Not sure I want to be in this relationship but haven’t got the energy to deal with the hassle of split.

[Productivitywaning]

Is this common?

Am finding myself increasingly frustrated with DP. It is a classic story - we have been together 5 years, not engaged or anything and no kids and although have discussed both and agree it is in our plan, we have made no firm plans (this is a side issue and one that I go up and down about but generally am a bit upset he hasn’t made an effort re: proposal yet)

But anyway - day to day we plod along. He works long long hours (out of home, NHS) whereas I am WFH full time at the moment. We have fallen into the rut of me literally doing everything round the house as he’s sometimes hardly here all week, which I am ok with mostly and I am far more house proud.

However, I find myself irritated when he has a day or 2 off and will literally lie in bed for hours, veg on the sofa and wouldn’t even consider doing any chores unless I mention (and then he huffs like a teenager but will do it eventually). What gets me is that on my days off I always have a mental list of things that need doing.

I think this builds a lot of resentment for me as I feel like a bad feminist as I’m basically acting like a house wife/his mum.

I could cope with this if I felt like we have a lot of fun together but we don’t. Lockdown hasn’t been easy. His job has been demanding, he’s often exhausted and this makes him snappy and I snap back, resulting in arguments. He very rarely sees my point of view and instantly is defensive the second I say anything construed as me ‘having a go’ - like a child.

ANYWAY I know objectively you’d look at that and think, oh god, get out.

But, I am 32. I want children in the next few years. I have no desire to get back in the dating game, I spent my 20s in a series of flings and i don’t want that again when my friends are all getting engaged, married and starting families.

We also own a house which I love so so much. Neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own comfortably so would have to sell. We also have a dog who is our baby and I have no idea how we would share out custody.

We share the same views on a lot of things - politics, values etc. I think he is overall a good man and would probably be a good father. He occasionally does very touching, caring things and I then feel bad for doubting him. He has been supportive during some difficult times.

I do occasionally consider what would happen if we broke up (and I have threatened this) but honestly, the absolute hassle of moving out, being alone, what to do with the cat, house, being the single one and then being 32 with no partner and the biological clock ticking makes me think, stay put. My life is comfortable and fine, I am just not loving it.

Is this mad?

It sounds like he is having a hard time at work & you are having a hard time at home with wfh & doing the house.
Some things you might like to think about:

1. Have things changed in the last 12mths? Covid has been a difficult time for the strongest of partnerships

1. Have either of your jobs got harder / significantly changed because of global events?

1. Have you considered his perspective that he thinks you are relaxing around the house all day whilst he is slogging away - I’m not suggesting this is true but he might feel this

1. What household chores do you want him to do? If it’s something as simple as cleaning consider a cleaner - I know it is very trite on MN to suggest it but we have one because whilst I might have time to do 50% DH doesn’t have time / energy / inclination

1. How much has your general feeling of well-being been affected by the last 12mths?

Rather than ending (which you seem very on the fence about) how about being proactive and open with him about what you want / need. Set yourself an internal time limit (do not discuss with him that he is on probation as I doubt that will help your relationship) and you will know after that time whether things are going to work out. Set our clear things you want to achieve e.g sharing out household tasks etc

This isn’t the perfect solution and it might be that you still split up but you have stayed together, bought a house and for a cat so you want to check out the possibilities in the relationship before you pull the plug

I hope this helps

Get a cleaner.

Contract an ironing service.

Buy a HelloFresh meal delivery service.

I don't see any reason for lists of chores for 2 people without DCs.

Sorry, I think you are overreacting.

People on here are acting like he's an unemployed, cocklodging bum who sits on his arse , gaming and smoking weed all day.

If I had done a 12 hour shift in NHS I wouldn't be that impressed if my DP wanted me to get the Hoover out when I got in either. I think you need to loosen up with the housework expectations for both of you.

In the end, it's your choice but I wouldn't end a relationship with a good, hardworking man with whom I had bought a house because he hadn't done the dishes.

So, genuinely, do other men literally do half of the housework even if they are out of the house for 12 hours a day and the partner is WFH so obviously more time at home for sorting things?

