how much do you do for your dp dh?

[nikcola]

i was just wondering well being nosey how much do you all do for your dhs dps like iorning cooking and so on and what do they do ?

I want joanneg's husband

jampot, I hire him out at weekends for a small fee

I'm soooo glad i found this post!! I have been thinking of talking about this for sometime but was afraid to hear the replies!!! The biggest arguments in our house are over who does (or doesnt do) what when it comes to housework etc. I have dd-nearly 3 and ds-4months. I'm a SAHM through choice. I always make sure that the main front room and kitchen are clean and tidy when dp comes in. I have a HUGE pile of washing that, although I do about 2 loads + most days, doesnt go down! We dont possess an ironing board lol it comes out pretty much ironed from the dryer! I cook 90% of the meals. HOWEVER!! Is this enough for dp?? Is it hell!!!The arguments start at the weekends when i expect him to check he's got enough washing for work and if not to wash it himself (after all he IS 39 and i'm NOT his Mummy!!) I also expect him to take over some of the chores for the kids but no!! Silly me!! Don't I know he works all week?? Like, he's the only man in the whole wide world who works?? It's driving me mad. Does anyone else get this? is it just a man thing? or have i just got a big bad lazy one??

Oh no, am so depressed now! I work full time, and do 90% of stuff at home (except cooking and ironing DH shirts).

Just realised I need to get the whip out, and get him into shape!!

Anyone up for swapping their DH?

do you know, i think women had it easy when they werent expected to go out to work.. ok, they had to do all the housework and the cooking, but they usually had a support structure of family and friends around, and the dh was expected to pay all the bills.
now we are expected to work, contribute to the familys finances, and yet still have to do seventy percent of the housework, childcare.
all that feminism has got us is more work.

i am a sahm at the moment with three kids, 7, 3 and 1.5. why does everyone expect me to return to work once the youngest is in school? i work bloody hard right now, with no help from dh, why should i not have time to read a book, or go shopping without screaming brats once they are in school? all my friends and family work. i have to justify my decision not work constantly.
women in the fifties had it much easier

I agree with you Stitch!

And zethyrcat, I am convinced they pull little boys aside at school, and tell them all about TV remotes and sitting on the sofa when they grow up!

I reckon we split everything fairly much equally. I would say that dp is in charge of finances & fabric while I am in charge of the children & car.

By that I mean that I am the one who knows about ds's routines, does jabs, social organisation etc. but I would say that we do everything fairly 50:50 with ds. We nearly always bath him together, at the weekends we're both with him most of the time and on weekdays dp gets ds up and off to nursery and I pick him up in the evenings. But I am the coordinator! With finances dp has the overview, but I do research etc. if we need to buy something for the house/ds and present dp with my findings (not because he holds the purse strings, but because we're one of those couples that just like to both be fully involved in everything). Housework we split fairly evenly (i.e. DS communicates with the cleaner, I go to the bank and get out her money!), but if I was single I would live with overflowing bins (in fact, I did when I met dp!) and dp would use paper plates and plastic cups (or more likely have take out every night - he told me that he had nothing in house and everything he owned was waiting in the dirty wahing pile because he was away on business the week after we met - and I believed him - duh!). So obvisouly dp does the bins and I do the cooking (cleaner does the washing up!).

What about the children? Ds puts the milk bottles and recycling out!

you're not wrong there teriS!! Dont even get me started on the tv and the remote!! I think half of it is that maybe they are cleverer than we give them credit for and they deliberately do things badly knowing that we wont ask them to do it again! I have lost count of how many times I have made dp wash up and ended up re-doing it to get all the bits he missed - meanwhile he is sitting smugly in front of the tv!!

I cant understand the approach of 'dont you know I work all week!' - zephyrcat - having a 3 year old and a 4 month old isnt work I am angry on your behalf!

My dh used to look forward to going into work for a break when ds was little and colicy!! He used to say that he felt sorry for me and would feel bad because he would be sitting at his desk drinking coffee and he would know that I would be running around like a mad thing! His job is stressful and I feel for him with the pressure - but that is why our situation works. We both have empathy to put ourselves in each others situations and work together.

I LOOK AFTER HIS MOTHER...........................

she lives with us for 8yrs.

joanneg - thanks for the anger! Glad it's not me over-reacting when I really should be bowing down to the almighty worker!!! One day he turned around and told me that his co-workers were astounded that I didn't have a meal waiting for him when he came in! Lol
Slink - ARE YOU MAD??? lol

I agree, DH definitely does things badly to avoid having to do them again. He does exactly the same thing with the washing up... lol.

One of the things I found when I was on maternity leave (and therefore SAHM), was that if you are working and feel ill, you take the day off, but when you are a SAHM and you feel ill... tough luck!! I do feel for you - I find working full-time tough, but I do remember that being at home was just as hard - and you never get a break from it.

The thing that makes me laugh most of all is that he argues that its my part of the deal to look after and run the house while he works BUT at the weekends if I get him to look after the kids while i do housework he can't cope with them for much more than 10 minutes - by which time ds is screaming and dd is taking advantage to the max!!! Sometimes i just stay in the kitchen a bit longer and smile to myself lol

does anyone else have really big arguments over this stuff? A friend of mine says she just does what her dp thinks she should do to avoid an argument whereas I would rather argue and make him do something!!

Yes zephyrcat, big humdinging rows!

yes zephyr - we argue a lot about it. DH thinks that because I work 5 hours a day that I have loads of extra time to do all the housework.

