Is it him or me?

[Insomnia732929]

Been dating a guy for 2/3 months. Really enjoy each other’s company, get on well, feel a connection between us. All good, except he keeps going hot and cold and it’s driving me mad, hence being awake at 4am thinking about it

As an example, one week he will be really full on - texting all day, multiple phone calls a day - and the following week he will almost go off the radar. The last time we spoke was Sunday morning, he hasn’t responded to my texts from then, mid conversation . Another time, he asked to call me and had a really serious tone on the phone, and said he’d decided he didn’t see a future between us. I was understandably upset but thanked him for being upfront, we had plans for later the same day which couldn’t be cancelled so we (probably stupidly) still went together, at the end of the evening after dropping me off home he told me he really regretted saying what he said, he did see a future and want to work toward a relationship.

He doesn’t have a girlfriend or anything like that - I’ve met his family and close friends (allowed where I am!) and I can’t work it out.

Because he has been quite full on, it’s hard for me to judge if the random lack of communication is closer to the normal dynamic when you’ve been dating someone for a couple of months. We both work FT, I WFH so have more free time.

Any advice welcome! Feeling quite stressed out, as I really like him.

He needs to realise the impact of what he said to you. I think he is enjoying playing with your feelings and this is just the beginning of the relationship. He's trying to boiel the frog in the pan to boost his ego. Remember the good bits aren't worth what he is putting you through. I think you should disconnect from him, he deserves to be rejected after the way he's behaved. I feel angry for you.

Boil 😁

Seriously I would block him and not contact him again. You deserve better than this idiot's crumbs.

Always ask yourself if you would treat someone the way he is treating you.

When a man shows you who he is believe him. He is unlikely to change unless there is a really good reason he is hot and cold. Point in question, I had a boyfriend years ago who was going through a stressful situation and displayed behaviours similar to yours. However, he had the guts to sit me down and tell me why he was doing this and behaving this way as he wasn't coping well with his external situation. Ask him if there is anything going on that might cause this, if not then he is not worth your time.

God he sounds exhausting, I’d be really up front with him and say his running hot and cold is too much and call it a day - why let him call all the shots? It’s just plain rude to ignore you for no reason

He’s just wasting your time

Knock it on the head and move on.

He's a head fuck. Never stick around for someone who plays hot and cold and creates drama by randomly declaring there's no future. It's all about getting you insecure and needy, all about control and fucking with you.

The hot and cold thing will end up being pure torture for your emotions. You will get addicted to the highs but the lows will be agony. It's a really unhealthy dynamic and even if you draw back when he goes cold you will still be in that push pull action which personally I hate. I would talk to him first and explain how you feel, if he doesn't stop it then finish it. You don't need a lifetime of that.

If you're awake at 4am wondering what's going on with him, he's messing with you. Not worth the good bits. Let him go and mess someone else up.

If you're having to put time and energy into figuring out someone's behaviour, it's a big fat warning that they are going to cause you heartache, headaches and sleepless nights and make you question what you're doing wrong. Walk away!

What does "work towards a relationship" mean? Did he say this in those words? Because if so, there's something about this that sounds really odd to me, almost as though he expects it to be a struggle!

I would think he still dating around, that's why he's hot and cold, very rude of him to disappear mid convo and ghost. He has told you before that he can't see a future but still talking to you giving you mixed messages.

I would completely ignore any future messages from him, leave them on read and force yourself to not respond, he'll wonder why the hell he's not desirable anymore. Please don't contact him, keep your self respect and carry on looking to date someone else.

Yes, I think he's keeping his options open whilst keeping you dangling.

Probably still on the dating apps - too stupid to be able to juggle too many girls at once

@ScottChegg

What does "work towards a relationship" mean? Did he say this in those words? Because if so, there's something about this that sounds really odd to me, almost as though he expects it to be a struggle!

More like he's determined to make it a struggle for OP.

Emotional abuse starts like this, playing hot and cold, intermittent reinforcement, love-bombing, making himself a prize to be won round. Make the victim feel brilliant, pull out rug from under them, hook them on the drama so it's all they can think about, and their self esteem plummets.

I'm not saying this is the case with him but be careful that he does not suffer with mental health problems. My now ex partner used to do this but in reality he was covering for periods where he was struggling due to severe depression. All the other times he hid it very well, so much so that we went on to live together and then I saw it for myself. If I had known the truth I wouldn't have continued the relationship to be honest but after a really difficult few years it was one of the factors why I ended it.

So it's all eyes on him every day to see if this is a day he dishes out attention or keeps the door shut. Duck that for a game of soldiers. That connection might feel real but it is part-time cos it isn't enough to make him be consistently respectful to you. Yuck. Who ramps up someone's feelings and then can't be arsed unless they have no respect for the fact you are a real person with actual feelings. Please don't waste your time with him. Escape while you are not in more deeply.

If he genuinely liked you, he would NEVER risk jeopardising things by calling things off. He wouldn’t have even had those thoughts, let alone voiced them.
I suspect he thinks he has other options so is keeping you in the picture until he decides what to do. This will not get any better. It’s a complete headf**k for you and you need to move on, don’t be an option for him. He’s treating you badly already.

I had an ex behave like this for around 18 months. It was miserable from start to finish. It will probably progress, (as mine did), to him making plans with you, but then standing you up, or disappearing a couple of days before you're due to meet, so you have no idea whether things are still on or off. You will waste SO much time and energy on this man, agonising over what he's thinking, what you've done to upset him, how can you make things better, is he going to reply, why isn't he replying. It will suck the joy out of your life.

Similar to @gonnabeok, mine claimed he was suffering with his MH when he went off radar for periods, he would frequently tell me he'd had a breakdown and was really struggling, although I admit to being sceptical. He always seemed to be able to drag himself to the pub or the golf course during these 'episodes'.

I'd get out now before you get too invested.

Dump him. You don't need this kind of ill treatment in your life.

It is both of you: he is avoidant, and you are playing into this by staying.

I agree he is an avoidant. Wants a relationship but when you get too close he runs or cuts you off to keep a distance between you, then comes back when he feels safer. And then the dance begins again.

He has big issues with intimacy which will only be resolved with lots of therapy. You may want to look at your own attachment style. You may be anxious preoccupied which is the perfect match for this type of relationship.

Save yourself the misery of a dysfunctional relationship seek out a secure person who is able to give and receive the love you deserve.

It's him. Personally I wouldn't bother diagnosing him, not worth the effort.

@category12

That's kind of what I meant! Like he's allowed his true intentions to slip out!

Things I have had to work towards - a degree, losing three stone, getting out of debt.

Things I have never had to work towards - a relationship.

@Insomnia732929

It's him

It's all him

You've been seeing each other for 2-3 mths, and already he's fuking with your emotions deliberately*.

He's switching from love bombing to ghosting on purpose !

Unless you actually want your mental and physical health to nosedive and for your happiness to depend on HIS mood , then dump him and block him pronto !!