No birthday present two years running

[MarlowesSister]

Perhaps this is an AIBU but here I am.
I had a big birthday last year at the start of lock down. My DH and teenage children and 7year old didn't get me a gift "too difficult" with lock down. (Incidentally my parents also didn't send me anything, neither did my best friend, my sister sent me something the following day). The only present I opened was the one my colleague from work got me - I lovely personalised mug that lasted one day before my husband smashed it (unintentionally) the following day. I didn't ever get a present from my DH or children. Or my parents come to think about it. My best friend sent me a jokey present in September.
I spoke to my DH at the time and afterwards and said I was pretty upset by not having anything.
This year I opened my presents which were two things. One from my Mum that I had specifically asked for, and one from my sister. My DH and kids around me... I said "is there anything from you all?". And got a jokey reply that it hadn't arrived yet. So for the second year in a row I had no present from my DH/kids.
I simply went upstairs and cried for the whole morning. The kids were busy so didn't notice and DH went to work for the morning.
I spoke to DH in the evening to say how incredibly hurt I was. How even if the present hadn't come, he must have known that by the Friday morning,and yet he didn't bother to get some sort of emergency present or IOU note or nicely written out poem or just anything I could unwrap.
My Mum rang me for my birthday and spent twenty minutes telling me about her stress and how she was self harming.
I still haven't had any kind of gift AT ALL.
Ultimately, it's me that's a mug isn't it. I just feel so utterly lonely I think it is.

God OP, that is awful, I'm so sorry. Happy Birthday.

I cannot believe the male apologists here excusing the poor men who just aren't good at this stuff. It's absolutely pitiful. To meet the minimum requirement here literally all that is needed is for them to put a reminder in their calender a week before your birthday and go online and buy some fucking flowers or chocolates.

If these men were unable to figure out how to take such a basic action to improve repeated poor performance at work they would be unemployable. End of.

Languages of love my arse. We're not talking about an intricate, deeply personal series of exquisitely chosen gifts, we are talking about a fucking chocolate orange and a bunch of tulips. This level of inattention to someone else's feelings is inexcusable.

Happy birthday

You deserve better from your family

I wouldn't buy him anything else again either.

Tell your kids (the teens anyway) you felt upset and disappointed and how would they feel if it was other way round. Tell them you feel unappreciated. Mine were a bit rubbish (and self absorbed) early teens but are much better now but only because I called them out on it. They do take you for granted and its fine to point it out. I wouldnt punish the kids by not buying for them birthdays are a bigger deal as a kid.

I'm not overly bothered about presents but I have some friends for example who it means a lot to so I make an effort for them.

I don't think i have gotten my best friend a present in decades (or she me) because neither of us are bothered (we live in different countries so don't see each other on our birthdays).

So anyway, don't get your husband anything for his next birthday. Instead, get yourself something.

I am not into presents/flowers for my bday but your hurt is palpable in this post & feel sorry for you.

It's not like you were expecting a fanfare - sounds like you would have been happy with a mug printing "LOVE U MUM" and some petrol station flowers. Or just a handmade card or something? Anything!

I think you need to pull the plug on any bday celebrations for your partner & kids - just don't do anything for their bdays one year & they won't soon forget it.

It sounds petty but really the only way they will learn is if their bdays pass without any notice from you

And when they ask where their present is look them dead in the eye & remind them of how nothing was done on your bday, doesn't feel very nice does it champ!

These past two years are the only time they have forgot then?

That is strange if your h and children did before. Is he angry or resentful with you for something?

No matter, nothing for his birthday, treat it as any other day.
The only problem with this course of action is who will then break the cycle, he is likely not to get you something on your next birthday.

Absolute twat though.
They sound like they all take you for granted, time to show them how to respect you and the things you do for them.

You can feel your hurt through your posts. I’m very much about the thought and your dh and kids have been incredibly thoughtless. I’m not sure I’d bother getting anything for your DH for his birthday. He knew you were hurt last year and hasn’t bothered again. It doesn’t take a lot to order a card, some flowers and some chocolates. To show some thought. Very very selfish.

