'Wifey' and caring stuff is stressful and draining

[me4real]

Hi, this is SoulofanA, I outgrew my old username.

Am staying with my bestie (ex-partner) 'Graham' for lockdown and kind of resenting how much I'm doing. He has mobility problems, it's not his fault that it's easier if I fetch him a drink, cook for him etc.

Don't get me wrong, he does more than his share of chores. But left to my devices I like to veg out. I have ADHD so I'm really demotivated about things like that.

He has an operation coming up which he's worried/down about sometimes.

My father had some MH issues when I was growing up, and soon after bestie said that he was down about this operation, I started to get a lot of tinnitus and a bit of a headache sometimes (I'm not usually a headache person at all.) I actually went to A&E as it was like a condition I had years ago, but they said it was just a 'tension style headache' and they're probably right.

Some things are difficult such as Graham has a poor appetite as part of his health problems, so I have to try and encourage him to eat something for lunch and he says no etc.

We have completely different dietary requirements (his are genuine severe medical ones and also he needs things to be tempting) so I have to cook tea twice.

I did go back to mine for a couple of days the other week and it was nice, but I didn't feel I could stay there long as I know he doesn't like it (he's not manipulative about it, just you can tell he's disappointed.)

But anyway, that's how life is for me. Interested in your opinions.

You went to A&E with a headache?

The truth is caring responsibilities are not easy and without wishing to seem harsh not everyone is cut out for them even if they honesty want to be.

Not to mention that professional carers get breaks for a very good reason. I used to run teams of live in carers and there were good reasons why they were moved around regularly and breaks were very strictly adhered to. Doing it day in and day out is massively exhausting and frustrating.

Its not the persons fault ,of course it isn't but it is the reality.

So very often we would go in to assess a care package where the family had accepted they needed professional care support and we would come out afterwards wishing they had asked for it earlier because they were absolutely on their knees. It was heartbreaking to see the absolute devastation and exhaustion of family members who had been doing it for years out of love and meaning well and they were absolutely broken.

I'm not suggesting paid care but I am saying YNBU to see how incredibly demanding on your mind and body it can be. Everyone thinks care support is making someone a cup of tea and jolly ingredients them along.

It is not , even at a lower level its exhausting , stressful and relentless.

@Justcallmebebes I would be the last person to go to A&E but the wooshing noise, headache and stiff neck mimicked a condition I had in the past called Benign Intracranial Hypotension and that can damage the eyes etc. I spoke to my GP and she contacted the hospital in advance and it was she who told me to go there which she had already arranged with them.

You can't carry on being his carer, you are no longer in a relationship, hand the responsibility over to a professional or a member of his family.

You're not together and you have your own home.

Just go home and stay there.

That sounds horribly stressful OP. I think I'd have a tension headache too if I was responsible for taking care of another adult who could actually take care of himself and (at the risk of sounding heartless) sounds like a selfish arse. Why on Earth are YOU responsible for him? It's a bit weird being best friends with your ex, tbh, because it makes it hard for either of you to move on. I think you should relocate back to your own home, for starters. He sounds manipulative to me and why wouldn't he be when he can sit on his arse being 'sad', while you run around after him, making him 'tempting' meals, etc. Do you struggle with low self esteem OP, because I can't see anyone with good self esteem putting up with this shit. I know I sound harsh, but it's meant kindly!

@Shinyletsbebadguys Yes, I've done care work and that was bad enough but you sign off after the job. I've done cleaning for work too but motivating yourself for paid work and stuff you do at home is different. A consultant described an electrician with ADHD whose home was full of exposed wires etc.

I think how it's getting to me a little at the current time is partly because I've ended up in the same situation as I was in with my father as a child to some extent, or as my mum was with my dad.

As a feminist it unnerves me what I've ended up doing. My life is centred around a man and doing this stuff to support him.

If you're not happy there, go home?!

