Not sure I want to be in this relationship but haven’t got the energy to deal with the hassle of split.

[Productivitywaning]

Is this common?

Am finding myself increasingly frustrated with DP. It is a classic story - we have been together 5 years, not engaged or anything and no kids and although have discussed both and agree it is in our plan, we have made no firm plans (this is a side issue and one that I go up and down about but generally am a bit upset he hasn’t made an effort re: proposal yet)

But anyway - day to day we plod along. He works long long hours (out of home, NHS) whereas I am WFH full time at the moment. We have fallen into the rut of me literally doing everything round the house as he’s sometimes hardly here all week, which I am ok with mostly and I am far more house proud.

However, I find myself irritated when he has a day or 2 off and will literally lie in bed for hours, veg on the sofa and wouldn’t even consider doing any chores unless I mention (and then he huffs like a teenager but will do it eventually). What gets me is that on my days off I always have a mental list of things that need doing.

I think this builds a lot of resentment for me as I feel like a bad feminist as I’m basically acting like a house wife/his mum.

I could cope with this if I felt like we have a lot of fun together but we don’t. Lockdown hasn’t been easy. His job has been demanding, he’s often exhausted and this makes him snappy and I snap back, resulting in arguments. He very rarely sees my point of view and instantly is defensive the second I say anything construed as me ‘having a go’ - like a child.

ANYWAY I know objectively you’d look at that and think, oh god, get out.

But, I am 32. I want children in the next few years. I have no desire to get back in the dating game, I spent my 20s in a series of flings and i don’t want that again when my friends are all getting engaged, married and starting families.

We also own a house which I love so so much. Neither of us could afford the mortgage on our own comfortably so would have to sell. We also have a dog who is our baby and I have no idea how we would share out custody.

We share the same views on a lot of things - politics, values etc. I think he is overall a good man and would probably be a good father. He occasionally does very touching, caring things and I then feel bad for doubting him. He has been supportive during some difficult times.

I do occasionally consider what would happen if we broke up (and I have threatened this) but honestly, the absolute hassle of moving out, being alone, what to do with the cat, house, being the single one and then being 32 with no partner and the biological clock ticking makes me think, stay put. My life is comfortable and fine, I am just not loving it.

Is this mad?

I just find him really annoying a lot of the time.

This doesn't sound great. If you could magically flick a switch to make him more helpful around the home, would you still find him really annoying a lot of the time?

It's possible to be with someone whose company delights you, but not if you decided to stay with someone who annoys you. If you see what I mean!

This is so sad. He is so very lazy and thinks it is your job to do everything and had the cheek to say how do you know he wouldnt step ip as a parent? Because he is showing you he wouldnt.

I don't think your relationship is definitely over. After all, you say you do still love him, find him attractive and would be pleased if he proposed.

I think you really need to lay on the line though just how underappreciated and under valued you feel and how it's making you question the relationship and your future together.

See if together you can come up with a list of ways things could improve for you both i.e. get a cleaner or having dinner together without the tv on a few nights a week so you can reconnect with each other.
Of course it might be he isn't willing to try and improve things and then you'll have got your answer. But equally it might be that your relationship improves and you both remember why you're together.

Whatever you decide to do, be kind to yourself as this is a tricky situation.

I think the reason why you are in this situation is because it suits him. It suits him to not be married. Also, you mention you have a mental list that needs doing.....like what exactly? You don't have children so how busy with housework can you be?

Before lockdown, did you enjoy each other's company, make an effort to spend quality time with each other? How much time would you like him or you as a couple to spend each weekend doing housework? What's the most pressing thing on your mind that needs doing?

It sounds like motherhood would be a lonely, hard experience for you. He just seems too tired to cope with taking on any more. How would he cope with the loss of sleep if he's already tired from working long hours at work? Most likely you would end up doing everything - some of that will him not being bothered anyway, but at least 50% of it would be because he would be too tired, physically and mentally to do much more on top of the hours he already works away from home.

What's WFH??

You sound bored of him
A baby won't fix that

Only you know if he is gonna be worth sticking with for the long haul, ignore the men haters on here saying LTB, they will be sat seething with their smelly cats happy another woman has become one of them, always the same posters saying leave leave leave :/ . No-one is perfect, not even me..

chores should be shared, not necessary 50/50 but enough so one isnt taking the p!ss out of the other person.

