How can I say NO to wife refurbishment project without going through hell

[DJNeves]

My wife is getting carried away with our home redesign. And it makes no financial sense. I just do not know how to break it through to her without being the stingy one, or the close-minded one.

Story short we went to an interior designer, we made 3 proposals. the first proposal came up at 50% of the sale value of our purpose-built flat. the cheapest proposal came up at 30% of the sale value of the flat.

My argument is that if we spend that money, we will not be able to retrieve it when the time to sell comes. There is a ceiling that even the bank looking at lending money for a mortgage will not go above. So we would have a flat that cost us 150 units for 100 units.

I fear her argument will be this is our home and she has no intention to sell it anyway.

My view would be to sell our existing flat as it is and buy a brand new designer flat. So sell the existing flat for 100 units. Use the 50 units refurbishment money as a further deposit and buy a designer home that is actually worth 150 units, and that you will be able to sell 150 units when the time comes.

I wish I would find a way to break it through in a cold manner without becoming emotional about it. My brother-in-law says it is a cultural issue. I do not know if it is a gender issue or just a different point of view. But in the end, someone will have to give in.

But in the end, someone will have to give in

It will be you. Your wife is always right. If all husbands could just acknowledge this the world would be a better place.

So basically your problem is that your wife wants to spend a lot of money on a refurb. Is it even a refurb or a redecoration?

Can't you just compromise on the cost of redecorating? Sack off the interior designer for starters. No way would I spend 50% of the value of a property redecorating, whether you have a cheap flat or an expensive flat that's just too much money.

What percentage of the cost is for fittings and how much of it would be for furniture etc that you can take with you?

Also, would the flat not go up in value?

Why do you want to move again? Is the flat you’re currently in big enough for a family if you’ve plans for children in the future? Are you in a good area, close to work etc? These are all points to bring up when discussing whether or not you should move, but if she is dreaming of a forever home it might be a good idea to go the “are we in a place big enough for our family” route.

@DJNRotrou but you’ve changed your name from your original post so it’s confusing

You haven’t explained why you don’t want to re decorate the flat. Why did you go to three interior designers if you don’t want to re decorate but want to move instead?

Are you in a rising market? I'm only asking because I bought my flat in 2008 and have spent 50% on renovations. 12 years later and I have a beautiful flat that is worth more than the cost + refurb. It doesn't matter than I spent more than needed as it all balanced out.

Is that you Boris?

@SeaShoreGalore

Is that you Boris?

Excellent! ..

Hi,

the first post was my name, not always appropriate to use one name in a forum, so I changed it when I realised it for a more anonymous pseudonym.

No, I am not a Boris, and it is maybe best not to try too hard to find out who we all are.

I do agree, I will give in to what my wife wants for the most part whatever it is. But I do want to voice my point of view in a sympathetic way without coming across as conflicting.

We went to see the friend of my sister-in-law who has an interior design studio, he did the study gracefully, and what he showed us was great and was the fruit of his collaboration with my wife.

I do not want to move, I like where we live now and will keep on loving it whatever we do inside. We can afford the revamp though it would eat up through our savings and compromise future investments opportunity.

I have only that automated habit of analysing things as a long-term venture/investment and the bearing it may have in case you simply decide to change home, or go back to live in France or whatever life may through at you.

In a way, I do not mind doing it as such, but it would be a better thing to do in a house than it would be in a purpose build flat that will only be worth so much.

I entertain the wish/being able to afford to move in a house in the future if our circumstances permit it. And being able to recoup as much value from the first property may be critical to make this a possibility.

I already know how I will approach it, and previous feedback helped me put a few bits in the right order as I said above. So I am grateful.

From there, as many said, it is about reaching the best compromise as possible, without causing or building any undue resentment. I'll keep you posted on Monday, maybe I will have some valuable feedback to give away too.

Do you actually need an interior designer to do the whole lot for you? Maybe look through the proposals and pick out the bits that will ad te most value. Then do the rest yourselves. That might be a good compromise?

@Hoppinggreen

Why are you asking a bunch of complete strangers how to have a reasonable conversation with your wife?

Maybe for the same reason that EVERY OTHER THREAD STARTER on here is doing the exact same thing about their husband?

It sounds like there's some serious compatibility issue here. Why does anyone with a bit of sense, and idea what's necessary for their own purposes and a love of their own space need to spend a fortune on an effing interior designer FFS? Sorry but your wife sounds pretentious. Your flat would be a much more effective expression of the life and love you share through the space you cohabit, if you sat down and worked out how you want it to be together, and did the work yourselves or organised tradespeople to do it.

Different attitudes to money are notorious for being one of the main causes of divorce. You can say you'll do everything you can to make her happy but there's only so far that can go. The inescapable fact is that you also have to live with the consequences of your joint financial decisions. Neither of you know for sure that you're never going to sell the flat, and if if you don't it's still a waste of your long term wealth.

