Boyfriends mental health taking its toll on me now.

[sarah2801]

He is struggling with his mental health and has done for a long time. We are both 20, hes my first boyfriend and he lives about 2 hours away from me. I've been back home for about a week after being with him for 3 weeks, we've called every night, just like we have done for the past year but this weeks its just been a bit tiring. I feel bad going to sleep because I dont want to leave by himself upset, but he refuses to sleep until 5 or 6 in the morning.

Hes been drinking every night now hes been paid. this annoys me when Ive been giving him money and borrowing money to give to him and leaving myself with nothing.

I feel like part of my recent frustration with him comes from the way he was when i visited him. He would constantly wind me up by laying on my to trap me, tickling me, pulling duvet over my head whilst i struggle and beg him not to. hes always done this stuff and its usually funny. But he just seems to not know what stop means anymore and will carry on whilst Im visibly frustrated and upset.

I want to be clear that i care about him and love him very much and will always support him with his mental health problems, but hes refusing to get professional help and I don't know what to do for him anymore. Im not sure what the point in this post is, i guess i just want to rant.

What on earth did I just read.

OP end this now 🌺

What's in it for you? You haven't said a single thing that is good about him in your post.

You are so young. Please don’t tie yourself to a man who refuses to help himself appropriately-using you as an unqualified and free therapist does not count, who drinks every night and can’t even go to bed at a normal time. A lot of people use mental health problems as an excuse to behave exactly how they want, so people won’t call them on it-it does appear your boyfriend is one of them. You don’t live together so I should be much easier to put boundaries in place, ie you won’t go and see him unless he goes to the doctor and follows the advice, you won’t lend him money or he stops being a problem drinker. Your whole op was about him and what you do for him-I bet he does not make the effort to visit you, or ask you about your problems, or help you with money. Seems like he is all work and no play-so many men are not like this, they look after themselves, can manage money and don’t problem drink as well as treating you as you should be treated. I know it’s hard, I have been you many times-they always ended up dumping me for someone else, or when they sorted themselves out.

You're already trapped.

“OP, honestly, please don't do this to yourself. You can't give him the help he needs because you are not a trained professional. In the absence of a trained professional he is using you as a crutch. Remove yourself and he might get the proper help he actually needs. It's the most caring, responsible, loving thing you can do. You cannot help him. You being there is enabling him to carry on doing the same things that do not help him.”

Not RTFT but this. I’m seeing a really worrying trend of people with abusive tendencies saying they have mental health problems because they think it gives them carte blanche to treat other people like shit. In fact, functional, responsible people with MH problems seek treatment and try to avoid doing anything that might harm someone else.

Working through things is what you do when you’ve been together decades and you hit a bump in the road. It’s not what you do when you’re 20 and being emotionally and physically abused by your BF. You don’t work through that. You walk away.

If he is in the habit of using his physical strength to hold you down and do things you don’t want done, that means he is a danger to you. If he’s holding quilts over you, he could KILL you. Whatever you had, it’s gone.

Women are not rehab centres for broken men. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. It is not only not your job to fix him but by trying to support him, you’re allowing him to continue with his self-harming and destructive habits. From a place of love, you are actually making things worse.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you have real-life support - family or friends who can help you disentangle yourself.

Why are you not in a position to leave?
You said you live two hours away from him.
You have set the bar low for yourself and I’m assuming you did not have a healthy childhood.
You cannot fix this man.
He’s got loads of issues and maybe that’s why you are attracted to him.
He’s very damaged.
He’s unemployed, drinking and has lots of emotional issues.
Do you feel you want to fix him? Make it better?
If so you are codependent. This is not a cristism of you.
You can look up CODA - or was one of your parents an alcoholic or abusive. If so you have picked a familiar partner.
Honestly at 20 I’d seek therapy for yourself - instead of giving him money for drink!!!
You have so much potential if you do some work on your self esteem.
His tickling could escalate - he knows you don’t like it and continues to do it. What does that say?
You cannot control him re his drinking, you cannot cure him or change him.
He needs to do the work.
I hope he’s not threatening suicide if you leave him? They usually do.
You can leave him - your choosing not to at the moment.
Do not get pregnant.
Do you work?

@Dery I do have my family around me, but I'm a private person, I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my relationships :/

@Whydidimarryhim

Why are you not in a position to leave? You said you live two hours away from him. You have set the bar low for yourself and I’m assuming you did not have a healthy childhood. You cannot fix this man. He’s got loads of issues and maybe that’s why you are attracted to him. He’s very damaged. He’s unemployed, drinking and has lots of emotional issues. Do you feel you want to fix him? Make it better? If so you are codependent. This is not a cristism of you. You can look up CODA - or was one of your parents an alcoholic or abusive. If so you have picked a familiar partner. Honestly at 20 I’d seek therapy for yourself - instead of giving him money for drink!!! You have so much potential if you do some work on your self esteem. His tickling could escalate - he knows you don’t like it and continues to do it. What does that say? You cannot control him re his drinking, you cannot cure him or change him. He needs to do the work. I hope he’s not threatening suicide if you leave him? They usually do. You can leave him - your choosing not to at the moment. Do not get pregnant. Do you work?

