Relationship with DB

[ThePurpleOctopus]

Hello all. This is going to be long, so thank you in advance for reading and responding, if you do.

Short story: Me (and DH, plus three kids) and my parents have sold our respective houses and bought one together that is larger with an annexe next door, for us all to live together. DB (and SIL, by extension, I guess) hasn't spoken to me since he knew this was happening. It's been six months, and we've now been in this new house around two months.

Long story: for many years, me and DM have been talking on and off about living together. DP have provided a fair bit of childcare for both me and DB (DB and SIL have two children, and our children are all aged between 1 and 7), and has stayed with us while doing this (and stayed at DB's when doing it for him). I would describe myself as being close with my parents, and my DH loves them too.

My DH hasn't wanted to leave the city we lived in, and that was a deal-breaker for him for a long time. DP never wanted to live in a city, so it's regularly been discussed offhand about living together but no one ever thought it was a reality. FYI: I would also very happily live with MIL, and DB and his family, if they wanted to.

Anyway, COVID and WFH changed things, plus me and DH getting older (mid-30s) and thinking about the life we want for our DC. Suddenly, he showed an interest in living outside of our city and got excited by the countryside life, and how we'd be able to get a bigger and better house (city money going further outside of the city, etc.). This has also come at a time when DH is changing jobs, so we're both about to WFH indefinitely, or with occasional visits to the city.

It then just happened really quickly, and none of us four (me, DH, DM, DF) really expected it at all. We went from vague, offhand discussions about potential areas to live in, to suddenly finding 'the one' and putting our offer in (neither of us was on the market, that's how quickly this happened).

When DB was told, I hear from my DP that he was VERY shocked and not expecting it at all (fair enough, totally). And from that day he hasn't spoken to me and won't answer my texts (in that time I've sent maybe 1-4 a month - going from 'how are you' and 'haven't heard from you in a while, is everything ok?' at first, to now one a month with a general question or comment in case he wants to reply. He reads them all but doesn't reply. I was worried I'm harrassing him, but there's a family WhatsApp for our family and he posts photos of his children in there, knowing I'll see them. So I'm hoping he doesn't think I'm messaging too much.

By extension, he hasn't spoken to DH in the same timeframe, nor my children. SIL replies to my texts (used to be frequent and we had a good relationship, but are now few and far between) briefly and distantly. Hasn't asked how we are, etc. A few weeks after finding out about the house plans, DB and SIL sent all our Christmas presents in the post - this was September, and at the time the plan was for them to host us at Christmas. (We didn't know what was coming in terms of the COVID rules at that point). So very quickly me and DH realised how the relationship was fracturing. I messaged 'merry Christmas' to DB and he chose not to reply.

DH and DP think DB is very ridiculous and will 'snap out of it' at some point. They say they're all quite taken aback with his behaviour. For me, I'm devastated. Probably not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about DB or tried to speculate what he thinks or why he has cut our relationship.

I don't really know what I want from this post. I know that I can't force DB to do anything, and he might or might not come round. I guess if anyone reads this and sees something obvious that he's upset about and I can try to fix it, then I'd be grateful. I've speculated for months on what's going on....

1. Is it that he wants to live with us? (From DP I understand the answer is definitely not, and I'd be surprised if he did)
2. Is it that he wants to live with my DP? (Possibly. One month before we decided to do this, he and SIL moved into their forever house in the country (it took months to build it, so a fair bit of time coming), and it has a loft room. DB has mentioned in the past that DP could stay in the loft room when they're elderly; DP are surprised at this because it won't be very accessible to older people if it's not on the ground floor).
3. Is it that he wants to be closer to us all? (Maybe, but it would be arguing a tiny point. He used to be ~2.5 hrs from me, now it's about 55 mins. He used to be 45 mins from DP, now he's 55 mins - apparently he's cross that they've moved further away from him).
4. Is it that he wants to live where we now do (Possibly, as it's a special part of the country for our family, and a lovely countryside, but he and SIL chose country 1 hour down the road instead).
5. Is it that he's worried about DP's relationship with DGC? (Possibly, and this was a HUGE point of mine when we made this decision to move. He won't know it, but I've been clear with DP from the start that I want to make sure DB and SIL's children can visit without feeling like it's OUR home. As a result, we've found somewhere where DP have separate living space in their annex next door, and I've already said that sometimes when DB and SIL visit, me and DH and DC should visit MIL or other family, to not always be here. I've read enough threads about how parents don't feel their children get the same attention as nieces and nephews.)
6. Is he worried about inheritance? (Possibly; if it was discussed he'd hear that DP are desperate to be fair about it, and writing various things into their will to ensure he gets 50%).

Have I done something wrong?

And (I know this is so long, I'm very sorry), the more I've thought about this, the more I've reflected back on our relationship. And the truth is, he's never really liked me, I don't think. He seems to find me intensely irritating and annoyingly (I guess you can't choose your family), and has occasionally sworn at me and been cruel. And before this happened, he didn't acknowledge my birthday, didn't acknowledge my DS's birthday, and a few other things. That is NOT to say he's a bad person - in fact, I think I've been coveting his attention our whole lives, but that if at some point in the future we are able to fix this, I probably need to listen to what he has to say and apologise to him, but maybe he should also listen to me and realise he's not been the best brother.

