Is it him or me?

[Insomnia732929]

Been dating a guy for 2/3 months. Really enjoy each other’s company, get on well, feel a connection between us. All good, except he keeps going hot and cold and it’s driving me mad, hence being awake at 4am thinking about it

As an example, one week he will be really full on - texting all day, multiple phone calls a day - and the following week he will almost go off the radar. The last time we spoke was Sunday morning, he hasn’t responded to my texts from then, mid conversation . Another time, he asked to call me and had a really serious tone on the phone, and said he’d decided he didn’t see a future between us. I was understandably upset but thanked him for being upfront, we had plans for later the same day which couldn’t be cancelled so we (probably stupidly) still went together, at the end of the evening after dropping me off home he told me he really regretted saying what he said, he did see a future and want to work toward a relationship.

He doesn’t have a girlfriend or anything like that - I’ve met his family and close friends (allowed where I am!) and I can’t work it out.

Because he has been quite full on, it’s hard for me to judge if the random lack of communication is closer to the normal dynamic when you’ve been dating someone for a couple of months. We both work FT, I WFH so have more free time.

Any advice welcome! Feeling quite stressed out, as I really like him.

he’d decided he didn’t see a future between us. I was understandably upset but thanked him for being upfront, we had plans for later the same day which couldn’t be cancelled so we (probably stupidly) still went together, at the end of the evening after dropping me off home he told me he really regretted saying what he said, he did see a future and want to work toward a relationship

It is him AND it is you. Have some self respect OP, if someone dumps you why would you go out with him again? This is where you went wrong, and he now knows that he can fuck around with you and you will still be there to take it.

Exactly, I saw a guy for a while who would talk the talk then disappeared. He reappeared a few weeks later with excuses so I gave him one more chance, and told him that was all he'd get.
He did the same again and I blocked him.
He managed to contact me another way a third time with another load of excuses and why didn't I try to contact him instead of blocking etc. but I told him fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me a third time - there won't be a third time. And then I completely blocked him on everything.
I'm not even sure why he used to disappear, but it didn't really matter why anyway. The fact is, he kept doing it despite me telling him what the consequences would be.

Dump him before he dumps you. Sounds like he's not that into it

It sounds to me as though he's using you until someone " better" comes along. He will dump you sooner or later. I'd take the upper hand and end it now, before he does and before he hurts you.

I’ve removed him off social media and deleted his number. He’s made no attempt to reach out, I don’t expect him to.. feel really disappointed about how this turned out

I haven’t bothered telling him, I don’t think it will achieve anything and he clearly doesn’t value communication anyway

@Insomnia732929

I’ve removed him off social media and deleted his number. He’s made no attempt to reach out, I don’t expect him to.. feel really disappointed about how this turned out

The disappointment will pass but you've done the the right thing and dodged a bullet there.

Better to have ended it now than endure another cycle of hot and cold behaviour and further messing with your head and emotions. They only get more difficult to untangle from after a while and like pp said, you'll probably have ended up posting about being in a toxic relationship later on.

You've done the right thing...it's draining and horrible how he's behaving. I had this hot / cold cycle and it just makes you question yourself and feel terrible.

Not worth it.

You have done the right thing.

He was wasting your time.

@Insomnia732929

I’ve removed him off social media and deleted his number. He’s made no attempt to reach out, I don’t expect him to.. feel really disappointed about how this turned out

You've have achieved a decision that takes some people a really long time to realise they need to do. It is disappointing, when you felt something that could have been great only to find the total package was flawed. All you can do is remember you have freed yourself up for the real deal and this experience will be useful to help you recognise it when it happens. I hope you have some nice options you can use to make yourself feel a little better.