Not sure I want to be in this relationship but haven’t got the energy to deal with the hassle of split.

[Productivitywaning]

Is this common?

Am finding myself increasingly frustrated with DP. It is a classic story - we have been together 5 years, not engaged or anything and no kids and although have discussed both and agree it is in our plan, we have made no firm plans (this is a side issue and one that I go up and down about but generally am a bit upset he hasn’t made an effort re: proposal yet)

But anyway - day to day we plod along. He works long long hours (out of home, NHS) whereas I am WFH full time at the moment. We have fallen into the rut of me literally doing everything round the house as he’s sometimes hardly here all week, which I am ok with mostly and I am far more house proud.

However, I find myself irritated when he has a day or 2 off and will literally lie in bed for hours, veg on the sofa and wouldn’t even consider doing any chores unless I mention (and then he huffs like a teenager but will do it eventually). What gets me is that on my days off I always have a mental list of things that need doing.

I think this builds a lot of resentment for me as I feel like a bad feminist as I’m basically acting like a house wife/his mum.

I could cope with this if I felt like we have a lot of fun together but we don’t. Lockdown hasn’t been easy. His job has been demanding, he’s often exhausted and this makes him snappy and I snap back, resulting in arguments. He very rarely sees my point of view and instantly is defensive the second I say anything construed as me ‘having a go’ - like a child.

ANYWAY I know objectively you’d look at that and think, oh god, get out.

But, I am 32. I want children in the next few years. I have no desire to get back in the dating game, I spent my 20s in a series of flings and i don’t want that again when my friends are all getting engaged, married and starting families.

We also own a house which I love so so much. Neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own comfortably so would have to sell. We also have a dog who is our baby and I have no idea how we would share out custody.

We share the same views on a lot of things - politics, values etc. I think he is overall a good man and would probably be a good father. He occasionally does very touching, caring things and I then feel bad for doubting him. He has been supportive during some difficult times.

I do occasionally consider what would happen if we broke up (and I have threatened this) but honestly, the absolute hassle of moving out, being alone, what to do with the cat, house, being the single one and then being 32 with no partner and the biological clock ticking makes me think, stay put. My life is comfortable and fine, I am just not loving it.

Is this mad?

With a child, you will have an even bigger mental list of things that need doing and you could bet your boots that he'd only be interested in the fun bits of bringing up a child. If anything, men tend to get worse at pulling their weight with the drudge work when a baby comes along.

I know it isn't what you want to hear but the hassle of splitting now will be much much less than the hassle of a divorce and co-parenting of children in 10 years time.

Sorry

Do you love him? do you still fancy him? would you marry him if he proposed?

@PickAChew

With a child, you will have an even bigger mental list of things that need doing and you could bet your boots that he'd only be interested in the fun bits of bringing up a child. If anything, men tend to get worse at pulling their weight with the drudge work when a baby comes along.

This is a worry for me and I have actually said this to him before, in the sense of, ‘I’m not sure we should have kids if you can’t even deal with xyz in the house’ but he tells me I am being unfair and that how do I know he won’t do things?

@OldEvilOwl

Do you love him? do you still fancy him? would you marry him if he proposed?

Love yes although sometimes wonder if more love rather than in love as don’t find it exciting. I do find him attractive still. I just find him really annoying a lot of the time.

If he proposed to me right now I know for a fact I would be absolutely delighted and I think part of that is it would be him making an effort and actually showing me he cares rather than this rut we are in. If that makes sense. I wonder if part of my feelings are not feeling he cares enough as the times when he has gone all out I have felt so so happy.

“how do I know he won’t do things?”

Because he doesn’t already.

@Mintjulia

I know it isn't what you want to hear but the hassle of splitting now will be much much less than the hassle of a divorce and co-parenting of children in 10 years time.

Sorry

True but in my head I think, at least I would have children whereas it is quite possible if I became single now I would not find anyone and never have kids.

I also count my blessings that he has never cheated or been abusive and I know there are sadly a lot of terrible men out there - is it worth the risk?!

@Ocsetldil

“how do I know he won’t do things?”

Because he doesn’t already.

This is a good point - I suppose part of me hopes he will be taken by this desire to look after his children but maybe not.

But how would I even go about splitting?! Honestly the thought of giving up the house and my life just fills me with absolute horror. I realise that sounds bad but it does.

Move back in with my parents and then find some shitty little house on my own? No thanks. Arghhh!

You say dog' and then it changes to 'cat'. Which is it or do you have both?

@LuluJakey1

You say dog' and then it changes to 'cat'. Which is it or do you have both?

We have both! Sorry I meant both but the dog is our joint baby (haha!) as the cat is mine from before we met so she’d obviously come with me. I more meant that if I moved out I would have to also take my cat with me which just adds to the complexity!

Things are very hard for everyone right now. I would be honest with your dp when you both have a calm moment and talk to him. Go out on a walk and tell him everything you have said here. Tell him that you want to settle down and have a family but that you don't want to be doing it with someone who doesn't step up. If his job is the problem, could you both plan to work fewer hours? All I know sadly is that bringing a child in to this situation won't improve it, rather the reverse, I'm sorry.

I think you need to take the kid thing out of the equation for now. It's not relevant. He isn't even a suitable partner for you so he could never be a suitable father figure in your kids life.

