Is it him or me?

[Insomnia732929]

Been dating a guy for 2/3 months. Really enjoy each other’s company, get on well, feel a connection between us. All good, except he keeps going hot and cold and it’s driving me mad, hence being awake at 4am thinking about it

As an example, one week he will be really full on - texting all day, multiple phone calls a day - and the following week he will almost go off the radar. The last time we spoke was Sunday morning, he hasn’t responded to my texts from then, mid conversation . Another time, he asked to call me and had a really serious tone on the phone, and said he’d decided he didn’t see a future between us. I was understandably upset but thanked him for being upfront, we had plans for later the same day which couldn’t be cancelled so we (probably stupidly) still went together, at the end of the evening after dropping me off home he told me he really regretted saying what he said, he did see a future and want to work toward a relationship.

He doesn’t have a girlfriend or anything like that - I’ve met his family and close friends (allowed where I am!) and I can’t work it out.

Because he has been quite full on, it’s hard for me to judge if the random lack of communication is closer to the normal dynamic when you’ve been dating someone for a couple of months. We both work FT, I WFH so have more free time.

Any advice welcome! Feeling quite stressed out, as I really like him.

That's all very dramatic for a period of time in a relationship that's supposed to be pretty much issue free...not a good sign for the future, take your power back from his hands and tell him it's not working for you

Honestly he’s a twat. Protect yourself and bin him off fast. No one needs this shit.

Oh and when he ghosts it’s because he thinks he’s a chance with someone else

Never be someone’s back up plan. End it and block.

[quote updownroundandround]@Insomnia732929

It's him

It's all him

You've been seeing each other for 2-3 mths, and already he's fuking with your emotions deliberately*.

He's switching from love bombing to ghosting on purpose !

Unless you actually want your mental and physical health to nosedive and for your happiness to depend on HIS mood , then dump him and block him pronto !![/quote]
This.

Thank you for all the repsonses - sorry for abandoning this thread today, I’ve been so exhausted after not sleeping properly last night that I’ve been doing the bare minimum to function! It’s all really affecting my mood - in the end I messaged him this morning pretty much saying let’s leave things here, he had a huge speech prepared about how he has had so much going on with family and that if I’d simply called him he could have explained that as if the burden is on me to chase him up when he ignores me!

We spoke for a bit and he basically tried to bullshit his way out of it, he’d tried to make plans over the weekend for during this week/ the weekend coming but he didn’t mention those snd was a bit rubbish about it all, skirted around the topic. Exhausting.

I know I have to end this now, I’m certain he’s playing mind games. How best do I end it - ignore and block? Or send a message ending it then block? I don’t want to be drawn back in, but I also don’t want him to attempt to contact me elsewhere with questions if I don’t actually end things.

You're right, it really wasn't up to you to chase him with a phone call after he ignored you. I wouldn't put any effort in getting this connection going again just for the same to happen again, he's soured the whole thing now. Just block and delete, he doesn't deserve an official ending.

You took back the control; that’s what he has the hump about! Just don’t reply. Or if you must, say, ‘having reflected, as said earlier, let’s leave it there as I don’t see a future.’

So he acts uncaring, acts unkind, treats you like nothing and it’s YOUR fault for not asking? He’s gaslighting you! None of this is your fault, it’s all in him. He’ll use this tactic and many more classic player tactics more and more if you decide to keep going with him. It’ll erode your self esteem and you’ll really lose sight of yourself over time. You need to set solid boundaries for yourself about how you expect to be treated and stick to them. Not with this guy though please, he sounds like a tosser.

OP,

Total head fxxk is right.

He will pursue you now as you have backed off.

He's a waster.

A waster of your time.

Not worth another thought.

Block.

