'Wifey' and caring stuff is stressful and draining

[me4real]

Hi, this is SoulofanA, I outgrew my old username.

Am staying with my bestie (ex-partner) 'Graham' for lockdown and kind of resenting how much I'm doing. He has mobility problems, it's not his fault that it's easier if I fetch him a drink, cook for him etc.

Don't get me wrong, he does more than his share of chores. But left to my devices I like to veg out. I have ADHD so I'm really demotivated about things like that.

He has an operation coming up which he's worried/down about sometimes.

My father had some MH issues when I was growing up, and soon after bestie said that he was down about this operation, I started to get a lot of tinnitus and a bit of a headache sometimes (I'm not usually a headache person at all.) I actually went to A&E as it was like a condition I had years ago, but they said it was just a 'tension style headache' and they're probably right.

Some things are difficult such as Graham has a poor appetite as part of his health problems, so I have to try and encourage him to eat something for lunch and he says no etc.

We have completely different dietary requirements (his are genuine severe medical ones and also he needs things to be tempting) so I have to cook tea twice.

I did go back to mine for a couple of days the other week and it was nice, but I didn't feel I could stay there long as I know he doesn't like it (he's not manipulative about it, just you can tell he's disappointed.)

But anyway, that's how life is for me. Interested in your opinions.

Go home. He's not your 'bestie', he's not even very nice to you. You deserve better.

What is his disability?

Definitely go home.
You have a life of your own.

Do you want to do this or not, it’s hard to tell? He’s your ex, he’s not your responsibility, and it’s not your life’s duty to skivvy for a man, but it sounds like you don’t want to stop? Are you just looking for a better balance?

Why are you choosing to be your exs nursemaid?
It's not your responsibility, it's just your choice. 🤷‍♀️

Really strange post. Nothing to add other than go home!

WTF! Just go home, he is zero responsibility of yours.

Please go home op. Reclaim your life.

Look up co dependency as suggested by pp. You're most likely replicating the dynamic between your parents, counselling would be good.

But. For the love of God, go home!

Why are you being such a martyr?

You don’t need to be there. Go home.

Please go home.
You’re wasting your life.

I did go back to mine for a couple of days the other week and it was nice, but I didn't feel I could stay there long as I know he doesn't like it (he's not manipulative about it, just you can tell he's disappointed.)

Too fucking bad! He doesn't own you. Go home! Get some help for your ADHD, you do not have to live like this.

But anyway, that's how life is for me. Interested in your opinions.

Only because you are allowing yourself to be used as a doormat.

You are not his wife, you are not together and he's using you.

Take back your control and power, go home and tell him you can't provide care anymore.

He's not a friend, he's a parasite.

@Justcallmebebes

You went to A&E with a headache?

I have twice but I also can't afford to take the risks after 2 serious brain injuries. The first time I ended up being admitted for 9 days. The second time I was told to go as I'd had a severe headache for 10 days and nothing was easing it. I also couldn't stand up or walk in a straight line. As soon as I was on the ward they were giving me aspirins to chew, I was hooked up to a drip with anti sickness and IV paracetamol and put on oxygen. It was only because I said I'd sleep better away from the noise and bright lights of the hospital that they agreed to let me out but if the pain scale switched from a 4-5 to anything higher I was to go straight back in no questions. That headache lasted a total of 21 days and completely wiped my memory out

It seems that you assumed a role of a mother. Is it possibly because it gives you a sense of being needed?

It’s fine to help someone. It’s also fine to stay with an ex in these times if you feel the need for company, etc. But this arrangement needs to work for both of you and give both of you something.
And - you need to NOT treat him as your responsibility.

He isn’t your child - so you don’t need to ‘entice’ him with food. He either eats or he doesn’t. His choice really. His choice vs consequences.....
(Come to think of it, beyond a certain tiny age that has always been my philosophy with my kids too)....

As to cleaning and cooking sharing - how has he survived before covid? Who did that for him then? You can’t do it all and feel like a martyr. Not good for you - and - gets him dependent on you in an unhealthy way.
What happens after covid when you go back???

Not sure I understand why he can't encourage himself? I'm guessing there may be a psychological component to his disabilty?

@candycane222 His condition causes him to have nausea to an extent that the sight of food makes him queasy. It's genuine, he's not being a wuss. It's maybe hard to understand if you don't have it. You might say that you've had that and managed to push through it, but there are obiously degrees of having it, to the extent that his is a recognized disability. He also gets a lot of fatigue (genuinely, it's a result of a physical condition) to the extent that it's difficult to motivate himself to go to the kitchen and fetch or make something. He often gets extreme dizziness on standing and has to stand still and grab on to something. More so than some people might say they manage to push through.

It's a chronic organ failure (not as a result of anything he's done) which effects a lot of activities. He's officially classed as severely disabled in many activities of daily living.

Saying that someone has a recognized, real disability that makes many activities difficult is not infantilizing it's a fact of many adult's lives that is real. I have a friend who has Spinal Muscular Atrophy, her muscles are genuinely atrophying, and she has to have carers get her out of bed, can't wipe her own bum etc. It's not infantiliizing her to state that unfortunate fact of her disability.

I know there are a lot of malingerers without genuine problems or who exaggerate their problems, but he's not really one of them, not 100% anyway.

What is his disability?