What do people think?

To clarify - I messaged 'merry christmas' to DB on Christmas Day! Not in September.

Well, no one knows, but I’d say 5 and 6 would be where I would’ve coming from if I was in your DB’s situation. And it may have happened quickly, but you and your DP can be as clear as you like about being fair - but none of you seem to have spoken to your DB about any of this. So how would he know how fair you say you intend to be? Your communication, and that of your DP, seems to have been poor in this regard - and you think it important to have discussed it at length prior to moving. So why did no one communicate all of this to your DB?

It may be the inheritance but I think it's more likely it all happened so quickly and he didn't really know what was going on. It may look like you were trying to keep it from him for some reason.

It will be inheritance I am afraid.

@TheBitchOfTheVicar

Well, no one knows, but I’d say 5 and 6 would be where I would’ve coming from if I was in your DB’s situation. And it may have happened quickly, but you and your DP can be as clear as you like about being fair - but none of you seem to have spoken to your DB about any of this. So how would he know how fair you say you intend to be? Your communication, and that of your DP, seems to have been poor in this regard - and you think it important to have discussed it at length prior to moving. So why did no one communicate all of this to your DB?

Communicate the inheritance and how we'd make grandchild access fair, you mean? I think DP are doing that, and I'll do it if/when DB speaks to me, good point.

You're right, we didn't discuss thing at length with DB before moving. It's more than he was told it was happening (when me, DH, and DP decided we wanted to look into finding somewhere), rather than asked and consulted. But I guess had he said that he didn't want it to happen, we would still have wanted to. But yes, perhaps having the conversation even if he made it clear he didn't want us to do it was still valid. Thank you.

@Usagi12

It may be the inheritance but I think it's more likely it all happened so quickly and he didn't really know what was going on. It may look like you were trying to keep it from him for some reason.

That's all fair, thank you.

If he decides to speak to me one day, I'll happily apologise for this. There was no intent to keep it from him, but we probably could have consulted him about it earlier.

@MollysMummy2010

It will be inheritance I am afraid.

I really hope not :(

Well to be fair you could have talked to him before buying the house, even invited him to share too. Nobody buys a house that quickly. I guess he feels left out and that you are the Golden child. I would be hurt too.

@Giantrooster

Well to be fair you could have talked to him before buying the house, even invited him to share too. Nobody buys a house that quickly. I guess he feels left out and that you are the Golden child. I would be hurt too.

That's all very fair. Thank you.

I don't feel like the golden child, but I appreciate that doesn't mean I'm not.

I will stress that it did happen quickly though. From deciding to do it to finding the house we liked was maybe a week (obviously buying then took months). But yes, we could have spoken to him in that week.

@Giantrooster

Well to be fair you could have talked to him before buying the house, even invited him to share too. Nobody buys a house that quickly. I guess he feels left out and that you are the Golden child. I would be hurt too.

@Giantrooster, how can I best try and make things right? Should I stay back and wait for him (if/when) to want to have a relationship, or push more from my side?

It's more than he was told it was happening (when me, DH, and DP decided we wanted to look into finding somewhere), rather than asked and consulted.

What now? Are your parents children? No, they are not. Your brother is not entitled to be consulted about their life choices. You would really consult your brother, wanting his approval for your choices? As for inheritance, your parents are not dead yet. There is no inheritance, it's your parent's hard earned money that will support them while they are still living. If, and only if, there is money left over when both of them have died, will there be any inheritance to deal with.

I would not be impressed with your brother's ridiculous, pathetic behaviour at all. He's acting like a baby. Whatever problem he has, it's his problem. Don't make it yours.

My DB has gone nuts over lockdown too. I’m really sorry. I know how upsetting it is.

I’d leave him to sulk gif now, then invite them for a lovely fun family Christmas (or summer garden party) and remind him - just with your presence - that you all love him.

Tbh, if I was your brother I'd be gutted that you and your DP actually did all this without involving or talking to him about it. I doubt it's to go with inheritance, more that you and DP organised big life changes without the courtesy to tell him.

Look at it this way, he was presented with a fait accompli. He couldn't voice any concerns, couldn't express interest. He might feel bad about the financial side, but more likely he is hurt not to have been consulted, what you and your dps have done is sort of lying by omission. I think in his book you are treated as the Golden child.

Rather than let this continue and fester into something there is no coming back from, I would email him and offer apologies if needed, and reassurance, if needed. But keep in mind that you are not responsible for his reaction - give him the information, it's up to him what he does with it.

@Aquamarine1029

It's more than he was told it was happening (when me, DH, and DP decided we wanted to look into finding somewhere), rather than asked and consulted.

What now? Are your parents children? No, they are not. Your brother is not entitled to be consulted about their life choices. You would really consult your brother, wanting his approval for your choices? As for inheritance, your parents are not dead yet. There is no inheritance, it's your parent's hard earned money that will support them while they are still living. If, and only if, there is money left over when both of them have died, will there be any inheritance to deal with.

