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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think this was ok?!

56 replies

Fudgeytastic · 22/03/2021 07:30

Long story short, husband and I have been together around 13 years and have two primary school aged DC. During lockdown it's become apparent that I'm not happy in the marriage, he has his faults and I'm sure I have mine too. But the sad thing is, I don't love him like I should and I have zero desire to sleep with him. I told him all of this last summer and he almost moved out before Christmas but finances and COVID put a stop to that. We get along ok at the moment and I guess that's given him false hope. And although we sleep in the same bed NOTHING sexual has happened since August last year apart from a drunken moment at Xmas which I regret.

Last night he had quite a few beers but was still coherent when we went to bed. I'd drifted off but I awoke to him with his hand up my top rubbing my nipples. For some reason I tried to pretend to be asleep but this disgusted me so much that I threw his arm off. His reaction was to say "I only wanted a cuddle".

We don't cuddle, we barely have any skin contact on a daily basis. We do, however, get on ok as friends. But I think he was out of order last night but I do think that perhaps he thinks as we're getting on ok that the marriage can be saved. How can you save a marriage where you hate being touched by them? I haven't lost all my sexual desires but I'm also not sleeping with anyone behind his back. But is what he did wrong?

OP posts:
MajorNeville · 22/03/2021 07:34

Yes, he assaulted you.

canigooutyet · 22/03/2021 07:37

is there anyway you can sleep seperately until one of you moves out?

category12 · 22/03/2021 07:38

Yes it was wrong. I would move out of the bedroom or have him move out of the bedroom, and get on with splitting properly.

gutful · 22/03/2021 07:39

Of course it made you feel uncomfortable. The feeling of being physically repulsed by the person you’re sleeping next to is never fun.

But he stopped when you asked & it sounds like he was trying to (poorly) initiate some intimacy.

That you don’t want to isn’t really his fault? If he is generally the good person you say he is & it’s just covid life/personality traits which have worn you down & turned you off him.

Did you ever have passion before?

I do think sparks can be reignited, but if the spark was never there then it’s virtually impossible to create.

you could try counselling, you could agree to have an open marriage, or you can split up basically.

What do YOU want? Do you want to stay together? If sex is off the table how does your future feel for you? Would you be happy to be discreet about any other partners you both have? Would he be ok with that? Would it be easier to split up & call it a day?

It depends why he irks you now & for how long you have felt this way.

Is there anything he could do to change the situation & how you feel towards him?

canigooutyet · 22/03/2021 07:40

Posted too soon
His reasoning is shite. He could have easily cuddled you without his hand up your top.
You were sleeping so he should have kept his hands to himself

Original poster
Fudgeytastic · 22/03/2021 07:59

@canigooutyet

is there anyway you can sleep seperately until one of you moves out?
We don't have a spare bedroom unfortunately.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fudgeytastic · 22/03/2021 08:01

@gutful I think I "made do" years ago so it really is my fault. But we do have two children so if I had gone with my gut back then I wouldn't have the children we have now. Counselling is a possibility but I think the spark went a long time ago Sad

OP posts:
Sunshine3013 · 22/03/2021 08:04

Gosh. I feel sorry for your husband. Why stay with him if he repulses you so much that you even say you regret being intimate with him at Christmas. I would be climbing the walls and would of left you a long time ago. If you don't want to be with him grow a pair and divorce him. Let him find someone who wants to be intimate with him instead of sexually starving him - you were together for 13 years, I hate these posts honestly.

gutful · 22/03/2021 08:08

@Sunshine3013 I do too... because call me jaded it seems like they have gotten the children they want out of the bloke who’ll do & now they have what they want, they no longer want what they have.

This relationship is dead by the sounds of it & it would be a kindness to separate for your own mental + spiritual wellbeings.

It sounds like he is there to work, pay bills etc... this is no existence for either of them

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 08:09

Did he stop when you asked? I would consider it normal for partner to try it on in bed but then, he doesn't think I'm utterly repulsed by him because I'm not.

Saltedhero · 22/03/2021 08:09

I agree with sunshine, don't give the poor man false hope. Be clear about separating and end it he does repulse you.

DeathToCovid · 22/03/2021 08:10

I agree with gutful sounds like he was trying to initiate some intimacy, badly. As long as he stopped when you made it clear it was a no go I don’t think there is an issue, especially as you say, he may be under the impression the marriage can be saved.

