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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't think this was ok?!

56 replies

Fudgeytastic · 22/03/2021 07:30

Long story short, husband and I have been together around 13 years and have two primary school aged DC. During lockdown it's become apparent that I'm not happy in the marriage, he has his faults and I'm sure I have mine too. But the sad thing is, I don't love him like I should and I have zero desire to sleep with him. I told him all of this last summer and he almost moved out before Christmas but finances and COVID put a stop to that. We get along ok at the moment and I guess that's given him false hope. And although we sleep in the same bed NOTHING sexual has happened since August last year apart from a drunken moment at Xmas which I regret.

Last night he had quite a few beers but was still coherent when we went to bed. I'd drifted off but I awoke to him with his hand up my top rubbing my nipples. For some reason I tried to pretend to be asleep but this disgusted me so much that I threw his arm off. His reaction was to say "I only wanted a cuddle".

We don't cuddle, we barely have any skin contact on a daily basis. We do, however, get on ok as friends. But I think he was out of order last night but I do think that perhaps he thinks as we're getting on ok that the marriage can be saved. How can you save a marriage where you hate being touched by them? I haven't lost all my sexual desires but I'm also not sleeping with anyone behind his back. But is what he did wrong?

OP posts:
gutful · 22/03/2021 08:47

And the OP admits herself that she had been allowing him to hold “false hope” about the marriage

So it’s possible he was hoping this advance would be received well

It says he hasn’t made a move on her since Xmas! They haven’t touched since Xmas

He has had a few drinks & it’s given him a bit of courage to grow a dick & try some intimacy with his wife.

She said no, he stopped. Sounds like he would happily have settled for that cuddle too, considering the lack of “skin to skin” contact OP said it herself.

She doesn’t love him so of course anything he does will seem “creeepy”

This doesn’t automatically make him a creep though

Tal45 · 22/03/2021 08:48

You need to split up properly and definitely not be sleeping in the same bed.

Michaelangelo467 · 22/03/2021 08:50

You want out, so be honest with him. He’s clearly trying to get a normal marriage back. It’s not fair to make him live like this, if you don’t want him, tell him and let him plan another life.

Mintjulia · 22/03/2021 08:54

Groping you while you were asleep definitely isn't ok but I can see why the man is confused. You're his wife, you sleep in the same bed, you get on ok day to day and you had sex at Xmas.

You need to deal with this. Move out or sort sleeping arrangements so there can be no confusion. Asking him to live in limbo isn't fair or healthy for anyone.

MaMaD1990 · 22/03/2021 08:57

@catergory12 The problem is, yes she had a conversation with him 8 months ago but she then went and had sex with him 4 months later. Can you understand why he would be confused? This all depends on whether the OP has spoken to him about having no sex etc AFTER December. If she hasn't, he's not done anything wrong IMO.

category12 · 22/03/2021 09:13

[quote MaMaD1990]@catergory12 The problem is, yes she had a conversation with him 8 months ago but she then went and had sex with him 4 months later. Can you understand why he would be confused? This all depends on whether the OP has spoken to him about having no sex etc AFTER December. If she hasn't, he's not done anything wrong IMO.[/quote]
Is a "drunken moment" full sex? We also don't know whether op told him she regretted it - she may have done - and since then there's been nothing.

I think there's ground between "he did nothing wrong" and "he's a rapist" Hmm.

Is it OK to grope someone who you must have doubts will receive it well, in their sleep? I think the answer is pretty obviously, no, it's not OK.

Am I calling him a rapist and shoving him in a jail cell? No.

BabyBee93 · 22/03/2021 09:17

I don't think he's done anything that wrong? He stopped when you asked, which is the main thing

You're probably repulsed by it because you're repulsed by him

Original poster
Fudgeytastic · 22/03/2021 09:29

[quote gutful]@Sunshine3013 I do too... because call me jaded it seems like they have gotten the children they want out of the bloke who’ll do & now they have what they want, they no longer want what they have.

This relationship is dead by the sounds of it & it would be a kindness to separate for your own mental + spiritual wellbeings.

It sounds like he is there to work, pay bills etc... this is no existence for either of them[/quote]
I tried to make the marriage work. We both have. I'm the main earner by the way and I could afford the split better than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fudgeytastic · 22/03/2021 09:30

@Borntohula

I also do feel as though this post is intended to get people to say that he sexually assaulted OP which, in this case, makes a bit of a mockery of sexual assault. Someone tried to initiate sex with their spouse and stopped when it wasn't reciprocated.
I'm not trying to say he assaulted me. He was drunk, I was asleep. If we were both awake and he tried it on I wouldn't have posted.
OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 22/03/2021 09:32

I'm sorry your thread has been taken over by surrendered-wife types, OP, how bizarre Confused

Of course it wasn't OK for him to help himself to your body while you were asleep and unable to consent. It's never OK. He knows that.

I do think you need to rip the plaster off and leave him.

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2021 09:33

Its not sexual assault. Hes toyed partner while you live with and share a bed with. You slept with him in december. He tried to initiate sex, you said no, he stopped. It's not his fault you despise him so much. I actually feel very sorry for him. If he cannot afford to move out then you'll have to sell the property(if you both own one) to allow him to do this. So you can both get on with your lives.

