Would you sacrifice it all?

[modernday]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 years, and we are both early 30s and I know it's cliché but we really clicked from the first day.

However, our careers are very different. He's in the armed forces (spends 80% of the year at his base tho) and I work a regular office job. Ever since we met he's been very clear about the strong possibility of not wanting children/marriage. Whilst this is not something I absolutely dream about, I do sometimes envision myself getting married and/or having children but have also thought of sacrificing it for the right person (if he happens to be so long term).

Have any of you been in this situation? Did you actually sacrifice your wants and needs for the person you consider to be your other half? Was it worth it?

I wonder if you could find out from his base whether he has a wife elsewhere? When my sister's husband abandoned her with two kids and ran off to join the army, they soon tracked her down and made him face the situation. Mind, this was years ago and not so much fuss was made about confidentiality, etc.

I would not have sacrificed having children for a man who didn’t want them. Marriage - maybe. It wasn’t that important to me. Kids - no way.

If you're in your early 30s, you don't have to rush to have children but neither can you afford to drift through the next few years thinking "some day" you might want marriage and children. If you think you might want "some day", you need to make it happen and extracting yourself from a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same life goals as you would be a good first step.

In short, you need to give some thought to what you want from life. If you decide that marriage and children aren't for you, clearly that's fine and you should stay in this relationship if it makes you happy. But there's no "sacrifice" on your part if that's the case. If it will involve you sacrificing your life goals, then no, I wouldn't stay.

He is spelling it out to you loud and clear.

He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t see himself with you. He won’t commit to you.
I would stop wasting time and find someone who will commit to you.

The children issue together with not wanting to marry you is just another reason he doesn’t want to be connected to you.

You have to decide what you want and then go for it.

He is being honest.

Move on and even though many are saying no rush, how quickly after meeting someone would you want to have dc. We had DS coming up to 2 years from starting to date and got married after a year. I was 34 which I thought was a good age. I know life isn’t an exact tick list but if it’s 5 years and it’s still at that stage it’s incredibly unlikely it will happen. I also agree never sacrifice anything for a man.

"I am just thinking about where this relationship is going long term. If I end up deciding I don't want to get married or have children then I guess it'll all be good. Yet I'm worried 10 years from now (if we're still together) I'll be like "wait no, I actually do want children" and there'll be no way return for me."

Am childfree & think it's important for you to not try to "fool" yourself into believing that any decisions to not marry/have children are actually your own life choices.

You are in your 30s & to be still unsure whether you want to be married or have children? This decision is overdue. Do you still want to be deciding this in 5 years time?

Your thread title says it all - Sacrifice. Deep down it sounds like you know this is something you actually likely want, otherwise why label it as a sacrifice you would be making for him ?

I feel like you're trying to couch this as a decision you're making for you so you feel more empowered, but in reality you know you are giving up key things you want out of life for this person.

You just don't sound childfree to me. Not even a fence sitter - Fence sitters will usually have more of a pros & cons list, but it sounds like children are a "dream" but your partner is your "reality" so you're trying to reconcile the two things, which are incompatible.

If you want children you need to leave now. I am 38 btw.

I think the fact he doesn't want to marry you also understandably shows a lack of commitment - so it's not like he is offering a childfree lifestyle but is still romantic & committed.

I feel like he is offering you stale bread & you're pretending it's brioche

If it's a sacrifice then no I wouldn't. If you take some time to think and decide you don't want children or you can be happy either way, great. Then it wouldn't be a sacrifice as pp said.

If you do want them, I'd leave. This is just my opinion but romantic love doesn't last, the satisfaction of having children does. (Not saying that it is all satisfying of course, if you've decided you want to be child free that is a great decision.)

You’re not a good match let’s be honest

You haven’t completely ruled out marriage or children, don’t let this guy dictate your life. You barely even see him, you’re literally going to spend the majority of your time alone long term.

Ugh no. I wouldn't sacrifice marriage and kids for a man.

I was with a boyfriend for nearly a decade. It took him 8 years to decide he wanted to get married and have kids with me. By then I had fallen out of love with him.

So much nicer to be in a loving relationship with someone who is committed to you and wants to make a life with you.

Thank you everyone for the comments. I don't know why some of you were so quick to judge my partner and almost saying I'm being taken for a fool and that he doesn't love me and will never marry me.

Even before this turned romantic at all we talked about what we wanted in life and he expressed wanting to be fully committed to his career. I don't think it has anything to do with me as he decided this long before we met and I knew about it. I don't even know if I want to get married or have children because I am fully focused in my career too at the moment so I haven't quite decided but I haven't ruled out the possibility.

And no, he doesn't have a wife "back home" as we actually live in his hometown which is where the navy base is.

I'm afraid it does stand out that you used the word 'sacrifice' about the possibility of children, even though you're not 100% sure.

I married a man who didn't want children - he didn't state he was definitely against until a month before the wedding, but I still shouldn't have married him. I thought I loved him enough to do without even the chance of children but I didn't. I had no idea how strong the urge to have children would be for me, because it tends to get stronger once you are settled and happy, if you're that way inclined.

A relationship where you have to sacrifice things that are central to your wishes, life view and needs won't work. All relationships involve give and take though. Can be difficult to spot the difference.