It honestly does sound like you’re done with the marriage and if that is so, you really need to move out of the bed and put some space between you both so it feels less like a marriage and begin to put a proper split into motion ASAP.

Lochmorlich · 22/03/2021 08:11

He's in the wrong .
But you need to sort your life out and stop using excuses to have a sexless marriage.
People separate in much more difficult circumstances.

category12 · 22/03/2021 08:13

Could dc share a room if they have their own currently? Could one of you sleep in the living room? If there are no other options, you could just use a good old fashioned bolster between you in bed.

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 08:13

I also do feel as though this post is intended to get people to say that he sexually assaulted OP which, in this case, makes a bit of a mockery of sexual assault. Someone tried to initiate sex with their spouse and stopped when it wasn't reciprocated.

category12 · 22/03/2021 08:17

@Borntohula

I also do feel as though this post is intended to get people to say that he sexually assaulted OP which, in this case, makes a bit of a mockery of sexual assault. Someone tried to initiate sex with their spouse and stopped when it wasn't reciprocated.
It's not quite the case tho, is it? They haven't been having a sexual relationship for some time, and she was asleep. It's not OK to start feeling up someone in their sleep. If he wanted to try it on, he should do it when she's conscious.
Seatime · 22/03/2021 08:18

It's sounds horribly creepy the way he approached you, because it was non consensual. He was drunk and you were asleep. It would be different if you were both awake and communicating sexually, in other words consensual. I would sleep on a floor or a sofa or better yet another building. You need out of this mess.

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 08:29

@category12 so, you believe this guy is effectively a rapist? In a relationship do you expect your partner to be disgusted at the thought of being touched by you? OP needs to make it clear the relationship is over and he needs to respect it.

Saltedhero · 22/03/2021 08:34

I don't see that as assault, just a daft drunken husband trying it on and hoping to have some intimacy back from his wife as long as he stopped when asked.

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2021 08:38

I don’t see this as assault either, I see it as him drunkenly trying it on. I think you need to have a clear convo with him. Xmas wasn’t that long ago, when you were last sexually intimate, so he likely doesn’t know this is a complete no go for you and that side of your marriage is totally over now, never to be resurrected.

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2021 08:39

They haven't been having a sexual relationship for some time

Well it depends if you feel Xmas was quite some time ago?

category12 · 22/03/2021 08:40

[quote Borntohula]@category12 so, you believe this guy is effectively a rapist? In a relationship do you expect your partner to be disgusted at the thought of being touched by you? OP needs to make it clear the relationship is over and he needs to respect it.[/quote]
It's not as innocuous as just initiating sex either, is it, though?

He neither had reason to think his advances would be well received, nor the benefit of the doubt given by her being bloody conscious at the time. They had had that conversation where op made it clear she no longer wanted sex with him. While in a normal relationship, it might sometimes be OK and welcome to initiate sleepy sex, it really isn't, in these circumstances. I'm not bundling him off to the police station, but I am saying this is not OK.

gutful · 22/03/2021 08:44

Try waking up with a finger or penis inside you then let’s talk assault!

To paint a man who as far as we know has had sex once in 12 months a rapist for touching his wife’s breast then stopping when she told him to is not “sexual assault”

And it’s an Insult to those who have been sexually assaulted

He doesn’t sound like a sex pest. He sounds pathetic & under the thumb. He is putting up with a partner who tolerates him at best, while having a strong aversion to him she hides to keep up a pretence of “happy families” and lifestyle comfort

I can almost guarantee he is likely a hard working man & not a cocklodger or she would have mentioned it.

So as far as we know he is good for his bank account & sperm donor

This is a sad miserable existence & it sounds like the OP knew she didn’t love him the way she should prior to children

He is now apparently trapped playing family man but he doesn’t have a wife

Just a cardboard cutout where his partner should be

Cut the poor person some slack here!

He sounds downtrodden.

MaMaD1990 · 22/03/2021 08:45

Although what he did isn't right, it does sound like he's confused by the situation and doesn't really know where you stand. Have you spoken to him since December to say you don't want sex with him and that, effectively, the marriage is over? I wouldn't go so far as to say he's abused you IF you haven't had this conversation with him. If you have and still went ahead and did this, I would call it abuse. Although he is responsible for his actions, you are also responsible for drawing a line in the sand and clearing the situation up with him.

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 08:45

Have they had that conversation? Must have missed that.

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