No birthday present two years running

[MarlowesSister]

Perhaps this is an AIBU but here I am.
I had a big birthday last year at the start of lock down. My DH and teenage children and 7year old didn't get me a gift "too difficult" with lock down. (Incidentally my parents also didn't send me anything, neither did my best friend, my sister sent me something the following day). The only present I opened was the one my colleague from work got me - I lovely personalised mug that lasted one day before my husband smashed it (unintentionally) the following day. I didn't ever get a present from my DH or children. Or my parents come to think about it. My best friend sent me a jokey present in September.
I spoke to my DH at the time and afterwards and said I was pretty upset by not having anything.
This year I opened my presents which were two things. One from my Mum that I had specifically asked for, and one from my sister. My DH and kids around me... I said "is there anything from you all?". And got a jokey reply that it hadn't arrived yet. So for the second year in a row I had no present from my DH/kids.
I simply went upstairs and cried for the whole morning. The kids were busy so didn't notice and DH went to work for the morning.
I spoke to DH in the evening to say how incredibly hurt I was. How even if the present hadn't come, he must have known that by the Friday morning,and yet he didn't bother to get some sort of emergency present or IOU note or nicely written out poem or just anything I could unwrap.
My Mum rang me for my birthday and spent twenty minutes telling me about her stress and how she was self harming.
I still haven't had any kind of gift AT ALL.
Ultimately, it's me that's a mug isn't it. I just feel so utterly lonely I think it is.

Thats Really thoughtless. Do you get him anything? I'd stop if you do.

Dh didn't get me a present for one of my big birthdays, I had friends pop in bringing gifts and cards, when asked I told them he hadn't got me anything He said I'd embarrassed him and he was getting me something later. he then went out and bought me a pair of 5k earrings, it wasn't the point though.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be upset.

More so for the first birthday which was a big one. I’d be hurt massively and I would imagine your dh and kids would expect a milestone birthday to be marked.

For this years which isn’t a big one, personally I would of been happy with a card and a bar of chocolate or something . Just a little something to show you’ve been thought of.

Yes I get him and usually also make him something. I always do a homemade cake, usually a home made gift of some sort, at least one present from me (book, a food he likes, and something a bit off the wall) and a present from the kids (usually something foodie or sport related). He has a landmark birthday coming up. I couldn't bear not getting him anything or celebrating it properly.

Thinking of you OP. Men in general aren’t good about card and present buying in my experience. Women seem to place more importance on it I feel. Teenagers are often wrapped up in themselves at that age and if your DH hasn’t reminded the 7 yr old it’s doubtful the child would remember.
However, it’s easily solved. Conveniently forget their birthdays next year, hard as that might be for you. When they complain, say you thought cards and presents weren’t important to them as they didn’t give you any.

Some men are thoughtless about special occasions and gift giving just isn’t in them. I’ve had a few like this and like you at the time it upsets me and they genuinely don’t seem to understand.

I always tell them in no uncertain terms that I expect a present, even if it is a token gift like a chocolate orange. They always oblige although this Christmas I got a bikini

This is massively shit.

Was your birthday a surprise? Did you move it from last year? 😔😬😬

I keep.an amazon gift list. My oh would not forget but he's not great at presents..

The thing is, he already knew how i felt from last year. It wasn't like I sat back and silently seethed for a year, I was crystal clear in telling him how hurt I was. He forgot/ "didn't have time" before we had kids too and I told him then.
There is something about me, I am the common denominator here. Invisibility perhaps.

I really feel for you @MarlowesSister, but I don’t know how you can change things- you’ve been so direct and they’re still incredibly thoughtless. Definitely no acknowledgement of birthdays from you for the adults involved, but make a big fuss of the kids.

You need to talk about your love language - www.5lovelanguages.com/

Personally, I don't care about birthday presents or remembering birthdays, but if you do, then you need to discuss this. Maybe gift giving isn't his love language. But if it's yours, then he needs to acknowledge this.

Very thoughtless, plenty of online shopping available

Tbh my DH is like this;he's often just thoughtless.My kids who are now teenagers and my mum will often prompt him.My Mother's Day present didn't arrive until Wednesday as he'd forgotten;My eldest showed his dad up though as he'd asked me for some money a few days prior to Mother's Day but wouldn't say what it was for and he went to the local Tesco for a box of my favourite chocolates and a card.It was so simple but a lovely gesture which I appreciated.

Tbh with things like Amazon etc there's no excuse for no present even if it's just a bottle of your favourite wine.It takes all of 5 minutes (or 10 if they struggle with tech) to order a nice box of chocolate or something

If you get him something for his birthday OP then I'm sorry you are a mug. When my husband starting pulling this shit I stopped buying him anything - he understood how it felt when he got nothing, and more importantly how I felt. Regardless, I know ALWAYS really treat myself on my birthday regardless of whether anyone else does. Look after yourself and stop being a martyr. xx

Why would you do anything for his birthday after that?? I don’t get it.
I’m not a tit for tat person but he seems to care so little for you so why would you go to any effort for him?

It’s because of your dh’s attitude that your dc don’t think to do anything for you either.
You sound like a lovely selfless and caring person but you’re letting people around you treat you like you don’t matter. Show them that you do.

