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Original poster

Would you sacrifice it all?

103 replies

modernday · 18/03/2021 22:28

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years, and we are both early 30s and I know it's cliché but we really clicked from the first day.

However, our careers are very different. He's in the armed forces (spends 80% of the year at his base tho) and I work a regular office job. Ever since we met he's been very clear about the strong possibility of not wanting children/marriage. Whilst this is not something I absolutely dream about, I do sometimes envision myself getting married and/or having children but have also thought of sacrificing it for the right person (if he happens to be so long term).

Have any of you been in this situation? Did you actually sacrifice your wants and needs for the person you consider to be your other half? Was it worth it?

OP posts:

B1rdflyinghigh · 18/03/2021 22:34

It's causing you cause for concern, so you are worried. So I would be truthful to yourself. Is marriage and children what you really desire? If it is, it's time to be honest with your DP and discuss this.. Don't wait, do it now. It's pointless spending time with someone who doesn't wish for the same things as you do.

AyyMacarena · 18/03/2021 22:37

I wouldn't for someone who is away 80% of the time. I gave up marriage for my DP. I would rather be with him than married to my second choice. There's not a chance in hell I would give up having kids for him.

Does he commit fully in other ways? Sounds like he has all the benefits and none of the traps.

What do you think? Without everyone else's opinion?
Would you resent him?
What if you separate and you missed out on everything you wanted?

willibald · 18/03/2021 22:38

No.Fucking.Way. Not a chance in hell. I would ditch anyone who wanted everything on his terms, no strings attached (because there's no legal recognition for unmarried relationships excepting Civil Partnerships). He's in the forces, too, he won't be around and if he dies you'll get nothing.

NEVER ever sacrifice what you want in life for a relationship.

There are billions of men out there, there's no such thing as 'the one' and you can have a wonderful life without some 'other half'.

How old are you?

I'd end it now. He won't change.

seensome · 18/03/2021 22:39

I haven't been in the exact situation but I have learnt to put myself first and not wait for men to be ready.
I know you love him but you only see him 20% of the year and he's not wanting long term commitment with you. You feel he's the only one because he is the only one you are focusing on, if you were to be single, you could live your life a bit and settle down with a man that wants marriage and children, if you want it? Be truthful to yourself, don't let him sway you to thinking like him because you could do all this waiting around for nothing.

Changemaname1 · 18/03/2021 22:41

Prob not a very popular opinion but I wouldn’t really sacrifice anything for a man , well not important things anyway , relationships can end in an instant . Not worth it

pictish · 18/03/2021 22:42

No I haven’t and no I wouldn’t. I’m sure there are people with actual experience to impart here. I’m essentially talking out of a hole in my head...but, it’s still a strong instinctive no. All I can see is that it leaves one open and vulnerable to future bitter regret.

Original poster

modernday · 18/03/2021 22:48

Okay sorry I should have explained myself better. We both live in the city his base is at so by saying he's 80% of the time working at the base I was trying to say that he rarely goes away.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 18/03/2021 22:49

You get one life.
Why would you sacrifice this? What is he sacrificing? Will this be ok if he walks away in 10/15 years time? Because if it ends what will you have sacrificed ? He can still get married and start a family. It’s your choice, but personally I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t take my wants and needs into consideration. Selfishness to that degree doesn’t bode well

willibald · 18/03/2021 22:55

@modernday

Okay sorry I should have explained myself better. We both live in the city his base is at so by saying he's 80% of the time working at the base I was trying to say that he rarely goes away.

Makes no difference. No, I would never ever make a sacrifice like this for a man. No man is worth this. Relationships end all the time, as pointed out. Love is respect and the one of the greatest loves you can have is self-respect; no one can love you in a healthy way if you don't love yourself.

Original poster

modernday · 18/03/2021 22:58

I mean, I am not 100% sure I will ever want to get married and have children but I do consider it a possibility, I am in absolutely no rush though.

I am just thinking about where this relationship is going long term. If I end up deciding I don't want to get married or have children then I guess it'll all be good. Yet I'm worried 10 years from now (if we're still together) I'll be like "wait no, I actually do want children" and there'll be no way return for me. He does make a lot of effort in other areas of our relationship and as I said before he did mention from our first few conversations where he stood when it came to marriage/kids and since I'm still unsure I just went along with the relationship.

Now that I'm getting a bit older I'm like what if he truly never wants any of these things? Should I just leave now even if things are perfect or stay?

OP posts:

Ovine · 18/03/2021 22:59

No. And I can’t believe you’re even asking. Don’t self-edit, especially when it comes to major life experiences, for the sake of a relationship.

