Boyfriends mental health taking its toll on me now.

[sarah2801]

He is struggling with his mental health and has done for a long time. We are both 20, hes my first boyfriend and he lives about 2 hours away from me. I've been back home for about a week after being with him for 3 weeks, we've called every night, just like we have done for the past year but this weeks its just been a bit tiring. I feel bad going to sleep because I dont want to leave by himself upset, but he refuses to sleep until 5 or 6 in the morning.

Hes been drinking every night now hes been paid. this annoys me when Ive been giving him money and borrowing money to give to him and leaving myself with nothing.

I feel like part of my recent frustration with him comes from the way he was when i visited him. He would constantly wind me up by laying on my to trap me, tickling me, pulling duvet over my head whilst i struggle and beg him not to. hes always done this stuff and its usually funny. But he just seems to not know what stop means anymore and will carry on whilst Im visibly frustrated and upset.

I want to be clear that i care about him and love him very much and will always support him with his mental health problems, but hes refusing to get professional help and I don't know what to do for him anymore. Im not sure what the point in this post is, i guess i just want to rant.

I also do what to be clear that although I may not seem it, I do appreciate all of your replies.

Sorry, but that's the point OP. You're quite young so haven't had as much time to absorb the experiences of other women yet, so I hope you'll take me seriously when I say this. Abusive men will sometimes tickle, sit on or physically dominate their female partners in order to subtly let them know who's boss. The message they're sending out is 'Look, I'm stronger than you, and I can overpower you and dominate you any time I want......just remember that'. It's a reminder of who's in charge. It could be that he's badly socialised with women or treats you like a sibling, but I would really advise that you take what I've said seriously

Just wanted to add to this that I know in the past it's been giggly fun & games to an extent, and maybe he's giggling when he's doing it now, but it doesn't matter. He's pushing boundaries, seeing what he can get away with, and I believe this will escalate over time. I've seen it before in women's posts - the abuse starts very slowly and escalates as they get used to doing it more & more to their female partners. Next it will be tickling until you wet yourself, blocking a doorway, having apparent harmless pillow fights where he 'accidentally' wacks you right across the face with it. How long will it be until he's pulling that duvet over your head and grabbing on to it just a little too tight, for too long........the day after you've had a disagreement and you have no idea that he's upset with you. You'll be upset and he'll claim you're making a bit fuss, that you're too sensitive, not fun or a spoil-sport.

How many more things he will think he can get away with I wonder as long as he's smiling or claims it's all a bit of fun? It's not fair or right - he knows you can't resist it or fight back and that suits him just fine.

@EarthSight acutally when you put it like that, it really does make me think . It makes me angry, i love him to bits but I dont want to end up trapped a few years down the line in an abusive realtionship.

OP, honestly, please don't do this to yourself. You can't give him the help he needs because you are not a trained professional. In the absence of a trained professional he is using you as a crutch. Remove yourself and he might get the proper help he actually needs. It's the most caring, responsible, loving thing you can do. You cannot help him. You being there is enabling him to carry on doing the same things that do not help him.

Best case scenario he will sort himself out and you'll get back together. Worst case scenario you'll end up with children and in poverty and a shadow of your former self. Please don't waste 20 years before you realise you can't take it anymore.

Hey,

I was with a guy for 8 years from the age of 22. He had a lot MH issues with drinking, depression and struggled to hold down a job. He'd witnessed domestic violence as a child and never had any help coming to terms with it - he still felt that child's guilt for not defending his Mum. The thing is, the only person he would talk to about it was me. In the end he was totally dependent on me financially and emotionally, to the extent my own MH suffered from the constant pressure of looking after us both on a low income. The relationship went from being romantic to me mothering him. It was suffocating. He didn't even like going to the shops without me. He absolutely refused to see a Dr.

Please listen to the people who are saying his mental health is not your responsibility, because these situations can escalate. It sounds like you're a kind person and you want to help him, but only he can improve his own emotional wellbeing. Unless you have the right training, you can't fix other people.

