How can I say NO to wife refurbishment project without going through hell

[DJNeves]

My wife is getting carried away with our home redesign. And it makes no financial sense. I just do not know how to break it through to her without being the stingy one, or the close-minded one.

Story short we went to an interior designer, we made 3 proposals. the first proposal came up at 50% of the sale value of our purpose-built flat. the cheapest proposal came up at 30% of the sale value of the flat.

My argument is that if we spend that money, we will not be able to retrieve it when the time to sell comes. There is a ceiling that even the bank looking at lending money for a mortgage will not go above. So we would have a flat that cost us 150 units for 100 units.

I fear her argument will be this is our home and she has no intention to sell it anyway.

My view would be to sell our existing flat as it is and buy a brand new designer flat. So sell the existing flat for 100 units. Use the 50 units refurbishment money as a further deposit and buy a designer home that is actually worth 150 units, and that you will be able to sell 150 units when the time comes.

I wish I would find a way to break it through in a cold manner without becoming emotional about it. My brother-in-law says it is a cultural issue. I do not know if it is a gender issue or just a different point of view. But in the end, someone will have to give in.

So basically to boil it down you don’t want to renovate you want to sell and move to someplace better, she wants to renovate? It’s neither culture or gender. It’s just a difference of opinion.

So you need to talk to one another. And agree on a way forward.

I was thinking when it's a man they always get slagged off/criticised but if it's a woman it's oh poor dear.

I'd much prefer to do up a place myself (or in your case with a designer) than have it ready made. Even with a designer you have input (it's a collaborative relationship).

@Hoppinggreen

Fair enough ClarkeGriffin but it felt like he was asking us how to speak “woman”

But isn't that also what women come on here asking help on? How to speak to a man and understand what a man we've never met is thinking?

Do you have DC? It might be cheaper to get divorced and do what you want, rather than "go through hell" if you dare say No.

I don't think either of you are wrong, it's just a difference of opinion. Have a heart to heart with her. Both of you can explain your long term ideals for where you live, what your house will look like, when or if you want to move etc. then hopefully you can come to a compromise.

I wish I would find a way to break it through in a cold manner without becoming emotional about it.

Christ!

Hi,

Thanks for all the feedback. Of course, at some point, we will have to talk about it, and the issue is very much to how to do it without making a false step that will strain the conversation.

I do agree that she sees it as her home, and she already voiced the fact she did not want to buy another property.

I know as well that I will do all I can to make her happy.

Exposing ideas to a bunch of strangers is not a novelty for me. I speak with my taxi drivers or my clients about stuff all the time. But it is not the first time that I use a forum to talk about stuff and it offers insight to the best of us.

I know for sure not to bring it as a gender or cultural difference if I do not want to poison the conversation thanks to the strong reactions that I read.

But I know my approach of only talking about numbers and investment will not resonate with her. I run a business and this cold analytic approach is far from the warm and caring heart she has.

I want to go the route of the compromise, and not going the full revamp thing.

And for the ones wondering, a designer flat as in designer clothes. I know all the flats are designed by architects. My wife works in fashion, and she loves interior design, and possibly the same way some people dream of a big wedding, she dreams of such a project.

I agree with you OP, why spend so much money on a refurb when you may not get that value back. Half or even a quarter of the value of its selling price would be too much in my opinion.

Ultimately this is about compromise. Is there something major she's had to compromise on so she feels she deserves this? Is there something else you could compromise on that's not so materially expensive?

Can you agree on a renovation budget and see what you can get with that and then either invest/save or do something nice with the rest?

I'd be livid if a partner of mine wasted money like this it makes no sense. Its an issue just not a gender one.

Everyone have an expensive hobby, ask her if she is willing to compromise

You mentioned the word Hell in your post, does this mean that you will be in big trouble,if you don't go along with your wife's desires, and that she always get's what she wants..
I am not sure how cultural,and gender issue come into this, but maybe they do.

You need to have equal input into your thoughts,and choices of what to do now.If money comes into it, you have to be realistic.

I wish I would find a way to break it through in a cold manner without becoming emotional about it.

well, for some people, it is the emotional responsethat matters.

Obviously I don't knwo you or your wife, but this line really stuck out to me.

If she is doing this from a base of emotion, for whatever reason, you can logically pursuade to your hearts content and it won;t have an effect. You need to understadn where it is coming from, and address it at that level.

But it is odd. Surely you would sit down and plan it. How much can we afford, how much do we want to do, what things matter to us (eg kitchen v. living room etc)

@DJNeves

Hi,

Thanks for all the feedback. Of course, at some point, we will have to talk about it, and the issue is very much to how to do it without making a false step that will strain the conversation.

I do agree that she sees it as her home, and she already voiced the fact she did not want to buy another property.

I know as well that I will do all I can to make her happy.