I don't know I just couldn't do it, I have no one else. My childhood confuses me, so it's hard to say. My parents are still together, still seem to love each other, but are constantly at each others throats. I want him to be happy, he's had a bad childhood. When I first started getting to know him, I don't think I knew about the drinking and mental health problems, we were on line friends for a loongg time. I won't act like I'm a perfect picture to you all, I'm also unemployed, do have the odd few emotional issues and drink a few nights every week. I take precautions not to get pregnant, I wouldn't be in the position for a baby no matter who I was with right now.

You're at a crossroads, OP. You can put time and effort into yourself to become a content, secure person, or allow yourself be dragged down an unhappy path.

Just because he is a bit better than others doesn't make him good enough. I think there is a sticky post somewhere about a healthy relationship. This is not one.

Plenty of decent men out there. Don't settle.

Don't give him money. Walk away. His 'games' are dangerous.

You might want him to be happy, but it isn't your lifelong responsibility to take on the role of saviour.

You're so young, don't tie yourself to someone like this and ruin your own life in the process.

'I couldn't do it, I have no one else'

That's a very low benchmark for a relationship. While you're with him, you won't find anyone better... and there are A LOT of better men out there.

Please, you're 20, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Don't settle for this man child, he will drag you so far down you won't recognise yourself. Leave, you don't have to fix him, you can't fix him.

You have so much worth and so much love to give to the right person. That right person won't have an alcohol problem, they will build you up rather than knock you down.

OK you've had a terrible example of a relationship from your parents. You don't have to reproduce that but in order not to, you have to work on yourself.

If you stay in this relationship, and others like it, you won't be happy. You'll just be a very safe and comfortable kind of unhappy.

It would just be so difficult to leave him, I went though some horrible things last year and I had to get rid of my friends. He was so helpful and always there for me, I know for sure I wouldnt have coped at all without him.
I know that once he gets the professional help he needs, he will be grand, but I just don't know how to make him get it when he don't want it

You can't. He has to want to do it for himself.

So far l can't see what there is to like about this man...and you love him?

So you love being skint and alcohol being his priority. You love having all his MH problems dragging you down this soon into your relationship. You love being with a man who respects you so little that he doesn't listen when you say stop...

Think you need to raise your standards

OP, I'm 63. If I were in your position and could speak to my 20 year old self (whom I love - I'm a nice person, then and now) I'd say...

Run! Get the fuck away from that loser!
You are ALREADY in an abusive relationship.
Today, get rid of him. Walk away. You'll make new friends. Also, you don't actually need friends. You need to be a real friend to yourself.

'This isn't working for me, mate. Bye.' No explanations, no second chances.

Then

Get on a waiting list for talking therapies to deal with self-esteem, abusive relationships, growing up in your parents' home. Even if your issues seem like nothing to those you see in others, dealing with them now will put you on the right path to having at least sixty more happy years of life ahead of you.

And

Take up yoga and belly dancing. That's belly, not ballet. You'll have a perfect, flexible body forever if you keep to those.

The choice you are making now, to be with him, isn't healthy. There is so much better out there, waiting for you.

Sorry but I will not be with a man who refuses to get help for his mental health problems.
Not only that but he drinks and does not understand boundaries.
just no.
You cannot and do not deserve to live like this and should leave. He is taking advantage of you because you are a soft touch and he knows he can abuse you.
Someone else on here said:
Women should not be rehab centres for badly raised or damaged men. This is 100% true. I've been there and got the teashirt and trust me it NEVER ends well. Find someone decent. Do not waste your life on losers like this.

I once felt I had to stay with someone because they were there for me during a tough time. I didn't. I didn't owe them anything. They were dragging me down in fact. But I spent a long time thinking I owed them. It was just a waste.

I know that once he gets the professional help he needs, he will be grand, but I just don't know how to make him get it when he don't want it

You don't actually. My version of this was a gorgeous, intelligent, unwell guitarist. Messed up family, loads of issues. I was 16. He did eventually get help but was still needing help 20 years later. He needed up institutionalised. Sometimes people don't get better.

Drinking and/or drugs make this stuff much worse and that's his choice. And you're enabling him, not helping. You leaving actually makes it more likely he will seek help.

At the moment you're both limping along, codependent and stopping each other getting better. You'll learn in time, we're just trying to help you learn the easy way, rather than the very hard way we learned.

And yes, no one understands because no one has ever felt the way you do... trust me, we have.

@sarah2801

It would just be so difficult to leave him, I went though some horrible things last year and I had to get rid of my friends. He was so helpful and always there for me, I know for sure I wouldnt have coped at all without him. I know that once he gets the professional help he needs, he will be grand, but I just don't know how to make him get it when he don't want it

This is what will happen op.

You'll waste years and years trying to help him get clean / mentally well. You'll pour your heart and soul into doing it, losing all that is you along the way.

If by some miracle he does sort himself out, he will drop you like a hot potato and go find himself someone else. Someone who isn't a shell of their former self, someone he hasn't destroyed. You will witness him go off and have that lovely relationship, family, marriage the whole shebang that you felt was your reward for 'helping him'.

As hard as it will be in the short term, this is a LOT better than the long term option.

He's extremely immature, even so for a year ols (I assume he's more or less the same age you are).
He can't handle money and he plays childish games, where he doesn't want to stop playing them, even if it's clear you don't find them funny. This is he beginning of abuse. The drinking, the sleeping patterns and the not reaching out for professional help are also indications that he's not going to get any better.
He may not be a bad person, but if you stay with him, it won't end well.

"20 year old
sorry numlock was off

You are not happy with him. He is not good to you.