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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H on IE at our son's birthday treat

84 replies

Bluecoatwoman · 21/03/2021 13:43

Just that. I found out recently that H is on IE.
Our young son had picked a video for us all to watch together as his birthday treat. H spent the whole video on his phone. He's been doing this a lot when we watch videos so I created a basic account on IE so I can check whether he is on IE at those times, and he is.

I don't really give that much of a shit if he finds some poor woman to have unsatisfying sex (from her point of view) with him, but looking for women to shag during his son's birthday do is just grotesque. These video nights are meant to be done together as a family thing. But when our son asks his Dad some question about the film or makes some comment, his Dad is just like, 'whhhaaat?' because he has no idea what is going on. And now I know its because he is prioritising finding a woman to have sex with over sharing something with his son that his son enjoys.
Low, low, low.

Just needed to get that off my chest.

OP posts:

gutful · 21/03/2021 14:42

That you don’t care that he is on this website makes it seem like the marriage is on its death throes & not such a big deal

Does every parent watch kids’ movies with the same amount of attention kids do?

I have never really understood the fascination some adults have with kids movies, so don’t see surfing the internet as a harmful thing to be doing.

That the OP doesn’t actually care that he is on this website seems to be a clue as to why he was on it in the first place

Are you staying together for the children? Because that’s what it sounds like based on this post.

You seem to be upset that his focus wasn’t on a children’s movie - which isn’t really the actual problem is it?

peboh · 21/03/2021 14:46

Op are you in an open relationship?
If you truly don't care that he's seeking sexual relationships outside of your marriage then you just need to let him know that you know but he needs to put his son above his own needs.

peboh · 21/03/2021 14:47

Though I will say, I think you do care and you're putting your anger into something else. The fact you feel the need to comment on how the sex would be lacking, and that you've created an account.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 21/03/2021 14:48

For the love of god woman, get some self respect and leave the bastard

Original poster

Bluecoatwoman · 21/03/2021 14:52

@OldEvilOwl

So you were also online checking that he was online 'the whole time' you were all supposed to be watching a film? why are you still together? doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship

No. I waited till the film was over and put the kids to bed. You can tell if someone was on the site very recently. And he had been.

OP posts:

canigooutyet · 21/03/2021 14:52

When you have some time can I suggest you read
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
Even if your marriage is open.

You clearly care about the situation as a whole otherwise you wouldn’t want to talk to someone.

If you haven’t get tested. You can do these through the post and are very accurate.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 21/03/2021 14:53

Oh here we go. There is nothing so odious that a man does that the a woman can't get the blame landed on her.

Interesting take op.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 14:53

Asking why you're still with him isn't blaming you.

It's asking why you're still with him

Imelda03 · 21/03/2021 14:54

Maybe he doesn’t care because you don’t care.

Maybe him searching for sex outside of your relationship and you not caring will have a more damaging long term effect on your son than your H not paying attention to the movie of the night?

There are bigger things to discuss here than ignoring a movie.

Original poster

Bluecoatwoman · 21/03/2021 14:54

@canigooutyet

OP posts:

zigzog44 · 21/03/2021 14:56

But you were also on your phone, checking to see if he was on IE?
Why do you not care he is on IE? Do you have an open relationship? Do you still both have sex?
This relationship is not a normal one, rather than worrying about your husbands online activity, you need to sit down and take a hard think about what you want for you and your son.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 21/03/2021 14:56

But op it sounds like you know that he is cheating on you, and have known for a while. Asking why you’re still with him is not blaming you for his cheating. It’s asking why you’re still with him.

peboh · 21/03/2021 14:57

[quote Bluecoatwoman]@canigooutyet

You didn't touch a personal nerve. Its a common thing on MN that when a man does something shit someone will come along can call the woman out for dating him/ marrying him/ having sex with him/ having children with him or whatever thus putting the attention on to her rather than his bad behaviour. I am unapologetic about finding this objectionable.[/quote]
His behaviour is shitty, but as long as you stay with him and allow it to go unchecked then he'll never learn. Run.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 14:57

[quote Bluecoatwoman]@canigooutyet

You're being asked a perfectly logical question!

