Dh doesn't want any more dc but I do

[silkyflowers]

I don't really know what to do about it.
I won't have a dc with dh unless he agrees but I'm 35 and have one 8yo dc. He says he can't imagine going back to baby stage even though I've been saying for about 2 years I want another but he basically just smiles and nods thinking I'll get bored (to be fair I am a broken record about asking)

I'm seriously considering leaving dh because I feel so down about not having another dc. Am I crazy?! I totally appreciate that he doesn't want another and there's nothing I can do to persuade him.

I'm not sure if I'm just being crazy broody and I need to let the feeling pass or if I'm genuinely going to regret not leaving him because of this. We get on ok and life is ok in general. We are financially ok. I am happy to look after baby but he doesn't want another one. At all.
Lockdown has made it even worse watching dc alone and hit home that once we're gone that's it, no family left for dc. (This is why he doesn't want another though because we have no help at all and we did find it hard).
I suppose I just want to process everything and have nowhere in RL to.

It's a difficult one and ultimately only you can decide if breaking up your happy family is worth is over this.

Broody feelings come and go and can be consuming but let's look at it logically: you have built a happy life and a stable one for your existing child. There would be a big age gap and no guarantee that your child would get on with a sibling. Are you willing to uproot your existing child, leave the man you love and the life you have because of this desire? Do you know if you are still fertile? How would you ensure pregnancy after you left?

Only you can answer those questions but honestly, I think it's nuts to break up a happy home when you have an existing child and broodiness can come and go.

Of course, if you don't really love your DH (you say you have an ok life) then that changes things.

Unfortunately the one who says no is the one who 'wins'. You have choices to make and it's a pretty shitty trick of your bloke to just nod and wait it out for years though.

You need to have a conversation with him and that you're thinking of splitting up.

Unfortunately I doubt he will change his mind, I think those that do and say no initially are still firmly stuck in the baby/ toddler faze and just want to (rightly) get the hell out of it. After a year or so of undisturbed sleep they change their mind. Sounds like he is actually content with 1 DC.
Do remember that even if you had another baby now, whilst they would absolutely be a sibling, your eldest is unlikely to “play” with their sibling. They will be entering teenage years so it will feel like raising two only children.
I say this just to point out that to have another child must be because you and your husband want another child not to
Create a play mate.
I personally would look to come to peace with it, unless there are additional reasons you want to split.

Well part of it is because for about 4 years we both found having dc so hard that we just got on with it. A second dc was never properly discussed before dc was about 4 because I think at that point we both silently agreed no more.
But then I brought it up because I wanted dc to have a sibling and I wanted another dc too. Initially I got that dh didn't want another at that point and I thought he he needed time.

But at dinner today he was looking at baby pictures of our dc and he said, I can't imagine ever going through the baby stage again. Ever.

I will speak to him but Im pretty sure I know know the actual answer now.
There's no real guarantee I'll meet someone and have another tbh but I don't want to regret it I suppose. It's really hit me hard even though I did know it I suppose. I think deep down I selfishly just want another dc!!

I wouldn't want another after 8 years...you've gotten your life back and a form of independence.

No trumps yes when it comes to having children.

You have to choose whether you'd regret not having another child more than you'd regret breaking up with him.

I can't personally imagine pressuring someone into having a baby when they have made it clear they don't want one.

If a man was doing so to a woman he would rightly be challenged on this being really unhealthy and unreasonable behaviour.

He's been honest. His cards are on the table. You need to make a decision based on the facts, not pressure him to change his decision when he's been very clear about it.

Well if you left him would you be wanting to meet someone else and have a baby or would you be thinking about using a sperm donor? Because leaving for the gamble of meeting someone else, introducing them to your son, moving in together and getting pregnant at 35 (not that 35 is old at all! It's just more of a gamble to do everything at 35 for baby two....) is a big thing when you have everything you want but a second baby. Only you can make the choice but it sounds like you're really thinking about if you could leave or not so I'd talk to your DH again and be 100% honest about how you feel and that you really do want another baby. What would you feel if you did leave and then didn't have a baby anyway, would it be more important that you tried or would you feel worse that you had split DC's family for a dream that didn't happen....?