@RantyAnty I don't want to say anything that might be obvious to anyone who knows me who happens to be viewing the board, but it's something skeletal and also an organ failure.

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby Exactly, the GP actually called ahead to arrange for me to go the same evening that I spoke to her. I did it as a precaution really, due to the potentially serious condition I had in the past, which the symptoms resembled. It would've been irresponsible not to. I just do what I think I should do- and it was also what my GP said I must do the same day that I rang her as it could've been something serious.

Thanks for all the tips- I just need a nudge/push.

IDK about co-dependency as I'm capable of functioning on my own. I quite like my own company. That's part of why I'm finding it difficult.

Today I went in a couple of shops/ran errands and it was like I could breathe for those minutes.

I do need to just do it.

In other friendships/relationships I stopped doing stuff like this, mostly last year. This is about the only one where I still do it.

As a feminist I find it bloody daft.

A professional carer needs to support him, not you. I can't imagine a man doing this for an ex-girlfriend - it's always women getting sucked in to this stuff. Time we started saying 'no'.

He doesn't need encouragement to eat or he would have died living alone wouldn't he.

Do it or don't, but recognise it's your choice and you can go home any time. This sort of martyrdom isn't very nice.

Who tempted him to eat and prepared his meals before you moved in?

You are all right, he is underweight now and they are nagging him. But he could do more about it, like you can get calorifiic powder to add to your food. (He can't really have the Fortisips comfortably due to his organ failure.)

I do wish he would do a bit more to help him deal wiith the stress of stuff, such as he has upcoming operations. I know a lot of people have operations, but because of his condition there's often something upcoming nowadays. The organ failure maybe directly effects you mentally too.

He doesn't like that with Corona it's less easy to see a doctor IRL, but I know you just have to push for things enough. If you say you genuinely need an in-person appointment then they will give you one. I personally find the Zooms and phone calls more convenient.

Things do get harder for him as time goes on due to the effects of his conditions. But I get what you mean, when my mum left my dad he mysteriously got a grip fairly quickly.

Does your "bestie" ever worry about you and your needs?

To say that he gets disappointed when you had some you-time perhaps deserves some exploration imo.
Panicked, yes; frightened, adrift etc but disappointed?
That's usually my reaction when one of the grandkids is naughty.

You are getting some brusque replies but in this day and age women should not become the defacto carer, especially for an ex

I hope you sort this out because it sounds stressful and it may be potentially something that could continue for months.

Why do you need to do it?
Is he employing you?
Will you be arrested if you stop?

You don't need to do it, you choose to do it.

They question is why are you choosing to?

Panicked, yes; frightened, adrift etc but disappointed? That's usually my reaction when one of the grandkids is naughty.

Aww I didn't mean disappointed in me, I mean disappointed as in sad that I was going.

Does your "bestie" ever worry about you and your needs?

He is pretty good to be fair. Though I have thought based on some stuff on threads that maybe some of it is/was controlling, for instance he would do the classic offering to pick me up after a night out thing.

I have bipolar and stuff so my life might've been more chaotic in the past without him around. He's 14 years older, maybe kept me on the straight and narrow in the past, but at 44 I'm fairly sensible nowadays.

Yes, I'm really into my feminism, to the extent I think my life should centre women, but instead I'm running round after a man sometimes.

You don't need to do it, you choose to do it. The question is why are you choosing to?

@VettiyaIruken I would feel guilty if I didn't. But I suppose I'd stop feeling that after a while.

You keep mentioning you're a feminist....why is that?

Is it that you feel your life doesn't objectively match the way you view yourself? So you keep insisting you're one despite how you have centred your existence around your male friend?

Is it that you want to feel like you have chosen to be his carer, so this decision still fits in with feminist ideals?

Why do you feel you can't scale back on this caring role?

Are you getting paid to be his carer?

Why did you split up, if you don't mind answering?

You keep mentioning you're a feminist....why is that? Is it that you feel your life doesn't objectively match the way you view yourself? So you keep insisting you're one despite how you have centred your existence around your male friend?

I'm not insisting I am one to make an impression on any of you. I am one and I think I should be acting differently to be coherent with my values.

Why do you feel you can't scale back on this caring role?

I would feel guilty if I left him in the lurch. I think he would struggle mentally.

Are you getting paid to be his carer?

No.

Why did you split up, if you don't mind answering?

@IndecentCakes The first time we split up was just because I stopped finding him attractive, and I gave as the reason that he was a sex pest (he really regretted that after we split up, and realized it was wrong. I know it's rare for them to change, but he did in that respect.)

The second time we split up was because I realized the sex had always been really bad and I wanted more from my sex life. He's never been good at PIV, which I really enjoy. He either comes too soon as that's just what he's like (he would truly want not to be like that but can't seem to help it, though I suppose he could've seen his GP or something) or he can't get an erection at all due to his health.

I wouldn't want to get back to him as I don't fancy him.

Why are YOU his carer?

Hi OP - sorry if I offended you. I hadn't realised he was so ill - but still, if he's in possession of his faculties it is up to him, not you, to devise the best strategies to stay nourished and healthy, as I think you appreciate. I can quite see getting out of this situation is going to be harder than getting into it was, but if he is so poorly he needs this level if care, that still doesn't mean you have to be the one providing it - even if that would be his preference.

How would you feel if the situations were re versed? Would he give up his life to card for you? Would you expect him to. (I wonder if he ought to have a think about that too. )