Before lockdown, when Dh was out of the house for 12 hours plus, he’d come home, do homework with DCs, more often than not do baths and put them to bed, on top of this he’d be problem solving for teens etc

No he didnt do half the housework, we have a cleaner, he’d do laundry at weekends, cook, shop, ferry dcs about etc

It sounds fine to me, everyone saying leave him but you have a nice life and he’s under a lot of pressure with work so a proposal is probably the least of his worries.

Yes he will prob leave most of the parenting to you but could maybe help pay for a cleaner to help out and a babysitter.

Tell him you what to get married, look at rings and don’t hang around waiting from to ask, why does he need to be the one to ask? It can be a small thing at the registry office in the next few months.
If he agreed to this then it sounds as if you would fall in love all over again.
Yes you might divorce in 10 years but there’s no guarantee that whoever you marry and have children with will stick around forever.
I wouldn’t be leaving him but would be making clear what I want

I think a lot of this is on what he does, you say he’s NHS, is it physically/mentally exhausting? I used to work 12 hr shifts as a maternity support worker and I was so tired all of the time, I could barely stay awake on my days off, let alone do housework.

What was he like before Covid-19? Did he ever do chores? Or is this something you’ve noticed through lockdown? If it is then he could just be overly stressed/slightly depressed and under motivated. I know lots of people who’ve lacked motivation during lockdown as all seems hopeless, nothing to do, nowhere to go, no socialising, no nice dates etc.

A long chat is in order.

Really tough one. I would also be considering staying what with the biological clock ticking. It's our worst enemy in some ways!! It can blind us.

But you aren't happy and it is unlikely to change. The main problem seems to be his demanding career. Is he likely to ever change job and be more available? It'll be even harder for you having kids with no DP available to be hands on.

You are so SO lucky you've seen this before you had children! My biggest regret is that I didn't have such insight before I had DC with my husband.

He. Will. Not. Change.

You. Will. End. Up. Hugely. Resentful.

Don't do it OP! You still have time to find someone and have DC. Go and find someone who will actually raise them with you together. Someone with a shared outlook and value system. Not someone who leaves all the grunt work and housekeeping to the woman.

I can't stress enough the regret and sadness I feel that I stuck with a sub-par relationship like yours when I knew deep down it wasn't quite "right" and I had a chance to get out with no ties. Now I'm left agonizing
over whether/when to get a divorce. How it's going to tear my DCs world apart, how I'm going to struggle to be a single parent and how I will never have that happy family ideal - all because I stayed with someone I shouldn't. Oh to have a chance to re-write history!

Out of interest, he does touching, caring things for you on occasion - what gestures do you do for him to show that you care?

(Yes, I know you do the vast majority of work at home but I can understand how 12 hour NHS shifts, especially right now, could be very hard and draining on a person.)

I ask because sometimes couples get into the habit where the gestures and the wee demonstrations of love and care only go in one direction and it doesn't cross the other person's mind that it might be very welcome from the other person to be on the receiving end.

You need to both show you appreciate each other and be wary of a relationship rut where you fall into mother/child role.

Do you have fun together? Have joint activities you like doing? Tbh I don’t think you should have a baby with someone who already doesn’t contribute to the housework because you’re just doubling your workload when you have all the housework and all the childcare to do on your own.

I find myself in the same position. Been together 5 years, house together, no ring/no kids, but we've made it clear that we want to have kids together and get married one day. No signs of proposal soon(?) Keeps saying that he needs to save money for a ring, which is fair, but he's been saying this for about 2 years now.
We've had our fair shares of fights, mostly because I've caught him lying to me about a close female coworker. I even found naked pictures of a random instagram model that he had sent to himself to save in his email. So I guess apart of the issue is trust issues since that incident. (this happened about two years ago)
Although, with my story, I am only 23, and he is 31. I was 18 and he was 26 when we first started dating.
Right now I catch myself going through these glimpses of depression and not sure which direction to go because simply like you said we have a lot of the same values, and views, and he supports me financially and mentally a lot of the time. There are many times when he gets upset easily over a simple question or if I ask him to repeat himself because I didn't hear him. I do occasionally think too- what if we did break up? I know I would be fine on my own and I would figure it out, but I still love him. I just don't know if "settled" too early on in my life?