I'd also wager that it won't make her happy for very long anyway, and before long you'll be having the same argument again about some other part of the flat. Materialism just isn't as satisfying as it promises to be.

I don't know what the answer is.

Oh come on, mumsnet... A bit of a pile in! If the average home costs £250k he’s been quoted up to £125k to do it up from an interior designer (not a builder who can add space or value). I mean that’s clearly an insanity for paint and cushions. All this talk about “serious incompatibility” and being snippy to him for reducing to percentages appears really petty. Would YOU spend 50% of market value in a cosmetic refurb? In a pandemic? Would you? If not, and even if so, this is a fair question. How do you reign in enthusaism without hurting feelings? And one of those rare times where the gender of the asker seems to affect the answers, which is sad to read because I actually rarely see it on mumsnet despite the cliches attacking this forum.
@violetbunny said a fair point- do it up for less without an interior designer. Take the inspiration from their ideas.
I was looking for a bed today and on Anthropologie it was £1200. On ebay it was £200. So
Work out a way to refresh without spending a crazy premium. Maybe don’t talk in money but get behind the ideas- take some real time to look at how you both can achieve the spirit of the renovation for cheaper - and show by that dedication that you’re listening to what she wants to achieve - some mood boards and ebay searches and suggestions- show you understand and appreciate her desire to make it better and more beautiful without getting into crazy debt. Unless its her money and property- in which case, it really is up to her- and all you can do is guide and then appreciate at least the passion. Some people gild bungalows to look like Versaille and are happy. As soon as they die someone else papers over it. But it was home to them and thats what matters.

If you're not going to see a return on what is basically an investment I don't see the point TBH. My wife wanted to add a conservatory to the rear of our house. A few neighbours have already done this. Our house will still be tiny, the pathetic new build garden will be smaller still and for what? The living room will be cold all the time and no more practical.

I have some sympathy with your wife’s point of view that it’s worth spending money to make your home one that you enjoy living in, especially if she feels this is already her dream home other than the decor. And to some extent if you have the money then I think this is a very valid thing to spend your money on. No less valid than spending it on expensive holidays, or whatever else you might spend money on as long as it’s true disposable income. I think that’s different to spending money that would otherwise be invested and saved for future financial stability, or to buy a larger better property somewhere in the future (which also increases financial security).

Some people just have expensive tastes (unfortunately I’m one of them), and no amount of people telling me that a granite worktop is not necessary now we have more modern composites instead, will make me ever see anything other than pure granite as the most beautiful (not that I have granite worktops, cos I can’t afford them 😂 - but my point is that I would totally spend the money if I had it on this even if it wouldn’t increase the value of my house at all unless I was planning to sell in the near future. And would be happy to spend it on that than buy a new fancy handbag let’s say. However I wouldn’t spend the money if it meant having to work an extra few years past retirement age.

Even I would struggle to justify spending 50 percent of the value of the property on a refurb, unless it’s a situation where you’re a billionaire and can easily afford it, and the property is a unique and unusual property like a lighthouse or something, and the refurb could make it a completely one of a kind dream designer home (which sounds like it’s not quite the case!) even if it doesn’t raise the value of the property. That just doesn’t make financial sense.

I agree with other pps that your first mistake was going to an interior designer! And your second was not giving them a budget that you had agreed beforehand! You need to agree on a budget you’re both comfortable spending to make this the house you both want for now, while still giving you options for the future if life changes and not hemming yourselves in.

@greycloudysky 😂👍

Are you a Sim?

@Hadjab

Are you a Sim?

Interesting question and it seems to me that you have different values. If she works in fashion then she quite probably will care deeply about having something designed just right for her tastes, whereas your view is more transactional.

Presumably you married her for who she is, and that comes with the package. You sound like you love her. It also sounds like she earns as well so at least some of the money is earned by her.

Unless this is going to be an expense that will genuinely put your joint finances at risk, I suggest you approach this differently. Why not say to her "I understand this is something that is important to you. I am worried that this is more expensive than I expected. If you think on this and after a week you can tell me that you definitely still want to go ahead, knowing that should we sell we would probably lose some of our investment, I will accept that and support your wishes. I'm not objecting, I just want you to think it over and go into this with open eyes." Then you need to accept her decision and put it behind you.

The reason I suggest this is to get her to take the responsibility for making the choice. That is different from her asking you. She may surprise you, but also I do think she has a right to choose how to spend her money.

Some update, We talked about it and it just came out very much as many of you said. Taking only some of the key ideas from the designer, discarding others that seem superfluous and expensive. It was still a little bit tense, but it is not as if we are about to start the work tomorrow.

So after a few more passionate comments we laid it to rest and will revisit the project. I am now completely on board with the benefit of the open-plan concept, now agreeing on the implementation/contractor/specifications will be the next hurdle.

Compromise and communication are the key. You've made a good start by the sound of it. Best of luck.

I understand both sides. Go on themodernhouse.com and see if there's something suitable instead of doing it yourself.