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Original poster

Seeing someone new- Ex wants to meet up for a walk. Advice plz

57 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:22

Morning
I went out with this guy for about 2 years- It was more of a situationship than a relationship tbh as he didn't want to put a label to it. We got on great, went away together and for the last 6 months of it were platonic. Needless to say this ended just before lockdown last year. His communication dithered (he lives an hour away) and we last met up in August after restrictions eased up.

He has said that he still sees me as a really good friend. I honestly struggled to get over him and all my insecurities surfaced. So I moved on, dated other men for a few weeks, focused on myself and my future. It is always him that reaches out (sporadically; at Christimas, NY etc)to check on how I'm doing and the last time we spoke was beginning of this year. In that conversation he said he's been 'talking' to someone and they get on great and he knew her through a friend. All good. He's asked whether I was seeing someone, and at that time no- I wasn't.

In the last month and a half I've been dating a man who is treating me well, is dependable, communicative and open and honest with me. We have lots in common and our times together are intense (as in we spend many hours together and ask v deep questions). I like him and he really likes me and has made it clear he would like a relationship with me. He has asked about my exes and my past and I was open about Mr Situationship. He has also asked me to let him know if Mr Situationship ever contacts me. I said ok.

I got a text from Mr Situationship on Monday night (after 10 smh) asking how I've been( not heard from him since Jan). I answered the text two days later. He has shared that he's been stressed with work and feeling a little depressed and asked if I would like to go for a walk. I've not replied.

I am thinking of telling Mr Situationship that I'm seeing someone and that out of respect it's not best to meet up. Then I was thinking of telling the man I am seeing that he's been in touch, seeing as I promised to do that.

I was just wondering whether the man I am seeing currently was right to ask for me to let him know, even if we've only been dating less than 2 months (not slept with each other yet). I'm also wondering whether I am right to say no to the other guy, even if I've known him much longer and we got on great.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 25/03/2021 08:27

Ok...
1....NONE of “intense” guy’s business if “situation” guy contacts you. You are allowed male friends 🚩
2....”situation” guy doesn’t need to know you’re apparently dating someone. That’s none of his business.
TBH I’d bin the both of them.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:28

I suppose I am looking at this from other person's point of view- how would I feel if he met up with an ex or something. I also honour my word and it wouldn't sit well if I lied or withheld. I also believe that honesty at the v beginning of any relationship builds trust and even if the situation was trivial, not saying something when I said I would would harbour trust issues that could start chipping away.
But then my critical voice inside me is wondering if this new man is being insecure. These thoughts spiral downwards and that he may end up being needy and possessive (although he has not showed any of those. Maybe a teeny bit needy somedays but he's fully aware of that and has communicated that to me)

OP posts:
ContractClockAndCrucible · 25/03/2021 08:31

Don't be the fallback girl for Mr Situationship. He's not your friend, he's just bored and seeing if he can pull you back in again. It's up to you if you tell the new guy he's been in touch. I wouldn't personally, unless you intend on rekindling the relationship/friendship with ex.

harknesswitch · 25/03/2021 08:31

I think Mr Situationship is probably using you for an ego boost or as a fallback when he's bored. I wouldn't meet up with him, infact I think I'd block him and move on. The relationship has ended and there's no need to put yourself through anything with him again, especially as you were quite hurt the last time

Your current chap doesn't have the right to ask you to tell him, but it might be because he's feeling a bit insecure, especially as he probably realised that Mr Situationship has been coming and going and you've let him. Out of courtesy I'd tell the current fella you've spoken to My Situationship and what you've decided to do regarding him. His reaction will be telling. The deep conversations and intense meetings is ringing some alarm bells so make sure you don't end up out of the frying pan and into the fire

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:32

@FelicityPike
Thank you. Mr Intense hasn't said he doesn't want me having male friends, he just asked if I'd let him know if an ex got in touch with me.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 25/03/2021 08:32

I saw it as him beginning to be controlling.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:33

@harknesswitch Thank you

The deep conversations and intense meetings is ringing some alarm bells so make sure you don't end up out of the frying pan and into the fire

Can you elaborate a little here please- I don't quite understand

OP posts:
Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:36

@FelicityPike Ah ok. I understand. He doesn't come across that. Granted it's early days but he is very respectful in the times I am with him.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 25/03/2021 08:36

Are you interested in Ex romantically?

This is where your honesty needs to kick in...if you see any potential for Ex then you have to been upfront with new man. However you seem to be the warm place to fall for the Ex and I don't think enough time had passed for you two to be just good friends.

I personally wouldn't like the new man I'm seeing to meet up with the most recent Ex. Overtime distance can allow Ex's to be friends but are you yet in that zone??

ravenmum · 25/03/2021 08:37

he just asked if I'd let him know if an ex got in touch with me
Why, if not to control you? What other reason could he have for asking you to report back to him? Why would you think this is OK?

The other guy was lukewarm at best even when you were together. Why are you interested in either of them?

harknesswitch · 25/03/2021 08:39

The asking you to tell him if you've been contacted by your ex could be insecurity or could be the start of him being controlling.

Add that to the fact that you said it's intense and you have deep conversations could be the start of love bombing, both of these are narcissistic traits. When you have these deep conversations is he saying things like 'he's never had such a strong connection with anyone before' 'does he have similar beliefs and opinions as you' are you in constant contact with each other, does he share intimate details and expect the same back, has he mentioned soul mates, meant to be together?

I might be well off the mark, but worth a google.

However, it could be that he likes you, is feeling a bit insecure, but I'd certainly keep an eye on it and don't get sucked in

Bluntness100 · 25/03/2021 08:40

@ravenmum

he just asked if I'd let him know if an ex got in touch with me Why, if not to control you? What other reason could he have for asking you to report back to him? Why would you think this is OK?