Toto2021 · 18/03/2021 23:05

@modernday I’m in the same situation and have a similar thread. We have only been together 2 years though. Like you I wasn’t 100% sure where I stood with it at first and had considered whether I really wanted kids or not. But the older I get I just know deep down I would regret not trying and I know I would resent my partner for denying me that chance. To have the possibility of it cut off by someone else means we will have to leave if we want that decision to be our own. Not easy when you love that person though.

AvantGardening · 18/03/2021 23:19

Having been in the forces I’d say he’s already married. She’s his hometown wife and you’re the local girlfriend.

pog100 · 18/03/2021 23:20

If you do want kids you will want to be in a rush in the next few years, you don't have forever especially if you are forging a relationship.
As an aside your OP was clear to me, as was your age, people are notoriously bad at comprehension.

Eekay · 18/03/2021 23:23

@Toto2021 I saw your thread. So hard for you and for this OP. But you just can't sacrifice something so important for a fella. If you split up down the line anyway and it's too late by then to conceive, you could bitterly regret it. But yes, such a wrench if the relationship is currently a good one.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2021 23:26

I am just thinking about where this relationship is going long term.

It's going nowhere, and he's being clear about that. Why would you settle for this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/03/2021 23:30

Not a hope in hell. And I didn't particularly want children. But if he can't compromise at all, your needs won't get met.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 18/03/2021 23:31

He doesn't want to marry you or have children with you

Why on Earth would you stay with him??

LilyWater · 18/03/2021 23:35

@modernday
Read the other thread called "42 and childless" where the OP was in exactly the same situation as you and see where you'll very likely to end up several years down the line if you stay with this non committal man.

You've already spent/wasted half a decade of precious years with this man who has told you outright he wants to have his cake and eat it, with no commitment whatsoever to you yet enjoy all the advantages of a committed relationship. Why on earth are you settling for this man, what's wrong with a finding a man who's actually present most of the time, in love with you and actually wants to legally commit to you?

As a woman, all the risk is on YOUR head. He has all the time in the world to have kids with another woman if he changes his mind virtually anytime in the future, YOU don't. Therefore the decision he's making regarding kids is in no way comparable to you making the same decision.

Even if you genuinely didn't want kids, this situation is screaming him uping and leaving some time in the future since staying unmarried keeps his options open without any divorce stigma.

On a separate note, men in armed forces are notorious for cheating (and it's so easy for them to get away with it and you'll have no idea) so do please look after yourself and don't pin any hopes on this man.

Suagar · 18/03/2021 23:39

@AyyMacarena

Does he commit fully in other ways? Sounds like he has all the benefits and none of the traps.

What do you think? Without everyone else's opinion?
Would you resent him?
What if you separate and you missed out on everything you wanted?

@AyyMacarena there are no other ways OP's boyfriend can "fully commit" that are in any way comparable to the legal commitments of marriage. If a man doesn't want to get married, it's always very telling.

pallisers · 18/03/2021 23:42

I moved to another country for dh. That was a considerable sacrifice. No way would I give up having children for his wishes (if he was infertile that's different).

Tbh OP the way I see it is he has said that he doesn't want marriage or children. Speaking as a much older woman I would tack a "with you" onto the end of this sentence. He doesn't want marriage or children with you. He may want them with someone else someday and when that day comes you may have spent your 30s with a man who ultimately is not committed to you and be childless and he may be moving on age 42 with a younger woman and a couple of kids.

My criterion for a husband/partner was I wanted to be his favourite person. Not someone who was fine for now. He is telling you loud and clear what he thinks. it may be hard but I think you need to listen to what he is saying to you - which he does not think he ever wants to completely commit to you and he does not want children with you.

CombatBarbie · 18/03/2021 23:43

When is he due to move to another base and what would the plan be for your relationship?

GreyhoundG1rl · 18/03/2021 23:43

I do sometimes envision myself getting married and/or having children but have also thought of sacrificing it for the right person (if he happens to be so long term).
Why? Why was it even in your consciousness that you may be asked to sacrifice this, and to have concluded that you would, if asked?
This is very, very weird.

OldWomanSaysThis · 18/03/2021 23:45

You have to think more about what you want and don't want out of life.

Dery · 18/03/2021 23:51

“Tbh OP the way I see it is he has said that he doesn't want marriage or children. Speaking as a much older woman I would tack a "with you" onto the end of this sentence. He doesn't want marriage or children with you. He may want them with someone else someday and when that day comes you may have spent your 30s with a man who ultimately is not committed to you and be childless and he may be moving on age 42 with a younger woman and a couple of kids”

This with bells on.

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