You = doormat. You have to lay it on the line op. They make a change or you are going to down tools!

I wouldn’t buy him anything for his birthday either. Come to think of it, depending on the teenagers ages, they’d get Jack shit too (I’m talking late teens). When me and my db were kids we always got our dm a birthday card and present. My df hardly bought her anything, but we’d pester him to take us to the shops to buy her a gift with our pocket money.
It’s naff

People treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. You are making yourself clear and being ignored and forgotten because you'll have a cry, pick yourself up and carry on with caring for your family. It has zero impact on anyone else and they don't seem to care if you're hurt. Stop buying anyone else presents, books yourself a weekend away with a friend for your next birthday and start doing the things in life that you want for yourself because sadly no one else will

He’s the common denominator here; clearly you didn’t make it apparent you wouldn’t tolerate this shit before you had kids so he’s carrying on ignoring your birthday now.

Lockdown is absolutely no excuse, everything can be purchased online with enough notice so it’s actually there on the day. There is no excuse for this behaviour, is it the only way your husband is a thoughtless knob towards you? I’m betting not.

Don’t get him anything for his birthday because he’ll be your ex by then.

What did he actually say when you told him how upset you are?

@MarlowesSister

Yes I get him and usually also make him something. I always do a homemade cake, usually a home made gift of some sort, at least one present from me (book, a food he likes, and something a bit off the wall) and a present from the kids (usually something foodie or sport related). He has a landmark birthday coming up. I couldn't bear not getting him anything or celebrating it properly.

You're too nice and they are all walking over you. How dare they? I'm angry for you. Please forget his big birthday. Why should he have all the good stuff? It would be the start of the bloody end for me

This isnt thoughtless it's absolutely bloody selfish.
You are not important enough in his eyes.
I'm raging on your behalf.
Do not buy him a gift on his birthday because otherwise he'll never learn.
On his birthday say happy birthday and leave it at that.
He needs to know how it feels to be dismissed so easily.

Last weekend my dh gave me a card for our anniversary. I had told him I didn't want sweets or wine as a gift so assumed the card was all, fair enough.
He then said he would buy croissants for breakfast and came back with the most glorious bouquet which he had ordered the day before.
Thats what a caring, thoughtful partner does.

Actually, don't forget his birthday. Just send him a nice text halfway through the day. Say you cant wait till he gets home as you've booked something. Then when he does get in, go out for the evening and he can stay home with the kids.

My DP doesn't bother so I don't bother with his birthday. It upset me for a couple of years until I realised it wouldn't change. He gets a couple of very small presents at Christmas so he has something to open with everyone else but I buy all my own gifts so it means more £££ for me to treat myself!!

That’s really sad OP, so sorry. I think the most upsetting thing for me is that he’s teaching the kids that’s it’s okay not to appreciate Mum, even though you’re the one making a big fuss of them all on their birthdays. So the teenagers probably think it’s no big deal to ignore their mums birthday if that’s what they’ve seen from him.

I’d be telling all of them how upset and offended I am and that if they don’t want to bother doing birthdays anymore then that’s fine but they shouldn’t expect anything for themselves.

Is your husband this thoughtless in other ways? If he’s the perfect husband and just not into birthdays that’s one thing, but something tells me he’s probably a bit shit generally.

I wouldn't buy the selfish, thoughtless shit anything this year.

I'd not buy him anything either. Id treat yourself and tell them why. I hate thoughtlessness like this.

@cheeseismydownfall Completely agree with you about the male apologists

You're too kind and too tolerant. No birthday gift for his big landmark birthday this year - and instead, I'd be spending that money on something lush for myself.

I'd buy him something. A diary with a count down to my birthday written on every page.
You need to speak to your children as well. They are teenagers, it is not ok.

You sound so kind and lovely.
You deserve to be acknowledged and have your day brightened.

I'm angry he "accidently" broke your lovely cup too so fast.
My ex was pretty good at breaking or damaging my nice things on "accident"

I'm with the skip his birthday, father's day, and so on this year.

How is the rest of your marriage?