Cut him loose and enjoy your life.
What will be will be...or not be. But don't waste another moment your time with mr not right. Nothing is worth that.

Arghhh but how do I know he isn’t the right partner? I go up and down on an almost daily basis. I don’t know if everyone to a certain extent just muddles on and settles really as long as life is comfortable. Surely it’s not all excitement and laughs?

And I still don’t think I could cope with the life upheaval and losing everything I’ve worked for.

Seriously, get out now. What is just annoying now can become unbearable once you have kids. He won't pull his weight. It doesn't suddenly get better. If anything it gets worse because he's already decided what is wife work. Your share of that will increase massively. Please listen.

@pickingdaisies

Seriously, get out now. What is just annoying now can become unbearable once you have kids. He won't pull his weight. It doesn't suddenly get better. If anything it gets worse because he's already decided what is wife work. Your share of that will increase massively. Please listen.

So, genuinely, do other men literally do half of the housework even if they are out of the house for 12 hours a day and the partner is WFH so obviously more time at home for sorting things?

I don’t know what’s reality and what is my warped view!

I'm not sure you're at the end, but you could get there if something doesn't change. Tbh you shouldn't be thinking of marriage or children with this guy as things stand.

Long relationships can get stale and boring, but that can change with just a bit of effort on both sides.

You need to tell him how you feel. You need a grown up discussion about how the domestic side of life has changed. You need to communicate what you'd like from him. Perhaps it would help if you made a list together of chores and distributed them between you.

You need to make time to do something fun together.

If he makes the effort to meet you half way you can get through this.

If he doesn't. You're done I'm afraid

We are both wfh and I work part time he works full time. And yes, even if we don't do exactly the same hours in the house or with the kids, we take equal responsibility. E.g. at lunchtime today I hung out some washing & he cleaned out the cat litter. I noticed he'd put something in the fridge to defrost and texted the children's nanny to tell her what to cook them. Yesterday I did the sainsbury order as I knew he would have booked the delivery slot as he does each week. We don't even have to discuss it at this stage- we're both just aware of the household and take responsibility.

You want to stay miserable because of the brief hassle of leaving get out before kids are involved tbh.

And yes, men who work 12 hours a day out of the home still do chores. My ex did, and he's still an ex, so it's not like he was some miracle man for doing domestic work. I don't understand why peoples bars are so low on this.

If you have kids with your current partner be prepared to keep doing all the housework and more.

To to answer your question, yes.

I'm a SAHP and DH works full time. We still share chores. Before living together we split them 50/50. Now I do more but that will change again when I go back to work.

What we do is one cooks, the other cleans up. I cook on weekdays and Sunday's, he cooks on Saturday. I do washing / ironing and major cleaning. He tidies and puts away his things / kids things at the end of the day.
I do food shop, he does the garden etc.

You can find a split that works with his shifts / working hours

Hang on he’s out of the house 60 hours a week and has a demanding and exhausting job?

I mean he still needs to be doing something around the house and not leaving it all to you, but I think given the last year we’ve all had you need to step back, take a breath and start a serious conversation.

No one should stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy, but at the same time some decent and honest communication should provide a good starting point to work out which direction you want to go.

You know he isn't the right partner because you feel up and down. Having children with someone is a lifelong commitment not something to do when you change your mind from day to day.

You say you'd be delighted if he proposed because it would show he was making an effort. It sounds like after the wedding there'll be no reason for him to make an effort for you ever again.

If you are genuinely worried about your clock ticking you should be brutally honest with yourself and him which means telling him how you feel, laying out what needs to change and giving him a time limit. Then you walk away if things don't improve and find someone else or go it alone.

I can't imagine having to try and parent our 3 DC's with someone I resented; actually I can and I would have left long before 3.

So, genuinely, do other men literally do half of the housework even if they are out of the house for 12 hours a day and the partner is WFH so obviously more time at home for sorting things?

I do longer hours than my partner during the week so he tends to cook more. We both do stuff like shove laundry in or food shopping. On a weekend I do most of the cooking to pick up the slack from during the week and give him a break. It’s not like a rota, but whoever has the most free time in the week tends to do more.

I had a previous DP who didn’t do his fair share, and he got worse not better as he realised I would tidy if it got too messy for me to tolerate etc. I always broke first. He would have been appalling as a father.

With hindsight when I met his parents I should have run then. His mother was expected to do everything around the house while his dad just put his feet up, even once he’d retired. What are his parents like?

Bringing a child into a floundering relationship is ALWAYS a bad idea and a recipe for disaster. You think you're resentful now? Just wait until you have a baby with him. He has shown you clearly who he is and his refusal to pull his weight. Believe him.

To be honest it sounds a bit like it could be me and my partner in reverse. He claims I don't do anything but I am literally out of the house almost all the time and he does things like vacuuming before I even get home and he also doesn't like to disturb the neighbours late with the vacuum or washing machine so i feel like i actually can't as he will moan then too. I always cook from scratch when I get home.

He then moans if I haven't started on housework on Saturday morning even though he's normally laid in bed till that point, id rather just wake up with my coffee downstairs. I just want a bit of a relax before I start to wake up a bit but it's never good enough.

Are you actually giving him the time to do anything or are you getting annoyed immediately?

Are you really going to settle? Don’t just don’t.