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Original poster

Online dating dilemma

86 replies

adagiok5 · 25/03/2021 14:27

I am a very active 62 year old with a young looking outlook. I have had to dip my toe back into online dating again due to a relationship break up two years ago . After meeting several men ( socially distanced ) I thought I had found a really nice man. However after 3 months he still has a profile on a dating site . I have asked him about this but he says he is just waiting for his subscription to run out . I too had a subscription but suspended my profile ( maybe that’s just me ) I am also aware that he still checks the site everyday . I only know this due to unsuspending my profile and looking at his . The crunch of the matter came last night when we had a lovely evening ( he is now in my bubble ) . He messaged me when he got home to say how he always enjoys his evenings with me. A few minutes later I checked out his profile on the dating site and he was online . This doesn’t seem right to me . What do others think? He has been very attentive buying me flowers and has even booked and paid for us to go to a concert in August . But I am feeling very uneasy

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 25/03/2021 22:37

Being able to trust someone is essential.

Don't fret, @adagiok5, it's a shame he didn't turn out as you hoped, but better to find out now than further down the track eh.

I wonder if you should try other ways of meeting people, when we're allowed out again? Like, say, a music festival? Online dating seems to attract people who treat it like an Argos catalogue. Sad

Original poster
adagiok5 · 25/03/2021 22:40

@Alcemeg

Being able to trust someone is essential.

Don't fret, @adagiok5, it's a shame he didn't turn out as you hoped, but better to find out now than further down the track eh.

I wonder if you should try other ways of meeting people, when we're allowed out again? Like, say, a music festival? Online dating seems to attract people who treat it like an Argos catalogue. Sad

I so agree with you about the Argos catalogue. But it is very difficult to meet someone in real life
OP posts:
yellowlorry123 · 26/03/2021 07:00

Perhaps you should get back on and continue to look too? See what he thinks of that?

Lovedove · 26/03/2021 07:44

Yeah I did a lot of old and the ones that were still active after dates I binned. ( I could check without being logged in myself) Those ones are awful. sometimes they’d have logged on on the way back home from our date! I mean if they like you, why are they so eager to go back on? I just find it off putting. I can understand after a couple of dates keeping your options open but, after that, you need to make a choice about the person you’re with or still playing the field.
What will you do op?

Journeynotdestination · 26/03/2021 08:15

I’d be so tempted to go online again too and message him! But the more mature way is to ask him outright I guess!

Lovedove · 26/03/2021 08:17

Or make up a fake profile and start a chat! That’s a bit catfish though!

EarthSight · 26/03/2021 08:21

I am also aware that he still checks the site everyday

He's enjoying his time with you but it's crystal clear he doesn't intend to commit to just you and being dishonest about it. A shame, but good that you found out at this early stage.

DiamondBright · 26/03/2021 08:29

I had this issue with DP in the early days, in his case I think he'd been single a very long time and it was habit as much as anything. You need to have "the talk" it's standard in new relationships now regardless of age, until you've established clearly that you're at least "exclusively dating", if not "in a relationship" then he's free to keep using the app and messaging/seeing other women.

I know people who haven't dated in recent years think this is game playing but the world has moved on and people are less restrained by the old social norms around dating, you have to communicate clearly how you feel and what you want.

DiamondBright · 26/03/2021 08:31

@yellowlorry123

Perhaps you should get back on and continue to look too? See what he thinks of that?
Until they've established they're exclusive then OP should still be looking. I'm just surprised they've bubbled without having the conversation, the OP seems to have made assumptions without asking.
Original poster
adagiok5 · 26/03/2021 11:35

Well, I have messaged him and just simply said that I think that we are both looking for something different and therefore it’s time to go our separate ways . He messaged back saying how devastated he was and what a shock . He told me that after he left the other night he felt happier than he had done for years. I pointed out to him that on his return home he was straight on the dating site . He then came back with the same old excuse about getting his monies worth until his subscription runs out . I also told him that I was aware that he had been on the site for 2 hours last night whilst he was messaging me . He then asked if I was stalking and spying on him . I said no I wasn’t as anyone can access the site . After that he said that “ his a—- had been severely bitten . To which I replied I was sure he could find some cream for that . Then said goodnight . I haven’t heard anything since .