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 21/03/2021 14:59

So your H is a shit Dad and H. What are you going to do about it? Are you waiting for more proof? I'd have been livid and if he couldn't put his phone down, would tell him to leave the room. Surely your DC knew he wasn't interested, how did he feel? You may shrug and say you don't care about the IE obsession but what about your DC, don't they deserve better.

gutful · 21/03/2021 14:59

Come off it OP

Your post says you don’t care that he was on the cheating website

People are going to ask why you’re with him

I bet plenty of single parents are on Tinder swiping left & right while their kids watch Frozen or whatever

That this movie was your son’s “special treat” does not mean a full grown adult should feel compelled to sit through a children’s movie & consume it with the same eagerness a child does.

This insistence that your child be put first & he shouldn’t be on his phone but watching the movie suggests you are staying in this marriage for the “sake of the children”

And now you have sprung him on this website You sound deeply hurt because it highlights that even when you’re having the family time together that you have sacrificed having a happy marriage for - you can see his heart isn’t in it.

But if you don’t actually care that he is on the website & you have this “don’t ask don’t tell” policy or whatnot then really what he was doing isn’t actually so wrong?

Original poster

Bluecoatwoman · 21/03/2021 15:02

You're being asked a perfectly logical question!

I have no interest in talking about why I am still married or what my future plans are.

I think it is shit to look for sex with other women during your son's birthday treat. Because it is shit. And that is all I wanted to say. And now I have said it.

OP posts:

UnsolicitedDickPic · 21/03/2021 15:03

[quote Bluecoatwoman]@canigooutyet

You didn't touch a personal nerve. Its a common thing on MN that when a man does something shit someone will come along can call the woman out for dating him/ marrying him/ having sex with him/ having children with him or whatever thus putting the attention on to her rather than his bad behaviour. I am unapologetic about finding this objectionable.[/quote]
I think people are just wondering what benefits being in a relationship with someone like this brings you? I really don't think it's about calling you out for it - but is it really your choice to stay with a man who has sex with other partners, and seeks dalliances with them during your son's birthday celebrations?

RedGoldAndGreene · 21/03/2021 15:05

You are married to a man who you know talks to others on IE. It's not clear if you're happy for him to do that as long as it's not movie night because you're very calm about it.

His behaviour is obviously awful and he might as well not be there but you are the one posting and this is a female dominated site. Your choices are:
Stay and suck it up
Divorce him so you don't have to tolerate that shit and protect your son from it when he's with you.

canigooutyet · 21/03/2021 15:06

I’m not calling anyone out.
I know how this place works when it comes to attitudes towards men.
I was asking a genuine question of why you are still with him.
We also get threads like this that are a call for help when the poster feels trapped and wants some reassurance, help or just getting it off their chest anonymously.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 21/03/2021 15:06

So you wanted nothing from your thread? Obviously it’s a shitty thing to do everyone agrees with you. Seems like a waste of a Sunday afternoon if you’re not going to think about what you’re going to do about it.

johnd2 · 21/03/2021 15:08

It is shit and maybe it will help to have that validated first.
However you are the person posting on here and reading the replies, and you can only control yourself, so you can express your feeling and hope he takes it into account (which he hasn't) or you can take control of yourself and spend less time with people who disrespect your feelings and more time with people who so respect your feelings.
If your partner posted on here I'm sure the advice would be focused around what's in his control.
Good luck.

gutful · 21/03/2021 15:09

It seems OP came on here to rant about men, then rant to the women who try to provide advice & has now flounced off back to her dissatisfying sham of a marriage.

zigzog44 · 21/03/2021 15:09

If you want a more balanced response you need to stop being so vague. It sounds like you have both checked out of the relationship, you aren’t concerned about him seeking sex out of your marriage, so what he decides to do with his online activity is up to him, it’s not for you to decide.

GreyhoundG1rl · 21/03/2021 15:15

I think it is shit to look for sex with other women during your son's birthday treat.
It's equally shit to look for sex when your wife is in the room, but you've said you don't care about that.
You've already blurred the boundaries, it sounds utterly toxic, and probably unsalvageable.
So yes, "why are you still with him?" is the only logical question, really.

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