Adult relationships need to be balanced. I'm not saying break up with the guy immediately, I'm just saying be cautious. Don't be tempted to try and fix him, don't let him become dependent. He needs to find his own way and you need to maintain your independence so you can both be healthy.

What would be say if you said 'its 5am and I would like to sleep now?'. Would he either wine that you need to stay up to keep him company or would he say ok but then do things to keep you awake?

And you've had a discussion about how you cant help him anymore with his mental health and yet he 'doesnt understand' ok so oglf course he understands - but he wants to keep on taking taking taking anyway. Wont even see a doctor, just thinks it's your job to be his shrink. It is not. It's not that he does not understand, it's that he has no respect for your boundaries. He is a big old energy vampire.

You need to start being firm. Saying no.

Upsetting him? Hon, he is a grown man. If he cannot gave a civil convo with you where you say 'these are my needs and boundaries' and he says 'ok' and respects them going forwards, then there is something seriously wrong with him - it's called lack of empathy and lack of respect for you.

Unfortunately as others have said, these 'games' can be displays of dominance and control. He may hurt you going forwards and then accuse you of 'overreacting' when you tell him he hurt you. This is often how physical abuse and gaslighting begin. Be careful.

Finally, he should not be borrowing money off you.

Also, I left a man recently who was lovely, really great BUT he drank too much FOR ME. I'm not sure if he had an alchohol problem. I suspect so. But that's not the point. The point is he drank enough that it made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to hang with someone who drank every time we were together. Who spent a lot if money on booze. And who I felt pressures to drink with even when I was not in the mood.

The point is, we were incompatible. Just because of that one thing. Just because you like the song playing on the radio in the car, does not mean you stay in the car and continue driving towards a big assed cliff you can see.

Realistically, this relationship will end. I mean its just logic- because it isnt working already. And because you're both still young. It will end. Ask yourself...do you want to wait till the big car crash thats coming? Or get out the car now, whilst you're still...you.

[quote sarah2801]**@Missdotty* no one of the posters @Tablegs* said 'OMG. That is illegal, and is assault. He is abusing you. If sex was involved then he is a rapist' . i thought i would clear it up.

im aware that it isn't healthy. I want to find a way to talk to him about all of these issues without up setting him. he does think the world of me and if he knew i feel like this i think he was be very upset.

Im really not in the position to leave him, i dont want to. I want to work on it first.[/quote]
If you don't want to help yourself, I don't think we can help you. You feel the need to walk on emotional eggshells for the fear of upsetting him with your feelings (the horror of it, however will he cope)?

We've tried to warn you but we can't help you if you are choosing to shackle yourself to someone at such a young age to someone who has an alcohol problem and thinks it's fine to spend your money on it. He refuses to get help as the current situation is working for him. He gets money for alcohol from you - a clearly devoted girlfriend. That's his choice OP. He knows, and is choosing to spend your money in this way. I wonder where he would get that money from if he wasn't with you.

He is not a delicate bird with a injured wing, a damaged lost soul that needs pulling from the wilderness. He's not a baby. You need to acknowledge that he's a fully grown man and there's a physical power imbalance that could one day put you at risk.

Im really not in the position to leave him

Why not? You don't live together.

Please listen to all the wise words on here
You are so young and please don't waste some of these lovely years on this man

Who taught you that you had to work on things, all this fight for your love is utter nonsense not just to say damaging to impressionable young things with no life experience to fall back on.

There is nothing to work on. Relationships should not be this hard honestly.

Re your own self do you really know what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is?. What you have described clearly is neither so I wonder if you do know, sadly I do not think so because no-one's ever bothered to show you what that is. What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you?.

He's not good to you at all. He takes your money and fails to repay you, he violates your body and autonomy and lays his mental health issues at your door to solve. You're so young and have so much more to do in life.
I'm not talking from ignorance here. My first boyfriend was a big drinker with mental health issues and I almost destroyed my own mental health trying to support him. I wish I'd left him much sooner. I thought I owed him to take care of him or something. You don't.