@MarlowesSister

Yes I get him and usually also make him something. I always do a homemade cake, usually a home made gift of some sort, at least one present from me (book, a food he likes, and something a bit off the wall) and a present from the kids (usually something foodie or sport related). He has a landmark birthday coming up. I couldn't bear not getting him anything or celebrating it properly.

But it would be a good thing to do, I think.

Have from me.

This is your common denominator He has a landmark birthday coming up. I couldn't bear not getting him anything or celebrating it properly.

You continue to be a mug because your standards/loving feelings are 'higher'? The people around you take and take and take, they have no reason not to be selfish, because you deliver anyway. Your dh should have learned his lesson from previous mistakes, your dc should have been taught by good example.

Imo your dh is plain lazy and uncaring, why cater to him?
If he expects any any celebration of his birthday he better make all the forgotten occasions up to you before expecting anything. TELL HIM.

Stop woman, bear ignoring those ignoring you , you are raising your dcs to be as selfish as your dh. And you to have a lifetime of martyrdom.

That is really terrible. If it wasn't lockdown I would have gone off for the day on my own.

Something is really wrong that you can be so nice to others and they don't reciprocate. I think I'd get the family to sit down and tell them how hurt you are. I'd leave the room immediately and let them stew on it. You poor thing.

I'm so sorry OP. Happy belated birthday . It doesn't matter what your love language is, or his, it's simply unkind to not acknowledge a birthday of a loved one, especially a spouse or parent. Bloody hell, even my exH gets me a card and present, asking the boys what I would like. They made my mother's day gift with his help. It's his birthday this week and I always make a big effort- presents, home made cake with the kids, nice cards- because it shows him the boys care and so do I, he's a good person.

My DH is great- he asks way in advance for ideas and then liaises with my sister. He knows he's not brilliant at coming up with ideas so asks for help. It's just what you do.

Wish I knew where you lived and I'd send you some chocs.

Were your kids not completely mortified last year that they'd forgotten your big birthday? If not, WTF is wrong with them? And they forgot again this year? Do they not get the GPs/aunties/uncles/ your H/each other birthday presents either? or...?
I mean w. T. Actual. F. , Getting a card and a wrapped present for your near relations' birthdays is a basic social skill, what is going on here? What do your kids' friends think of the fact they can't be arsed to get their Mum a card and present?

In other words ...I'm not sure I have any other words, I think I'm speechless!

I take it your H isn't a Witness or otherwise has some birthday-free cultural background?

I forgot my step Dad's birthday once when I was away at uni, but in my defence I had remembered father's Day and was horrified that I'd missed it, I'd just been busy and realized how hurtful this was. And we weren't close (he buggered off and abandoned my mum for another woman a couple of years later, and I never saw him again).

I'd be fucked if I got him anything for his Birthday this year OP. Even better as it's a big one for him. See how the selfish sod likes it.

Op, I know you don't want to stoop to his level but you'll continue to be overlooked if you keep doing the same thing year in year out.

... why are the DC not buying your DH (AND YOU!!!) cards and presents themselves? Do they not have pocket money?

(Apologies if they have some sort of condition which mean they really can't even draw a card or get the other parent to buy something off the internet and give them the money but from what you say it doesn't sound like that).

He is setting a terrible example to your DC. He sounds like a lazy uncaring knob. But do read five languages of love!

You need to tell your teenagers in no uncertain terms that their behaviour is unacceptable otherwise the cycle never stops and they'll simply grow up to be like your husband.

Absolutely punish all 3 of them by not bying them a present or card on their next birthday.

happy birthday Marlowe

Time for some tough love - you're being taken for a mug

Whose birthday is next ? If it's the 7yr olds then leave this for the next one. Nothing - no card, no cake, no present, no acknowledgement. Nothing, zilch, zero, nada.
I know it sounds harsh and it is. But their treatment of you is totally unacceptable. If money is tight there's plenty they can do - breakfast in bed, cook all meals and tidy up afterwards, homemade cards etc.

I personally don't sign up to the 'don't give to receive' ethos. I'm much more a 'you scratch my my back, I'll scratch yours'. Reciprocity is the name of the game. Tit for tat in game theory is the strongest negotiating ploy - I'll do something on trust for you, but if you don't play at returning the favour at the 1st opportunity - all bets are off.

And don't you get tempted to be nice for his landmark birthday. And don't remind the kids either for that matter. If he starts hinting, play dumb 'Really dear, I didn't think we were marking birthdays anymore. You didn't bother with mine so .....'

My DP didn't bother for a Mother's Day when DD was very small and too young to remind him. Fine. Claims he's not bothered about birthdays, Christmas, et - yeah right. Come Father's day - from me nothing, zilch, zero, nada. He's remembered ever since. play hard ball girl, play hard ball.

Ah OP this makes my heart hurt.
I'd like to think of myself not materialistic but I love buying presents for people. I dont expect a lot for my birthday but I expect something.. OH always feels a lot of pressure as I go all out and I am quite good at gift getting!!
But as much as I play off it doesnt mean much to me this situation would really up set me. You have the right to be upset!!! How old are your children? If they are late teens they should be thinking about you too. Even if it's a homemade cake or a nice run bubble bath it doesnt have to be a lot. I dont understand peoples mentality of not acknowledging their mums birthday. I wish I could give you a squeeze and make you a cake OP. Xx