Page 2 | Dh doesn't want any more dc but I do

SimonJT · 21/03/2021 12:24

@ColdCottage

That's so sad. Maybe if it's a choice of a new baby, adoption or a broken home he might feel differently. Maybe watch some programs on positive adoption stories?

Are you in your right mind? Why do you think a child in care only deserves a parent who doesn’t want them and only gave in as to not be dumped. Children in care are actual human beings.

hannahmontanna1 · 21/03/2021 12:24

Your only options are to stay in your current family unit and be unhappy, or to leave the marriage and seek happiness elsewhere

Naunet · 21/03/2021 12:27

I can't personally imagine pressuring someone into having a baby when they have made it clear they don't want one

If a man was doing so to a woman he would rightly be challenged on this being really unhealthy and unreasonable behaviour

Lucky OP isn’t doing that then 🙄 Any time a woman mentions wanting a baby on here, when her husband doesn’t, she gets accused of pressuring him, as if just mentioning what she wants is incredibly unreasonable of her.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/03/2021 12:27

You'll regret it if you don't and that resentment could end your marriage. I think I would leave.

hannahmontanna1 · 21/03/2021 12:29

Yeah I didn’t get the impression that OP is pressurising him either. She’s said that she would accept his no and leave him. Which is fair enough as that’s the only way she’ll have another child when her husband doesn’t want one. That’s not pressurising him, that’s accepting his wishes whist also following her own happiness

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/03/2021 13:18

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

If your husband doesn’t want to handle a new baby of his own why on earth would he want to adopt: adoption must be one of the hardest, most selfless things in the world- it’s not a way to bypass the baby years.

Thank you for saying this.

I'm adopted and I hate the way it's bandied around as an option for people whose partners don't want another child. To the person who suggested adoption, do you really think that placing a child in the system into a home where one parent isnt keen on having another child is fair on the child they may adopt? What a ridiculous suggestion.

We were children who needed a loving home. In fact, in many ways, we needed a home where parents wanted children even more than those were conceiving biologically because the process is tough and there are so many obstacles along the way and extra patience is required during many stages of the child's life.

I feel so blessed to have been placed with my parents. I lucked out.

It's really offensive that people are adopting a child as 'having a child lite' or a back up plan.

I AM my parents 'own child'. Blood doesn't define parenthood. Being a parent does.

@SimonJT often comes into threads where this is discussed and explains this more eloquently than I perhaps can, as he comes at it from the point of view of a parent so he may do so on this thread!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/03/2021 13:19

@SimonJT Hurrah you did indeed arrive and explain eloquently why that sort of suggestion is so offensive and also just plain ridiculous. Thank you!

gutful · 21/03/2021 13:25

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want another child

It’s not reasonable to smile & nod at the idea for 2+ years when you don’t actually want another child, as that gives false hope to the partner who does want one

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/03/2021 13:40

youvegottenminuteslynn I have zero skin in the game when it comes to adoption and it angers me immensely how it’s an option for people who don’t want a baby or struggle to conceive. The only reason to adopt is because you want to adopt, people who adopt are amazing, it is such a bigger task than having your own children and shouldn’t be remarked on so flippantly.

EdgeOfACoin · 21/03/2021 13:55

I'm an only child. When I was very young I used to ask my parents for a baby brother or sister.

By the time I was 8, I still wanted a sibling but I would have wanted one closer to my own age. I certainly wouldn't have wanted a newborn baby.

By the time I was 12 I was happy enough without a sibling.

I'm now in my late thirties. I do sometimes worry about being the only one responsible for my parents as they age, but I have my husband. I have other support.

Your daughter will be fine - the lack of understanding from your husband is more concerning.

Original poster

silkyflowers · 21/03/2021 13:55

@OnlyFoolsnMothers sorry if I too have offended I never look at adoption in a way to replace a dc I can't have. I just want to raise another dc and have a good home for any dc to be in. My neighbour in the house I grew up in was a foster carer and ended up adopting. I know it's not for the faint hearted. My dh didn't want to adopt anyway so it's not going to be for us.
Thanks for pointing out that it is not for everyone though and certainly not to be viewed as a 'replacement' for having your own dc.
I asked my dh about adoption as I suspected he didn't want another baby rather than no dc at all. But now of course it's more obvious the truth of the matter.

