'Wifey' and caring stuff is stressful and draining

[me4real]

Hi, this is SoulofanA, I outgrew my old username.

Am staying with my bestie (ex-partner) 'Graham' for lockdown and kind of resenting how much I'm doing. He has mobility problems, it's not his fault that it's easier if I fetch him a drink, cook for him etc.

Don't get me wrong, he does more than his share of chores. But left to my devices I like to veg out. I have ADHD so I'm really demotivated about things like that.

He has an operation coming up which he's worried/down about sometimes.

My father had some MH issues when I was growing up, and soon after bestie said that he was down about this operation, I started to get a lot of tinnitus and a bit of a headache sometimes (I'm not usually a headache person at all.) I actually went to A&E as it was like a condition I had years ago, but they said it was just a 'tension style headache' and they're probably right.

Some things are difficult such as Graham has a poor appetite as part of his health problems, so I have to try and encourage him to eat something for lunch and he says no etc.

We have completely different dietary requirements (his are genuine severe medical ones and also he needs things to be tempting) so I have to cook tea twice.

I did go back to mine for a couple of days the other week and it was nice, but I didn't feel I could stay there long as I know he doesn't like it (he's not manipulative about it, just you can tell he's disappointed.)

But anyway, that's how life is for me. Interested in your opinions.

@candycane222 I wasn't offended, I just don't want to talk unduly meanly about him. I already have really.

He has been pretty supportive to me whenever I've been ill or anything.

I'm going to do this soon, sisters. Go back to mine, I can still see him for coffees and stuff. I'll probably still end up staying over here sometimes, but try not to get dragged in to it being most of the time again.

Btw - there are genuine reasons to go to a&e with a headache if it is v severe, sudden and out of the ordinary. If a gp is available, good to ask them first, or call 111 if unsure.

Ok I understand. Good luck!

Why don’t you live at your home fully and meet up for dates or the odd day together.

[quote me4real]@candycane222 He needs encouragement to eat and help preparing food as part of his disability. I get what you mean, though.[/quote]
So how did he manage before you moved in?

Does not sound like he’s your “ex”?

Sounds like a relationship or career situation

You do it because you love him = relationship

You do it because he needs you = career

Calling him a “bestie” and “ex” hides the fact you are in a relationship I think?

Question is, does this relationship work for you?

Not career.... CARER (autocorrect can eff off)

1. What does feminism have to do with this? You are choosing to care for him. Why is his gender important and what would the difference be if your ex was a woman?

2. Stop complaining about doing something you don't need to do. Do it gladly or don't do it at all. Otherwise you'll both be worse off. He can easily pay for a less begrudging carer through pip.

3. Perhaps get some counseling and self care. You don't need to care for others to have worth

Btw - there are genuine reasons to go to a&e with a headache if it is v severe, sudden and out of the ordinary. If a gp is available, good to ask them first, or call 111 if unsure.

@Namenic Yes, I spoke to my GP and she actually phoned ahead to arrange for me to be seen.

@PrintempsAhoy He's 'just' my best friend. I'm not attracted to him or anything. Just got myself in a bit of a bind.

What does feminism have to do with this? You are choosing to care for him. Why is his gender important and what would the difference be if your ex was a woman?

@Namechanged1321 Because I don't think most people would do this for a female friend, move in intermittently long term etc. I said to a therapist I was seeing for other stuff that it didn't seem right to me to spend almost all my time doing stuff for a man like this. She asked if I would do the same for a female friend and I said yes, but of course I wouldn't. I'd have a normal friendship with them- help them out sometimes but it wouldn't take up a large chunk of virtually every day for years on end.

He gets PIP but I think a lot of people with disabilities don't want randoms in the house or to admit to themselves that they need that type of care. He spends most of it on a motorbility car, or he wouldn't be able to get around at all, to any shops or anywhere easily.

I don't think I feel as if my self worth depends on doing this. Maybe in the past but not now. But I maybe would feel like a bad person if I didn't.

I'm going to try to go back to mine today though and ideally stay there. Usually if I go back I feel I have to only do it for a couple of days or something.