Beautiful3 · 22/03/2021 09:37

Your

BabyBee93 · 22/03/2021 09:41

It's not OK to start feeling up someone in their sleep. If he wanted to try it on, he should do it when she's conscious.

Okay sooooo spouses shouldn't be initiating sex with their partner if they're asleep? Initiating sex and actually having sex are two very different things! He stopped when she told him to, therefore he recognised her withdrawal of consent so how is there a problem?

Totally agree with @Borntohula, the narrative that this is sexual assault makes a mockery of genuine sexual assault

My OH will often initiate sex in the morning when he's awake before me, sometimes it materialises and sometimes it doesn't. I've never felt assaulted

category12 · 22/03/2021 09:48

@BabyBee93

It's not OK to start feeling up someone in their sleep. If he wanted to try it on, he should do it when she's conscious.

Okay sooooo spouses shouldn't be initiating sex with their partner if they're asleep? Initiating sex and actually having sex are two very different things! He stopped when she told him to, therefore he recognised her withdrawal of consent so how is there a problem?

Totally agree with @Borntohula, the narrative that this is sexual assault makes a mockery of genuine sexual assault

My OH will often initiate sex in the morning when he's awake before me, sometimes it materialises and sometimes it doesn't. I've never felt assaulted

As I said in my next post, While in a normal relationship, it might sometimes be OK and welcome to initiate sleepy sex, it really isn't, in these circumstances. Of course you don't feel assaulted when you have a good relationship and it's welcome and accepted between you. It's a bit different when the relationship is not good and the sexual side is gone/strained. It's context.
Borntohula · 22/03/2021 09:49

@sadpapercourtesan

I'm sorry your thread has been taken over by surrendered-wife types, OP, how bizarre Confused

Of course it wasn't OK for him to help himself to your body while you were asleep and unable to consent. It's never OK. He knows that.

I do think you need to rip the plaster off and leave him.

Nah, not 'surrendered wives.' People who actively want intimacy with the people we sleep next to. If I found my 'partner' revolting, I would not be sharing a bed with him.
bellsbuss · 22/03/2021 10:09

It wasn't sexual assault and I hate the way that term is bandied around on here. He stopped when asked, OP is giving her husband mixed signals and if she is that unhappy and repulsed by him she needs to leave him. Hopefully he will meet someone else who wants to be with him.

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 10:53

'It wasn't sexual assault and I hate the way that term is bandied around on here.'

So do I. I imagine most of us here have experienced genuine sexual assault at some point and that one of the first responses was - sadly, predictably - 'LTB, HE ASSAULTED YOU' when he didn't is an insult to SA victims. NOBODY should be pressured into sex or be having sex that they don't want. There are an awful lot of threads that describe disgusting and wrong male behaviour relating to sex. Imo, this isn't one of those.

Tyredofallthis1 · 22/03/2021 11:09

@Borntohula the OP has been clear that she doesn't want intimacy. She wants to split up. Why does he think that her saying that they want to split up mean that he can help himself?

It's legal for her to say 'no' these days.

Candyfloss99 · 22/03/2021 11:13

Oh just leave him, your poor children being witness to a relationship like that.

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 11:26

[quote Tyredofallthis1]@Borntohula the OP has been clear that she doesn't want intimacy. She wants to split up. Why does he think that her saying that they want to split up mean that he can help himself?

It's legal for her to say 'no' these days.[/quote]
A. She's been clear on here, certainly. Apparently they discussed separating but have since been sexually intimate and are still sharing a bed. If the husband is aware that OP finds him repulsive and he makes her skin crawl then fair enough, I'm wrong.

B. It's legal to say no, thankfully. OP exercised her right to say no. As far as I can see, that was that.

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 11:29

And pretending that I'm suggesting anything other than 'nobody should have sex they don't want' does not make it true. Not only should OP not ever sleep with her husband again, she should end the entire relationship for both their sakes. An unhappy, sexless relationship sounds really dire, tbh.

BurbageBrook · 22/03/2021 11:35

Your husband touching your breast and then stopping when you said no, when you share a bed with him, is not sexual assault. It's an attempt at sleepy initiation - which you rejected and he then accepted. It's an insult to sexual assault survivors to call this assault.
Also, your relationship sounds toxic for you both, and like it needs to end ASAP.

booboo24 · 22/03/2021 11:36

I 100% agree with @gutful here. Not much to add as they have said it all perfectly. I strongly agree with those saying that these type of threads make a mockery of those that have truly been sexually assaulted

Borntohula · 22/03/2021 11:41

Seriously, imagine a guy coming on here and describing a relationship in which he regrets the last time he had sex with his wife and that she still tries to initiate but he pushes her away because, even though he still feels sexual desire, it's not for her because he finds her disgusting. He'd get torn to shreds when in reality, no one is the 'villain.' Not a chance in hell would anyone suggest the wife was sexually abusive.

Tomyoneandonly · 22/03/2021 11:49

This is no where near abuse or assault. Sounds like a man in bed with his wife for over 10years wanting closeness. Seriously why are you sleeping in the same bed with your husband who repulse you? There is really no excuse for it . Does he feel the same way about you? I just guess not

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