How can I say NO to wife refurbishment project without going through hell

[DJNeves]

My wife is getting carried away with our home redesign. And it makes no financial sense. I just do not know how to break it through to her without being the stingy one, or the close-minded one.

Story short we went to an interior designer, we made 3 proposals. the first proposal came up at 50% of the sale value of our purpose-built flat. the cheapest proposal came up at 30% of the sale value of the flat.

My argument is that if we spend that money, we will not be able to retrieve it when the time to sell comes. There is a ceiling that even the bank looking at lending money for a mortgage will not go above. So we would have a flat that cost us 150 units for 100 units.

I fear her argument will be this is our home and she has no intention to sell it anyway.

My view would be to sell our existing flat as it is and buy a brand new designer flat. So sell the existing flat for 100 units. Use the 50 units refurbishment money as a further deposit and buy a designer home that is actually worth 150 units, and that you will be able to sell 150 units when the time comes.

I wish I would find a way to break it through in a cold manner without becoming emotional about it. My brother-in-law says it is a cultural issue. I do not know if it is a gender issue or just a different point of view. But in the end, someone will have to give in.

Generally, it makes more financial sense to make the changes you need to your current home to achieve what you want, than to sell and buy another - once you take the costs of solicitors, estate agents and stamp duty into account. If it's going to cost £50k to refurb and £30k in sunk costs to move, I'd do the refurb.

Fair enough ClarkeGriffin but it felt like he was asking us how to speak “woman”

sounds like she has a home you have a flat. its good to talk.

Watch "Love it or list it", then have a chat...

*In all fairness, we could say the same thing about every thread on here. If we are going down that route, just close every forum on the Internet and leave a disclaimer of 'learn to talk to people' on the Web page.

Seems a bit of a waste though to spend all that money and get no return on it, that's the gist I'm getting at least."

Why are people being so nasty? I'm afraid the responses here seem to be tainted with prejudice against OP for being male.

I know what he means by a designer flat. And he has explained his financial situation perfectly adequately, using units so that his meaning is clear without citing the actual figures, which seems perfectly fair to me. OP may not wish to give unneeded specific figures, as is his right!

I'm afraid I don't have any advise on your situation, OP.

I would arrange to go and view the type of property you want.

To be clear, I am agreeing with the poster I quoted.

This is because you are looking at your flat in purely investment terms and she is looking at it as a home. Neither wrong but you are not on the same page, different books currently.

What on earth is going on here? What a weird post.

You need to factor in moving costs too.

@Nomorepies

Wtf is a unit. This is so bizarre. Are you unable to have a rational conversation with your wife? If you speak anything like you write OPs, perhaps she finds you hard to follow. Like we do.

I think a 'unit' must simply equate to a pocket of value : A unit=£1000 etc.

I'm not baffled by the use of the term "units" but it appears that op is making false assumptions.

Some improvements will increase the value of a property beyond the "units" invested. Some won't. So it may not be as simple as 150 units spent on Flat A is equal to 150 units to purchase Flat B.

As others point out, the OP has not demonstrated that he is taking into consideration the costs of selling and buying a new home.

OP also seems to be overlooking the personal value of having a home that one has designed to one's own tastes and to meet one's own needs.

Firstly, using an interior designer makes no financial sense if you are near the ceiling of the value of your flat. Enrol onto an interior design course and do it yourself. I did one for around £127 and it has totally changed the way I approach redesign/decorating.

I agree with you that paying a crazy amount over what the flat is worth is not financially viable. Can't you just have a reasonable discussion about your differences in opinion and come to a compromise? Neither of you is right or wrong, it's just something you have differences of opinion about. I've just paid for a bathroom which I'll never get the money back from when I sell my house but it's been worth every penny to me (however I don't need to run my decisions past anyone). Maybe you just view the property differently to her. I feel there's a reasonable discussion to have. But remember, if you move, it costs a lot, so you would need to factor that into the equation too.

God she sounds like my mother

Always renovating some area of the house to fill the void

She will throw out a solid marble kitchen top with no thought of how much it cost, or how hard father works to afford these things

Father just "yes dears" her (classic enabler)

So OP is the enabler & DW holds the purse strings.

I predict she doesn't work & controls the family finances

OP why don't you just say no?

Flat currently worth X, works costing Y.
X + Y = Z.

If the estimated sale value after work carried out is less than Z, then it is a waste of money.

Just talk to her.

Oh wait, you said why you can't say no in your thread title

Because by saying "No" to her you will "go through hell"

She sounds delightful

OP, do you get to tell your wife 'NO' in your marriage, or do you discuss your differences of opinion. Are you the boss?

You talk about not wanting to be the "stingy or close-minded one". Does she call you those things often? Maybe look at how you manage your finances, and think about whether you are prone to being too prudent.

But also, you will both possibly need to compromise. Can the same "look" be achieved for less? (Interior designers can go a bit mad recommending all sorts of fancy things, which can be paired back to a more realistic budget. I saved a fortune on my last kitchen re-fit by having normal cupboards and drawers, instead of fancy pull-out inserts and refrigerated compartments. Cutting back on the built-in gadgets also cuts down the cost).

However, if you can't see eye to eye on this, think about the value you place on your wife's happiness. If a lovely home brings your wife joy, you might think it is money well spent.

Ask your BIL to come round and help both of you discuss the "cultural issue".

stop saying units

Why not sit down together and talk about where you see yourselves in 10, 20, 30 years time.

Do you want children/more children? Will you want to still be in this flat in 10 + years?

Talk through finances. Is this actually affordable?

It is your home. It's ok to want to make it lovely not for future financial benefit but because you live there.

There is a compromise to be found here. When winning and getting your way becomes your aim, it's nails in the coffin of your marriage time!

OP do you live in/come from a country where home ownership is common or where renting is more the norm? Wondering if you have an expectation that buying and selling a few times is normal, but your wife has a background where buying a home is a permanent thing.

If you want to buy a nicer place go and see some. Then refurbishing won’t seem so attractive.

You have to sell the dream sometimes.

Poor OP, you are at a disadvantage of being male when posting on here (sorry if my presumption is wrong), if you posted that it was your husband you would get different answers

You want to sell the place as it is and move to somewhere New (soon or relatively soon). She wants to re-do the current place and live there. You think it's a waste of money cause you want to sell and she doesn't think it's a waste of money because she wants to live there.

Is this the core problem? If yes. Then I'm not sure what culture and gender has anything to do with it.