It's not sustainable for his care needs to be met like this. Can you find ways to help him be more independent? I'm sure there must be adaptations for people with mobility issues to live well. What do his medical advisors say? Usually being as active as you can is a good idea even if you have mobility issues, rather than sitting down all day.

Just saw your update - this sounds like an unhealthy, triggering situation for you. Why not live at your own home but just pop in every now and again, if you want to? You're able to choose how you live your life, don't feel trapped into repeating what happened in your childhood.

@zafferana You're right that we never moved on enough, I was celibate for 8 years in my 30s because I just hung round with my ex all the time. And people would just assume we were a couple.

Do you struggle with low self esteem OP, because I can't see anyone with good self esteem putting up with this shit

My self esteem has improved a lot in the last year or so. I think it's that I've somehow ended up recreating a family dynamic I saw in my childhood, along with all the ways we're taught by society to behave as women of course.

Why are you living with your ex when you have your own home to be in? Go back home and leave your ex as an ex

He was classed as CEV to COVID, so I did any shopping he needed etc. But he's had both his jabs now.

Go home.

But you're not a wifey? Why are you doing this?

@me4real

He was classed as CEV to COVID, so I did any shopping he needed etc. But he's had both his jabs now.

Okay, so it's time to detach a bit OP. You've helped him when he needed it, but for your own health and sanity I think you need to draw a line. Tell him you're going home and that you can't and won't continue to be his carer. By your own admission, he doesn't actually NEED you to do all this stuff - you're choosing to. And yes, it's hard to break the habits/conditionings of our childhoods, but you acknowledge that that's what this is and you can clearly see how fucked up it is, so now that you're being honest with yourself, be honest with him. Time to hoick up your big girl pants OP.

He can do his shopping online
Go back home

Shielding for CEV is no longer required from 1st of April so there is your circuit breaker. He can go out himself from then with the government's blessing. Tell him now that you will no longer be caring for him from then and will only be seeing his as an equal friend.

Agree with posters who say you need to get your life back. Being needed is definitely affieming up to a point, so I can see how this started, but that point has passed.

You need to take it as a given that you can't be there for ever. Get it clear in your mind, and then clear in everything you say and do, that obviously you can't do it for ever, therefore if Grahan tries to hang on to you,things are clearly framed that hes being unreasonable. Edge away, find stuff you have to do at home. The lifting of lockdown is your friend here,you need to get to the newly opened shops, bag stff up for charity shops, meet friends for outdoor socialising. Etc.

So does he of course, but it is Not Your Job to organise it for him

Oh, and feeding himself definitely is his responsibility. He isn't three, presumanly!!

@candycane222 He needs encouragement to eat and help preparing food as part of his disability. I get what you mean, though.

Go home. He's your ex! Start living your life.
Why on earth are you caring for him? If he needs help, call social services if you must but I assume he can pick up a phone.

Not sure I understand why he can't encourage himself? I'm guessing there may be a psychological component to his disabilty? If that's the case though, that is even more reason to extricate yourself, as he surely needs professional support to learn strategies to improve his eating - or he needs professional care if this isn't possible.

Otherwise, you are effectively infantilising him, however kindly your care is meant. That is beyond even what a wife would necessarily be expected to take on, IMO. It is more like a mum.

How would you ever get your life back if he stayed so dependent on you? If he can't manage to eat, he needs to find a way - even a carer coming in for half an hour to heat up something he likes, and sit with him - that givves him back his autonomy.

Go home. If he's 'disappointed,' well, so what if he is? He's an ex, it doesn't matter what he likes or doesn't like. Drop in once a week if you want to be a kind friend and do a couple that he genuinely can't manage.

You might want to Google 'co-dependency' too OP.

I think you might find it describes your relationship with 'Graham'.

What would you tell a friend in this situation?

Probably to go home and not feel obligated otherwise as this man’s situation is not your responsibility.

You need to step away from the fog that this mans ‘disappointment’ is clouding you with.