons i'll never go on dating sites now, and the blokes who go on them are always tempted to find someone better so it 9 times out of 10 leads to heartbreak for the woman. I'm staying off them for the good of my mental health. I'll take my chances in real life now if at all

TowandaForever · 26/03/2021 19:01

@Lovedove how do you know they aren't looking at your profile ?

bunsnroses1 · 26/03/2021 19:26

What an absolute fool - he already got more than his money's worth, he met you!

Journeynotdestination · 26/03/2021 19:46

Stupid man. Getting his moneys worth, what a jerk. He should be making you feel like he has won the lottery. Urgh. What a loser. He’s lost you! Now he can get his pennies worth trying to find someone who matched up to you. I bet he can’t!!!

Journeynotdestination · 26/03/2021 19:46

Also he’s a moron.

Mermaidwaves · 26/03/2021 20:03

Yep this is why I've quit OLD, they keep looking despite having a so called nice time with you. I think a lot of people get addicted to the searching and ego boost and I just find it hard to translate the online vibe into real life.

Well done OP on calling him out on it, and he probably would have ended up ghosting or the other million shit things that OLD entails, no loss there.

Lovedove · 27/03/2021 04:05

[quote TowandaForever]@Lovedove how do you know they aren't looking at your profile ?[/quote]
I think if they show online for five minutes that might be a slim possibility ( but why look at my profile when you can interact with me in person/over texts etc !) when they’re online for ages or repeatedly every day - nah. This guy was on ages while simultaneously chatting to op. It’s pretty obvious what’s happening.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 27/03/2021 06:29

Well done for calling him out on it OP! What a creep. Make sure he's blocked as I bet he comes crawling back when his subscription runs out.

eatsleepread · 27/03/2021 08:31

Sorry, OP. It does sound like he has the online dating 'sweet shop' mentality.
Without saying a word about it, I'd put your profile up too. See how he likes that. Well, if it's good enough for him ...

eatsleepread · 27/03/2021 08:33

Oops, so sorry, just read the update.
Good for you, OP. And you sound like a total catch, so don't give up! Good luck.

adagiok5 · 27/03/2021 08:53

Another update . I have now received a huge bouquet of flowers from inter flora from him. There is a card saying how stupid he has been and please could I forgive him as he is totally smitten with lots of kisses . I really don’t know what to think now .

OP posts:
WiseOwlOne · 27/03/2021 09:09

Id compile a list of questions. Tempting to tell him what a jackass he is for wanting to get his money's worth out of the subscription 😵

What do you really want to know.
What is he really looking for?
Will he know when he's found it?
What sacrifices would he make to 'secure' a relationship he valued?
Is he enjoying the sweetshop aspect to OLD?
Too much to stop with one woman?
Is he hoping to do "better" than you?

Or does he enjoy the search?
Would he be comfortable duping a woman in to what she believed was a committed respectful relationship while he enjoyed the pursuit elsewhere?
How would he feel if a woman did that to him?

Normally id just say fuck him, next, but ..... he sounds an idiot, he likes you and he fucked it up.

Write down your questions and tell him you need answers before you think.

But even if he complies with that, and wins you back, if he doesnt genuinely feel relieved to have got a second chance he might feel resentful that he worked so hard to win you back when he is such a prize 😵

Cahu58 · 27/03/2021 09:11

Everyone deserves a second chance OP, but no more than that. I'm 57 and been there and am still single after divorce 13 years ago. OLD is too much hard work for me but I don't meet men in everyday life so give him one last chance or you will always wonder what if.

WiseOwlOne · 27/03/2021 09:12

Flowers are easy for a man who isnt broke though. I know this. I dont see it as some big meaningful gesture.

I do know though that there is a kind of dopamine hit that kept drawing me back to POF, i had to kill my profiles as even long after id decided that OLD was making me unhappy, i kept going back.

Inthefuture · 27/03/2021 09:23

When I’ve done online dating I’ve been over the moon when I’ve met someone half decent and I wouldn’t go anywhere near the dating site while I gave the relationship a chance. I don’t know why he would do that. He must have some interest in other women to keep doing it.

adagiok5 · 27/03/2021 09:24

@Inthefuture

When I’ve done online dating I’ve been over the moon when I’ve met someone half decent and I wouldn’t go anywhere near the dating site while I gave the relationship a chance. I don’t know why he would do that. He must have some interest in other women to keep doing it.
Exactly
OP posts:
litterbird · 27/03/2021 09:32

Have a chat with him OP and put the cards on the table. He may have genuinely made a big cock up and is mortified you caught him out and he is suffering the consequences of this. Just give him one more chance.

Haribo21 · 27/03/2021 09:33

@adagiok5 has he been back on the dating site since sending you these?

adagiok5 · 27/03/2021 09:45

[quote Haribo21]@adagiok5 has he been back on the dating site since sending you these?[/quote]
It’s difficult to say . But what I will say is that his profile is still on there at the moment

OP posts:
SynchroSwimmer · 27/03/2021 10:28

Similar age to you op and the comments on the post here resonate and thought provoking.

I liked the comment upthread about someone looking for a committed respectful relationship while the chap enjoys the pursuit elsewhere.

Is there any middle ground for you - any merit in expanding your friendship group generally rather than exclusively? (Though I appreciate that is probably not what you are looking for)

I am still learning on this journey but am appreciative that I have gained a number of new (mostly non-romantic) friends in the process. I just look upon it that I have gained much valued new friends at a different stage in my life and the quality of all pir lives are improved.

In non-covid times one friend takes me to explore adventurous remote locations, another takes me to experience different cultures, a third accompanies me cycling, sailing, snorkelling. Expanding my friendship group lets me go out and do things - activities and experiences that wouldn’t be ok or safe to do alone. We all enhance each others lives greatly, —but I’m not a carer/or wash their socks— 😂

Having tried OLD (respect to those who navigate it successfully!), I favour the meeting in real life thing - ( daren't venture online again since I made the mistake of seeing “seeking FWB” and naively assumed it meant a skill swap - that I would find someone to plaster my rendered wall in exchange for some extended dog-sitting on my part 😂).

Loved the comment above about at our age getting a dog or something/being in rocking chairs/knitting...😂. (... —as she heads off to sail a catamaran when lockdown is lifted)—

SynchroSwimmer · 27/03/2021 10:29

I was trying to do strikethrough on the final para, but failed 😂

ThatOtherPoster · 27/03/2021 11:18

his profile is still on there at the moment

That kind of counteracts the flowers, doesn’t it?

litterbird · 27/03/2021 11:20

......and I am just about to pop on my drum kit for some drum practice....aged 56 and a half

adagiok5 · 27/03/2021 11:36

@ThatOtherPoster

his profile is still on there at the moment

That kind of counteracts the flowers, doesn’t it?

Quite
OP posts:
Lovedove · 29/03/2021 11:18

@adagiok5 how are you doing? Have you made any decisions?

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