Dh leaves the house at about 6.50am and gets home at about 4.10pm (if he's not working overtime) BUT he only gets his sandwiches ready and has a wash/shower etc, he has a cup of tea etc at work. I get up at 6.45am and get myself ready, ensure the children have got their things, do brekkie for us all, make sandwiches for ds, and then start the school run at 8.15 arriving back home at about 9.05 whereupon I will throw some washing in the machine and start my 5 hour working day, finishing at about 2.30. Then of course I have to grab some lunch and hang washing out/put in tumble dryer etc (if I do it earlier then obviously work later etc). I start the school run at 3pm and arrive back home at about 3.50. So even though he works longer hours than me in paid work, we are both busy for the same period of time - then of course I start evening meal etc, homework, spellings,

just to make a point stitch and teris - women through the centuries have always worked - staying at home is very much a modern phenomenon

saying that - why dont you SAHm's who work all week - put your feet up at weekend at tell him indoors you've worked all week - see what he does.
i have a friend who insists her dh does his own washing ironing butties for work etc ....she is not his mummy after all.

when my kids were babies - i always tried to get the living room and kitchen to a livable standard and have his evening meal ready for when he got in.

my hubby still gives me the "but i work all week - i dont want to mow the lawn" i answer so have i, now get your arse in gear fuckwit or your walking every where next week - you heard it first from your bloody taxi driver" or something similar.

Oh goodness, I've been lurking all day. Just can't decide when best to jump in and let loose on DH. My biggest gripe is Saturday moning (and it makes me so groundshaking furious that I often think about leaving him -- but I'm sure he doesn't know this because he's too wrapped up in his little world to ever notice). Saturday mornings are generally the first morning he has woken up at home since the previous Sunday. He works away all week, generally leaving on Sunday evening and returning on Friday late afternoon or evening. I work full time outside the house. We have a live in nanny. But, early mornings and evenings are mine. SO, on Saturday morning I think we should both get up and try to do the household chores that have been neglected all week. But, no, he heads to his computer, surfs the web, works on his website reads his books, magazines, whatever. And this leaves me to tend to the baby and morning shores (like shopping).

Something not right about this picture. He hasn't been home all week. So when he's there on Saturday morning, I think he needs to put his family before his hobbies. Normal people take care of the family, household, and associated chores. But, he thinks the weekend is still his free time (like it was when he was single). And if you approach him when he's doing something, he will snap back in utter rudeness.

He even suggests that I have me time to myself when I go to Tesco, and he stays home to watch the baby (while she sleeps!). OOOOOO yeah, Tesco was soooo much fun, can I do it again next week????

Okay, I should probably shut up now....

Uwila I havent posted on this thread as i do everything and reading everybody else saying Oh my dp/dh does this that and the other will push me over the edge...so I know how you feel!

I do:

all childcare - health/school stuff/afterschool activities/homework etc. DH has not got a clue who is where/when. I once asked him to collect DD1 from Brownies - he then went to the Scout Hut and waited for her!

all cooking
all shopping
all cleaning - although he will do washing if he's around and he irons his own stuff.
put rubbish out/lawn mowing
I pay all bills
I choose and book all our holidays

However, I do not make packed lunches for him (he eats out anyway), nor does he expect dinner on the table when he gets in.

In fairness to DH, the reason why I do everything is because he is NOT here to do it anyway. He is out of the door at 5am and gets in anytime between 6.30pm and 10pm.

Also, I'm a SAHM who is studying an OU course plus 4 "half-days" volunteer work at school to supplement my studying.

No! dont shut up Uwila!! You've just described my life lol. Every Saturday morning for us turns into a huge row and I usually threaten to leave. Dp is gone before we're up every morning and home late. So, on a Saturday I 'assume' that he would see spending time with his family as a way to realx and unwind, and that as it is his home and children as much as mine he would help - WRONG!!! If i mention anything it blows up into a big fight, and, exactly like you said, he sees weekends as 'his time off' to sit and read papers, watch tv etc while I continue with my on duty 24 hours a day work!!
I have often said "What would happen if i just sat down in front of the tv and had a day off - who would clear up? who woukd feed/look after the kids??" ........ didnt work, I still dread every weekend!

Uwila, I don't think hiring a cleaner would solve the underlying problem of your dh's attitude. But it might save your sanity for the moment.

custardo, i hope it doesnt sound as though i m being picky about my terminology, but the modern thing is not staying at home, but having a career. women have always worked to improve their standard of living, the house was always their responsibility. its only in recent decades that women are expected to have fulfilling careers.
and what is it with all these super moms out there. everyone seems to be working part time, with kids, and doing their degrees as well... or is it that these are the moms who have access to the net?
but honestly, the amount of housework most womens partners seem to be doing is phenomenal. im not my dh mom, but i still seem to do it all. and making sure he has a meal in the evening just makes my life less stressful. my hubby doesnt know how to use the dishwasher. he refused for ages to learn how to use the washing machine. and for seven months he refused to buy a vacuum cleaner, saying finances were tight!

ahhh... the cleaner. I raised this issue about a month ago. He said we didn't have the money, and he would take up vacuuming, etc. on the weekends. I'll believe it when I see it. The house is a tip. But, hey, I know, he could give up readin gDaturday morning and the money we save on the books he's not buying anymore would pay for the cleaner...

You know, I wouldn't even mind if we both got up and headed for Saturday morning chores. But, I've worked all week too (and harder than he has usually), so I'll be damned if I'm going to go do chores whilst he relaxes in his little dillusional world of no familial responsibilities. GRRRRR!!!!

I will reraise the cleaner topic in not too long, when I will also point at the filth around the house and point out that he is obviousl unable (which is just a polite word for unwilling) to do it himself.

I'm also considering finding some kind of Saturday morning activity that I too can enjoy. The trouble is it will need to be something that I can bring a 19 month toddler to.

Oh, and did I mention that I am the one who is pregnant.... clearly he is the one who needs to relax on Sturday morning.

Are you sure you don't want me to shut up?