I am very sad dh can't seem to have an actual conversation about it but I think he fears the final word being no will push me away. I have my answer anyway imo.
I will have to think about everything. I do have a good life now but I feel I have to make a solid decision soon else I will definitely no longer have the choice.
I don't think I'm unreasonably pressuring him. I have said I will accept his decision. It's now for me to decide what I do.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/03/2021 13:57

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

youvegottenminuteslynn I have zero skin in the game when it comes to adoption and it angers me immensely how it’s an option for people who don’t want a baby or struggle to conceive. The only reason to adopt is because you want to adopt, people who adopt are amazing, it is such a bigger task than having your own children and shouldn’t be remarked on so flippantly.

I really appreciate that. Just a comment on language (and I know you mean nothing bad by it) but it's great if people don't use phrases like your 'own' children or, and I know you didn't say this one but, a child's 'real' parents.

My mum is my real parent - she adores, loves and raised me. She is my 'real' mum, we just don't share DNA.

I really helps adopted kids (and tbh adults) to be mindful of phrases like that when discussing adoption.

Again I'm saying that from a place of appreciation and education, not having a go at you.

Just the amount of times my mum has heard 'ah could you not have your own' or I've been asked 'do you know much about your real parents?' is shockingly frequent!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 21/03/2021 14:08

@silkyflowers I hope you come to a decision that you’re comfortable with.

My friend has this problem right now... she’s 35 this year and feels done with children, she’s got two who are now both getting independent, youngest is 9. Her partner has none. He wants one... she’s nodded and smiled through most of the chats because they’ve been quite casual, and she wanted to want one. But as time has gone on, she’s convinced she doesn’t want to go back to that. We’ve had endless chats about it, because she loves him and their family and doesn’t want to lose them; but she doesn’t want more kids either. She strongly doesn’t want to go back to the beginning. He’s a great “dad”, and has said he’d happily do the lions share once the baby is here, but she can’t do that. She feels it’d be unfair to the baby, because she wouldn’t really want it.

Being stuck inside makes family things so much harder, too. I’m TTC #1, and it’s made it the constant focus. I can’t go to work, on city breaks, abroad. There’s no distracting from it. It must be the same for you...

It might be worth seeing if you feel the same as things start to open up, or if your broodiness is intensified by the lockdown situation?

I do wish you all the best making a decision. Like a PP said, would you want to meet someone else to have #2 if you left, or would you use a sperm donor? That might help you decide on how likely it would be, and how long it might take.

SimonJT · 21/03/2021 14:14

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

youvegottenminuteslynn I have zero skin in the game when it comes to adoption and it angers me immensely how it’s an option for people who don’t want a baby or struggle to conceive. The only reason to adopt is because you want to adopt, people who adopt are amazing, it is such a bigger task than having your own children and shouldn’t be remarked on so flippantly.

“A bigger task than having your own children”

He is mine thanks.

MazekeenSmith · 21/03/2021 14:17

I can't imagine never having another dc and never wanted to be mum of one but at the same time I am lucky I have the one and I do know it may never happen even if I did leave.

I always expected to have at least two and used to believe only children were lonely and odd (based on no evidence I might add)
Left my XH at age 32 and didn't meet a partner I liked until 37. He has kids and had a vasectomy and by this point I don't want another anyway - now have my independence and am able to focus on my career and my nice boyfriend and not being broke and knackered all the time.

Having one child is fine. You don't need another to complete your family. Leaving your DH over this would probably not result in another baby - and if it did you run the risk of rushing a new relationship, making your DS unhappy, potentially ending up single parent to two or more. Is it worth the risk?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/03/2021 14:25

@SimonJT

It's upsetting isn't it? The language around adoption is so powerful and often so hurtful, to parents and kids alike. I explained above my experience of it from the child's point of view.

From hearing people ask my mum whether she could have 'her own' children or not to being asked if I know my 'real parents', it's such a damaging insinuation that adopted children are less than. Less loved / wanted / valid / worthy than other kids.

It's an awful feeling as a child (and a parent I'm sure) and people need to really listen to what we say about that in order to change the way adoption is viewed in society.