I don't think this is a feminist issue at all. I don't think most people would do this for an ex partner or friend - give up their own life for them. This is some kind of co-dependence you have with your ex. It's literally nothing to do with feminism.

I don't think this is a feminist issue at all. I don't think most people would do this for an ex partner or friend - give up their own life for them. This is some kind of co-dependence you have with your ex. It's literally nothing to do with feminism.

I think it's both, well I know it's both. I shouldn't do it for anyone but I wouldn'tve got into this situation with a female friend. You can think what you like but that is a fact and it's partly due to female socialization. It effects different women in different ways. Just because it doesnt effect every other woman in that particular way doesn't mean it's not partly as a result of that.

But anyway- I'm home

He cried and stuff (he isn't being manipulative- he just really likes me. There's no accounting for taste. )

But I'm here- yay! Going to try not to get sucked back in again. Happy to meet him for coffees and trips out and stuff (I do all that stuff too much too really though, I see him about 3 or 4 times a week for several hours even when I'm not living there) but going to try not to end up living there again.

Well, I shouldn't say 'try' really, I should just say I'm not going to do it.

Other women do other things as a result of female socialization, like put up with wanker husbands for decades or whatever.

Sorry, are you really saying that you think there is an army of women out there being full time carers for their ex's and living at their houses because they have been conditioned by the patriarchy? Because that is complete nonsense. I've literally never in my life heard of an instance of a women moving in to be a carer for her ex. This is 100% a co-dependency issue. Society certainly does not condition women to give up their lives for their exes. Pure nonsense.

You're right, you shouldn't do it for anyone. Don't try to blame your own issues on the rest of society.

@TheWaif, No, as I clearly said, other women do other things. Most women have something at some point in their life they do as a result of female socialization. I'm not saying it's not also other things or can't be viewed through other paradigms. You are denying it's a factor- I'd say (well it is) several factors. This is my life so I would know- you're not me.

Maybe it wouldn't be as relevant for other women, but I'm a radical feminist and if it wasn't for this bloke I'd be more of a separatist ideally. What I meant by mentioning it at all, was to me my feminism means that this is a thing I don't feel I should be doing, that's all. So it's relevant because my life isn't/wasn't cohering with my values. And patriarchy can be part of the reason a woman doesn't adhere to her values and can end up serving a man. You can believe that or not if you want. That is my belief as a radical feminist.

I'm prepared to accept that my childhood, issues etc might also be part of it. You could also consider seeing it from my worldview. It's not an either/or, it can be a bit of both. Childhood/issues/ 'co-dependency' if you want to call it can also be part of female socialization. We see our mothers serve men with their emotional labour or whatever, and others around us growing up, and so it can have an effect on us.

It might effect you or others in a different way and result in different life circumstances- that doesn't mean it doesn't effect me in this particular way and result in these circumstances.

If that's not part of/the way you view the world then fair enough, but it is part of how I view it.

You call it what you want and I'll call it what I want. You have your world view and I'll have mine.

Anyway, hopefully it's done for now.

All I was saying is a woman running round after a man is kind of unfeminist. I had no idea that was controversial.

OP I'm in a very very similar situation to you. Was with partner for about 10 years, not a good relationship. I moved out, was meant to have a shiny new life. Didn't happen. Got sucked back in. He has genuine mobility problems, now the mental health and behavioural issues I've always seen have suddenly become a useful asset to him to get his own way with certain outside agencies so these are now being explored.
I do it because if I didn't see him I wouldn't see anyone, despite working full time. I've now got depression and anxiety.
My advice to you, as per everyone else, detach detach detach. Your's will be fine, he'll manage. Put yourself first. This is your life, please don't waste it.

@Vegetar Yes, we're really not alone.

I do it because if I didn't see him I wouldn't see anyone, despite working full time. I've now got depression and anxiety.

Sorry to hear that. Yes, it is easy to get stuck in it if we're socially isolated, especially when there's been Corona and even less chance to see people.

Hopefully we'll have more chance to do stuff soon and make new friends.

Are you getting much help for your depression and anxiety? Having left should help me- sometimes it's actions that help, isn't it?

