Seeing someone new- Ex wants to meet up for a walk. Advice plz

[piddocktrumperiness]

Morning
I went out with this guy for about 2 years- It was more of a situationship than a relationship tbh as he didn't want to put a label to it. We got on great, went away together and for the last 6 months of it were platonic. Needless to say this ended just before lockdown last year. His communication dithered (he lives an hour away) and we last met up in August after restrictions eased up.

He has said that he still sees me as a really good friend. I honestly struggled to get over him and all my insecurities surfaced. So I moved on, dated other men for a few weeks, focused on myself and my future. It is always him that reaches out (sporadically; at Christimas, NY etc)to check on how I'm doing and the last time we spoke was beginning of this year. In that conversation he said he's been 'talking' to someone and they get on great and he knew her through a friend. All good. He's asked whether I was seeing someone, and at that time no- I wasn't.

In the last month and a half I've been dating a man who is treating me well, is dependable, communicative and open and honest with me. We have lots in common and our times together are intense (as in we spend many hours together and ask v deep questions). I like him and he really likes me and has made it clear he would like a relationship with me. He has asked about my exes and my past and I was open about Mr Situationship. He has also asked me to let him know if Mr Situationship ever contacts me. I said ok.

I got a text from Mr Situationship on Monday night (after 10 smh) asking how I've been( not heard from him since Jan). I answered the text two days later. He has shared that he's been stressed with work and feeling a little depressed and asked if I would like to go for a walk. I've not replied.

I am thinking of telling Mr Situationship that I'm seeing someone and that out of respect it's not best to meet up. Then I was thinking of telling the man I am seeing that he's been in touch, seeing as I promised to do that.

I was just wondering whether the man I am seeing currently was right to ask for me to let him know, even if we've only been dating less than 2 months (not slept with each other yet). I'm also wondering whether I am right to say no to the other guy, even if I've known him much longer and we got on great.

I got red flags blazing as well I'm afraid. I can see why he'd want your to let him know, but asking that is a bit weird.

For reference, I know my husband has vaguely kept in touch with exes, and that's fine. I assume they don't talk frequently, and if they were I might be a tad concerned, but it's his business who he talks to. He is his own gatekeeper. And you are yours.

OP, it's a little bit concerning that you say you can't see any red flags here - especially in combination with you saying that you usually go for red flag men! Have you done the Freedom Programme after any of your previous relationships? Unfortunately people who have experienced toxic behaviour in a relationship tend to fall into subsequent relationships that are also toxic, though often in different ways so it's harder for the person to recognise (or they minimise small red flags because they're used to big ones and so ignore littler signs).

As people have already mentioned, the intensity itself is a red flag. Only six weeks in! Telling you their ex treated them poorly in a previous relationship and using this to control your behaviour in your relationship is another red flag. Either he trusts you're not going to cheat on him or he doesn't.

The suggestion to push back on something is an interesting one - have you ever disagreed with hew man, even about something insignificant like a takeaway choice?

Op. Do you still have feelings for the ex? You say you don’t want to meet him as he’s seeing someone else and it wasn’t healthy. But it reads like you still hold a torch for him? Is this the case. If you thought he was single and interested, properly, would you be in there?

Sounds like second guy likes you and wants to know if he's "in with a chance". No more. Bin first guy off and enjoy your new guy.

[quote piddocktrumperiness]@FelicityPike
Thank you. Mr Intense hasn't said he doesn't want me having male friends, he just asked if I'd let him know if an ex got in touch with me.[/quote]
Strange thing to say early on

Mr isn’t your friend , I’d cut him off .

I’m unsure with new guy whether it’s a red flag tho , I mean it could be , let’s face it even men who are awesome At the start can turn out to be absolute arseholes

But this could be something he has been burned by in the past n is trying to set a bit of a boundary / not waste his time ?!

I had an ex who it became clear hadn’t Totally let go of his ex nor she him , found it we’re still contacting each other etc . Not for me to much drama and not something I’d want to get into again !

Mr S I should say