Seeing someone new- Ex wants to meet up for a walk. Advice plz

[piddocktrumperiness]

Morning
I went out with this guy for about 2 years- It was more of a situationship than a relationship tbh as he didn't want to put a label to it. We got on great, went away together and for the last 6 months of it were platonic. Needless to say this ended just before lockdown last year. His communication dithered (he lives an hour away) and we last met up in August after restrictions eased up.

He has said that he still sees me as a really good friend. I honestly struggled to get over him and all my insecurities surfaced. So I moved on, dated other men for a few weeks, focused on myself and my future. It is always him that reaches out (sporadically; at Christimas, NY etc)to check on how I'm doing and the last time we spoke was beginning of this year. In that conversation he said he's been 'talking' to someone and they get on great and he knew her through a friend. All good. He's asked whether I was seeing someone, and at that time no- I wasn't.

In the last month and a half I've been dating a man who is treating me well, is dependable, communicative and open and honest with me. We have lots in common and our times together are intense (as in we spend many hours together and ask v deep questions). I like him and he really likes me and has made it clear he would like a relationship with me. He has asked about my exes and my past and I was open about Mr Situationship. He has also asked me to let him know if Mr Situationship ever contacts me. I said ok.

I got a text from Mr Situationship on Monday night (after 10 smh) asking how I've been( not heard from him since Jan). I answered the text two days later. He has shared that he's been stressed with work and feeling a little depressed and asked if I would like to go for a walk. I've not replied.

I am thinking of telling Mr Situationship that I'm seeing someone and that out of respect it's not best to meet up. Then I was thinking of telling the man I am seeing that he's been in touch, seeing as I promised to do that.

I was just wondering whether the man I am seeing currently was right to ask for me to let him know, even if we've only been dating less than 2 months (not slept with each other yet). I'm also wondering whether I am right to say no to the other guy, even if I've known him much longer and we got on great.

What do you want with the new guy, decide if you really want to be with him, if you're trying to build a relationship, throwing another into the mix just gets confusing and waste of time with mr situationship. I'm thinking neither of these guys are right for you

You say you're not interested in mr situationship romantically anymore, is that really the truth? I wonder what's his intentions are though, with 'no label' on someone I'd just think he wants to meet, get his ego boosted attention again and go on to another on his 'friends' list

The thing with controlling men is they start off subtle....so you get suckered in. Right now you're thinking it's a reasonable request, but over time it becomes stronger so just be aware of this. They will often use past exes cheating as a reason, that's not your issue though and you don't have to start explaining yourself so early.

Situation guy I would not meet up with. You're definitely his fallback girl so best avoided.

Thank you all for your insights.

Yes I really am not interested in Mr Situationship. I'm looking for a healthy relationship, and he wasn't it. I feel more secure with this new man and would like to see how far it goes.

@seensome Thank you
I'm thinking neither of these guys are right for you
Can I ask why you think this?

I think what Mr New guy was trying to establish from our conversations is whether I 'would' tell him, i.e. transparency rather than actually meeting up and whatever. I think that is what he was trying to decipher rather than him insisting or instructing me to do so. I remember him saying something along the lines of "some people won't say if an ex called them because they got a text from them and in their minds it's completely different, whereas to me contact is contact you know?, would you let me know if your ex contacted you?"

Reading back on my post I can understand why it came across as that. Not sure if it still is coming across as controlling.

Based on the fact that you’ve been having intense conversations with new guy, I don’t think his request is that weird. I personally would tell him that MrS messaged, but keep an eye on it developing into something more controlling than that.

As for MrS, I’d reply and say you’re sorry he’s struggling but you’re seeing someone and don’t feel comfortable meeting him. Frankly, I’d ignore him after that. He’s keeping you around as a backup.

I'd get rid of them both but definitely just block Mr Situationship. He's just using you when he gets bored.

I personally think it stems from insecurity than from anything else- and his confusion as to why a guy would still get in touch if things are over type of thing. He said if there are no children involved exes are exes for a reason and he hasn't kept in touch with his- no ill will whatsoever but just that he wanted to move on and look for a healthy fulfilling relationship and hopefully his last.

Thank you all so much

I'm a little worried as to how many posts suggest for me to get rid of the new guy- I'd like to know why really. I may be seeing all this through rose tinted glasses and would appreciate some clarity

Aside from the insecurity which honestly I feel I would be a little if my ex cheated and lied to me- I wouldn't want my heart to break or to get hurt again he hasn't really shown any red flags. He is so different to what I normally get attracted/ attached to.

And toxic red flags are usually my type! hahahahaha

The reason I think that neither of them are right - the new guy, when you meet someone you really like and see it going somewhere, all other men are no longer an option, there would be no interest at all in meeting mr situationship. Mr S is not right as he's keeping his options open.

