I don't think this was ok?!

[Fudgeytastic]

Long story short, husband and I have been together around 13 years and have two primary school aged DC. During lockdown it's become apparent that I'm not happy in the marriage, he has his faults and I'm sure I have mine too. But the sad thing is, I don't love him like I should and I have zero desire to sleep with him. I told him all of this last summer and he almost moved out before Christmas but finances and COVID put a stop to that. We get along ok at the moment and I guess that's given him false hope. And although we sleep in the same bed NOTHING sexual has happened since August last year apart from a drunken moment at Xmas which I regret.

Last night he had quite a few beers but was still coherent when we went to bed. I'd drifted off but I awoke to him with his hand up my top rubbing my nipples. For some reason I tried to pretend to be asleep but this disgusted me so much that I threw his arm off. His reaction was to say "I only wanted a cuddle".

We don't cuddle, we barely have any skin contact on a daily basis. We do, however, get on ok as friends. But I think he was out of order last night but I do think that perhaps he thinks as we're getting on ok that the marriage can be saved. How can you save a marriage where you hate being touched by them? I haven't lost all my sexual desires but I'm also not sleeping with anyone behind his back. But is what he did wrong?

Would we be saying that the women sexually assaulted her husband if she was to try to initiate with him in a sleepy daze? No I think most people would be outraged at him! Sex is a basic need for all. If you can't give it to him then either divorce him or don't be surprised when you find out hes having an affair

@Borntohula

I also do feel as though this post is intended to get people to say that he sexually assaulted OP which, in this case, makes a bit of a mockery of sexual assault. Someone tried to initiate sex with their spouse and stopped when it wasn't reciprocated.

This. It wasnt assault and it absolutely makes a mockery of sexual assault. He tried for intimacy with his wife who said no and he stopped.

To be honest I feel sorry for him. No matter how friendly you are, he absolutely knows you find him repulsive. It must be an awful way to live as he sounds like he still loves you. Do him a favour and instigate separation covid or no covid

@gutful

Try waking up with a finger or penis inside you then let’s talk assault!

To paint a man who as far as we know has had sex once in 12 months a rapist for touching his wife’s breast then stopping when she told him to is not “sexual assault”

And it’s an Insult to those who have been sexually assaulted

He doesn’t sound like a sex pest. He sounds pathetic & under the thumb. He is putting up with a partner who tolerates him at best, while having a strong aversion to him she hides to keep up a pretence of “happy families” and lifestyle comfort

I can almost guarantee he is likely a hard working man & not a cocklodger or she would have mentioned it.

So as far as we know he is good for his bank account & sperm donor

This is a sad miserable existence & it sounds like the OP knew she didn’t love him the way she should prior to children

He is now apparently trapped playing family man but he doesn’t have a wife

Just a cardboard cutout where his partner should be

Cut the poor person some slack here!

He sounds downtrodden.

I agree with this. He stopped as soon as she said no, she woke and 'pretended' to be asleep, he may have known she was awake and she didn't say no then so he would have got the wrong impression. above posters that say she made it clear she didn't want sex with him. Yes she did do that, but then proceeded to have sex with him at Christmas. The poor bloke has had many mixed signals, was a bit drunk and hoping to save some sort of relationship with his wife. He maybe didn't know that she was initially asleep even. she needs to be explicitly clear that it is over and that she wants to separate and then stick to it. its not fair to mess him around and then feel violated when he gets the wrong signals and tries to initiate sex. Just because she regretted the Christmas shag, doesn't mean that he did. for him it was likely a beacon of hope that there was a chance of repairing their relationship.

Just sounds like a clumsy attempt to initiate something physical between you.

Do you know why you've lost sexual attraction to him - has he changed, or done something, or have your desires changed? It doesn't sound like he's done anything majorly wrong to cause you to you feel so turned off by him? Relationships take work to maintain, and it sounds like you've given up on it/him, but haven't given any clue as to why. Could the relationship be salvageable?

@Sunshine3013

Gosh. I feel sorry for your husband. Why stay with him if he repulses you so much that you even say you regret being intimate with him at Christmas. I would be climbing the walls and would of left you a long time ago. If you don't want to be with him grow a pair and divorce him. Let him find someone who wants to be intimate with him instead of sexually starving him - you were together for 13 years, I hate these posts honestly.

Completely agree.

Okay sooooo spouses shouldn't be initiating sex with their partner if they're asleep?

Generally? NO absolutely not. If someone is asleep they cannot consent to any of the things that are involved in initiating sex. He didn't wake her up and suggest sex, he didn't give her a kiss to wake her up, he started touching her in a sexual way when he believed her to be asleep.

In some relationships being woken up by some sort of sexual behaviour may be okay if it's been agreed on by both of you when you're both conscious, but that's clearly not the case here