There are so many men not into marriage or kids who end up marrying their next partner immediately and suddenly have a couple of kids. What they meant was, they didn't want to marry you. I'm not meaning to be cruel but I've seen it happen several times and have discussed it on mn in the past, and it was really common. So make sure you do what you want.

Women do this all the time... and they always regret it. Often times the guys leave them after some time when it is too late for women to have kids but they go and have kids with someone younger.

You shouldn't need to sacrifice your wants and needs for your "other half". To be right for each other, you need to have compatible life goals and outlooks, to properly be a match for each other.

If you have to cut bits of yourself off to fit in the jigsaw of a life together, then you're not the right piece for that puzzle.

Also, blokes come and go, children are life. Never pick a relationship over your own hopes and dreams of a family. A relationship can fail, he could die, he could stay with you throughout your fertile years and then fuck off with a younger woman when it's too late for you - how would your sacrifice look to you then?

I feel like you feel this is a heroic and noble and romantic way to behave for love, but actually it's treating yourself like you're worth nothing.

Am just befuddled by the OP being in her 30s & still not knowing what she wants out of life?

OP can I ask have you ever felt compelled to visit a childfree subreddit or forum? Have you ever explored why you feel different to other women & society?

I question this because from what you’ve said you just don’t sound like a childfree person.

You have now come back to explain how committed your boyfriend is to his career

& you have now rebutted by saying “well I am also committed to my career for now so don’t know whether I want kids either”

It just to me sounds like you’re faking it by saying “me too! I’m also committed to my career just like him & this could also be what I want!”

Is that for real or are you trying to convince yourself so that you seem to have more in common with your boyfriend?
deciding to be childfree should be about what you will want regardless of your partner.

Your thread title & content really does suggest to me that deep down you know this is a sacrifice you’d be making for him, no matter how much you now want to dress it up otherwise.

As I understand it you were the one who mentioned he wasn’t keen on marriage - so that is why other commenters have picked up on a possible lack of commitment.

Not wanting to have kids & not wanting to be married are 2 separate issues.

I wouldn’t sacrifice anything for a man who wasn’t fully committed to me.
Dump him and move on ASAP.

Don't do it please. You'll deeply regret it. Don't hang around hoping he'll change his mind either. It doesn't work like that sadly.

You need to decide what YOU want and if you are happy never to get married or have children, knowing you can never change your mind. He’s been open from the start, so it’s entirely your call. I find it odd he wouldn’t commit to marriage, just to compromise on one of his wants to make you happy. How does marriage stop him pursuing his career?

“NEVER ever sacrifice what you want in life for a relationship.” This echoes my feelings. If he couldn’t physically have children I’d see it differently. He’s been honest, you need to be honest with him now and see where you go from here.

Can you explain how not marrying allows him to fully commit to his career?

Are there benefits to getting married in the forces like housing or travel? What if he moves base? Is that likely? Would you want to move with him?

I think gutful has it to be honest.
You’re trying to convince yourself that it’s fine that he’s essentially offering you fuck all. Like she says, marriage and children are two separate issues entirely. They don’t go hand in hand...and you know that. He’s not up for giving you either.

Imagine a future, say five years down the line where he meets someone else, ditches you, then promptly sets up home, marriage, kids with her. She is the chosen one after all.

How fucked over would you feel then? Or would it be a case of, well...I didn’t want a husband or a family anyway? I doubt it.

You are joking op! Walk now.

I moved cities at 28 after a split and was ruthless in my search for a great dh and father my my dc. Wouldn’t even date an Australian for example as didn’t want to live there or be married to someone miserable here. Your chap wouldn’t have got a third date.

Dh was alluding to marriage after 3 months dating and proposed about a year after we met.

Speaking from bitter experience, 15 years ago I moved from a country and a career that was just taking off to follow my now husband. At the time it seemed like a good idea; I was in love, I thought anything was possible. We had a child, although he was reluctant. He did not want me to have a second one. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me and we both adore him but I can't ever shake off the fact that my husband has done everything he has ever wanted careerwise while I have had to fit in around him. He has always travelled a lot, about 25% of the year, which means that childcare and home admin falls mostly to me. I have since worked but never to the same satisfying level as when I met him. Lately I have reflected on the choices I made and I realise that his decisions were always based on what was best for him, with my happiness and well-being not a part of his plan. If your partner is showing a failure to compromise now, in the first flush of love, it will only get worse. It will affect every aspect of your life, not just kids. Only agree to this life if you are certain you don't want kids or a partner to truly share life's challenges. I wasn't even sure I wanted them at first, but those hormones kick in at some point.

Do you live together OP? Or does he live on the base and you live in the town?

Unfortunately in your 30s you don't have the luxury of time. You have realistically 10 years to marry and have kids and then its too late. And while 10 years sounds like a long time, if its not going to be with this guy you need to factor in dating, time getting to know each other, engagement, trying to conceive etc. Which quickly adds up.

I think you need to decide now whether having kids is something you might want in the future. If he is saying definitely no, then even if you are just thinking 10% maybe, then you are not compatible.

I would never sacrifice my own needs for a man. What's to stop him leaving you for a younger model when it's too late for you to have children - then you'll have neither.
Important decisions like this are not up to one person in a relationship, it should be a joint decision. Why should all the sacrifices be yours?

My husband ditched me for a younger model after the menopause, it also turned out he was infertile after we got married.
Luckily I already had a son from a previous marriage but if that had been my only chance at motherhood I would have been distraught.