He doesnt sound too bad, but needs a kick up the ar5e with the whole starting a family and proposal thing you have mentioned.. would you not consider proposing to him maybe? Some men are decent but not exactly on the ball the time scales your hoping regards to marriage and kids.

hopefully post covid lockdown he will kick into gear and sort out your future plans,, good luck

You don’t have kids - weekends should be for relaxing. He works long hours, you say he is exhausted but resent him sleeping in for “hours” on a weekend... there needs to be give & take.

What is the mental load of things you have to get done on weekends?

The house doesn’t need to be so messy it requires a weekend to clean if you stay on top of it & both do 10mins a day of house chores.

Then your weekends could be spent chilling out without having these chores hanging over you, preventing you from making the most of your weekends.

@EarthSight

What's WFH??

@EarthSight WFH is work from home.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I am still really stuck as to what to do.

I think deep down I am not ‘happy’ in this relationship but this is the most serious relationship I’ve been in, never lived with a man before this and I don’t know if I just need my head shaking a bit if this is what it’s like after years of living together?!

I worry I have a rose tinted view of what another partner could look like. I also absolutely feel horror if I consider the idea of being single amongst a group of friends who are all in serious relationships - how do you deal with the loneliness?

I feel like the grief of having to sell the house and go through all that palaver would just be too much. How do you bear it?

No this is not what it’s like after years of living together (or it shouldn’t be, at least, although obviously a lot of people do put up with shitty situations when they don’t actually need to).

He absolutely won’t change if you have children. He won’t step up, he won’t be an involved father, he won’t share the responsibility or the mental load. This, the man he is now, is who he is. People do not change.

Do not have children with him.

Also being alone doesn’t have to be lonely.

Be brave. It’s never as bad as you think, and when you know a situation is no longer good for you, you really do need to do something about it. Life is very short.

We avoid change as much as possible, especially massive upheaval of this kind. The very fact that you keep considering it suggests that action is needed. Sweeping this under the carpet is likely to get worse over time.

There are other men. There are other houses. You have only one life.

Have you put yourself in his shoes at any point and asked how he's doing and if he's happy or needs anything more from you?

You're not happy but you want him to propose. Perhaps he's not happy and that's why he hasn't. Doesn't mean it's unsolvable but you need a frank conversation about how you truly both feel about each other and the future.

This last year has been hard on every single couple I know, even the unshakeable ones.

I don't think he's lazy in the slightest I think he's tired and wrung out as we all are.

I agree that a man can be irritating to live with etc and things won't be perfect, but underneath all that you have to feel like he IS the right partner. If you are questioning that, I think things will only get worse and eventually you'll be left unhappy and wanting out, even if you do marry and have children.

Children do put a huge strain on a relationship, however much you love and want them. You become more dependent on each other practically, as a small child simply has to be looked after 24/7. (It can feel like a job but without any limit.)

At 32 I understand your concerns re wanting to get on with life and have a family. But it's not too late to leave this relationship and start again. Far easier now than in 5 or 10 years time when you realise you can't stand it any more but have a couple of kids.

I think your reasons for staying ie the hassle of leaving your house is too much and your mates all settling down aren’t good enough reasons to stay in this boring relationship. You’re only 32 - dont bring some kids into this mess - your boyfriend is overworked and tired and you want more. Be brave and go and find somebody more in tune !

No matter what everyone says, you can't deny that leaving this relationship IS taking a risk. You may find someone better, or you may not. You may do it fast enough considering biological clock in terms of having children, or you may not. You may leave and it may be the best decision of your life, or it may be the worst- nobody knows that, and it all really comes down to how YOU feel, whether or not you are prepared to take that risk.

To me, the answer to this question would be first of all realising what your priorities are in a partner. Some people here are saying that the mere fact he's not abusive or a cheater isn't good enough and your standards are low- but it IS great to start with, considering just how many abusers and cheaters are out there. Then you need to make a little list of few most important qualities you are looking for in a man and the ones you'd be willing to compromise on. If your partner has all the essential good qualities and you love him, then it would be a shame to waste this relationship just because he hasn't done the dishes, also taking into account you live a comfortable life and have a house that you love etc (which is also very important). Maybe getting a cleaner would be the answer to all the problems. It's always much quicker and easier to break something than to build. Your partner sounds like a hard working man who may just be too tired especially if he works for the NHS and considering what's going on at the moment. Only you can make this decision, but I wouldn't rush into anything just because a bunch of strangers are shouting dump him. Just weigh everything carefully and give it a good thought, good luck whatever you do.

* You want to stay miserable because of the brief hassle of leaving confused get out before kids are involved tbh.*

^This. Leave the relationship.