I also count my blessings that he has never cheated or been abusive and I know there are sadly a lot of terrible men out there - is it worth the risk?!

This stood out to me. If your bar for a happy relationship is purely that he’s not an abusive cheating bastard, your standards are too low.

I agree
Also those are not the only reasons to end a relationship

@Lexxa

I find myself in the same position. Been together 5 years, house together, no ring/no kids, but we've made it clear that we want to have kids together and get married one day. No signs of proposal soon(?) Keeps saying that he needs to save money for a ring, which is fair, but he's been saying this for about 2 years now. We've had our fair shares of fights, mostly because I've caught him lying to me about a close female coworker. I even found naked pictures of a random instagram model that he had sent to himself to save in his email. So I guess apart of the issue is trust issues since that incident. (this happened about two years ago) Although, with my story, I am only 23, and he is 31. I was 18 and he was 26 when we first started dating. Right now I catch myself going through these glimpses of depression and not sure which direction to go because simply like you said we have a lot of the same values, and views, and he supports me financially and mentally a lot of the time. There are many times when he gets upset easily over a simple question or if I ask him to repeat himself because I didn't hear him. I do occasionally think too- what if we did break up? I know I would be fine on my own and I would figure it out, but I still love him. I just don't know if "settled" too early on in my life?

Apologies to the op for thread diversion but Lexxa please, please, please consider leaving this man. You are so young and there is so much more to life than being tied down to a partner who gets "easily upset" when you ask him a simple question, or who lies to you about a female co-worker. You really don't need this. And as you know bringing DC in to this sort of relationship won't make it magically better, it will only intensify existing stresses. In fact your intermittent depression could be telling you something! Please get help with your mh and think about retraining for a job maybe so you can be free and financially independent. Please take care xxx

What I do know, unfortunately, is that if he's this way now, he'll be the same or even worse once there's a baby. If he doesn't want to engage in a proper conversation with you and make changes now, it will never happen.
So keep that in mind or you'll be back on here in a couple of years at the end of your tether, asking for advice on splitting up with a child in tow.

I would t make any life changing decisions until Covid is as over as it can be - everyone is out of sorts with normal life. My husband is similar to your partner - the solution for us is a cleaner once a week and him accepting certain jobs are his responsibility though I still have to nag !

Omg this could be me.

I've been with my partner for 6 years, no engagement, no kids and we don't live together. We are just plodding along. I always have half a mind to end it, but at 49 is this my last chance at a relationship? He's always got health problems and I help him, but sometimes it feels like I'm his mum. I don't think I'm turned on anymore but I do still love him. Now sure what to do about it tbh.

@Productivitywaning
He doesn't want a marriage or family with you. End of. After half a decade, he has known you for more than long enough so if he hasn't proposed, he clearly doesn't want to propose a lifelong commitment with you. It really is that simple. If you decide to.waste more precious fertile years with him just prepare yourself for the scenario some years down the line where the relationship ends and he gets engaged/married/a dad with another woman within a couple of years. When men find the woman they want, they don't waste time.

He can have his cake and eat it because you've allowed him to. You're giving him ALL the benefits of marriage without any of the commitment or responsibilities. It's not feminist in any way. Move out and stop being disrespected.

@Lexxa

I find myself in the same position. Been together 5 years, house together, no ring/no kids, but we've made it clear that we want to have kids together and get married one day. No signs of proposal soon(?) Keeps saying that he needs to save money for a ring, which is fair, but he's been saying this for about 2 years now. We've had our fair shares of fights, mostly because I've caught him lying to me about a close female coworker. I even found naked pictures of a random instagram model that he had sent to himself to save in his email. So I guess apart of the issue is trust issues since that incident. (this happened about two years ago) Although, with my story, I am only 23, and he is 31. I was 18 and he was 26 when we first started dating. Right now I catch myself going through these glimpses of depression and not sure which direction to go because simply like you said we have a lot of the same values, and views, and he supports me financially and mentally a lot of the time. There are many times when he gets upset easily over a simple question or if I ask him to repeat himself because I didn't hear him. I do occasionally think too- what if we did break up? I know I would be fine on my own and I would figure it out, but I still love him. I just don't know if "settled" too early on in my life?

