Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Boyfriends mental health taking its toll on me now.

88 replies

sarah2801 · 20/03/2021 16:49

He is struggling with his mental health and has done for a long time. We are both 20, hes my first boyfriend and he lives about 2 hours away from me. I've been back home for about a week after being with him for 3 weeks, we've called every night, just like we have done for the past year but this weeks its just been a bit tiring. I feel bad going to sleep because I dont want to leave by himself upset, but he refuses to sleep until 5 or 6 in the morning.

Hes been drinking every night now hes been paid. this annoys me when Ive been giving him money and borrowing money to give to him and leaving myself with nothing.

I feel like part of my recent frustration with him comes from the way he was when i visited him. He would constantly wind me up by laying on my to trap me, tickling me, pulling duvet over my head whilst i struggle and beg him not to. hes always done this stuff and its usually funny. But he just seems to not know what stop means anymore and will carry on whilst Im visibly frustrated and upset.

I want to be clear that i care about him and love him very much and will always support him with his mental health problems, but hes refusing to get professional help and I don't know what to do for him anymore. Im not sure what the point in this post is, i guess i just want to rant.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 20/03/2021 16:52

Don't give him any more money. Say you will only see him again when he has got help. But the refusing to stop when you tell him to is a red flag.

Lampan · 20/03/2021 17:00

I know it’s very difficult for you but you need to accept that his mental health is not your responsibility. Do you still want to be in a relationship with him? It’s OK if you don’t, and whatever he might say to get you to stay is not your responsibility either. Relationships should be fun, especially at your age. If it’s causing you more stress than enjoyment then it might be time to end things.

Twizbe · 20/03/2021 17:02

Honestly, the best thing you can do is stop giving him money and leave the relationship.

If he won't get help, he won't be able to be a good partner to you.

It's not your job to fix him either.

Tell him to get help and maybe you can try again once he's well. But don't hang around for him. Live your life and be happy

TheBusiness · 20/03/2021 17:03

No you can’t always support him with his mental health problems when it’s affecting you so much. You need to think of not supporting him and putting yourself first.

Wolfiefan · 20/03/2021 17:03

Run.
He’s drinking rather than getting professional help.
He carries on while you struggle and beg him to stop? He’s being abusive.

Original poster

sarah2801 · 20/03/2021 17:05

@Bananalanacake I wont be giving him anymore money now, he has his own and i just hope he makes it last the rest of the month. I want to tell him that i wont see him until he helps himself but I would miss him terribly. He used to mess about doing it but he didn't take it too far, i dont know what got into him, he is usually good to me and respectful so i dont know what its about.

OP posts:

Tablegs · 20/03/2021 17:05

But he just seems to not know what stop means any more and will carry on whilst Im visibly frustrated and upset.

OMG. That is illegal, and is assault. He is abusing you. If sex was involved then he is a rapist.

You need to stay as far away from him as possible.

TheBusiness · 20/03/2021 17:06

It doesn’t sound like you could trust him not to stop. I don’t think you should see him at all.

Original poster

sarah2801 · 20/03/2021 17:07

I do want the relationship, i am happy with him its just recently its been a bit too much. Ive always been the one he talks to about his mental health problems, but I feel like i cant do any more for him now, he doesnt understand that and its frustrating.

OP posts:

SpacePotato · 20/03/2021 17:08

You are 20. It's affecting you. It isn't your job to fix him.
Leave while you can. Don't let yourself become his crutch.

Twizbe · 20/03/2021 17:10

@sarah2801

The only thing you can do is leave and get on with your life. It's hard, but if he's ill he needs to sort that out and not be in a relationship

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/03/2021 17:11

You do not need this sort of existence at a mere 20 years of age; its far too much. Is that what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up?.

BTW did you yourself grow up seeing a parent drink too much?.

You have physical distance between you but you need a lot more mental distance as well. This relationship is really at an end now because his primary relationship is not with you and has likely never been with you either.

He may well be self medicating any depression with alcohol but alcohol itself is a depressant. Its a destructive cycle and one you cannot afford to be a part of or otherwise enable.

There is NOTHING more you can do and you've done more than enough already. Let him go completely now; you're not helping him or yourself by being around him. Stop giving him money because that is only being used by him to buy alcohol. You will not see a penny of that back either. Enabling him like you have done only gives you a false sense of control and does not help him or for that matter you.

With due respect you can only help your own self ultimately and you cannot rescue and or save him. He neither wants your help or support and as his girlfriend you cannot help him.

I would read about codependency in relationships and see how much of that relates to your own behaviours. I would think you are codependent and its a state that does not help you at all. It may well be that you are confusing love here with codependency.

His needs are not more important than yours. Let him go completely and rebuild your life without him in it. It will be a painful process for you but that is a necessary course of action. Work on you and your boundaries in relationships through counselling; such destructive relationships damage boundaries and boundary setting considerably. These types of dysfunctional unhealthy relationships go one way - downhill and very quickly. Do not be dragged down further by him than you have been already. You cannot afford to further get involved with such men; this cannot become a pattern for you.

