Hello all. This is going to be long, so thank you in advance for reading and responding, if you do.
Short story: Me (and DH, plus three kids) and my parents have sold our respective houses and bought one together that is larger with an annexe next door, for us all to live together. DB (and SIL, by extension, I guess) hasn't spoken to me since he knew this was happening. It's been six months, and we've now been in this new house around two months.
Long story: for many years, me and DM have been talking on and off about living together. DP have provided a fair bit of childcare for both me and DB (DB and SIL have two children, and our children are all aged between 1 and 7), and has stayed with us while doing this (and stayed at DB's when doing it for him). I would describe myself as being close with my parents, and my DH loves them too.
My DH hasn't wanted to leave the city we lived in, and that was a deal-breaker for him for a long time. DP never wanted to live in a city, so it's regularly been discussed offhand about living together but no one ever thought it was a reality. FYI: I would also very happily live with MIL, and DB and his family, if they wanted to.
Anyway, COVID and WFH changed things, plus me and DH getting older (mid-30s) and thinking about the life we want for our DC. Suddenly, he showed an interest in living outside of our city and got excited by the countryside life, and how we'd be able to get a bigger and better house (city money going further outside of the city, etc.). This has also come at a time when DH is changing jobs, so we're both about to WFH indefinitely, or with occasional visits to the city.
It then just happened really quickly, and none of us four (me, DH, DM, DF) really expected it at all. We went from vague, offhand discussions about potential areas to live in, to suddenly finding 'the one' and putting our offer in (neither of us was on the market, that's how quickly this happened).
When DB was told, I hear from my DP that he was VERY shocked and not expecting it at all (fair enough, totally). And from that day he hasn't spoken to me and won't answer my texts (in that time I've sent maybe 1-4 a month - going from 'how are you' and 'haven't heard from you in a while, is everything ok?' at first, to now one a month with a general question or comment in case he wants to reply. He reads them all but doesn't reply. I was worried I'm harrassing him, but there's a family WhatsApp for our family and he posts photos of his children in there, knowing I'll see them. So I'm hoping he doesn't think I'm messaging too much.
By extension, he hasn't spoken to DH in the same timeframe, nor my children. SIL replies to my texts (used to be frequent and we had a good relationship, but are now few and far between) briefly and distantly. Hasn't asked how we are, etc. A few weeks after finding out about the house plans, DB and SIL sent all our Christmas presents in the post - this was September, and at the time the plan was for them to host us at Christmas. (We didn't know what was coming in terms of the COVID rules at that point). So very quickly me and DH realised how the relationship was fracturing. I messaged 'merry Christmas' to DB and he chose not to reply.
DH and DP think DB is very ridiculous and will 'snap out of it' at some point. They say they're all quite taken aback with his behaviour. For me, I'm devastated. Probably not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about DB or tried to speculate what he thinks or why he has cut our relationship.
I don't really know what I want from this post. I know that I can't force DB to do anything, and he might or might not come round. I guess if anyone reads this and sees something obvious that he's upset about and I can try to fix it, then I'd be grateful. I've speculated for months on what's going on....
- Is it that he wants to live with us? (From DP I understand the answer is definitely not, and I'd be surprised if he did)
- Is it that he wants to live with my DP? (Possibly. One month before we decided to do this, he and SIL moved into their forever house in the country (it took months to build it, so a fair bit of time coming), and it has a loft room. DB has mentioned in the past that DP could stay in the loft room when they're elderly; DP are surprised at this because it won't be very accessible to older people if it's not on the ground floor).
- Is it that he wants to be closer to us all? (Maybe, but it would be arguing a tiny point. He used to be ~2.5 hrs from me, now it's about 55 mins. He used to be 45 mins from DP, now he's 55 mins - apparently he's cross that they've moved further away from him).
- Is it that he wants to live where we now do (Possibly, as it's a special part of the country for our family, and a lovely countryside, but he and SIL chose country 1 hour down the road instead).
- Is it that he's worried about DP's relationship with DGC? (Possibly, and this was a HUGE point of mine when we made this decision to move. He won't know it, but I've been clear with DP from the start that I want to make sure DB and SIL's children can visit without feeling like it's OUR home. As a result, we've found somewhere where DP have separate living space in their annex next door, and I've already said that sometimes when DB and SIL visit, me and DH and DC should visit MIL or other family, to not always be here. I've read enough threads about how parents don't feel their children get the same attention as nieces and nephews.)
- Is he worried about inheritance? (Possibly; if it was discussed he'd hear that DP are desperate to be fair about it, and writing various things into their will to ensure he gets 50%).
Have I done something wrong?
And (I know this is so long, I'm very sorry), the more I've thought about this, the more I've reflected back on our relationship. And the truth is, he's never really liked me, I don't think. He seems to find me intensely irritating and annoyingly (I guess you can't choose your family), and has occasionally sworn at me and been cruel. And before this happened, he didn't acknowledge my birthday, didn't acknowledge my DS's birthday, and a few other things. That is NOT to say he's a bad person - in fact, I think I've been coveting his attention our whole lives, but that if at some point in the future we are able to fix this, I probably need to listen to what he has to say and apologise to him, but maybe he should also listen to me and realise he's not been the best brother.
What do people think?