Are you living with him at the moment? Or 'just' seeing a lot of him/very involved in his life?

now the mental health and behavioural issues I've always seen have suddenly become a useful asset to him to get his own way with certain outside agencies so these are now being explored.

Sounds nasty. What sort of thing's going on? If you feel able to share. x

Are you getting much help for your depression and anxiety? Having left should help me- sometimes it's actions that help, isn't it?

@Vegetar Don't get me wrong- get any other help you need too. Is there anything else you could do to detach, or help you to detatch?

Not living together, I have a good place I can retreat to but even that feels like more work, two homes to deal with.
Not getting help or support with anything, not enough hours in the day. He's got professionals bending over backwards while I have no one to even ask if I'm ok, I'm old and knackered and I've been dealing with this for fifteen years and I don't feel ok. Even his mother asks, on the rare occasions he does actually go out, why couldn't I have dealt with whatever it was for him.
Interesting thread and everyone's answers to you really resounded with me, I agree with them all. It's the advice I'd give myself and that I've been given by friends. Just wanted to reply to say I know how this, unusual, situation feels.
What are you going to do?

I don't think it's all that unusual even, a lot of women end up feeling they have to do things for exes to one extent or another. I'm not saying it's a good thing though.

What are you going to do?

@Vegetar I'm home, which is a big improvement hopefully. Just got to not end up back there now. Expect I'll still see him a fair bit. How often do you see your one? Could you get a cleaner once a week to do the basics at your house? Would be about £30 or something. I live on a low income, but did it when I had anaemia. Have you had much treatment for your mental health? You could go back and tell your GP/consultant how you're feeling? There are loads of different things they can try. If you can budget therapy I'd recommend it if you haven't had much recently- or get on the NHS list/some GPs offer stuff. I'm on quite a low income but I prioritized it and I think it was worth it. If you can't afford it weekly, you could try fortnightly. They're all offering stuff on Zoom/via video, which I've found is just as good.

I wouldn't have therapy over this particular issue yet, as I know what I have to do and keep doing, I just have to do it.

Could you have less to do with him? Some of these professionals could get him some help with the chores or whatever. If you stop doing some of the stuff they might see the need as the place would get a bit skankier or whatever.

That's annoying of his mum.

I used to expect him to die soon, but we've been thinking that for about 18 years. I used to think 'when he dies I'll do X, Y, Z' and have flights of fancy about it.

I'm being mean really, he's not a bad guy usually, I just got myself in a situation. Is yours really annoying/nasty?

I'm really confused

Did Graham even ask you to do this?

Did Graham even ask you to do this?

@AcornAutumn IDK How often it works like that. Mind you, that might be even harder as some people find it hard to say no. I am getting better at these things though.

He would've been a bit buggered at various times as there were some things he couldn't do. He wouldn't want to have a care assistant in or anything.

He definitely asked me to do some stuff around the house and there was a sad face pulled if I left and stuff.

He would've struggled during Corona and at other times in the past.

Your reply hasn't clarified much

But you say "He wouldn't want to have a care assistant in or anything."

So he can manage alone.

Go and enjoy your life. He's taking the piss.

Honestly, there seem to be so many people desperate to be givers on MN - where do I find such a person? I'm not even joking.

Op you're getting some very harsh responses here.

You were stuck in a rut, in a relationship/friendship that wasn't working for you any more.

I think you've done amazingly well to extricate yourself from this situation, and deserve to feel proud of yourself. That's truly feminist, to have exercised your power.

I would advise that you don't see him for a while just yet, a bit of distance is needed right now.

What will you do with your new found freedom, I bet you have a whole bucket list?

Update: Am still at my place, not stayed over there at all since.

I still see him for a couple of hours several times a week for a coffee etc, but it feels more voluntary. He's ok to hang out with sometimes really, I just have to make sure it's things I want to do rather than feel I should. Getting too old for that- life's too short.

@Vegetar - how're you getting on?

[quote me4real]@candycane222 He needs encouragement to eat and help preparing food as part of his disability. I get what you mean, though.[/quote]
This is not your job though. You’re not his carer. You shouldn’t be taking care of him. He needs formal care - he can’t and shouldn’t have to rely on your goodwill. It’s not fair on either of you.