Original poster

sarah2801 · 20/03/2021 17:11

sex is never involved when hes winding me up and wont stop. Hes always done things like tickling me from the beginning, its normal, but he just takes those things too far recently, its frustrating because i don't like the feeling of being restrained and trapped.
I am happy with him, he is good to me, but he refuses to talk to anyone but me about his problems. recently he wont even tell me so i guess thats why its becoming more difficult.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 20/03/2021 17:11

Being a cunt is not a mental health problem.

That aside op, you are not his therapy. He is disrespectful and sounds like he is out to damage YOUR mental health in order to being you down to his level rather than actually do any self work to make himself better.

A relationship is not an obligation. It's supposed to make your life easier not harder. Happier not sadder. Better not worse.

You're too young to be bogged down with this shit. Get out now. It's a good thing he lives a way a way. Phonecall dump and block.

Treetops73 · 20/03/2021 17:15

Red flags all over this OP. All the behaviours you describe are abusive, and will only get worse.

It’s noble that you want to help him but the thing is, you can’t. Only he can do that and right now it appears he doesn’t want to. You have to protect yourself, and your mental health, first and foremost. He needs to get help before he can even begin to be a good partner to you.

No-one can rescue another person, nor should they have to.

ConkerBonkers · 20/03/2021 17:17

I think the posters who replied to you were well aware sex wasn't involved. One even said so. Don't disregard their valid points because you yourself do not think it is serious because sex isn't involved.

SpacePotato · 20/03/2021 17:18

Maybe you should be questioning why your self worth is so low that you are prepared to be in this relationship.

He's using you for money too. You bet he will ask again once he's pissed his up the wall. This one should serve as an example of what to avoid in future.

Whilst anyone can suffer mental health issues at any time, starting a relationship with someone you know already has issues or severe depression is not conducive to a happy, healthy relationship.

EarthSight · 20/03/2021 17:19

He would constantly wind me up by laying on my to trap me, tickling me, pulling duvet over my head whilst i struggle and beg him not to. hes always done this stuff and its usually funny. But he just seems to not know what stop means anymore and will carry on whilst I'm visibly frustrated and upset

Sorry, but that's the point OP. You're quite young so haven't had as much time to absorb the experiences of other women yet, so I hope you'll take me seriously when I say this. Abusive men will sometimes tickle, sit on or physically dominate their female partners in order to subtly let them know who's boss. The message they're sending out is 'Look, I'm stronger than you, and I can overpower you and dominate you any time I want......just remember that'. It's a reminder of who's in charge. It could be that he's badly socialised with women or treats you like a sibling, but I would really advise that you take what I've said seriously.

Stop giving him money. Now. He sounds like an alcoholic, maybe a functioning one, and you are funding his habit.

You are of the generation where people talk over and over about mental health, and the result of that is that people, especially women, feel the need to support their partners mental health issues at great cost to their own health & sanity. The issue of women looking after and fawning over their horrible husbands has always been an issue because women have been traditionally encouraged to be nurturing, patient and helpful, but now it's taking on a new form. Do not believe the narrative that you are somehow responsible for him or that you aren't being supportive enough. His mental health issues are his mental health issues, not yours.

Also, you say mental health....are you sure that's not a euphemism for a dominant, immature asshole who's using his girlfriend for alcohol money? I know this isn't the full picture. I know I don't know his good sides, that I haven't seen him smile or how nice he is in other ways to you. I know I don't have the full picture, but I just hope you will absorb this often repeated statement on Mumsnet -

Women should not be rehab centres for badly raised or damaged men

Please, for your sake, stop feeling sorry for him, stop giving him money, and stop infantalising him. He is not your child or patient. It's so sad and pull on one's heartstrings to see someone going downhills, but do not be dragged down with someone who does not take action to help themselves. You are still so young. Please get out now. You will thank yourself so much in a decade's time.

JustTime · 20/03/2021 17:21

The tone of your op reads as though you think we will think you harsh and uncaring for what you said.

Actually, if my 20 year old was in this relationship, I'd want them out of it.

RachelRoth · 20/03/2021 17:21

He will break you. He will hold you back. You wont reach your potential.

Why settle for that with a boyfriend at 20?!

Get some counselling.

Work on you.

Have higher standards for men you meet.

You have time on your side.

Saltyslug · 20/03/2021 17:23

Stop giving him cash even if he begs. Tell him you don’t have any money.

He can only really help himself. You can’t save him

Original poster

sarah2801 · 20/03/2021 17:25

@Missdotty no one of the posters @Tablegs said 'OMG. That is illegal, and is assault. He is abusing you. If sex was involved then he is a rapist' . i thought i would clear it up.

im aware that it isn't healthy. I want to find a way to talk to him about all of these issues without up setting him. he does think the world of me and if he knew i feel like this i think he was be very upset.

Im really not in the position to leave him, i dont want to. I want to work on it first.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 20/03/2021 17:28

Sod upsetting him.
It’s not normal.
You can’t change him.
You can’t work on this.

TinySongstress · 20/03/2021 17:30

He will drag you down with him.

Run.

RachelRoth · 20/03/2021 17:31

He really doesnt think the world of you and the fact you think he does says a lot about your experience of healthy relationships.

Flip

1 2 3 4