Exposing ideas to a bunch of strangers is not a novelty for me. I speak with my taxi drivers or my clients about stuff all the time. But it is not the first time that I use a forum to talk about stuff and it offers insight to the best of us.

I know for sure not to bring it as a gender or cultural difference if I do not want to poison the conversation thanks to the strong reactions that I read.

But I know my approach of only talking about numbers and investment will not resonate with her. I run a business and this cold analytic approach is far from the warm and caring heart she has.

I want to go the route of the compromise, and not going the full revamp thing.

And for the ones wondering, a designer flat as in designer clothes. I know all the flats are designed by architects. My wife works in fashion, and she loves interior design, and possibly the same way some people dream of a big wedding, she dreams of such a project.

Okay, personally I’m like your wife. I don’t see property as an asset but as a home and I would enjoy the process of renovating, painting, choosing furniture etc, and making it exactly how I wanted it. I honestly wouldn’t care whether it added (or subtracted) value, so I don’t think spelling out the figures for her will make any difference.

What I would do if I were you is express your reasons for wanting to sell it and buy a new one - is it more space? Better location? I’d also say that, if she is more ‘home’ inclined, she probably won’t want to be selling and moving every few years in the way you might, if you’re thinking purely about maximising value. Would you commit to finding a new property that can be the forever home, choose one with higher specs but potential for renovation too? That way, you get the higher value new flat, she gets the home she wants, and hopefully there’ll be enough “units” left over for her to make some decorative changes. Also, for me personally, renovating and changing things myself would be WAY more preferable than an identikit, fresh-out-the-box designer property. I want to put my own stamp on things and the actual tasks (painting etc) are part of the fun.

Finally, can you afford it? Can you sit down together and work out a budget for moving and renovating? Or could you agree to a cheaper, less expensive renovation on the current flat with a view to selling in, like 3 years? Those are the compromises I would be amenable to in your wife’s position.

Sounds like you two need to get together and try to come up with a shared vision for what you want your lives to be like. If you're not on the same page then this kind of issue will keep coming up.

So here it is. Forums are helpful in case anyone had any doubts. In this threads there was possibly 6-8 post that brought in some particularly helpful insigts and chocolatefreak and 1forall74 summed it up quite well.

I'll keep people posted. Tomorrow is another day.

thx tedmullins

Can you afford it? If not, just tell her you can't afford it.

Otherwise, tell her you don't like any of the designs and find something less expensive that you are both happy with.

Don't be like my ex though, expecting to live in a house that hadn't been painted since 1987 because he was too mean to go to B&Q. There are limits.

Name change fail?

I was hoping to follow with interest then I RTFP and realised it wasn’t about a wife going through some sort of partner-initiated makeover.

YABU for getting my hopes up.

I imagine she would rather spend money to “design” it herself than get a “pre-made” designer flat already done for her.
But I agree it makes no sense to spend so much that you’d never recoup the cost when selling. However, for this argument to work, you would have to agree about whether or not you would ever sell. Would you be happy in the flat long term if it was “done up” - in which case it doesn’t really matter about the resale value.
Or, if you are adamant you would like to move, why not move to a cheaper, less “done up” flat and put some money aside for doing it up and her to put her own stamp on it?
I would not want to move somewhere that was all done for me, if I enjoyed the interior design process. It wouldn’t feel like my home.

My username is my initials and high school in France. I guess it is more suitable than my name.

Rather than talking about it,arrange to view a property akin to what you have in mind should it come to selling and slightly upsizing.
Find a really nice one to look at, take her along, tell her it is just a window shopping trip for something you fancy, and you'd like her opinion.
Make sure you have time to sit over a cup of tea or whatever straight afterwards and talk about what you saw.
Property buying is something which is often decided by seepage, by gradually getting used to an idea. But if you try to merely discuss it without this visualisation, it is far easier for her to say no. She might be sold immediately if you look at the right place, and then you can plan from there.

(Obvs, this within whatever your local restrictions are for covid)

You and your wife need to distinguish between renovation and decoration.
You are right to think of ceiling prices etc if doing significant renovation. However decoration is something more personal and most people would prefer to have their own decoration done not just buy a new “designer” property which will be very “neutral” to appeal to the widest possible market. Decor is something you spend money on to make your own day to day life more pleasant, it’s not an investment.

What was the point of going to interior designers if you aren't interested in doing up the flat? Surely you should have said then - I don't see the point of spending money on doing up the flat instead of giving the impression you were open to it and then kicking off at actually doing it.

Whether it's worth spending money you won't get back in a sale is dependent on how long you both intend to live there. If it's a "forever" home then making it beautiful and the way you want it makes absolute sense. If you're intending to live there a good many years, same really.

If you're planning on moving in a couple of years, then it's silly.