[quote sarah2801]@EarthSight acutally when you put it like that, it really does make me think . It makes me angry, i love him to bits but I dont want to end up trapped a few years down the line in an abusive realtionship.[/quote]
I'm glad it's made you think. You start seeing patterns over time in people's posts. Not all issues will escalate out of control, but being with someone who drinks too much is such a massive liability. It's not just the drinking, it's the pushing of boundries and the escalation in the nature, regularity, or intensity of it that's really concerning me.

It's horrible because a lot of women feel like they are abandoning a child when they leave their partners - it really goes against their emotional grain. They hope that their partner will change, and often the men can be very convincing in their determination to change. They don't want their partner to be 'the one who got away' so to speak. However, I think it's safe to say that you would be entirely reasonable to end a relationship with anyone with a drug or alcohol dependency. You need to be kind to yourself for the hard decisions to have to make. You won't like making them, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be made or that it was the wrong thing to do.

As a side note - cannabis can be a massive liability too. There's no shortage of women who's partners have turned into apathetic stoners who sit on the sofa all day, don't want to go anywhere, spend loads of money on their habit and get really angry and aggressive when they try to cut back. Sometimes children are in the picture and the women hang on for years hoping their partners will change and it's very sad. Cannabis is an extremely pervasive smell that sticks to fabrics like nothing else (I lived with a stoner). Those women then have to worry about someone smelling that on them or their kids clothes. Imagine dealing with all of that as a new mum?

Leave now. That’s it. Leave.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Who taught you that you had to work on things, all this fight for your love is utter nonsense not just to say damaging to impressionable young things with no life experience to fall back on.

There is nothing to work on. Relationships should not be this hard honestly.

Re your own self do you really know what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is?. What you have described clearly is neither so I wonder if you do know, sadly I do not think so because no-one's ever bothered to show you what that is. What sort of a relationship example did your parents show you?.

This is my first proper relationship. It has been respectful and loving up until last time i visited him, but things have changed. Its true that no one else has shown me real love and respect, they always wanted only one thing and would show off their best acting skills to get it. I cant say that Ive had a good, respectful experience with a male before my now boyfriend. My parents relationship hasn't been great, sometimes they are good with eachother, but usually they argue.

[quote sarah2801]**@Missdotty* no one of the posters @Tablegs* said 'OMG. That is illegal, and is assault. He is abusing you. If sex was involved then he is a rapist' . i thought i would clear it up.

im aware that it isn't healthy. I want to find a way to talk to him about all of these issues without up setting him. he does think the world of me and if he knew i feel like this i think he was be very upset.

Im really not in the position to leave him, i dont want to. I want to work on it first.[/quote]
Sweetheart, you are a year younger than my daughter. If she came to me and told me that her bf was treating her like that, I'd be utterly horrified and do everything in my power to help her get away from him.

You have your whole adult life ahead of you, and you should be having fun with friends (and maybe a kind loving boyfriend too). You shouldn't be wasting your time trying to 'fix' someone else's issues in the hope that he will turn into the man of your dreams. It won't work. It just won't. He is already a disaster zone and it will only get worse, believe me. Turning him into the nice person you want him to be is not your responsibility. He has to want to make those changes himself and only he can do that. Don't make a martyr of yourself.

Please listen to all the good advice you are being given by all the posters on here, and finish with him.

It has been respectful and loving up until last time i visited him, but things have changed.

You mean they've deteriorated badly, and because of his actions and attitude.

Sometimes relationships deteriorate. And the incompatibility becomes really obvious. And you can't unsee how ill-suited you are.

And you really are very ill-suited. It's going to get worse too.

It must be really hard for you, but my honest advice is that I think it would be better for you to end the relationship. It sounds like it is completely draining you and that you are getting very little out of it.
2 years is a very long time when you are young and he is a big part of your life but if you break up you may feel like a weight has been lifted from you (talking from experience)
You can't fix his mental health, he needs to try and take responsibility for it himself.
I am not underestimating how hard it is for him, or how difficult it can be to get help. But his parents should be stepping up,are they in the picture at all? You are both really young and as it stands I cannot see any future for you together unless he is able to turn his life around, don't let him drag you down and
please don't give him any more money. Look after yourself. Scary as it is, I would really think about ending it.