LouiseTrees · 21/03/2021 14:31

@silkyflowers

I don't really know what to do about it. I won't have a dc with dh unless he agrees but I'm 35 and have one 8yo dc. He says he can't imagine going back to baby stage even though I've been saying for about 2 years I want another but he basically just smiles and nods thinking I'll get bored (to be fair I am a broken record about asking)

I'm seriously considering leaving dh because I feel so down about not having another dc. Am I crazy?! I totally appreciate that he doesn't want another and there's nothing I can do to persuade him.

I'm not sure if I'm just being crazy broody and I need to let the feeling pass or if I'm genuinely going to regret not leaving him because of this. We get on ok and life is ok in general. We are financially ok. I am happy to look after baby but he doesn't want another one. At all.
Lockdown has made it even worse watching dc alone and hit home that once we're gone that's it, no family left for dc. (This is why he doesn't want another though because we have no help at all and we did find it hard).
I suppose I just want to process everything and have nowhere in RL to.

Once your gone your DC hopefully will be old enough to have their own family, if this helps. I do understand the feeling of wanting to have a second but it shouldn’t be just so they have a sibling because sometimes siblings don’t get along anyway.

PerveenMistry · 21/03/2021 14:37

Good luck finding a nice, solvent new man anywhere near your age, unless you are very attractive or not picky.

Nanny0gg · 21/03/2021 14:56

@silkyflowers

I don't really know what to do about it. I won't have a dc with dh unless he agrees but I'm 35 and have one 8yo dc. He says he can't imagine going back to baby stage even though I've been saying for about 2 years I want another but he basically just smiles and nods thinking I'll get bored (to be fair I am a broken record about asking)

I'm seriously considering leaving dh because I feel so down about not having another dc. Am I crazy?! I totally appreciate that he doesn't want another and there's nothing I can do to persuade him.

I'm not sure if I'm just being crazy broody and I need to let the feeling pass or if I'm genuinely going to regret not leaving him because of this. We get on ok and life is ok in general. We are financially ok. I am happy to look after baby but he doesn't want another one. At all.
Lockdown has made it even worse watching dc alone and hit home that once we're gone that's it, no family left for dc. (This is why he doesn't want another though because we have no help at all and we did find it hard).
I suppose I just want to process everything and have nowhere in RL to.

Depends how much you love your DH.

Because there's no guarantee that you'll leave him and meet someone else who wants children with you.

dontsaveusername · 21/03/2021 16:46

I don't think it's valid to say the DC will be left alone. My brother and I are 2 years apart and he lives his life and I am married and live mine. We meet up at big family dos but we are by no means close. DH meets up with his Dsis for families times, but says he doesn't actually like her

Figgyboa · 21/03/2021 16:53

Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I personally wouldn't leave my DH but then again I don't and never had a strong maternal drive. I would be thankful and grateful for what I had and not dwell on what i didnt have

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/03/2021 16:55

By own I only mean own as in sharing dna, I in no way suggest the love is any different etc.
Apologies for any offence

Bluntness100 · 21/03/2021 17:00

Lockdown has made it even worse watching dc alone and hit home that once we're gone that's it, no family left for dc

Is there some hidden info on your child? I don’t understand why you think they won’t grow up and have their own family?

Even if you did habe another child you’ve no idea if they would ever be close.

Have a child for your own reasons, but not for your current child. The reality is an only child is likely now better for them, more disposable income, more attention, less disruption for them etc.

May17th · 21/03/2021 17:07

I don’t think your being dramatic OP. I can relate to you not wanting a big gap. DS is 6 and is an only. Truth is I don’t think I have ruled it out if I was to meet someone but at the same time I don’t know if I could start again..

What I can tell you is I don’t feel that feeling will leave me and I feel guilty as I’m from a big family! If I could turn the clock back I would and I now understand why people choose to have babies really close together sometimes.

PerveenMistry · 21/03/2021 17:37

@Bluntness100

Lockdown has made it even worse watching dc alone and hit home that once we're gone that's it, no family left for dc

Is there some hidden info on your child? I don’t understand why you think they won’t grow up and have their own family?

Even if you did habe another child you’ve no idea if they would ever be close.

Have a child for your own reasons, but not for your current child. The reality is an only child is likely now better for them, more disposable income, more attention, less disruption for them etc.

They could end up with a family of many close friends. Solo kids are fine.