Sounds like the new guy wants to know if he is wasting his time with you or getting involved in relationship drama. If someone I was seeing for a few weeks had told me about a recent dysfunction relationship, I would be very wary.

The impression I get is that you keep letting a man who uses you back into your life. If so and I was dating you I would want to be able to exit the whole thing.

@seensome
ah ok- I thought it was something new guy said or did, but I think you're talking about my dealing with situation rather than him?

I'm a little worried as to how many posts suggest for me to get rid of the new guy- I'd like to know why really. I may be seeing all this through rose tinted glasses and would appreciate some clarity

Don’t be. Ltb and go NC is the default response here. If I thought someone I liked was maybe interested in someone else and it was unfinished business, I’d ask the same as he did. Nothing more behind it other than I don’t want to waste my time. If you want to see the other person then let me know and off you jog kind of thing.

I would cut your ties with the casual not putting a label on it relationship. You've been there done that and it didn't work. He'll just want to lean on you and maybe do his best to orchestrate a pity fuck.
Yes its a bit intense for the new bloke to ask if there's any contact with an ex at this stage but perhaps its coming from the point in that he really likes you and wants a fresh start. Which I can understand.
I regrettably got involved with someone that still had threads with an ex boyfriend in the form of a rather large joint credit card bill. She'd unwittingly lent him her gold credit card to 'live on' for a couple of weeks to just buy food and essentials until he started his new job. Then a bill a arrived through her letterbox and the twat had cleaned the credit out over the few weeks and bought himself an Audi TT. What a mess....glad I got away from that one!

You’re overthinking it all.
Tell the ex “no thank you. I’m not interested in seeing you again” then forget about it. There’s nothing to tell here. Get on with your life

New guy sounds insecure and controlling

I’m not sure if I’m reading it wrong, but I saw it as the new guy questioned ‘would you tell me if an ex got in touch?’ Rather than ‘can you tell me if an ex got in touch?’. I would think that maybe he is trying to establish what you are like as a person, your honesty, what you think of your relationship with him, etc, as opposed to him demanding that you tell him about any messages

@Ilovedacake
I believe this was his intention tbh

@autumnalrain I think he does have some insecurities but that stems from his last relationship. He hasn't displayed any controlling behaviours

As PP say. The new guy had no business asking you to let him know if the previous guy gets in touch with you. It's none of his business

The previous guy who didn't want to put a label on it (wtf?!) is a waste of your time & energy. I'd focus on the future not the past.

My ex left me a few weeks ago out of the blue. I changed my relationship status on fb and he now wants me back! I hate men!

“Based on the fact that you’ve been having intense conversations with new guy, I don’t think his request is that weird. I personally would tell him that MrS messaged, but keep an eye on it developing into something more controlling than that.

As for MrS, I’d reply and say you’re sorry he’s struggling but you’re seeing someone and don’t feel comfortable meeting him. Frankly, I’d ignore him after that. He’s keeping you around as a backup.”

This.

He said if there are no children involved exes are exes for a reason and he hasn't kept in touch with his- no ill will whatsoever but just that he wanted to move on and look for a healthy fulfilling relationship and hopefully his last.

But that doesn't mean you can't be friends with your exes or keep in touch if you want to. He's got to understand it's not like that for everyone.
I do think your overthinking this though. Tell ex that your seeing someone so can't meet for a walk. Mention to new guy that this happened, then carry on with new guy and see how it goes

The old guy is a waste of your time. Don’t see him.

The new guy might be weird, or might not be. You’ll know soon enough. I support your taking things slowly and would just recommend you don’t shag him until you’re 100% sure. Sex makes it so so SO much harder to act on red flags.

Good luck!

No to the walk with the first guy. You are his backup girl, and you deserve better. Move on, don’t look back.

Yes, I would tell the second guy, because you said you would.

This. Decline mr situationship. Tell him you are seeing someone and that, no you don't want to meet up, and its best he stops texting you.

Then tell the new guy this. You told him you'd let him know and if this relationship develops and you haven't told him it would be starting on lies.
Just be honest. Show him the messages even.
He may simply and tbh quite understandably be feeling a bit insecure with this ex of yours hanging around in the background and cropping up every so often.
Ditch Mr Situationship for good. Move on.

Do you actually want to meet with your ex? You aren't obliged to. I wouldn't bother personally.

No @IdblowJonSnow I don't. I don't really see the point and the fact that he has said the last time we spoke that he was dating someone, is a bit odd to me. I know he thinks of me as a good friend, but I can do without.

You have fallen into the female socialisation trap of not wanting to be mean.

Just jib off Mr Situation. He’s not a friend, he’s a man you used to sleep with who strung you along. I would personally be tempted to just not reply and block him - otherwise you’ll get drawn into conversation again and you’ll get angsty about it. Trust me - been there done that!

The other guy...well it’s been two months.