I would not be impressed with your brother's ridiculous, pathetic behaviour at all. He's acting like a baby. Whatever problem he has, it's his problem. Don't make it yours.

Thank you. This is my DH's view. I'd like to share it, but do I see PPs' views about him being hurt to be left out.

@ThatOtherPoster

My DB has gone nuts over lockdown too. I’m really sorry. I know how upsetting it is.

I’d leave him to sulk gif now, then invite them for a lovely fun family Christmas (or summer garden party) and remind him - just with your presence - that you all love him.

Thank you. My DP share the view about inviting them to something soon and trying to organise fun things.

My concern is that I think we need to have 'The Chat' beforehand (me and DB), because I'm worried about what he will be like and how he'll behave to me and my children if we haven't worked this out in advance.

@tiredteacher100

Tbh, if I was your brother I'd be gutted that you and your DP actually did all this without involving or talking to him about it. I doubt it's to go with inheritance, more that you and DP organised big life changes without the courtesy to tell him.

Thank you. That's fair.

I find it hard because in an ideal world I'd LOVE to have this kind of relationship with him, and chat regularly. But I've always found out about things in his life (new job, redundancy, big promotion, new house, then another big new house, pregnancy, etc.) through my parents. He doesn't talk to me.

However, I accept that a) this is VERY big news, and b) if i want that kind of relationship I need to model it.

@Giantrooster

Look at it this way, he was presented with a fait accompli. He couldn't voice any concerns, couldn't express interest. He might feel bad about the financial side, but more likely he is hurt not to have been consulted, what you and your dps have done is sort of lying by omission. I think in his book you are treated as the Golden child.

That's fair, thank you. I just wish I could make it right.

Thank you. This is my DH's view. I'd like to share it, but do I see PPs' views about him being hurt to be left out.

You wrote in your post,

"And (I know this is so long, I'm very sorry), the more I've thought about this, the more I've reflected back on our relationship. And the truth is, he's never really liked me, I don't think. He seems to find me intensely irritating and annoyingly (I guess you can't choose your family), and has occasionally sworn at me and been cruel. And before this happened, he didn't acknowledge my birthday, didn't acknowledge my DS's birthday, and a few other things."

Given the way your brother treats you, I fail to see why you would care what he thinks about anything. He sounds like a miserable, bitter person.

@lovemenot

Rather than let this continue and fester into something there is no coming back from, I would email him and offer apologies if needed, and reassurance, if needed. But keep in mind that you are not responsible for his reaction - give him the information, it's up to him what he does with it.

Thank you, I have sent another message and been a bit more explicit this time about wanting to listen and have the chance to apologise. Fingers crossed he responds this time, or the next time.

I find it hard because in an ideal world I'd LOVE to have this kind of relationship with him, and chat regularly. But I've always found out about things in his life (new job, redundancy, big promotion, new house, then another big new house, pregnancy, etc.) through my parents. He doesn't talk to me.

However, I accept that a) this is VERY big news, and b) if i want that kind of relationship I need to model it.

Having read your post again maybe it's your DP that need to be talking to him! Hope you are able to sort it out

@Aquamarine1029

Thank you. This is my DH's view. I'd like to share it, but do I see PPs' views about him being hurt to be left out.

You wrote in your post,

"And (I know this is so long, I'm very sorry), the more I've thought about this, the more I've reflected back on our relationship. And the truth is, he's never really liked me, I don't think. He seems to find me intensely irritating and annoyingly (I guess you can't choose your family), and has occasionally sworn at me and been cruel. And before this happened, he didn't acknowledge my birthday, didn't acknowledge my DS's birthday, and a few other things."

Given the way your brother treats you, I fail to see why you would care what he thinks about anything. He sounds like a miserable, bitter person.

"I fail to see why you would care what he thinks about anything."

Because despite being my younger brother, I've always looked up to him. He's always been cooler, finds it easier to make friends, everyone says he's wonderful, he was great at sports and I was the overweight teenagers, he was the fun one and I was the sensible and boring one. I've always wanted his approval.

Because I want the ideal of family, and relationships with nieces and nephews.

Not very rational, I know :)

@tiredteacher100

I find it hard because in an ideal world I'd LOVE to have this kind of relationship with him, and chat regularly. But I've always found out about things in his life (new job, redundancy, big promotion, new house, then another big new house, pregnancy, etc.) through my parents. He doesn't talk to me.

However, I accept that a) this is VERY big news, and b) if i want that kind of relationship I need to model it.

Having read your post again maybe it's your DP that need to be talking to him! Hope you are able to sort it out

Thank you, me too!

He was very cross with DP at first, but things quickly went back to normal. DM is very upset that we're not talking (me and DB) and has offered a few times to say something to him. I've said very strongly that I don't want this.

Firstly, it's a bit flying-monkey-ish, and secondly, I don't want a relationship with him through DM/DP. We're adults; if we want a relationship we should be able to have it directly.

If you had a good relationship with SIL before all this, do you think it might be worth speaking to her to put out some feelers?

My guess is he's feeling rather left out and it is still stinging.