Yes. I think I am being selfish. That's why I don't want to 'talk' about it as I know the answer and I don't want to pressure my dh by saying I'm leaving if it never happens.
That's not what I want. If he doesn't want a dc I understand that. I didn't want an 8 + year age gap but it's gotten to this point. I do have a sister ten years older though and she was over the moon to have a sister so sometimes it does work out ok.

I'm worried I will regret not moving on though as I can't imagine never having another dc and never wanted to be mum of one but at the same time I am lucky I have the one and I do know it may never happen even if I did leave.

I don't know what to say to you regarding your husband because it's a tough problem, but don't have a baby because you want to give your existing child a sibling - have a baby because you want one. It would have been different years ago, but I need to prepare you for the issues an age gap can create between siblings, which presents different issues to when the age gap is very small (can have its own issues) -

Like you, I'm sure there will be women on here who say they're best friends with their sibling who's 10 years older, but those are situations where they have fairly complementary personalities and the age gap has minimal effect on it. However, age gaps do matter. Your existing child is now 8 years old - a future baby will in no way be its peer. Your child won't be able to play with the baby in the same way it would do with a child who's its own age. When your eldest is 15, your youngest will only 6 year old! If your eldest leaves for university at 18 and permanently moves out after that, over half of the youngest's life will have been spent almost like an only child with the sibling coming back to visit. A large age gap can at times affect bonding between siblings.

They're supposed to be siblings, not best friends, but the only reason why I'm saying this is that I don't want you to put your life in turmoil thinking that when you are gone they will have a lovely, cozy relationship. You need to go into this with the awareness that their relationship might be polite but distant. Enough to be someone to rely upon in an emergency, which is what you might have in mind, but not close enough to address any loneliness issues.

It's a really tough situation to be in because many people simply don't know what they'll feel like until they've had children. Your husband clearly doesn't feel the same pull and is probably relieved to have better sleep and more time to think and recharge maybe.

once we're gone that's it, no family left for dc

This is a bit dramatic - you're 35 ! You won't be gone for many decades so don't start worrying that "she'll be alone when you're gone".

I'm the only one left since my parents died and it's not a big thing. I've got my own family, I'm not bereft with nobody in my life . I'm sure your DD will have other people in her life as well as you.

This isn't a good reason to have more children , not at all.

You're not being selfish, but nor is your DH. Your wishes are both equally valid.

I'm totally on his side - but what makes me pause is that he does not acknowledge your feelings at all. He does not have to say yes, but it also sounds like he isn't acknowledging that this causes you hurt.

Yes, as pp said above. It's like the reason you don't have kids so you're not alone when you're older. I don't have kids and I struggled a little bit about ultimately being on my own. But there's no guarantee people (kids!) Are going to hang around and look after you. If society these days is anything to go by, it definitely isn't.
Same for big age gap siblings. They might get on, they might not. But they certainly won't be too close I shouldn't imagine.

I’d feel the same. I’ve always known I need to have another ... maybe that is selfish but i do.

However, age gaps do matter. Your existing child is now 8 years old - a future baby will in no way be its peer. Your child won't be able to play with the baby in the same way it would do with a child who's its own age. When your eldest is 15, your youngest will only 6 year old! If your eldest leaves for university at 18 and permanently moves out after that, over half of the youngest's life will have been spent almost like an only child with the sibling coming back to visit. A large age gap can at times affect bonding between siblings

I’m not sure this is true.

There is a 12 year gap between ds and dd. They’re really quite close. They game together
There’s a 18 year age gap between Dh and his sister. They’re always on the phone and are quite close
There’s a 10 year age gap between me and db. It’s not a ‘polite’ relationship. We see each other lots.

I love my nearly 6 year age gap.

If he is not keen on a baby and it's a deal breaker for you would you consider adopting? Most adoptee children I've known join their forever families between 1-3 years old.