OP posts:
Peace43 · 26/03/2021 11:44

Ha ha ha ha!!

“I saw you doing something terrible”
“You shouldn’t have looked! How dare you watch me doing bad things. I feel violated!!!”

Really, some people! I’m glad you didn’t fall for that crock of shit. Good luck finding a better one!

Inthefuture · 26/03/2021 11:46

Getting his money’s worth! And that’s supposed to be ok with you?

Well done anyway. I like your style!

Newnamemyname · 26/03/2021 11:48

Good for you OP. I always think it's best to call out these guys for their shitty behaviour.

Been there myself - only this week in fact ☹️ the guy I've been seeing had posted something on social media which left me feeling very upset and hurt.

You definitely did the right thing - I know I did calling him out on it. Why should we put up and shut up? Their reactions tell you all you need to know and sad as it may be, it looks like you got your answer with your guy.

Onwards and upwards though, you deserve so much better Thanks

Lovedove · 26/03/2021 12:20

Getting his monies worth - what an awful reason! Almost objectifying the women on there or something. Feels yuck.
Some people get addicted to the sweet shop that is OLD and those people are best avoided as they’ll likely do it again further into your relationship. Well done op, strong lady 👏

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/03/2021 12:37

I would ask him if you're exclusive or not as you need to know when getting asked out by other men.
(Even if you aren't)
Then see what he says
If he can have options, so can you.
Unless he wants it exclusive

crimsonlake · 26/03/2021 12:50

Well done OP and good for you.
I also hate the remark made advising you to get a dog at your age, how ageist!
I have had similar happen to me twice...Was gradually getting to know someone, had a lovely evening at his place but on arrival home I felt compelled to check and yes he was online also. He was binned.
The second time it happened this new man seemed to think it was fine to actually tell me about who had been messaging him. Binned again of course, but there is a whole world of strange people on OLD.

giao · 26/03/2021 12:50

You're a legend OP. Star

makesIlaugh · 26/03/2021 16:25

@Wanderlusto

Well...at least he's a step up from the creepy guy xD

Tbf op I think if I was in my 60s I'd focus on friends and pets (and maybe the odd toy boy) anyway. Because...well do you really want to end up having to run around after some old fart for the rest of your days?

I mean I get the nice idea of having someone to grow old with...but I think a wee doggy would actually be a better idea lol.

This. And I'm in my 60s. If anything happened to my DH I wouldn't bother ever living with another bloke. Get some male friends and a vibrator Wink
Bbq1 · 26/03/2021 16:41

Tbf I agree with @Wanderlusto
I'm way off from my 60s and very happily married but in later years if was alone after dh, I wouldn't be interested in meeting anyone else. I definitely wouldn't be chasing elderly men. It's one thing growing old together but just getting together with a 60+man at that age... No. Also there are pp's on here who seem to think you can't be happy without a man. Wanderlusto didn't suggest sitting in knitting every night but was making the point that you can carve out a fulfilling life for yourself without a man.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/03/2021 16:45

Of course you don't need a man but if you didnt have your DH have no idea if you would be interested in anyone else or not. You don't know unless it happens.
You can assume how you would be

People always say that when they already have a DH.

ThatOtherPoster · 26/03/2021 16:59

He told me that after he left the other night he felt happier than he had done for years. I pointed out to him that on his return home he was straight on the dating site

I love you, OP.

Original poster
adagiok5 · 26/03/2021 17:01

@Silenceisgolden20

Of course you don't need a man but if you didnt have your DH have no idea if you would be interested in anyone else or not. You don't know unless it happens. You can assume how you would be

People always say that when they already have a DH.

I do agree with this. People that have a partner always think it’s easy on your own . It’s a case of the grass is greener. It never is
OP posts:
moomoo1967 · 26/03/2021 17:02

IMO it sounds like you are well rid. Hard to take yes. but at least you know.

OldEvilOwl · 26/03/2021 17:55

Well done!

WiseOwlOne · 26/03/2021 18:02

So, he feels bitten by this experience. Poor man.