Jesus, you're only 26. This is terrible.

Sorry, 23. Definitely leave. You have your whole life ahead of you to spend with someone who you can trust not to cheat.

OP, my friend was engaged and close to the wedding date when her on off on off again fiance asked her if she was sure they were doing the right thing. That was the last straw. She was 32 and had kept it up for the same reasons you're saying, owned a house, wanted kids, etc. Two years later she met her DH, completely different mutually respectfully relationship, he's crazy about her. Got married the year after and they have two kids. Don't settle. He won't step up.

I'm sure he is exhausted and what not, but we all have to do housework or live on squalor. What would he do if you weren't there? Takeaway and dirty clothes? Filthy bathroom? Rubbish overflowing in the kitchen bin?

I'm sorry about the house but don't stay with him for a house. Your happiness is worth more than a house. Be careful about negative equity or you'll be stuck with owning half a house with someone who may be difficult about maintaining it.

I think you need to take into account the hours he's working. You say it's very long hours , is it weekends too ?

Is he burnt out ? Was he like this before Covid ?

He may not be able to take on any other mental work load at present. If this is the case you may need to ride with it till it calms down. He may then need prompting to take it back on board after.

The marriage proposal is conflicting ideals. You say you have feminist values yet are stalling life waiting for him to propose. Why is that his job? You have given him a job to do and are setting yourself up to be let down ? I understand that you feel it's yet another thing he's not done.

The key thing I take from this is that you are both not communicating. You seem to be saying why are you not doing xyz and he gets defensive. You're not asking him how he is, how he is feeling or coping and getting a picture of what's happening to him. You can then talk about how what's happening to him is impacting you.

Read up shield of shame and you will understand why his answers the way he does. But also alter how you talk to him. Don't have these conversations when he's not calm as it won't work.

Some women are happy doing everything in their relationships. I'm not. I am only happy in a fair relationship where everyone pulls their weight and is loving and so on.

And working hard is no excuse. I'm working 12 hour days and studying and I have time to pick the kids up from school, walk my dog, do laundry, hoover, shop, cook, buy presents for friends and so on. I have 3 kids living with me (shared custody now).

It isn't easy but I would never expect someone to do everything for me whilst I just worked because it isn't fair. And even if you work all day, all he would need to do would be to be in charge of some tasks to take a load off you - eg, hoovering - It would take 20 mins to hoover a normal sized house. The bathrooms. Clean up after a meal. Unload the dishwasher. Do some laundry. Doing one or two of those tasks every day wouldn't take much time, he is definitely capable and would mean that you aren't doing everything.

But because he's a man, he thinks that it is your job. And that's all there is to it.

You should both have equal leisure time.

So if he leaves the house at 7.30 and returns at 7.30, and you are working from 8am to 4pm, then it's fair for you to be picking up household chores whilst he's still at work.

However, when you're both having a day off, the remaining chores should be split equally.

I personally loathe housework so I have some sympathy with your DP for not wanting to do it, but either he steps up and does it, or you pay for a cleaner. I used to have one for an hour a week, £25 well spent. (1 bed flat mind you! Cost for you probably higher but IMO still worth it.)

However - he is showing you, right now, that he values his time more highly than yours. What is his justification for that? Because I suspect in his mind it's "because Productivity has a vagina"...

Don't have kids with someone who believes in the concept of "women's work". Because no matter what he might SAY, he's demonstrating very clearly by his actions that that is his core belief.

To clarify: by "you pay for a cleaner" I mean you as a household, not you as an individual.

(I really wish English had a second person plural! The colloquial "youse" is looked down on, but could be so useful.)

Count your blessings as he’s not cheated or been abusive?
My god the bar for men is so low it’s a tavern in hades.
Do not have a child with this lazy arse.