@EarthSight yes it was more the fear only dc will be left alone with no one that is going to help them in times of need like a family could.
@starrynight21 I am being dramatic, both me and dh lost our families young so I think perhaps that's weighing more on us than a more 'normal' situation.

I think the right thing to do is accept it's not going to happen if anything just to avoid disrupting my current dc life. It's really hitting home in lockdown probably for all the wrong reasons, usually I'd quell the feeling by booking a ridiculous holiday I couldn't afford if I had two but now i can't really do these things.

@ColdCottage I would love to adopt even an older dc but again dh has said no but that's more about the dc not being 'his own'.

Difficult situation but do agree that it wasn’t right for him to just smile and brush your request away for the last couple of years without any definitive answer if he felt so strongly about this.

For me personally, this would be a dealbreaker. I have been with my DP a good few years and we spoke early on about our expectations regarding children together and both settled on 2 more together (I have an 8yr old DD). We’ve just had our DS and the bond between the children is beautiful despite the nearly 9 yr gap. Make no mistake, I love my partner dearly but if he came to me tomorrow and said he no longer wanted another together I would know that the relationship was over as my desire for another is so strong, I’d resent him forever if I stayed.

You need to consider your age as a factor in this however. At 35, whilst you are certainly no spinster, time isn’t on your side if you leave DH as you would still need time to meet someone who you’d actually want to have children with, and then jump into having a child together pretty sharpish in terms of the timeline. Is having a baby on your own something you’d be considering? How strong is the urge?

I agree that your DH is entitled to not want any more but I do strongly believe you are not selfish in your desire for another child either. Unfortunately it’s rarely a situation that you can meet compromise on together without resentment building so I don’t know what to suggest other than parting ways.

If you really want a baby, leave. There's no way I'd have more DC to please my partner. And if I did I'd probably be bitter and dull of resentment. Babies are bloody hard work, and it's totally understandable he doesn't want to go back to that.

I understand this completely. The maternal instinct and drive can be all consuming. I’m experiencing the same thing although my circumstances are slightly different. I had twins 8 years ago via IVF and miraculously fell pregnant with our third child naturally and gave birth to her last March. I come from a big family and if it hadn’t of been for our previous fertility issues I would have had more back then. But I was settled after such a long road to have my twins and then bam 💥 I’m back there again knowing that it has happened naturally maybe it could happen again.......Understandably he doesn’t want a 4th, I do..... but you need to weigh up what’s more important to you. I would absolutely love another child. I love the chaos and noise in the house. That’s just me as a person. But I love them more than my want for another. It’s a hard one. But ultimately you need to decide. Is it something you will regret later down the line?

The longing to have a baby can be intense and overwhelming. It's biological as well as emotional.

Personally I think there's a danger this will come between you permanently. Men don't tend to understand how this is an absolute physical need for some women. They only see the practical side of things. It's more than distressing if you feel like you're partner won't allow you to have another child. You can be as rational as you want about it but the feelings don't go away.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having another child no matter how big the age gap. I was 9 when my parents had my baby brother - we all adored him (I had 2 older brother as well.) It helped us focus on someone else other than ourselves and taught us a lot of practical skills too. It was an experience I was able to I draw on when I had my first baby!

Personally I would stop feeling guilty about how you feel and have a very honest conversation with your partner.

I do understand how you feel, but if you both found having one baby/child really difficult for four years, then what's to stop that happening again, but this time being a bit older and more tired and with an older child's demands to cope with.

That's so sad. Maybe if it's a choice of a new baby, adoption or a broken home he might feel differently. Maybe watch some programs on positive adoption stories?

If your husband doesn’t want to handle a new baby of his own why on earth would he want to adopt: adoption must be one of the hardest, most selfless things in the world- it’s not a way to bypass the baby years.

If your relationship is otherwise good then I can't imagine leaving for this reason. I am an only child and only have one myself due to infertility. There are so many positives, you just have to find them.