You're looking for reasons to stay engaged. His answers this time might change but his behaviour next time will be the same.
You owe him nothing at this stage, after these incidents so I would just remove all contact possibilities, delete his phone number block him on everything. Then spend a qeek or so licking your wounds (being greatful they're quite shallow at this point) then move on with a lesson learned.
If you really want to end it, send a short message along the lines of this isn't working, take care, then remove, block and delete number.
If you know you need to end it and don't want to be drawn in again then end it and remove the power he has to do just that.
If not, well without being unkind, you'll be posting quite a few threads about him and how you're trapped in a toxic dysfunctional relationship over the coming months. Don't do it to yourself, cut your losses now.

Text and block. Don’t trap yourself in an unhappy relationship.

You've already sent him one message saying let's leave things there. You're done. Just block and ignore, because apart from for any of the other excellent reasons, you can't trust yourself not to dance the dance with him while you have residual feelings. Shut. The. Door.

Tell him you can't be arsed with his bullshitery. Then block.

Yeah text and block. I once had a guy do a disappearing act on me for a few months so I started seeing other people not thinking much of it. He then called me out of the blue saying I was 'his girl' and he missed me blah blah blah. Needless to say he got an earful and my taxi driver was highly amused saying 'you tell him love!'

Men really will show you when they're interested and won't play games when they actually want to be with you. Sorry you've had to deal with this fuck boy!

Move on

Just seen your update.
He didn't bother responding to you for ages and then when you said you'd had enough he tries to make out it wasn't his fault at all. Classic.

Oh and he will try and get you back again, when it suits him. Block him in every possible way you can. Expect him to show up at your house too.
(Voice of experience)

Even if he hadn't said what he said, I'd still walk away. The hot and cold thing is, at best rude, at worst trying to lower your expectations of him. Just no

Good grief, he’s a knob and a half, isn’t he?

I agree with PPs. He’s an absolute head fuck. You owe him nothing so don’t feel remotely bad about dumping him. He’s messing you about good and proper and then trying to put the blame at your door. Block him, forget about him and move on. If you don’t, he’ll come back in a few weeks and then dump you because he doesn’t like you taking the power back.

Well done OP. Glad you are prioritising yourself. If he is behaving like this in such early stages he will only get worse.

You have had a conversation. You don't owe him anything. For clarity I would text then block. But just blocking is also fine.

Onwards and upwards op. The longer you allowed this to go on the harder it would be to ditch him. Well done for getting out now, you deserve better.

I'd bin him off, saying something like that means not only is he blowing hot and cold, he's doing it deliberately. Don't reply to him again is my advice.

I'd also be tempted to not block but just never reply because I think that's even more of a 'fuck you' but aware that could also be seen as game playing.

We spoke for a bit and he basically tried to bullshit his way out of it, he’d tried to make plans over the weekend for during this week/ the weekend coming but he didn’t mention those snd was a bit rubbish about it all, skirted around the topic

Ugggghhhh god I hate this tactic so fucking much. My husband used to do it to DS.
"Well I WAS going to take you to the park this afternoon but you've ruined it now!"
Of course he hadn't been planning anything of the sort, but it was an easy way to punish DS without actually getting off his arse and doing anything. Lazy parenting at its worst.

In your shoes OP I would send a simple "Now I've slept on it, I realise we're not suited and this isn't working for me. All the best x" and then block so he can't try to tempt you back and then fuck with your head again.

You KNOW he is a mindfuck, on top of that he is a proud one who will do anything to not be the one "dumped".
You have been awake at 4am because of this nonsense.
I will be harsh but you need to grow a backbone and stand-up for yourself.
When you sent that first message to say let's leave things here you shouldn't have engaged in a conversation... giving him more importance and showing once again that he can disrespect you and you will still be here listening to his shit.
It's been 3 months. He has been ghosting you. You don't owe him anything. Do the same. Block and move on. Stop finding reasons to stay engaged. He doesn't want you!

In your shoes OP I would send a simple "Now I've slept on it, I realise we're not suited and this isn't working for me. All the best x" and then block so he can't try to tempt you back and then fuck with your head again

This. Men like this don't change. If you don't walk away, you're going to have a whole world of pain and anxiety ahead, why would you sign up for that? It's just delaying the inevitable.