Im really not in the position to leave him

Can you explain why not? Why would it be difficult for you?

Oh OP I understand that you love him and that in an ideal world, your first love would work and it would be wonderful. Please though, you are too young to try and take on this man’s mental health problems. To be fair to him, he is young too and hopefully doesn’t realise what a terrible strain it is to rely on you so much. Disregarding the other massive red flag, I really think you should consider leaving.

Let me tell you a story, hugely shortened. When I was 27 I met and fell for a strong, charismatic, charming, life and soul of the party, driven, energetic man who I had a son with by the time I was 28. This man didn’t tell me he’d been on antidepressants for nearly 20 years and he also didn’t tell me he was going to stop taking them shortly after our son was born. 4 months after the birth of our son, my partner had a catastrophic breakdown. I thought I could be strong enough for all three of us but the pressure and the misery and the constant weight of his poor mental health was too much in the end, on top of a baby. I ended up with depression and anxiety and having to give up my teaching career in the end. Nearly five years in, my DP still has poor mental health and our years together have been filled with many dark periods, more than good ones tbh. While we love each other, the dynamic has shifted so badly due to me basically being a carer that he sees more as a caregiver than a romantic partner and I see him as a drain, quite frankly.

I can’t leave because of DS. Or, I know I can leave, but I probably won’t. If I was 20, not living together, not married, no children, with the knowledge that o have now, I would leave.

You have so much joy in your life ahead of you OP, please don’t give it up for this man.

pulling duvet over my head whilst i struggle and beg him not to

Seriously? Absolute no to this. You're worried about how to raise him ASSAULTING you while you beg him to stop.

This is not a relationship you want to carry on.

You're young. Walk away. Life is too short for this shit.

You've had great advice here, especially from EarthSight. Take it. Read it again and again.

He is not your project. You are not responsible for him. He's an adult and it's up to him to look after Good own mental health, alcohol intake, etc. YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIX HIM.

Relationships should not be this much hard work. You don't even live together - you could easily leave him.

Do you see things changing?? Where's his motivation to change??

If you were my dd, I'd want you out of there. It's not a healthy relationship.

OK, please end this relationship for your own sake. Then as you move on remember your strong boundaries. He doesn't respect you enough to even phone the doctor. He doesn't care that he is damaging you. He is testing your boundaries both physically and emotionally. He could end up abusive.
Not me but someone close to me had a relationship like this. He drank too much but she excused that as he had grown up in an abusive home. We all loved him, he was fun, liked to party and acted like he was totally loving and respectful of my friend.
My friend is a carer and a fixer, she felt she could not leave him, even when he started peeing in the corners of their home. Poor guy had a rough time, couldn't help it. He threatened suicide when she expressed that she wasn't happy. One day, while planning their wedding she broke down with me, couldn't take it any more. He had started being physically violent to her. Grabbed her by the throat at a party in front of others so she couldn't cover it up. I wasn't there so didn't know.
She broke it off. He got a new girlfriend very quickly.
She is now married to an amazing person but since she has become very, very ill. Her partner is her carer and he is so wonderful! She now thanks her lucky stars that she had to leave her ex. She wouldn't have if he hadn't assaulted her in public. she knows that her illness would have been another reason for him to drink, poor him narrative. He has been engaged twice since but never married.
You are young, don't get trapped.

But he just seems to not know what stop means anymore and will carry on whilst I'm visibly frustrated and upset

OP this is abusive. When you say no, he should stop. If you're visibly upset by something he should apologise.

Drinking every night is bad for mental health, especially if there's already an issue.

The combination of these three things and the impact it's having on you are More than enough for you to put yourself first and end this relationship.

Why do you need to “work on” the relationship? You don’t have children,or share property.

At 20 you should be having fun, not trying to “work” on a relationship. I know you love him but trust me - love is absolutely not enough.