The other guy was lukewarm at best even when you were together. Why are you interested in either of them?

Because potentially he can tell she still likes him. I see no issue with the request. Why invest time in someone who is hankering after someone else.

Op, do you still wish to be with the first guy?

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:42

@ravenmum
The context of that conversion was how his previous ex lied about meeting up with a client (who she ended up cheating on him with). We were talking about our past and he asked if mr situationship is still in touch and I said he was, at Christmas and NY. That's when he was wondering why would he still contact me if he was talking to someone. He then later in the conversation asked if an ex contacted me, would I let him know? sort of thing.

I'm not interested in Mr Situationship romantically at all. This new man is showing me what a healthy relationship looks like tbh and aside from some concerns here regarding him being potentially controlling ( which I don't quite see) I'm happy with him.

OP posts:
gallileofigaro · 25/03/2021 08:43

Firstly I'd do what you want to do.

Then consider if you tell either of them about each other.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 25/03/2021 08:44

No to the walk with the first guy. You are his backup girl, and you deserve better. Move on, don’t look back.

Yes, I would tell the second guy, because you said you would. However, I would also say to him that in hindsight, you aren’t sure you would or should have agreed to tell him, as at such an early stage in the relationship, this is a quite a personal request.

I’d tell him that as it sets boundaries for next time, but also because context is key here. He didn’t ask you to not see him etc, just to know he had been in touch. I could see myself asking (or wanting to know) the same thing, so I would know if my partner was back in touch with their ex and I was just a rebound or a good-time person and they were really going to go back to them.

ravenmum · 25/03/2021 08:44

Maybe I'm just too rigid in my thinking, but if I thought my date still liked his ex, I'd either give it a miss, or take the risk. I wouldn't say "Tell me if she contacts you" because if the contact was innocent it doesn't matter, and if the contact was not innocent, they'd either end it with me or not tell me... totally pointless asking them to report anyway.

On top of that, I wouldn't ask because to me it is most definitely a weird request.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 25/03/2021 08:47

@Bluntness100 No not all. I have been over him for some time now and made my peace with it.

I was wondering about the lovebombing too early on but I don't feel this is it. Time will tell but I am cautious in every relationship . I have told him I'm taking my time and he's respectful of that saying that he is an actions man so would like to prove to me that he isn't just saying things, that even if he did say intense things, it's only because he likes me and wants me to know it, but they're not empty words. He wants me to take all the time I need to trust him, his words and his actions and for him to earn that trust.

My eyes are wide open :)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 25/03/2021 08:48

Sounds like the new guy has issues from the cheating, then? But "if an ex contacted me, would I let him know?" is better than "You must tell me if X contacts you", I guess.

Journeynotdestination · 25/03/2021 08:49

I wouldn’t hesitate to tell Mr Intense. You agreed to do so after all. I’ve been in a relationship where my ex cheated and was a douche and I’d think given Mr Intense’s last relationship experience it would be respectful to let him know. If we aren’t honest early doors then what’s the point? If he’s being a decent guy, no red flags etc then I don’t see any control issues here. He just wants transparency. If the shoe was on the other foot wouldn’t you want to know? I would want to waste any time at all on someone who was still hung up on their ex, and how does he know you are not if you don’t reassure him?

Ponoka7 · 25/03/2021 08:49

Mr Situationship doesn't see you as a good friend, you're on the reserve bench. It isn't controlling to have doubts about a new bf/gf seeing an ex, unless they are properly friends, which you are not. Your ex wants sex/ego boost/someone to dump his crap on. Is that worth what it will cause in your new relationship and yourself?

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 08:54

piddocktrumperiness: I am thinking of telling Mr Situationship that I'm seeing someone and that out of respect it's not best to meet up. Then I was thinking of telling the man I am seeing that he's been in touch, seeing as I promised to do that.
...
You could tell your ex that, no harm in it. He obviously has friendly feelings towards you or at least regards you as a friend. Just be cautious as you were more invested in the relationship and hurt when it ended.

As for the man you are seeing, you have not been 'seeing' him for very long; he has no rights so tell him what you want or not, it isn't his business.

ekidmxcl · 25/03/2021 08:54

You are a fall back, comfortable old shoe for Mr Situationship. Don’t let him treat you like this. I’d cut contact. He just wants you to be a bit like his mummy and listen to his whining. He’s bringing you nothing in terms of friendship.

Regarding new man, hard to say. I do think given the way Mr Situationship behaves, that is is a reasonable request to know if he gets in touch. People cheat with exes a lot. New man has been the victim of this. I’d cut it off with Mr Situationship completely, for yourself, not just for new man

pog100 · 25/03/2021 08:56

Yes it's a weird and intrusive request and is possessive. If you tell him, because you promised you would, you need to tell him that you see it that way. See how he reacts to a push back, it might be illustrative.

greenlynx · 25/03/2021 08:58

I found this request from Mr Intense as bit strange. I would do as gallileofigaro suggested. Do what you want and then consider what to tell anyone. You could go and meet up Mr Relationship out of curiosity, not because you want to sleep with him.
The only thing I would consider could Mr Intense learn somehow about your meetings from someone else? So if he could , I would probably tell him first myself but very close to the meeting and in a notification style rather then asking his opinion.
However there is always an option not to meet up with Mr Relationship just because you don’t bother.

By the way I’m against too much intense talking about exes in principal. Aren’t there another topics?

Mumdiva99 · 25/03/2021 09:04

Your new man actually sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
Block the first man - he's using you when there is nothing better. Friends stay in touch and don't drop you and contact you 10 months later (unless they are lifelong friends but not ex bf)
Be honest with new guy. Why wouldn't you. If you can't be honest with him what hope is there for the future.